


Salvation Between Bookends

by JinxedAmbitions



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Body Worship, Brief mentions of child abuse, Brief mentions of gore, Brief mentions of suicide, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Guns, I just don't want to spoil the sweet stuff, I swear this story if fluffier and sweeter than the warnings imply, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Overprotective Jake, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Violence, weight loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:48:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 117,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3853015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxedAmbitions/pseuds/JinxedAmbitions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake's been out of the Army for six years, piecing his life back together after nearly dying in an incident he doesn't talk about.  He spends his days working in a quiet library, his nights consulting for a security firm, and any free time spoiling his ten year old niece.</p><p>When Jake's niece starts taking self-defense classes, Jake is skeptical.  When he meets her instructor, he is far from impressed by the stoic “Cougar”—if that's even his real name.  When Jake gets into an altercation with that instructor, he can admit that he may have bitten off a bit more than he can chew.  Cougar is well versed in the art of fighting, but that isn't the only thing he's excellent at.  Getting under Jake's skin seems to be another specialty of his.  Slowly Jake finds that he's not the only one who's a little bit broken, but just because he is doesn't mean he can't live life day by day, and those days are better with Cougar at his side.</p><p>Now Complete</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this story is why I haven't posted anything in the last month. It started as an idea for a short fic, then suddenly it was 20k and now it's almost 70k. So, I'm going to try to stick to posting on Wednesdays, and yes I realize today is not Wednesday, but I didn't want to wait till next Wednesday to start. When I finish writing the story which should be soon, I might post twice a week if I have the time.
> 
> I hope you like this because I'm really fond of this story.

“Erin, why is there a flyer for kiddie self-defense classes in Beth's backpack?” Jake asked as he followed Beth in from the car. He'd done his sister a favor and picked his niece up from school since it was right down the block from the library he worked in.

“Because a bunch of her friends are taking it, and she wants to join,” Erin said, running her fingers through her short blonde hair. Jake could hear the implied sigh because she knew what was coming next, and Jake didn't disappoint her.

“But, I could totally teach her self-defense. I guarantee it would be _way_ better than anything this hack has to say,” he informed her, waving the flyer around dramatically.

“Jake, it's not about self-defense. She just wants to hang out with her friends and fit in because everyone is doing it. Not to mention, I hear the instructor is really cute, so all the bored moms probably signed their girls up to be able to ogle him,” Erin told him in her most reasonable voice as she typed away at her laptop. “I wish I had time to do some ogling,” she said wistfully.

“He? What kind of sicko runs a class for little girls. I ought to start a rival class just for the protection of our young women,” Jensen protested.

“Jake you work two jobs as it is. When are you going to have time to chase 7-10 year olds around? Not to mention, moms and dads are welcome and encouraged to stay during his classes. Please don't make this a thing, Jake. Beth is allowed to do things for fun without any intellectual benefit, okay?” Erin asked, giving him the full power of her piercing green eyes.

“What's this guy's name? I'll make sure he checks out...”

“No, you won't. I forbid it. You harassed her piano teacher until the poor old woman refused to come to that house anymore. You ran a CIA level background check on her second grade teacher and threatened to inform the IRS about his misfiled taxes when he gave Beth a B on a science project. I love you, Jake, but you are insane when it comes to her, and it's _not_ okay. So, let her take her damn self-defense class, and if you fuck with this guy, I will castrate you myself,” Erin threatened, closing her laptop and staring him down. Erin was a force to be reckoned with, and Jensen had learned that from a young age. Her soft features and glossy blond hair were a cunning disguise for the shark underneath.

Jake narrowed his eyes, but sighed. “Fine, but can I—”

“Absolutely not.”

\---

Jake stepped out of the car, glaring up at the sign for the self-defense school. The Losers Self-Defense Academy looked innocuous situated between a deli and an ice cream shop at the strip mall. Jake didn't trust it.

Jake had taught himself multiple types of self-defense growing up because he'd been a target of bullies. Two years in the military had added to that knowledge. Just because Jake worked at the local library during the day and consulted for a security firm in the evenings didn't mean he'd lost it. He could easily show Beth and her friends what they needed to know.

Sure, Beth loved the class and wouldn't shut up about how awesome “Cougar” was. Cougar! Who went by the name Cougar if they weren't a pretentious douche? Jensen was going to take him down a notch. Erin would be furious, but he had a niece to protect. Not to mention, Erin had had her share of mama grizzly moments when Jake was younger, and she was looking out for him.

He pushed into the studio, stepping right into the waiting area where nearly a dozen women were sitting in full hair and makeup. It was eleven on a Saturday morning. Jake frowned when they all glanced in his direction before going right back to watching the lesson over the small median.

Jake followed their line of sight to the class going on. His eyes immediately trained on his niece who was smiling brightly at the front of the room, standing next to a man probably a few years older than Jake.

So, this was the revered Cougar. Definitely a douche. The man was wearing a cowboy hat and jeans while he taught self-defense. Who did athletics in ripped jeans and a Che Guevara t-shirt? Jake suddenly knew the guy's plan. He was after the mothers. He looked like something out of a romance novel with his tanned skin and his long hair and that goatee that brought to mind all sorts of dirty things. Jake told his mind to shut up. He certainly wasn't going to fall for this act. He wouldn't be blinded by the mysterious and sexy Latino vibe the man had going. Absolutely not. Jake was above that.

Then the man showed off by demonstrating a maneuver that sent him into a back handspring then a tuck and roll which had all of the mothers' mouths watering as his shirt crept up a little. Jake was not above it. He was so not above it. He was drooling with the others which only made him more determined to take “Cougar” down a peg...or seven.

Jake almost dove over the median between studio and waiting area when Cougar approached Beth to show her how to do a much more watered down version of what he'd just performed. It was just the tuck and roll portion, but Jake didn't trust him.

Beth seemed completely at ease though as Mr. Long-hair-and-radiant-tan placed his hand at the small of her back.

“He never uses Lizzy to demonstrate,” one of the mothers complained.

“He never uses Anna either, Pam. I've been waiting six weeks to be able to tell him how much Anna loves when he uses her in the demonstration, but he never does,” another mom complained.

Jake wished he wouldn't use Beth. Hell, he was about to march right up and tell him how...oh, she did that really well.

“Yeah, Beth, you show 'em how it's done! That's my niece,” he said loudly when she completed the roll.

Everyone turned to look at Jake, including his niece and the instructor. All of the mothers were glaring at him with varying degrees of disgust on their faces, and the kids didn't seem much more impressed by his outburst. Beth was smiling at him like she always did, and Cougar was looking at him with an unreadable expression, but Jake just assumed that he was annoyed with Jake for interrupting since that seemed to be most people's default when it came to him. Well, screw him. Jake would be proud of his niece if he wanted to.

Beth waved at him happily before Cougar gently brought her back to focus. She performed the roll again before going back with the group, so everyone could try it on the mats. Cougar walked around to each girl, showing her the proper way to tuck so as not to hurt her neck. Jake admitted he was very thorough, but Jake still didn't think he was anything more than an opportunist.

The mothers ignored Jensen while they watched the end of the session. After everyone had gotten the roll down, they went through all of the maneuvers that they'd learned that day. Then at the very end, they took turns trying their new moves out on Cougar. Girls punched at him, and he deflected, giving gentle pointers on proper technique. Others tried to launch themselves at him, and he'd catch them easily before placing them down on the mat. Beth was last, and she stepped up to him slowly.

“Go for the knees,” Jake called to her, and Cougar's eyes were on him again. Jake smirked when Beth immediately followed his advice while Cougar was distracted and kicked Cougar in the back of the knees as he'd taught them for take downs. Cougar's knees buckled forward immediately, and Beth jumped at him to put him in a headlock like she often did with Jake. “There it is. That's my girl!” Jake called.

He was getting glared at by the mothers again, but Beth looked so proud of herself as she accidentally knocked Cougar's hat off. Cougar wrapped his arms around her waist, and Jake expected him to shove her off, but Cougar just lifted her into his arms as he slowly rose to his feet. He tapped out on her elbow when he was standing with her resting on his hip. It was actually impressive because Beth was no small ten year old, but she also didn't seem to mind at all that she was being held.

“Beth just taught us a very good lesson,” he said in a very soft tone. Jake could just pick it up over the tittering of the other girls. It had an accent to it, so Jake guessed that Cougar was actually Spanish speaking, and the look wasn't just for the ladies. “Distraction is your friend. You must keep your focus even if your opponent is distracted. This can give you an advantage over someone much larger than you as you just saw,” he explained before putting Beth down and congratulating her on a job well done. Then he praised everyone for a good lesson, and dismissed them.

The girls ran to their mothers laughing and talking loudly while their mothers very carefully fought their way toward Cougar who was taking a drink of water. He ran a hand through his now messy hair as he was bombarded by concerned parents.

“Are you okay, Mr. Alvarez?”

“She didn't hit you too hard did she?”

“It's just so rude that some people can't watch something without having to disrupt it for everyone else. You could have been injured,” another mother said.

Jake just stood their watching them fawn over Cougar while their children now waited for them.

“Hey, Uncle Jake. We going to the library?” she asked, knowing he worked till five on Saturdays.

“Yeah munchkin. Hope you don't mind,” he told her, ruffling her hair and messing up her neat pigtails.

“ _Uncle Jake_ ,” she whined, pulling away and trying to fix her hair. Jake chuckled and knelt to help her.

“You look pretty whether your hair is perfect or not, sweetpea,” he said as he combed it down with his fingers.

“You're just saying that because you have to,” Beth told him, pouting.

“But he is correct,” came that same soft, accented voice of the instructor.

Beth and Jake looked up to see Cougar standing in front of them, the group of mothers gathering their own children behind him. Beth beamed up at him, looking as happy as she did when Jake told her they were getting ice cream for breakfast. Jake wasn't jealous at all. Not. One. Bit.

“Uncle Jake, this is Mr. Cougar. He's awesome,” Beth told him before turning back to Cougar. “Mr. Cougar, this is my uncle I told you about. He's really cool, and he's the one that taught me how to kick boys between the legs,” she said proudly. Jake cringed. Erin had kicked him in the nuts after she'd gotten a call from Beth's school about an incident involving Beth and a boy who wouldn't stop crying. Jake firmly believed it was justified since the boy had pulled her pigtails. The school didn't agree, nor had her second grade teacher, but Jake had handled that.

“Nice to meet you. Beth loves to talk about you,” Cougar said, holding his hand out for Jake to shake. Jake frowned.

“Don't think I'm not on to you, _Cougar,_ if that's even your real name. This is a great scam you've got going, but you can't fool me,” Jake said as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Come on, Beth. If we go now, we can grab milkshakes on the way to the library,” Jake told his niece, trying to pull her away from Cougar.

Cougar frowned at them as Jake dragged Beth out of the studio. He didn't try to say anything else, and Jake was glad of that. He didn't really want to make a huge scene.

“That was mean, Uncle Jake,” Beth told him. She refused the milkshake he bought her, she didn't talk to him the entire way to the library, and once they got there she disappeared into the stacks.

\---

“She's mad at you,” Erin said, arms crossed over her chest as Jake stood at the door.

“Why's she mad at me?”

“You embarrassed her in front of all of her friends. You were mean to her teacher, who she's been waiting weeks to introduce you to. You messed up the french braided pigtails we spent over an hour trying to get perfect, so she would look cute for class. Should I keep going?” Erin said, still blocking the doorway. She used to do the same thing in front of her bedroom when Jake had been an ass but still wanted to play with her.

“Okay, I was a dick, but I don't like the guy...”

“You don't know the guy. You showed up for the last ten minutes of one class, didn't say a thing to him other than that you were 'on to him,' and you're going to judge him?” she said, making perfect use of finger quotes to add emphasis to Jake's poor behavior.

“He's just doing it to get the chicks.”

“They are little girls, Jake!”

“Not them, their mothers!”

“ _Jake_ ,” she said shaking her head. “I pick her up all the time, and every day one of the single moms proposition him, but he's never so much as flirted back. Yeah, he's great on the eyes, but he's not in it for the chicks. He definitely doesn't need to run a class for kids just to get laid.”

“Well, let's just agree to disagree, Erin,” Jake said, trying to get around her.

“No, Jake. Beth really enjoys this class. She doesn't stop talking about it all week. You aren't going to ruin this for her with your crazy ideas. She was really upset that you don't like Cougar. She couldn't understand it. She adores you, Jake, and you're confusing her because she's too young to understand that people you love don't necessarily have to love each other,” Erin said seriously.

“So, what do you expect me to do?”

“Pick her up from class and apologize to Cougar...”

“Absolutely not!”

“You're not welcome here till you make nice, Jake. You're my brother, and I love you, but sometimes your a Grade A asshole, and I'm not fuckin' around where Beth's concerned.”

Jake paused and looked at his sister for a moment. She was serious. She wasn't going to let him inside until he made things right. He frowned. He felt like he was Beth's age all over again. Jake sighed and nodded. “When's her class over today?” he asked quietly.

“Seven o'clock. Don't fuck this up, Jake. I've had enough of the waterworks this week,” Erin said before stepping back and slamming the door in his face.

Jake just stood there blinking at the wreath hanging an inch in front of his nose. This wasn't good. He'd never been good at apologies, which was part of the reason he'd gotten in trouble so much as a kid. Beth was important though, so he took his keys out of his pocket and headed for the self-defense school.

Jake pulled into the parking lot at 6:27pm. That gave him a half an hour to think of a painless way to say sorry. Jake sat in the car for all of five minutes, thinking up elaborate ways to get Cougar to apologize instead of him, but after that he couldn't just sit there anymore, and he went and grabbed some ice cream before going inside and taking a seat with the other parents. There were fewer onlookers today, but Jake supposed that was because class was basically in the middle of dinner time.

Jake grabbed an empty seat and watched as the girls learned how to block and dodge attacks, heavy stuff for 7-10 year olds, but they all looked excited. Cougar was at the front of the class again with Beth, having her throw punch after punch and blocking each one. Beth had a look of determination on her cherubic face that rivaled Jake's when he started writing code.

Cougar demonstrated a pivot maneuver, and Jake groaned. He would've showed them a dozen different ways to dodge better than that. He held his tongue though because he was there to apologize, so Erin would let him in the house again and cook for him. Also, he still had half a cup of ice cream with sprinkles, and he couldn't waste that.

When he was finishing up the last bite of ice cream, Cougar demonstrated another maneuver that Jake just couldn't keep quiet about. “Are you kidding me? How is that supposed to help you ward off an attack? Sure, maybe if your arthritic, ninety year old neighbor gets turned into a zombie and comes at you, that _might_ work, but really that's an awful defense,” Jake called out, and once again all eyes were on him.

Jake caught Beth out of the corner of his eye looking on in horror as he stood up with an ice cream stain on the front of his orange argyle sweater. Cougar was standing in the middle of the children watching him with his ever guarded expression.

“In my experience, it is important to learn the basics, no matter how impractical in real situations, before learning anything too complicated,” Cougar replied to him, even though he could have ignored his interruption.

Jake knew he should bite his tongue, but it was moving before he gave it permission. “And what experience is that? I bet I could take you down without any trouble,” Jake said, internally cringing at how much of an ass it made him sound like. He hated guys who picked fights just because they had a massive ego. Still, his tongue was not cooperating.

“You are more than welcome to try,” Cougar said quietly.

Cougar didn't sound fazed at all by Jake's challenge. He didn't even look bothered by Jake disrupting class again. Jake just stood there for a moment, staring at him.

A man larger than Jake came out of the office in the back of the room. “Cougar, this guy giving you trouble?” he asked, sounding ready for a fight. The guy looked tough as nails even though he was wearing a rumpled old suit that looked like it had seen much better days.

Cougar didn't say anything. He just shook his head dismissively like Jake wasn't even a concern. That made Jake's blood boil.

“You're on!” Jake found himself saying, knowing that if he backed down now his pride was on the line. He'd look like a complete idiot if he backed down from this challenge. Jake wasn't one to buy into the whole macho attitude and needing to defend his manhood, but he'd definitely worked himself into a corner here. It was a lose/lose. There was no polite way to apologize now, so he was just going way off in the other direction.

“This is a bad idea,” the man said, but Cougar didn't pay attention to him.

The other man frowned even as Cougar waved Jake into the class as he ushered the girls along the back wall. “Mr. Jensen is kind enough to help me with a demonstration,” Cougar told them. “Watch carefully,” he said before turning back to Jake. Jake pulled his sweater over his head to reveal a bright orange t-shirt with two women kissing on it. He cringed, this wasn't helping his case.

Cougar raised an eyebrow at the shirt, but he didn't say anything as he stood on the mat in his torn jeans and t-shirt. He was barefoot, but he still wore the cowboy hat. Jake couldn't wait to knock it off his smug head.

Jake joined him on the mat, still wearing his sneakers as he bent his knees slightly and raised his arms. Cougar just stood loosely. The man at the back rolled his eyes then turned and walked back into his office.

“Shout if I need to call an ambulance,” the guy muttered as he went.

“Maybe you should've listened to your friend,” Jake said as they stood facing each other.

Cougar snorted. “He was not worried for me,” he said, waving for Jake to attack him.

Jake gritted his teeth and attacked. He feinted right and went for a kick to Cougar's left, but Cougar rolled back out of the way. He popped up a few feet back, then waved Jake forward again. Jake lunged, going for speed and strength, but Cougar danced out of his attacks. Jake was actually very good at hand-to-hand combat. He was top of his class in Basic for it, and he'd won enough fights to know he could handle himself. However, Cougar was lightning fast, and not letting Jake anywhere near him.

Jake attacked several more times, and Cougar dodged using a different maneuver each time, most of them perfect examples of what he'd taught his class. “Stop running away and fight,” Jake told him, catching his breath as he stood facing Cougar once again. Cougar didn't rise to the invitation. He dodged Jake three more times. Jake could now appreciate how guys felt when they'd try to fight him in the past because Cougar was using some of Jake's best avoidance techniques.

Jake frowned as he attacked again. This time, Cougar blocked his punch, pushing his arm upward, and delivering the lightest of taps to Jake's ribs to let him know it could have been much worse. They stepped back, and Jake frowned at how Cougar didn't so much as smirk. He looked completely calm even though after five minutes of attacks by Jake, Cougar got the first hit.

Cougar waved him to attack again, and Jake went for it. This time Cougar fought back. His moves were so quick that Jake found himself back pedaling to keep up his blocks. Slowly, Jake got used to Cougar's rhythm and was able to trade attacks with him. Cougar actually smiled as Jake came back into it.

Jake could hear their audience start to cheer Cougar on. Not even Beth's sweet voice could be heard calling for Jake. Still Jake continued to attack Cougar with as much ferocity as he could manage without splitting his own jeans. Cougar didn't seem to be tiring at all even though Jake felt like he might just keel over. Years of working in the library instead of doing PT regularly had clearly made him a little soft.

Jake made a misstep. He tried to feint, but his sneaker slipped on the smooth mat, and he lost all balance. He felt his ankle twist painfully, and his leg buckled. Cougar was there though, and instead of Jake falling on his ass like the fool he was, Cougar held him and rolled with him until he had Jake gently pinned to the mat.

Jake just blinked up at Cougar who was still wearing the damn hat. He could hear everyone cheering for Cougar, and that just made it more embarrassing, but he really couldn't blame anyone but himself. Jake glanced over at Beth, and she looked like she was on the brink of tears. Jake hit his head down against the mat again. Jake was good at brushing his own stupidity off with a smile, but that wasn't going to work here. He'd disappointed Beth, and he hated doing that.

“Are you okay?” Cougar asked, still grasping his shoulder and side. His touch was so gentle Jake hadn't even registered it until Cougar spoke.

“I'm fine. I'm...I'm just gonna go,” he said, wishing the world would swallow him up because he'd really done it this time. Erin was never going to let him into her house again, and Beth wasn't going to speak to him ever again, and he only had himself to blame.

Jake rolled away from Cougar and pushed himself up onto his good leg, pushing away Cougar's hands when he tried to help. Jake tried to hide the limp as he walked out of the class and through the waiting area with everyone's eyes on him, but it hurt a lot more than he expected, and he knew it showed.

Jake felt like he was a kid, limping home after he got beat up yet again, knowing his dad was going to tell him what a wimp he was when he saw him. Jake sat in his car, half expecting Beth to get a ride home with someone else.

By the time everyone was leaving, ten minutes later, Jake's ankle was throbbing, and he was gripping the steering wheel white knuckled. Beth didn't come out with everyone else. Instead, Cougar walked her to the door, holding her in his arms and talking to her very solemnly. He didn't carry her to the car, thankfully, but he spoke to her for nearly a minute before putting her down and watching her till she got to Jake's car safely.

Beth got into the backseat, but she didn't say anything to Jake. Jake just sighed and drove her home. He didn't even get out of the car when he pulled into the driveway. He just sadly waved to Beth as she sniffled and scurried into the house.

Jake barely made it up the stairs into his apartment over the coffee shop in town. It was a beautiful place he'd been renting from Sam, the owner of the shop, since he moved out of Erin's. It was large and open, and he even had a spare room for Beth when she visited...if she ever visited again.

His ankle was swollen to twice it's normal size, and it didn't feel so great either when Jake tried to ease his shoe off. Jake iced it on and off for hours as he hopped around his kitchen, heating up some Chef Boyardee. He sat in the dark eating his sub par pasta with his leg elevated. He felt like a complete ass, and he knew it was only going to be worse when the swelling didn't go down, and he'd have to call Erin to bring him to the doctor.

It was no one's fault but his own. Cougar had barely touched him. He'd patted him on the sides and ribs a few times or tapped him in the shoulder, but he'd pulled every punch. Jake was just a clumsy ass who didn't take his shoes off like a complete idiot.

Jake nodded off on the sofa, and only woke because his phone started ringing loudly beside him. He cringed because it was Erin's ringtone.

“I know. I fucked up. Can I just have tonight to wallow before you tear me a new one?” Jake said instead of a greeting.

“Jesus Jake, are you okay? Carlos called and said you could barely walk when you left. Why didn't you come inside? I would've taken you to the hospital,” Erin said, sounding anxious.

“You said I wasn't welcome until I apologized. Who's Carlos?”

“Jake, you could have gotten yourself really hurt. You're lucky he didn't fuck you up!”

“Nope, did that all on my own,” Jake told her miserably.

“Jakey, are you alright?”

“Egos a bit bruised, and my ankle might be broken, but I'll be fine,” Jake said, trying to adjust his position on the couch and gritting his teeth as he jostled his ankle.

“Christ, I'm coming over. Just stay put, and keep ice on it,” she said before hanging up on him. Jake sighed and let his head flop against the back of the sofa.

Erin arrived about ten minutes later, and she let herself in with the key he'd given her for emergencies.

“Where's the munchkin?” Jake asked, staring up at the ceiling.

“Ruth from next door is watching her. Your ankle looks awful,” she said, kneeling in front of him. It was discolored from all of the bruising, and the swelling still hadn't gone down.

“Doesn't feel great either, go figure.”

“Don't give me lip, Jake. I trying really hard not to be pissed off at you right now because I know under all of that stupidity you showed today that your heart's in the right place, but you are making it really hard right now,” she told him as she carefully lifted his leg so she could rest it over her lap.

“Way to make me not sound like a burden.”

“You aren't a burden, Jake. You just act before you use that massive brain of yours sometimes. Now let me splint this, so we can go to Urgent Care,” she said, gently bandaging the ankle, so he couldn't move it, not that he wanted to.

“Sorry I'm a fuck up, Erin,” Jake said, leaning to the side, so he could rest his head on her shoulder. She turned her head just enough to kiss his blond spikes.

“You're not a fuck up. You're just really passionate, and sometimes it gets you into trouble. Beth will forgive you. She thinks the world of you,” she assured him.

“Everyone in town's gonna know what an ass I was.”

“And by next week, someone else will be getting divorced or cheated on, and everyone will forget you got your ass kicked by Carlos.”

“Why do you keep calling him Carlos? And wait, why did he call you? Is he after you? Is that why you defended him and Beth—”

“You're doing it again!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“I call him Carlos because that's his name, Jake. Cougar is a nickname he got in the military, I think. And he called because he was worried about both you and Beth, and you forgot your ugly sweater at the studio,” she explained, tying off the bandage and lowering his leg to the floor.

“My sweater isn't ugly. It's argyle, and it matches my socks,” Jake informed her primly.

“Okay, let's just get you to a doctor. Maybe they have something for your head too.”

“I resent that implication.”

“I resent spending my night off at the doctor with you, so we're even.”

Jake grumbled, but he let her help him down to her car.

\---

Jake had a boot and crutches. His shame was visible for all to see as he hobbled up to work the following morning. His ankle wasn't broken, but it was sprained, grade 2. In other words, Jake would be on crutches for at least a week until he could put weight on it again. The doctor said he needed to stay off it and elevate it, but Jake didn't have time for that. He also said he needed therapy, which Jake insisted he could do himself.

Jake wanted to be able to say that he'd learned his lesson, but he knew himself better than that. Erin knew him better than that too, because she gave him a lecture this morning before she drove him to work. Beth still wasn't speaking to him.

Jake made it through half of work before his ankle ached so much, he needed to take the prescriptions they'd given him. So, he called Erin and asked her to pick him up, so he wouldn't get embarrassingly loopy in front of his coworkers and patrons. Erin gave in more easily than expected and brought him home and put him to bed before giving him the painkillers.

Jake missed two more half shifts that week when the ankle pain was too much from being on his feet too long. His boss was very understanding, but she was also seventy years old and the sweetest woman in the world. She even had the grace not to mention that she'd heard the gossip about how he got the injury. Jake was grateful for the women in his life, even if they could be overbearing at times.

\---

“Uncle Jake?” Beth's timid voice asked through the phone. Jake hadn't spoken to her in a week, and it felt like a lifetime.

“Hey sweetpea, it's great to hear from you,” he told her, trying not to get too excited. She could just be calling to tell him that she hated him.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I'm okay. Nothing serious, I promise,” he said.

“Mr. Cougar asked how you were today, and I told him I didn't know because I wasn't talking to you, and he told me I shouldn't be mad at you because you were just looking out for me because you love me. He said he didn't want me upset with you because of him, and that I should call you and ask how you were because you are probably sad that I'm mad at you. Are you sad, Uncle Jake?” She said it all in one breath, the way only children could, and Jake. He definitely possessed that skill as well.

“I'm a little bummed that you're mad at me, but I get it. I screwed up,” Jake said, biting his lip as he waited for her to speak again.

“I'm sorry I made you sad. We're having a thing at class on Saturday, and Mr. Cougar said I should invite you, so you could see what I've been learning,” she said.

“Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea,” Jake replied, cringing at the thought of ever seeing Cougar again after the ass he made of himself.

“Uncle Jake?”

“Yeah, munchkin?”

“I really like Mr. Cougar. He's nice, and he's a really good teacher. I wish you didn't hate him.”

“I don't hate him, Beth. I'm just not great with new people sometimes,” he told her, feeling thoroughly ashamed of his own behavior.

“But he's not new now, so maybe you can be friends.”

“I don't think that's going to happen, Beth. I'm sorry.” Jake hated disappointing her, but he just couldn't see him and Cougar ever getting along.

“Okay. Mommy wants to talk to you. Love you,” she said before handing over the phone before he could return the endearment. Jake felt robbed for not being able to tell her how much he loved her.

“Come on Saturday. I don't care how embarrassing it is. I'll be there. She needs to see you trying. She'll get over it. Just be patient,” Erin said before hanging up on him. Jake rolled onto his side and let himself mope until he had to get to work on his computer.

 


	2. Chapter 2

On Saturday, Jake pulled into the lot late because he'd been looking for his favorite sweater only to remember belatedly that he'd left it at the studio when he'd fled. Instead, Jake was wearing his “IT chic” as he called it, a light blue short sleeved button up and khakis. He felt like a complete idiot as he walked to the door, still wearing the damn boot.

The program was already underway when Jake walked in. Instead of crowding in the waiting area, seats had been set up around the studio allowing parents to sit and watch. Cougar wasn't the only instructor today either. He stood with two other men and a woman at the front of the class.

“So, as I was saying...” the man who'd stepped out of the office the day Jake fucked up was telling the audience, “Cougar's really proud of this group of students, so he wanted to put a little something together for all of you, so you could see how much progress they're making. We're also going to run our own demonstration for an adult class we'll be starting next month.”

Jake just stood there looking at the three massive men and petite woman who may have been scarier than the men. Cougar stood between the man Jake had seen before and the woman. She had dark skin, and though her build was slight, she looked like she knew a hundred different ways to castrate a man using just her pinkie. The other man was slightly smaller than Cougar. He had dark skin, a shaved head, and an easygoing smile.

Jake tried to stay out of sight, but Erin saw him and waved dramatically for him to come sit next to her. Of course, several eyes shifted to him at her flailing, including all of the instructors. The man and woman flanking Cougar frowned at him, Cougar gave him a small smile, and the fourth guy just waved him in.

Jake tried to walk normally, but there was no way to walk easily in the boot, so he settled for moving as quickly as he could without falling flat on his face. “I hate you,” he whispered as he took a seat next to Erin. At least, she'd chosen seats with a direct path to the door. This many people made Jake antsy.

“You deserve it,” she whispered back, a smile plastered on her face. “Also, you're late.”

“Couldn't find my favorite sweater.”

“You mean the one you left here like an idiot?”

“That would be the one,” he said bitterly. Erin laughed at him. He was used to that. She'd been doing it since he was in diapers.

“Just watch the nice presentation. I bought you flowers to give to Beth. And if you start to open your mouth, I also have Beth's dirty socks to stick in it,” she told him, patting him on the arm.

Jake squawked at the threat. “I bought two dozen roses for her. Why would you think I'd forget flowers. I remember how you cried for almost an entire day when Dad didn't get you flowers for your thing.”

“I was the lead in the school musical and the only member of the cast who didn't get flowers from her family.”

“ _I_ got you flowers.”

“You went outside and picked the weeds from the side of the building.”

“How was I supposed to know to buy you flowers? I'd never done anything that mom and dad even went to.”

“I know. I love you, Jake. Thank you for getting her flowers.”

“That's more like it,” Jake said, glancing back at the instructors at the front. They looked like a motley group. None of them seemed liked they would be friends, and they certainly didn't look like the sorts to work with children, maybe with criminals but not kids.

They were having the girls line up on the mat, so they could get started. Parents were taking pictures, so Jake got out his phone and snap a few of Beth talking to Cougar. Cougar was really good with her. He listened when she talked to him, and he didn't hurry her along because they had a schedule to keep. He just let her go as he got her into position, and he looked interested in what she was telling him.

He looked good today. He was wearing jeans without holes, and his shirt was black with a red target on it. His ever present cowboy hat was neatly placed on his head, far enough back that he could see the whole room, and that's about when Jake realized his eyes were on Jake. Jake smiled at him, but it was more of a cringe. Cougar just nodded slightly then patted Beth on the shoulder and stepped back.

The kids ran through a bunch of exercises with minimal prompting from Cougar. Then each girl got to demonstrate her favorite maneuver. Their execution varied in skill, but the girls looked happy to show off. Beth was near the end, and when it was her turn, she grabbed Cougar's hand and pulled him onto the mat. Cougar actually took off his hat as he stood facing her, and he tossed it over to the smaller man.

Cougar swung at Beth, and he certainly made it look real. Beth tucked and rolled to the side, and as Cougar turned to follow her, she kicked out her legs and hit him in the back of the knees. He went down to his hands and knees, and Beth picked herself up and darted over to the guy holding his hat and took it for herself. Cougar laughed as she held her arms up while parents clapped. Cougar's coworkers looked amused as Cougar got back to his feet.

When the girls were all finished. The four instructors introduced themselves again, though it was the first time Jake was hearing it. Clay was the man Jake had seen before, and Pooch was the guy closer to Cougar's size. The woman's name was Aisha, though to Jake it looked like she was reluctant to give it.

They demonstrated some throws and maneuvers that weren't practical for kids. It started with the basics, blocking and dodging. Then Aisha demonstrated how to throw a person using their body weight and momentum against them. Jake watched Cougar get rolled from a front attack then tossed by the thin woman when he attacked from behind. Cougar landed gracefully each time. Cougar's grace alone was incredibly impressive, and Jake was willing to admit it was pretty sexy. Also extremely impressive was Aisha's strength, and Jensen found that equally sexy.

Jake sighed and leaned back in his seat. “Feeling like an ass for thinking he didn't have a clue?” Erin asked. He could sense her smirk profoundly without even looking.

“It's moments like this that I no longer feel bad that you went through sixteen hours of labor to have Beth,” he told her out of the side of his mouth.

“You better take note of what they're doing because I'm going to kick your ass when we get out of here,” she retorted.

“That would be rude. I'm already injured.”

“That just makes you easier to catch.”

Jake pouted, but he continued to watch as Cougar stood in the middle of the mat and both Aisha and Pooch attacked him. Jake cringed at how Cougar successfully held them off when Jake had been so confident that one of him could've taken Cougar.

At the end of the demonstration, a woman who introduced herself as Pooch's wife had set out refreshments for everyone. The parents mingled and spoke with each of the instructors as they helped themselves to coffee and donuts. Aisha slipped away to the back office before anyone could reel her into conversation.

Jake stayed seated while Erin and Beth went to grab goodies. He watched them fill several plates and balance them on top of each other, so Erin could grab coffee for herself and Jake.

“How is your ankle?” Cougar asked from beside Jake, and Jake nearly fell out of his seat, having not realized Cougar had hung back. He'd been too focused on donuts and Aisha's peculiar disappearance to focus on Cougar. He should've known better.

“It's fine,” Jake said, feeling cornered. He tried not to look like a deer in headlights, but he doubted it was working. Thankfully, Cougar was not blocking his exit physically, though it certainly felt like Jake couldn't escape. Jake glanced at the door then back at Cougar who gave him a reassuring look. Clearly, he wasn't buying what Jake was selling, but at least he was being polite about it.

“You still wear a boot,” Cougar noted, not attempting to get any closer to Jake. He still wasn't wearing his hat, and his hair had come loose from its tie. It looked very soft as he fell over his shoulders in dark waves. He didn't look threatening even though Jake had just seen him fight off two people.

“Um, yeah. I'm on it all day at work, so it gets sore if I don't wear the boot. Doctor said to give it a week with the boot,” Jake admitted, feeling completely awkward. He left out the part where his doctor also told him to keep it elevated which he'd ignored. Sitting in his apartment alone never ended well. It was better for everyone if he just went to work as usual, injury be damned.

“You need to exercise it to strengthen it again,” Cougar told him.

“Yeah, I was supposed to get therapy for a week or two, but I don't have the time with work.”

“I could do it with you here,” Cougar offered.

Jake opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off, but he stopped. He was supposed to make nice. If he wanted Beth to forgive him, he needed to be nice. Cougar was being nice. Jake could be nice.

“I need to say I'm sorry for being an asshole,” Jake told him, looking down at his own hands.

Cougar made a noise that sounded like it would accompany a shrug, so he looked up to see Cougar looking completely relaxed. “Not the first concerned parent,” was all he said.

“First concerned uncle?”

“Possibly.”

Cougar smiled at him, and Jake didn't actually understand why he was being so nice.

“You fight very well. You were military,” he said, and it definitely wasn't a question.

“Yeah, I was. Didn't work out,” Jake told him, trying to keep the bitterness out of his words.

“It did not work out for us either. Just took longer,” Cougar told him, finally kneeling in front of him.

“What's that mean? Hey, what are you doing?” Jake asked as Cougar gently pulled Jake's booted foot up onto his thigh and started unstrapping the boot.

Cougar looked up at him and wiggled his eyebrows, and Jake wasn't sure if he was being fucked with or flirted with. However, he didn't have the brainpower to pull his foot away from Cougar's nimble fingers.

Cougar removed the boot with ease, then he grasped Jake's ankle and the ball of his foot and rotated it. It was very controlled, and Jake felt minimal pain as he moved it around.

“You need to strengthen it. It's healing, just waiting for you to catch up,” Cougar told him. “If you stay after, I will help you stretch it.”

“I have work at noon,” Jake told him.

“It will not take long. The sooner you start working it out, the sooner you will be rid of the boot,” Cougar said before putting the boot back on his foot and standing. His movements were slow and precise, all telegraphed for Jake's benefit. Erin and Beth were just approaching as Cougar got to his feet.

“Has my oaf of a brother apologized yet?” Erin asked him, balancing two cups of coffee and a plate of donuts in her hands. Years of waitressing clearly hadn't abandoned her.

“He has, but there was no need,” Cougar told her with a small nod, then he took the plate and handed it to Jake, so Erin could sit next to him.

“Oh there was definitely a need,” Erin said, giving Jake a stern look.

“Why are you looking at me like that? I apologized,” Jake defended himself as Beth watched him carefully.

“Because I know you, and I've seen you twist things up so much that you had people apologize to you for things you did wrong,” Erin told him, taking the donuts from him and holding them out of reach.

“That was _one_ time.”

“That I witnessed. No doubt you'd done it before,” Erin said, picking up a chocolate doughnut and taking a bite.

Jake groaned, but he caught Cougar's eye, and the other man looked thoroughly amused. He looked more approachable without the hat, which Beth still wore proudly even though it was huge on her.

“Hey, munchkin. You were awesome out there. Definitely gave Cougar a run for his money,” Jake said, hoping Beth wasn't going to publicly disown him.

Beth looked at him then up at Cougar, and Jake felt hot jealously run through him as Cougar nodded toward him. Beth used to look to him for that kind of reassurance.

Jake cleared his throat.  He needed to get out of there before he did or said something stupid, because he was feeling rejected. “Um, I should get going. I need to get to the library. You were great, Bethy,” he said, getting to his feet awkwardly. Everyone looked at him in confusion as he tried to get up without spilling anything.

“You don't have to be there for another hour,” Erin said, as Cougar just frowned at him. Beth looked a little let down, but Jake felt like he couldn't breathe. He was being replaced as the coolest person in his niece's life, and he couldn't even blame her. Cougar was really fucking cool. He put Jake to shame. Jake couldn't even hope to compete with that much swarth and sex appeal, not that that was what Beth saw in him.

Jake was trying to retreat when Beth wrapped her thin arms around his waist and hugged him tight. She was the only person who could do this without Jake flinching or worse. “Don't go, Uncle Jake,” she said, pressing her face to his belly like she did when she was upset. Jake instinctively wrapped an arm around her and cradled the back of her head.

“It's okay, sweetpea. I'm not goin' anywhere,” he promised as she held him as tight as she could. Jake knelt down in front of her, and she looked far too sad for a girl wearing a victory cowboy hat. “What's wrong?”

“I miss you,” she said, running her fingers through his messy hair. It was something she'd done as a baby when she was upset, and it followed her even now.

“I miss you too,” he told her, touching the brim of the hat she wore. “Sorry that I embarrassed you. I do that sometimes. Just ask your mom.”

Erin made a very unladylike snort at that, and gave him a look when he glanced up at her.

Cougar had excused himself from their little family moment, and Jake didn't really know how to feel. So, he promised to take Beth out for ice cream that night after dinner, and still excused himself from the event. Beth seemed pleased about their ice cream plans, so Jake didn't feel like too much of an ass.

Cougar was surrounded by several mothers and fathers as Jake tried to leave, but he caught Jake's eye as he went. Cougar tried to excuse himself, but Jake just retreated faster. He really didn't know what to make of Cougar other than he was really good looking, great with kids, and an incredible fighter. Jake's mind was all muddled, mostly because Cougar didn't seem to hold a grudge for how rude Jake had been.

Jake even more confused when, two hours later, he received a text from an unknown number.

—I'll be at the studio until late if you want me to help you with your ankle. Cougar—

—How did you get this number?—

Not a minute later, his phone pinged again.

—Your sister—

Jake frowned and texted his sister instead of replying.

—I really don't appreciate having my number given to people who've beaten me up.—

—You twisted your own ankle, now let him help fix it because I'm busy with work and can't come pick you up anymore when it hurts.—

—I can fix it myself.—

—I'm sure you can, and I'm also sure you won't. Let him help.—

—What's in it for you?—

—Other than not having to hear you whine? Not a whole lot, but trust me I've been hearing you whine for twenty-seven years. I'm getting sick of it.—

—You are the worst sister.—

—That's okay, because you made my daughter cry more in the last week than she did after the first time she saw the Lion King.—

Jake grumbled but flipped back to his messages from Cougar, because clearly Erin wasn't going to pity him.

—Promised Beth that I'd take her for ice cream.—

—This won't take long.—

—So you keep saying.—

Jake got no reply to that, so he went back to shelving books. When five o'clock rolled around, Jake shuffled out to his car. His ankle was sore from standing for five and a half hours. He really didn't want to make it worse by seeing Cougar, but he knew his sister wouldn't let it rest until he did, so he drove back to the studio.

The door was locked, so Jake almost turned and left, but he could see someone moving inside. He cupped his hands to the glass and looked through them. Cougar was inside sparring with someone, but Jake couldn't tell who it was. Whoever they were, they were fast and their hits never missed their mark.

Jake watched for several minutes before he realized they were too focused to notice him, and he didn't really want to interrupt. He was halfway back to his car when the door opened, and Cougar leaned out to wave him back. He was covered in sweat and only wearing a pair of loose drawstring pants and a tank top.

“Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt,” Jake told him.

“No problem. Didn't think you'd come,” Cougar waved it off, letting Jake into the dimly lit studio. There was no one else in there.

“Where's the person you were sparring with?” Jake asked.

“She doesn't like people,” Cougar said cryptically.

“Aisha?”

“Sí.”

“I kinda figured that when she ran for the hills after the demonstration today. She your girlfriend?”

Cougar snorted at that, shaking his head as he walked over to the mats and sat down, patting the space in front of him for Jake. Jake followed, watching the way Cougar's body moved. Cougar was more substantial than Jake had originally realized. His body was solid, but he still had the grace of a cat as he folded himself down.

Jake sat facing him with his leg between them. Cougar didn't bother asking as he rolled Jake's pants up enough to remove the boot. His leg ached more as soon as it was free of the brace. It felt good to be rid of it, but he was more aware of how much it hurt now that it wasn't being stabilized.

“Swollen. I'll get ice,” Cougar said as he placed Jake's foot down on the mat carefully. Cougar returned with two ice packs that he wrapped around Jake's ankle and foot. He knelt with his knees on either side of Jake's foot to hold the ice in place, then he massaged Jake's calf muscles while the ice brought the swelling down. It felt incredible, and Jake didn't even have an opportunity to stick his foot in his mouth because he was at a loss for words.

After ten minutes, Cougar removed the ice, and he lay the packs behind him on the mat. Then he gently gripped Jake's ankle and foot and began to manipulate them. Jake braced his arms behind his back so he could watch Cougar work. It felt good to move his foot even if it was tender. Cougar really did seem to know what he was doing.

“You know your way around injuries,” Jake commented.

“Field medic,” Cougar replied.

“Neat. So, why self-defense for kids? Couldn't you have done med school, or nursing school, or well anything else?” Jake found himself asking, not wishing to fall into uncomfortable silence, and hoping he didn't offend Cougar with the blunt question.

“Too many people prey on children. Maybe I cannot stop all of those people, but I can help some children defend themselves or have confidence in themselves,” Cougar told him, prompting Jake to push with his foot against his hands. Jake did as he was shown.

“You get picked on?”

“No, I just saw things that made me hate the world,” Cougar said, focusing on Jake's foot instead of Jake's face. There was clearly a story there, but Jake didn't know if he had a right to ask for it.

“That why the Army didn't work out?”

“Part of it.”

Jake nodded and laid back as Cougar started to really work his foot. It hurt a lot, and Jake really didn't want to look like he couldn't handle it. Jake almost flinched when Cougar softly touched his thigh. “I asked if you were okay?” he repeated.

“Sorry, yeah. Haven't had a real injury since the Army. Guess I'm going soft,” Jake told him, trying to push himself up again, but Cougar motioned for him to stay as he was.

“You were injured. That is why you left,” Cougar said.

“Part of it.”

“The other part being it was your own men?”

“How do you know that?” Jake asked sharply. He sat up and glared at Cougar. He tried to jerk his leg away, but Cougar held it steady, probably so he didn't hurt himself That knowledge was so classified that Jake could get in a lot of trouble if he went around telling people. It was one of the things that gave him nightmares, no one believing him. Being seen as a liar or a traitor when he'd been nothing but a good soldier, too good a soldier.

“Was just a feeling. I was stabbed by one of my own once. I cut out his tongue with his own knife and watched him drown in his own blood,” Cougar told him. Jake studied him, searching for a lie in his words, but Cougar was steady. “It was how I ended up with Clay's unit.”

“That's absolutely disgusting.” Jake had seen worse during his service, but it had been six years since he returned, and it was strange to hear Cougar speak so bluntly about it.

“So are men who betray those who put trust in them. Just because we are given guns or power does not make us God,” Cougar told him, and Jake realized that he was trying to tell Jake he shouldn't feel ashamed for what they did to him, that it was on them.

“I'd rather not talk about the Army,” Jake said because he really didn't know how to tell him thank you without breaking down and telling him the whole thing. “Um, I know we got off to a bad start, but I think what you're doing here is really cool. I'm just so used to being the coolest person in Beth's life, I might sorta get a little, tiny bit jealous and freak out when she has new interests. Sorry again for being a dick.”

Cougar smiled at him. “I enjoy a good fight. You were very good. When you are healed, we should fight again,” Cougar told him, offering his hand to help Jake up.

“That's it?”

“I told you it wouldn't take long. You should walk on it without the boot if you can,” Cougar said, motioning around them. Jake took a couple tentative steps, and Cougar stayed close, but putting weight on it wasn't as bad as he expected.

“Can I buy you apology dinner, and maybe a thank you beer for the ankle?” Jake found himself asking as he pulled on his boot again because he hadn't brought his other shoe.

Cougar looked at him for a long moment, and Jake quickly backpedaled. “I mean that in a totally straight, I fucked up, and I'm trying not to be an asshole anymore sort of way. Not as in a prelude to buttsex, if that's what it sounded like, because it's totally not how I meant it,” Jake told him.

Cougar opened his mouth to speak, but then he shut it for a moment. He opened it again and said, “You may buy dinner, but beer is on me.”

“I can handle that,” Jake said, heaving a sigh of relief and wishing he didn't go with the tech look, not that it was a date.

“I still have your shirt,” Cougar said as if he'd read Jake's thoughts. “I washed it because it had ice cream on it.”

“Well that certainly makes the whole thing even more embarrassing.” Jake wanted to bang his head against the wall. He couldn't take himself anywhere.

Cougar chuckled before holding up a finger and slipping into the office before returning with the sweater. Jake actually pulled his button up over his head, so he was only in a t-shirt then pulled on his sweater. He really loved this sweater. It was soft and comfy, and definitely sexier than the baggy blue button up. Also, it was argyle, and no one could tell him that argyle wasn't classic, even orange argyle.

“So, I need to take Beth out for ice cream, and I'm man enough to admit that I can't have you there because she sort of adores you, and it might make me a giant jealous monster, so....”

“Nine o'clock?” Cougar offered.

“Nine works. How about the Tavern on Main?”

Cougar nodded as he led Jake to the door. Cougar held it open for him as he waited for Jake to go. Jake paused in the doorway though, his body almost pressed up against Cougar's in the small space.

“I want to apologize again. I really was an ass, and I'm sorry,” he told Cougar, looking him straight in the eye. Cougar had really nice eyes. They were brown and warm when he wasn't being scary.

“You are forgiven,” Cougar said. His eyes lingered on Jake, or maybe it was the other way around, but for a moment Jake was certain that Cougar was going to lean in and kiss him. It gave Jake butterflies, and he had to look away because that was preposterous, and he didn't want to go and fuck this up again. “I'll see you later.”

“Sure will, unless you stand me up, which I'd totally get. Wouldn't be the first time, but I mean, I said I was buying and buttsex is off the table, so there really isn't any reason not to show up. Unless you wanted to do both of those things...”

“I will be there,” Cougar said with a shake of his head. He was already mastering Erin's exasperated head shakes. Jake was screwed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the positive feedback! I'm so happy people are enjoying this story so far.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week is a predominantly fluffy chapter featuring drunk Jensen and a totally non-date, absolutely nothing date-like here.

Jake walked into the bar at ten after nine. Beth had wanted to hang out as long as she could, and then she demanded a bedtime story once he took her home. So, he was running late. He'd had to stop at his apartment to ditch the boot, and then he ended up showering and changing because he was an adult, and he could do that if he wanted to. It had absolutely nothing to do with Cougar being the first really good looking guy to go on a non-date with him in over a year.

So, Jake was late, but he was boot free, and he smelled good. He counted those as definite pluses. He walked into The Tavern, careful to avoid everyone crowding near the bar since it was Saturday night. Jake looked around for Cougar until the hostess approached him.

“Um, I'm loo—”

“Cougar let us know you'd be coming. Right this way,” she told him with a smile. Jake cocked his head in confusion, but he followed her past the bar to a more secluded section.

“How'd you know I was the right guy?” he asked, but she just threw him a smile over her shoulder.

Cougar was sitting in a quiet corner of the restaurant, sipping a beer. He had an empty shot glass in front of him as well.

“Found him, Cougar,” the hostess told him as Jake pulled out his seat. She gave Cougar a flirty smile as she squeezed his shoulder before heading back to the front of the restaurant.

“How'd she know I was the right guy?”

Cougar smirked at him. “Blond hair, goatee, tinted glasses,” Cougar ticked off Jake's defining features, before taking another sip of his beer.

“Touché,” Jake retorted, picking up the menu as another cheerful girl came over. She couldn't have been much more than eighteen with a bright smile and a high ponytail that was reminiscent of a cheerleader's.

“Hey there, Cougar. Weren't sure we'd see you tonight. What can I get you and your friend?” the waitress asked, pulling out a pad and pen.

Cougar nodded at Jake, and she turned her bright smile on him. “Um, I'll have whatever beer you have on special tonight, and the barbecue bacon cheeseburger, medium rare, and if you could put extra barbecue sauce in a smiley face pattern over the french fries, that would be awesome,” Jake ordered.

“You got it,” she laughed, writing it all down. “Usual for you?” she asked Cougar, and he gave her a small nod and a smile. “Sounds good. I'll be right back with your beer,” she told them, then walked away, patting Cougar's shoulder as she passed him.

“The staff is awfully friendly here,” Jake said when a third girl walked by to say hello to Cougar.

Cougar smiled. “I gave them a free self-defense class, and we stop by at closing to make sure everyone gets to their cars safely,” Cougar said with a shrug.

“Oh, that's really cool of you. I feel like even more of an ass now,” Jake told him, rubbing the back of his neck. So, Cougar seemed like a genuinely great guy. Jake may have jumped to conclusions.

Cougar just shrugged again. It didn't take Jake long to start talking about anything that came to mind.

“So, what brought you guys up to New Hampshire?” he asked, playing with the condensation on his newly arrived beer.

“As good a place as any,” Cougar answered.

“None of you are from around here?”

“No.”

“That's cool. I'm born and raised New Hamshirite...New Hampshirian...New Hampster. I like that one,” Jake said, working the lopsided smile.

Cougar shook his head, but he cracked smile at Jake's sense of humor.

Jake found that Cougar didn't talk much. He definitely listened, and he always responded to inquiries, but as often as not, his responses were non-verbal. He'd shrug or nod or wave his hand expressively. It was impressive how much he could say without saying anything. Jake was the opposite, but Cougar was still good company.

The waitresses took good care of them, and they didn't even get annoyed when Jake would use his best lines on them. Cougar would roll his eyes each time Jake batted his eyelashes and tried to sweet talk the staff.

Jake was on his third beer, and finishing off the last of his fries when Cougar actually asked him a question. At first, Jake didn't hear him because Cougar was very quiet, and Jake wasn't actually expecting it.

“What made you choose the library?” Cougar asked.

Jake shrunk back a little. He should've seen that coming. Really, it was a common question since everyone knew two things about Jake. He was former military, and he loved computers. The library always seemed like an odd choice for someone with his qualifications.

“It's a calm job. I was a little twitchy when I came home. The library's quiet, so I can hear anyone approach, and I'm the clumsiest one there, so I'm really the only one making loud noises,” Jake admitted. If anyone was going to understand it, it was going to be someone who'd served.

Cougar nodded, his face free of judgment. He raised his beer and clicked it against Jake's, then they both took long pulls. They sat in silence for a while, but it wasn't tense or uncomfortable as Jake usually found silence. Instead, he just rolled with it, enjoying the way Cougar sat watching everyone from beneath his ever-present cowboy hat.

“Is there a story behind the hat?” Jake found himself asking eventually.

“Helps me cheat at cards,” Cougar told him seriously.

“Really? You play a lot of cards? I could see you in Vegas with a bunch of high rollers, or in an old time-y saloon with a six shooter,” Jake rambled. Cougar smirked, but Jake couldn't see his eyes because they were behind the brim of the hat. “Oh, I get it. No one can read you,” Jake said.

Cougar's smirk was replaced by a genuine smile. Jake smiled too, happy he could figure out Cougar's cryptic way of communicating, even if he took a detour down Jake's imagination lane.

Jake started talking again, and Cougar listened. Jake, of course, started to brag about how great Beth was, and Cougar just smiled as Jake went on and on. He continued to order Jake beers as he finished them, taking his time with his own.

“I guess all of the parents want to tell you how awesome their kids are. I mean it's natural to think your kid is the best. They've done studies on it. It's just that not everyone can be right, and I have it on good authority that Beth is actually the best kid ever, so I'm probably correct. I mean, I try to keep it quiet. Don't want the other parents to feel like they lost the best kid ever competition, you know? But I know it, and Erin knows it,” Jake babbled as he finished his fifth or sixth beer. He may have lost count though, so it could've been his seventh.

“You are a good uncle,” was all that Cougar said on the subject.

“Yeah, except when I do stupid things like challenge a guy who can take on two of me to a duel,” Jake scoffed.

Cougar shrugged again. “You are an excellent fighter. You're just out of practice. I, unfortunately, am not,” Cougar told him, running his finger over the rim of his glass, and Jake couldn't tear his eyes away from the movement.

“You saying you want to fight me again?” Jake asked with a cocky smile.

“When your leg is healed, I would not be opposed,” Cougar told him, lifting his finger to his lips and licking the condensation off the tip of it. Jake felt incredibly hot all of a sudden, and he couldn't tell if Cougar was turning up the heat on purpose or if he was just naturally full of that much sex appeal.

“Oh yeah? Well, I won't go easy on you this time. I just didn't want to embarrass you in front of the girls, but I'll show you how fierce I am. Just you and me. You'll see,” Jake told him, staring at his empty glass and wondering where all of the beer had gone.

“I look forward to seeing how _fierce_ you are,” Cougar said, letting his accent wrap around fierce, making it sound more sexual to Jake's admittedly drunken ears. Jake took his glasses off to clean them and to distract himself from how attractive Cougar looked with his soft hair and mischievous smile—that Jake was really starting to want to kiss.

“Don't taunt me, Cougar. I'm really good. I'm telling you,” Jake insisted, but he wasn't even sure he remembered what he was insisting anymore.

“Do you live close by?” Cougar asked, and Jake's mind took a steep dive into the gutter.

“Woah, I don't put out on a first date...I mean non-date. I said no buttsex, remember?” Jake told him, though he definitely didn't know why. He certainly wasn't opposed to this being a date or even the buttsex. Full buttsex ahead as far as Jake was concerned.

Cougar laughed and shook his head. “I want to know if I can walk you home, or if I need to call you a cab,” Cougar told him.

“ _Oh_. I live above the coffee shop on Main Street,” Jake said, suddenly realizing how much the room was spinning as he put his glasses back on. The spins definitely distracted from Cougar's looks.

“Can you walk?” Cougar asked.

“Sure can. I couldn't for a while after I got out...oops, I shouldn't have said that,” Jake told him before covering his mouth.

“It's okay. I will not ask you to explain. Come,” Cougar said, sliding out of his chair and reaching for Jake.

“But I still need to pay for dinner,” Jake insisted, groping for his wallet, but Cougar placed his hand over Jake's.

“Covered it.”

“But I said _I'd_ pay.”

“You can pay next time,” Cougar promised softly, and Jake let himself be coaxed out of his seat and across the bar to the Main Street exit. Several of the wait staff wished them a good night with hugs and kisses, and Jake relished it as Cougar guided him out.

“But the pretty ladies were giving out kisses,” Jake insisted as they stepped outside.

“Sí. They will give them out next time too,” Cougar promised him, guiding him down the sidewalk.

“You promise? Pretty ladies usually shoot me down rather than offer me kisses,” Jake told him.

Cougar laughed softly at him. Jake was about to ask Cougar for a kiss to make up for such a devastating loss, but he tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, and tumbled into Cougar's side. Cougar caught him with strong arms and held him close as his ankle began to ache.

They both stumbled down the sidewalk. Cougar put on a good front, but he was drunk too. “You're walking me home, but where do you live?” Jake asked as they knocked shoulders.

“Pooch will pick me up,” Cougar told him, adjusting his hat.

“Do you live with Pooch?”

“No.”

“Then where do you live?” Jake asked again, unsure why he wouldn't let it drop.

“Back office,” Cougar said, turning his face away from Jake.

“Back office? Like at the studio?” he asked incredulously.

Cougar nodded.

“Why don't you have your own place? Is there even a bed back there?” Jake asked, frowning as he tried to get a look at Cougar's face, but it was obscured by the hat.

“There is a couch, and I don't want a place,” Cougar told him, sounding annoyed at Jake suddenly.

Jake was quiet for a minute. Even in his inebriated state, he realized he was on thin ice. “ _I_ have a couch...No wait, I meant to say, I have a bed...wait...an extra bed. I have an extra bed. Even an extra bedroom with the bed conveniently in it. If you don't want to make Pooch—weird nickname by the way—pick you up at...” Jake lifted his arm and tried to make sense out of his watch, but everything was too spin-y, so he just ended up shrugging.

“No thank you,” Cougar told him firmly.

“Oh, um, okay,” Jake said, suddenly feeling awkward and rejected.

Cougar sighed. “I do not sleep well. I don't like to disturb others,” Cougar told him, coming to a stop in front of the coffee shop.

Jake fumbled for his keys and ended up letting Cougar unlock the door after he dropped the keys on the sidewalk.

“Nightmares?” Jake asked, though he had a vague feeling he shouldn't.

“Memories,” Cougar admitted, wrapping his arm around Jake's waist again to steady him. Jake liked being close to Cougar. He was steady and strong, and he smelled really good as far as Jake's drunk senses could discern.

“Yeah, they're the worst kind of nightmares. I get it. Offer's still on the table. I, um, don't really sleep much myself usually. They said the insomnia would pass, but it's still really hard to turn everything off,” Jake told him, leading the way up the stairs though Cougar kept a hand on the small of his back. “I'm the only tenant, so you don't even have to worry about bothering the neighbors.”

“Thank you.”

Cougar followed him to Jake's spacious apartment.

“Okay, so this never comes as a surprise to anyone, but my apartment is a mess. Please don't be offended if like my old boxers attack you. They just want love,” Jake told him as he pushed open the door of his apartment and ushered Cougar in.

Cougar laughed softly, but he didn't comment on Jake's lifestyle as Jake kicked laundry out of the way in his entry hall. Cougar made himself at home on the couch, and Jake joined him with a couple bottles of water and remotes to the PS3. Cougar took the water but turned down the opportunity to 'get his ass kicked by the master.'

Instead, Cougar listened to Jake talk some more, not that Jake minded. He enjoyed talking to Cougar. For how little he spoke, Cougar was a great listener and communicator.

\---

The next morning, Jake woke on the couch still wearing last night's clothes. His head was pounding, and his mouth was so cottony that he felt like he'd swallowed a poodle. His ankle also felt like he'd re-injured it with all of the walking and stumbling he'd done the night before. He groaned as he limped to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and washed his face.

When he came back out he realized that Cougar was missing. He wasn't on the couch or in the spare room. Jake could smell coffee from downstairs though, so he followed his nose to the kitchen. On the kitchen table, there was a bakery bag and a cup of coffee. Both were still warm, so Jake hadn't missed Cougar by much.

Jake peered inside the bag to find a chocolate croissant. He smiled at the choice as he tasted the coffee. Dark roast with sugar, no cream. Cougar must have asked Sam—the shop owner and Jake's landlord—what his usual was, smart man. Jake noticed the note under his cup as he went to put it down.

 

—Come to the studio when you have a moment today. I'll work on your ankle. It was a little swollen when I left. Ice it while you have your coffee. I borrowed your robot book. I'll give it back when you come to the studio. Cougar—

 

Jake frowned down at his leg. His pant leg was rolled up to his calf, and his ankle was indeed swollen. Jake walked over to the freezer and opened it to find a small bag of ice cubes that Cougar must have gotten from the coffee shop. The man must have ice radar or something to have known Jake didn't have ice cubes. He may have been using his ice cube tray as a USB drive sorter.

Jake grabbed the bag of ice. He wrapped it in a dishtowel and carried it to the couch along with the goodies that Cougar left him. He propped up his leg and iced it, as Cougar instructed, while he dug into the chocolate croissant and coffee.

\---

Jake walked into the dark studio around noon. He'd decided a shower was in order because he'd smelled like a stale beer. Then he'd gotten distracted on the internet. Sloths could just be so cute. So, by the time he strapped the boot on and headed for the studio, it was later than he'd been aiming for.

Jake wasn't even sure why he was going to meet Cougar. Cougar had left sometime before he'd woken up. Sure, he'd bought Jake dinner and technically breakfast too, but he could've at least said goodbye. It wasn't like anything happened. There was no need to treat Jake like an awkward one night stand.

About halfway to the studio, Jake recalled his awkward remark about buttsex the night before, and he almost turned his car around. He only hoped that had been his only slip up because he definitely didn't want to ruin everything all over again by coming on to Cougar. Maybe then Cougar would really beat him up. Jake took a deep breath and got a hold of himself. So, Cougar was a great looking guy that was equally nice and inclined to indulge Jake's rambles. Jake could avoid making a fool of himself in front of him...for Beth's sake.

Cougar was midair as Jake stepped through the door. Aisha had flipped him over her back, and Cougar went down hard. Jake cringed at the way Cougar landed on his back, but Cougar was rolling and up on his feet in an instant.

Jake bit his tongue, not wanting to interrupt, but Aisha went to take out Cougar's legs, and Jake accidentally yelled a warning. Aisha whipped around, looking ready to kill. It was only made worse when Cougar kneed her in the ribs and took her to the mat.

“What's he doing here?” Aisha growled, and Cougar's only response was a shrug.

Cougar got to his feet and offered Aisha a hand which she took. She threw a glare over her shoulder at Jake as she went to her bag for some water. Cougar just waved Jake over to the mat.

Jake cringed at the amount of sweat on the mat as Cougar patted it for him to sit. Still, Jake ended up sitting in a spot that looked fairly dry. Cougar had his hands on Jake's boot as soon as he was seated.

“Can't keep your hands off me, huh?” Jake asked with an outrageous eyebrow wiggle. Cougar snorted, but he made no comment. Aisha was suddenly scrutinizing them carefully.

“She doesn't like me,” Jake said, pointing at Aisha.

“You did start a fight in her studio,” Cougar said, sounding unconcerned as though Aisha disliked everyone, which didn't really seem that far fetched.

Jake yelped when Cougar's cold hands touched the pad of his foot. Cougar just rolled his eyes and held Jake's foot, so he couldn't pull it away. He muttered something under his breath as he started massaging Jake's foot that sounded suspiciously like “baby,” but Jake was immediately distracted by how good what he was doing felt.

Cougar's touch was hypnotizing. He kneaded the arch and pads of Jake's foot then he massaged each toe, seemingly not put off by feet at all. Jake wasn't a huge fan of feet, but he was definitely a fan of what Cougar was doing to his.

By the time Cougar started to roll Jake's ankle then flex and point his foot, Jake was completely relaxed. It barely hurt as he added pressure each time he went through the movements. Jake didn't even realize that he was rambling to Cougar at first.

“I just can't believe you bailed on me instead of waking me up. Clearly, you left shortly before I woke up. The clues all point to you bailing ten to twelve minutes before I woke based on the average coffee temperature of Sam's dark roast, and the temperature it was when I took my first sip. It's a complicated formula, taking into account variables like room temperature and waiting surface,” Jake explained with wild hand gestures, which earned him a poorly hidden smile.

“Then you went and stole my book. Asimov, man. You don't steal another man's Asimov. You ask politely, and if you are deemed worthy, I'll allow you supervised visits,” Jake told him, waving his arms at the ceiling, having laid back during the massage.

Cougar continued to massage and stretch Jake's foot and ankle, letting Jake talk to his heart's content.

“Did you just sit up all night reading my science fiction stash?” Jake asked, looking up at Cougar who wasn't even trying to hide his smile anymore.

“I needed to sober up,” Cougar said softly.

“Who reads to sober up? That would make me need to puke,” Jake reasoned, looking over at Cougar.

Cougar shrugged. “It is relaxing while being engaging. Keeps nightmares away,” he explained.

“Oh, yeah, you said you don't like sleeping near people. I remembered that. Totally didn't forget that because I was drunk, I swear,” Jake told him, trying to sit up again, but Cougar pushed him back down gently.

Cougar got up and grabbed an ice pack and cracked it so it would get cold. He shook it before applying it to Jake's ankle.

“Big fan of ice, aren't you?”

“Wouldn't need so much ice if you had taken care of it properly,” Cougar told him gruffly.

“I resent that remark. I took fine care of it. I wore that hideous boot which doesn't go with anything, and makes your toes cold but the back of your leg all sweaty. Who enjoys sweaty ankles? It's gross. I refuse to be held responsible for anything when I had to suffer the indignity of one sweaty ankle. Wasn't even a symmetrical sweat,” Jake protested.

“You wouldn't need the boot still if you had properly taken care of it,” Cougar told him, patiently holding the ice to his sore ankle.

“But—”

“You are lazy.”

“Am not!”

“I was in your apartment. You have a toilet paper holder, but you leave the roll of toilet paper on the vanity because you do not want to bother changing the roll,” Cougar told him. It was true. The toilet paper holder that Erin had bought him when he got the apartment was a work of the Devil. It was like a piece of modern art that Jake just couldn't figure out, and he stopped using it almost immediately instead of fighting with it.

“Life is too short to waste it changing toilet paper rolls. Also, do I need to tell you the statistics for people dying in their bathrooms? Every extra minute I spend in there is another opportunity for me to slip and die,” Jake told him, fidgeting.

“When you die in your bathroom, and your landlord finds you, they will say, 'what a lazy man. Maybe if he'd bothered to change the toilet paper rolls, he wouldn't have tripped on the empties he'd tossed on the floor and died,'” Cougar said with a small smile playing on his lips.

“You're so full of shit. Damn you,” Jake laughed shoving at Cougar's shoulder.

“You two are disgusting. What the hell has you so chatty, Cougar?” Aisha asked, coming out of the office and picking up her bag.

Cougar just shrugged at her, all words seeming to dry up suddenly.

Jake looked at Cougar carefully as Cougar watched Aisha pack up and head for the door. There was a tension in Cougar that hadn't been there a moment earlier. He didn't take his attention off of Aisha even though he didn't outright stare at her.

“That wasn't awkward or anything,” Jake said when Aisha walked out of the studio. Cougar gave him an unimpressed look and stood, motioning for Jake to do the same.

Cougar had him walk around the studio, then he had him do stretches with actual weight on his leg instead of lying down. It didn't feel nearly as bad as Jake was expecting, so he let Cougar make his silent demands, demonstrating each move he wanted Jake to perform.

“So, are you enjoying _I, Robot?_ ” Jake asked as he stood on his injured leg with his full weight.

“I am finished. The stories were good,” Cougar replied, standing close to make sure that Jake's ankle didn't buckle on him.

“Good? That's it?”

“Thought provoking.”

“Damn right they are,” Jake started, and it earned him that tiny smile of Cougar's as Jake started a long rant about the brilliance of Asimov's stories.

“Sit down again,” Cougar said after about twenty minutes of stealth yoga—meaning Jake had no idea that that was exactly what he was performing because he was too busy talking about robots. Jake flopped back onto the mat and nudged his foot into Cougar's lap, looking for more rubs. “This is not your injured foot,” Cougar said.

“This one wants love too,” Jake told him, looking as innocent as a jacked, six foot tall, former soldier could muster.

Cougar gave him an unimpressed look, but he slowly started to massage that foot anyway.

“Mm, yes, this is the life. Do all of your clients get complimentary foot rubs?” Jake asked. Instead of answering, Cougar dug his thumb into the arch of Jake's foot. Jake bucked off the mat howling, but Cougar wouldn't let him pull his foot away. After a moment, he soothed the pain with gentle rubs.

“What was that for?” Jake groused.

“Just reminding you how we got here in the first place.”

“You mean me totally kicking your ass?”

Cougar snorted, letting go of Jake's foot and motioning for the other. However, Jake sat up and looked at him. “Don't snort at me. I totally had you. You just never clean your mats, so I slipped. If I hadn't, I would've showed you who's boss,” Jake told him.

“Then prove it,” Cougar said simply.

“I'm wounded. See,” Jake said, wiggling his naked toes.

“I once walked ten klicks with four broken ribs and a torn hamstring...through the jungle,” Cougar told him with a smug smile.

Jake narrowed his eyes for just a moment before diving forward into Cougar. He put all of his weight on top of Cougar's body, and tried to pin his arms down, but Cougar wouldn't let himself be pinned. He bucked and rolled Jake onto his back and straddled his jean clad hips.

Jake was fast though, and he grabbed Cougar's wrists so he couldn't pin Jake. They grappled with each other, each taking the offensive when the opening arose. Sweat made it hard for both of them to keep a grip on the other, and their fighting became sloppier by the minute. Jake's hangover made itself known as his head began to ache with the effort he exerted.

Still, Jake continued to taunt and talk dirty throughout the entire exchange. He called into question everything from the incredible strength of Cougar's hip thrusts to the way he could contort his body like a pretzel. He also brought up robots frequently, seemingly still stuck on the topic of Asimov's books.

“Jesus Christ, really?” Clay asked, stepping into the studio.

Cougar froze over Jake. Jake was on his back, and Cougar's hand was splayed over his ribs to hold him in place while his other hand held Jake's wrists tight. He straddled Jake's hips, and he had his legs tucked under Jake to stabilize himself, so Jake couldn't buck him. It definitely looked bad. Jake just stared up at a blurry Clay because Cougar had pulled his glasses off and tossed them to safety earlier.

“Aisha told me you two were being weird. She didn't say you were fucking,” Clay complained, stalking across the studio toward the office, and away from them.

“There is no fucking going on. I'm showing him I can take him,” Jake tried to set him straight.

“Sure you are, kid. I've watched six trained soldiers try to take Cougar down before. Cougar doesn't lose a fight unless he wants to, and I've never seen him want to,” Clay told him, then he promptly slammed the office door closed.

“That true?” Jake found himself asking. Cougar didn't look at him and just shrugged in answer. Jake could sense a story there, but he had the good sense not to ask about it...for now.

Jake almost complained when Cougar let go of him and got to his feet. “I have private lessons soon. When you get home—”

“Ice my ankle, got it,” Jake cut him off, feeling Cougar retreating like he had the night before. “I'll just get out of your hair then. Thanks though. My ankle really does feel better after your crazy finger magic.”

“I'm glad,” Cougar said, digging through his own bag for a towel to wipe the sweat away with.

Jake just waved him goodbye and left, not really understanding the push and pull there was to Cougar. He seemed to give a bit then suddenly the shutters closed, and there was no getting to him after that. Jake didn't understand it, but then it really wasn't his business either.

“When your leg's feeling better, you should come spar,” Cougar called after him from the doorway of the studio.

Jake turned to see the hat was back in place, and he looked as mysterious as ever, but his words sounded hopeful.

“I'd like that. I'm gonna need to get my book back from you anyhow,” Jake replied.

Cougar just nodded and disappeared back inside. Jake shook his head and unlocked his car. What a strange man.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's featured reading is [I, Robot ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_Robot) by Isaac Asimov, not to be confused with the Will Smith movie of the same name though the movie used some aspects of Asimov's work. 
> 
> The coming chapters will feature different stories, so I'll link to the wikipedia pages (or actual stories if they're now public domain) for each at the end of the chapter in case you aren't familiar with them or are just curious.


	4. Chapter 4

Jake's ankle healed quickly once he actually started helping it along. He went to the studio at least twice a week because he started offering to take Beth to her class with Cougar. Erin eyed him skeptically, but she let him take her, assuming he missed seeing Beth more often.

Jake watched practice with the moms and sometimes dads, and often he wondered if his gaze was just as hungry as their own. It wasn't just that Jake wanted Cougar in a heated and decidedly sexy way—he did—but from their limited pleasant interactions, Jake genuinely liked spending time with Cougar.

Jake still couldn't help himself when it came to calling out, but Cougar just smirked at him most of the time. Jake realized that he'd mostly done that the first time too, and that he wasn't threatened or annoyed at all by interruptions.

The other parents got annoyed at him though, but Cougar always quietly worked Jake's outbursts into his lessons. Like the time Jake insisted that ducking through the legs was a far better option than dodging. The subsequent demonstration that Cougar waved him over to be a part of resulted in a lot of laughs as Jake valiantly tried to roll between Cougar's legs.

“Sometimes, it would be better to go between, but when you fight you may not judge as well as you normally would, and you do not want to get stuck like Mr. Jensen. Duck and step away may not be the best for every situation, but it will work in _most_ ,” Cougar explained as Jake laid there, stuck between Cougar's legs because Cougar was going to embarrass him for as long as possible.

To add insult to injury, Beth came up and poked Jake then stuck her tongue out at him for getting trapped. Cougar smiled down at him warmly before stepping away and giving him a hand up. Jake brushed himself off and went to head back to his chair, but Cougar grabbed his wrist lightly.

“Help me with demonstrations?” he asked softly when Jake gave him a questioning look.

“You just want to make me look silly,” Jake told him, though he didn't mind, so long as Cougar was smiling and not being malicious.

“You are better for demonstrations. I don't have to worry about hurting you.” Cougar shrugged.

“Because you already have,” Jake teased back, adjusting his glasses which had become skewed during the demonstration.

“Because you aren't seventy pounds and fragile,” Cougar said, rolling his eyes at Jake.

“Are you calling me fat? I'll have you know I work hard for this figure,” Jake argued, forgetting that this was not the time for flirting.

“ _Sí_ , now come stand here,” Cougar told him, unwilling to waste class arguing with Jake just so Jake could hear himself talk.

Jake went to where Cougar asked him to and stood patiently. Cougar had the girls practice their dodging, and he instructed each of them on form before returning to Jake. Without a word, he motioned for Jake to raise his hands. Cougar quickly went through a gentle warm up with him to stretch his muscles, moving Jake's arms over his head and across his body. Jake could feel his shirt ride up, and he quickly tugged it down before anyone got a show. When Jake was loose, Cougar quietly told him they were going to do a takedown since it was difficult to demonstrate with the students because they weren't even half his size.

Jake nodded, he approached Cougar from behind as Cougar had asked him to then just let Cougar guide him through the takedown until he was flat on his back. Somehow, Cougar managed to make kicking Jake's ass graceful and painless.

The girls were all watching with wide eyes when Cougar offered Jake a hand. Cougar waved them over even as he crowded Jake. “Your ankle?” he asked, his breath tickling Jake's neck. Jake suppressed a shiver.

“I'm fine, you can beat me up again,” Jake told him, and that earned him a smile.

Cougar faced away from him and told the girls to watch carefully. He took Jake down again then went through it slowly, explaining every movement on both his and Jake's parts. First, Cougar broke Jake's hold around his waist, then he bent and reached between his legs and grabbed Jake's legs to throw him off balance and take him to the mat. The girls seemed very excited to try it when Cougar finished explaining.

Jensen went back to the waiting area once his job as model was finished. The mom's eyed him as he sat. He could hear several whispering to each other about letting Cougar put them on their backs. Jake smiled because that was definitely something he'd had to bite his tongue about in front of the kids.

Beth was bouncing by the time that class ended, and Jake happily let her climb onto his shoulders. However, Cougar called him back.

“Let me see your ankle,” Cougar ordered as Jake stood in front of him with Beth still on his shoulders, playing with his hair.

“It's fine.”

Cougar just gave him a pointed look.

“Beth, the fun police want you down, so he can frisk my totally fine ankle,” Jake told his niece, lifting her off his shoulders and setting her on the floor again. Beth just giggled at him—the traitor.

Jake sat and pulled off his sneaker, so Cougar could take a look at it. Beth took a seat right on his lap as Cougar took his foot in hand, immediately massaging the pad of it softly.

“I did good today, didn't I, Uncle Jake?” Beth asked, curling against his chest. Jake noted the gentle smile Cougar gave them as he made sure Jake hadn't aggravated his injury—or as Jake was more inclined to believe, to torment Jake with pleasure. He certainly couldn't appreciate the wonderful way Cougar massaged the tension out of his ankle with skillful fingers. No, there was a seventy pound ball of innocence sitting in his lap that required him to enjoy nothing at the moment.

“Did great, sweetpea. You'll be fighting crime in no time. I'll even make you a cape,” Jake told her, running his fingers through her blond hair.

“Can it be purple?”

“Sure can,” Jake assured her, suppressing a shiver as Cougar ran the pad of his thumb over the arch of Jake's foot. The man was not playing fair at all, and Jake couldn't really blame him because he'd be doing the same thing if the situation was reversed.

“Your ankle didn't swell today. I think it's finally healed. No thanks to you,” Cougar told him, carefully putting Jake's sock and sneaker back on. Jake never thought having someone else help him put his shoes on could be sexy, but then Cougar was definitely a breed all his own.

“I totally helped it along. I got you to do funky finger magic to it. Was my plan all along, wasn't it Beth?” Jake asked his niece as he pushed himself to his feet with her still in his arms.

Beth laughed at him, and Jake wondered when she'd become so cynical. “Uncle Jake, you're a liar,” Beth told him. Jake gasped and grabbed his heart.

“Is this what you're teaching young girls? To doubt their good-intentioned and _very_ handsome uncles?” Jake questioned, pointing at Cougar and poking him in the chest playfully.

Cougar raised an eyebrow. “A girl needs to know when she's being lied to. It's the ones that give you a false sense of security that are the most dangerous. Need to sniff them out before they can hurt you,” Cougar told him darkly, though he gave Beth that doting smile he saved for the kids.

“Most of them aren't even ten, Cougar. Even I'm not _that_ paranoid,” Jake said, suddenly wondering if he'd made a mistake about Cougar. Jensen was all for teaching stranger danger, but he didn't want his niece growing up afraid of her own shadow. Jake had been afraid of enough things as a kid. He didn't want that for Beth, and he certainly didn't want other people taking it upon themselves to do it for him.

“It's not paranoia when you've seen it happen before, just being prepared.” Cougar shrugged.

“We're gonna go. See you next time,” Jake told him putting Beth down and telling her to grab her bag, so they could leave. When she was out of earshot, he rounded on Cougar. “You really think it's appropriate to teach little girls that the world is so dangerous and out to get them?”

“Do you think it's appropriate to lie to them, and tell them there is no danger? I'm not telling them there are rapists and abusers everywhere. I'm teaching them how to tell if someone is being genuine or trying to distract them. They won't be having nightmares over it,” Cougar assured him.

“Not like you?” It was a childish thing to say. Jake wasn't sure why he said it, but he was sure it was the wrong thing to say. Cougar shut down on him, stepping back and tipping his hat low.

“Not like me,” he agreed, but then he turned away from Jake and went into the office, closing the door more firmly than necessary. Several parents glanced over, and Jake could feel the heat of their disapproval.

“You made him sad,” Beth said, standing at his side and reaching up to take his hand.

“I made him mad,” Jake corrected, giving her delicate hand a gentle squeeze.

“No, you made him sad. Sometimes he stops class for a bit when he gets sad. Sometimes we sneak attack him and hug him until he cheers up,” she told him.

Jake didn't really know how to respond, so he gave her hand a gentle tug, and she followed him out to the car. Her words weighed heavily on his mind. Jake wondered how many classes Cougar had had to pause because he worried for his pupils. Jake wondered what he'd seen that would give him such nightmares.

\---

Later that night, Jake couldn't focus on his work, so he took a ride to the studio. He saw a dim light on inside and went to see if Cougar would open up for him. Once again he found Cougar sparring in the shadows of the studio. They were both lightning quick as they traded blows. Aisha fought with intelligence, anticipating Cougar's moves but not letting herself be dictated by them.

Jake tapped on the glass door, and both Cougar and Aisha froze. Once again, she went into the office as Cougar approached the door.

Cougar didn't say anything as he opened the door just a few inches. He gave Jake a dark look, and Jake admitted to himself that he probably deserved that.

“I came to apologize. What I said was rude, and I don't know your situation, and it was dumb of me to make a comment on what little of it you trusted me with. I'm a bonehead,” Jake told him, waving his arms trying to get Cougar to understand he was sincere even if his words were rambling.

“Goodnight, Jake,” Cougar told him, trying to pull the door closed, but Jake put his hand in the way. It was a mistake, which he realized as the door shut hard on his fingers. “Fuck! That hurts,” Jake cursed as Cougar immediately threw the door open as he realized what Jake had done.

“ _Idiota_ ,” Cougar said, pulling Jake inside. “You are determined to get yourself hurt,” Cougar said as he pulled Jake to his gym bag, grabbed an ice pack, and shoved it against Jake's chest. Jake was looking at his hand, and it didn't look good. That would put a cramp in typing which was really his livelihood, so that was going to be a problem.

“What can I say, you bring out my self-destructive tendencies,” Jake said as he tried to close his fist and winced instead. “This is not good at all.”

Cougar growled and took Jake's hand, pressing the ice against the swelling flesh. “Ice now, then inspect,” Cougar told him, pushing him down into one of the chairs.

“You and your damn ice. _Shit_ , that hurts. I need my hands. It's really hard to type when one is taped up. Trust me, I know. I've had to hack a security system with my entire hand splinted before. Let's just say that was a close call, and I didn't appreciate almost getting shot in the ass for my trouble,” Jake complained as Cougar held his hand against the ice pack.

“Then stop getting hurt,” Cougar growled, sounding no happier to see Jake than he did when he'd tried—and failed thanks to Jake's quick reflexes and lack of self-preservation—to slam the door in his face.

“Look, I get that you're mad at me. What I said was not really nice at all. I couldn't stop thinking about how I upset you, and I couldn't sleep, so I came down to apologize. I didn't mean to intrude or force you to fix me up again. I just didn't want you to be upset because of something stupid I said, because I say a lot of stupid stuff, and my mouth gets me into trouble a lot. I just don't like when what I say hurts people, you know what I mean?” Jake asked, but Cougar was focused solely on Jake's hand and inspecting his bent fingers.

“I'll need to put this one back in place,” Cougar said, pointing at Jake's pinkie.

“Did you hear anything I just said?” Jake asked with a sigh.

“All of it, but it is of little consequence, so I'm focusing on the matter at hand,” Cougar told him, cupping Jake's inured hand gently.

“I wish I was feeling good enough to be entertained by that unintentional pun you just made,” Jake told him. “Just get it over with.”

Cougar didn't say anything as he held Jake's hand more firmly then carefully grasped his finger, pulling hard and sliding the digit back into place. Jake cursed a blue streak, but he didn't pull away. He'd had worse done to him in the name of medical necessity.

“Look, clearly you want me out of your hair. I can just drive myself to Urgent Care. They know me. It's no big deal,” Jake told him, but Cougar didn't let go of his hand.

He carefully felt each aching finger and ended up relocating his middle one as well. “Stay,” he ordered as he rose to get more supplies.

Jake watched him walk to the office. His shoulders were tense and his back ramrod straight. Jake blew out a long breath. He was screwed. Looked like Cougar could hold a grudge, and while the man didn't seem to mind being interrupted, he was not a fan of having his weaknesses brought up.

Jake almost jumped when Cougar sat beside him and gently took Jake's hand and placed it on his knee. Cougar didn't speak as he went about splinting each of Jake's fingers. Jake, of course, began to ramble to fill the silence.

“It wasn't pretty what made me leave. They wanted to leave me for dead, well I guess they did—leave me for dead, that is. They just didn't count on me not accepting that. It was a warzone. I could barely hear my own thoughts. Two of my own unit...well, yeah they left me there bleeding, thinkin' I'd die like several of the others. They'd grab the body later and ship it home, and they'd get a little medal for bravery. I just refused to die,” he said, not looking in Cougar's direction. He'd only ever given the full story to the brass and the investigators. He took a breath before continuing. At least, this was a good distraction from the pain in his hand.

“When I came back, I didn't step away from a wall for two whole months. I'd perforated my eardrums in the whole mess, so I couldn't hear much. My sister and niece had to approach me head on, or I'd have an episode or whatever they call it.” Jake knew exactly what “it” was called, but he'd heard so many doctors bandy around the term that he refused to use it. “I couldn't sleep without expecting to be killed in my bed. After a year, I needed a job. I mean the Army gave me a pretty sweet severance, considering their men fucked me up pretty badly, but I couldn't sit home in fear. The library was quiet. I could hear anyone approach. If I was having a bad day, I could stay behind the circulation desk or in my office. It was really the only option for me.

“You know, I joined the Army because I had a degree in computer science and mechanical engineering. Got them when most kids were going to high school. I wanted to build robots, or program them. I hoped to get into research through the Army. Drones and all that. Instead, the Army wouldn't hire me to work on a robotics projects—they may or may not be funding—even if I was the most qualified man on Earth to do so...which I sort of am,” Jake rambled running his good hand through his hair then tugging at his goatee.

“Why tell me this?” Cougar asked, wrapping tape around Jake's pinkie before he could bandage the whole hand. He didn't sound put off at all by what Jake had told him. He seemed to quietly accept what Jake said without revulsion or surprise even.

“I don't know. I guess I just wanted to be able to tell someone. I wanted to have a part in changing the world, but instead I collect ten cent fines on overdue romance novels. Sometimes my mouth gets away from me, but maybe I'm just bitter and sometimes that bitterness leaks out,” Jake told him, trying to wiggle his broken fingers, but Cougar held them steady.

Cougar looked up into his eyes for the first time that night, and they seemed to look right into Jake's soul. It was such an odd feeling to be laid bare not by his own admissions, but by someone's gaze. It wasn't the piercing look he'd pinned Jake with before or the exasperated one. This one held empathy, and maybe it was because Jake saw his own pain mirrored there that it felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Now he knew why Cougar wore the hat. Couldn't just let those eyes touch everyone.

“Changing the world isn't always for the best,” Cougar said after a minute of staring.

“That's the best you've got?” Jake asked. He wasn't really expecting a pep talk or sympathy, but that had to have been the most half-assed response Cougar could have given him.

“I see two dozen children burn to death every time I close my eyes because a man wanted to change the world. I watched the men I trusted with my life—would've given my life for—all ruined by this man's desire to play God. I have changed the world. My bullets have killed agitators and rebels, men who stood with tyrants, a man I called friend. It has not made me a better person. Don't fault your gifts because the earth doesn't quake when you walk,” Cougar told him, absently tracing Jake's fingers with his own.

“That sounds like hell,” Jake admitted, catching Cougar's hand with his good one.

“It is the price for my sins,” Cougar said, pulling his hands away and leaning back. “It is the price of my choices.”

“Maybe this is the price for mine. Mediocrity and hiding behind bookshelves,” Jake said self-deprecatingly.

“There are millions in this world who don't know the pleasure of reading. Every book you loan out is a chance to learn, to change a way of thinking. You make the world a better place without any of the damage, while I try to make up for all the damage I've caused,” Cougar told him, finishing his wrapping and leaning back. “Don't resent the gifts you've been given because you've forgotten their value.”

Jake was actually floored by how much Cougar had to say, but also by the quiet way he built Jake up. Most people liked to pat him on the back and tell him to look on the bright side even if they couldn't tell him what the bright side was. Cougar spoke with quiet conviction.

“I really am sorry for what I said,” Jake cringed, knowing he shouldn't have gone back to it. “I never should have...”

“You said nothing that wasn't true. I would take on any nightmare that they wouldn't have to face. Children shouldn't be forced to pay for our wrongs,” Cougar told him. They were still seated so close even though Cougar was finished with Jake's injury. It felt intimate especially with the subjects they were discussing that Jake didn't want to move away and break the moment. Of course, his mouth had other ideas.

“But you were angry with me, or did I just imagine all of that? I really hope I didn't break my hand for nothing. Thank god, it isn't my jerking hand, but work is definitely going to be a problem,” Jake said, making an obscene gesture with his uninjured hand.

“No man likes having his weaknesses thrown in his face. I have pride, but I shouldn't have let it cause you injury. For that I'm sorry.”

“Guess you owe me dinner this time, meaning I get to pay for it since you did last time,” Jake told him. Cougar shook his head, but it was a fond gesture not a denial.

“Not tonight. I will drive you home. You should sleep,” Cougar said, getting to his feet.

“You're worse than my sister with the mothering.”

Cougar didn't even bother answering. He just pulled Jake to stand up and pushed him out the door.

\---

The next morning, Jake woke in his bed to a massive pain in his hand. He lifted it to his face and realized it was splinted and bandaged. That was when the night came back to him. Jake cursed as he rolled onto his back. This was not good at all. He'd broken his hand which he needed, not to mention he'd told Cougar about his attack. Sure, he'd given him a watered down version of the truth, but it was more than he'd told anyone other than his sister and the military.

“Take these,” Cougar told him, holding his fist in front of Jake's face.

Jake almost shot off the bed, certainly not expecting Cougar to be in his room or even his apartment. Cougar was even wearing one of Jake's t-shirts. Jake remembered that Cougar's shirt had been absolutely disgusting with sweat the night before and that he'd offered a spare just so he wouldn't have to smell it anymore. Cougar had grudgingly accepted the offensively bright yellow shirt.

“What are you still doing here?” Jake demanded, looking at himself to make sure he wasn't naked. He was a bachelor living on his own, he slept naked when he damn well pleased, and his niece's self-defense instructor was not the person he wanted to see him like that...yet. Especially, after how vulnerable he'd made himself last night. Jake was grateful when he saw he was wearing pajamas.

“You asked me to stay until you woke. Take this now,” Cougar explained, and he dropped the pill into Jake's hand before turning and leaving the room.

Jake was confused to say the least. He remembered Cougar giving him painkillers the night before, but he'd thought they were only aspirin. Clearly, he'd been wrong.

“What is this?”

“Effective,” Cougar called from the other room.

Jake frowned down at the little pill. His hand really did hurt, and he had a feeling that Cougar was going to unwrap it and check it, so Jake swallowed the pill. He dragged himself out of bed, careful of his hand as he got to his feet. He stumbled out of the room as all of the blood left his head.

Brushing his teeth with one hand was harder than he thought as he went to turn the water off with his splinted hand and just ended up tapping the knob uselessly. He turned the water off with his other hand and sighed. This would take some getting used to while he healed. He really needed to take better care of himself.

Cougar was sitting on his couch, reading another one of his books. His bare feet were resting on the coffee table, and the morning news played silently on Jake's big screen tv. It was a very domestic image.

“I can't remember if you forgave me for being an idiot or not. What were those pills?” Jake asked, pushing his fingers through his hair as he looked at his injured hand.

“I was trained in field medicine. Always skimmed the supplies just in case. You promised you weren't allergic to anything or on any medication,” Cougar told him, turning the page of his book.

“So, the good stuff. Great. I hope I didn't try to hump your leg when you helped me to bed,” Jake told him, remembering the stories his sister had told him about when he'd been drugged up after he'd come back from his tour.

“I've dealt with far worse than demands for cuddles,” Cougar noted, still focused on the book.

“Really, I just wanted cuddles?” Jake asked, taking a seat beside Cougar.

“There were a lot of vague gestures that I chose not to interpret.”  
“You are a kind man,” Jake told him, glancing at the page Cougar was on. “Oh you're about to get to the part where—”

Cougar slapped a hand over Jake's mouth and flipped the page with his thumb. He kept his hand there until he finished the chapter of the novel. Jake just sat watching Cougar read. Cougar smiled when he read, and Jake couldn't help but like that smile. It was private and unguarded, and it made him look years younger.

When the chapter was finished, Cougar put the book down and finally let his hand fall from Jake's mouth.

“You're totally into my books,” Jake said, smiling like a loon.

Cougar rolled his eyes and took Jake's injured hand into his lap. “Which do you like better, _I, Robot_ or the _Foundation Trilogy_?” Jake asked as Cougar slowly unwrapped his hand. Cougar just shrugged, so Jake launched into a long rant about the merits of each work. He only paused for a breath when Cougar finally had his hand unbandaged. “That does _not_ look pretty,” Jake commented.

His hand was completely black and blue, and there were several small cuts where the edge of the door had broken his skin. Jake cringed. He should have seen a real doctor.

“It's not as bad as it looks,” Cougar said softly, seemingly reading Jake's mind. “Other than the dislocations, the damage is mostly cosmetic. Your bones are strong. You won't lose any dexterity,” Cougar told him, carefully feeling the fingers he'd relocated the night before.

“You got all of that from looking at it? What about x-rays?”

“I've seen plenty of broken bones.” It wasn't really an answer, but Jake didn't doubt the statement.

The drugs were starting to work because Jake barely felt any pain as Cougar manipulated his fingers carefully. Jake was also starting to have inappropriate thoughts about how nice Cougar's fingers would feel other places.

Cougar glanced up at him and smirked as though he could hear Jake's thoughts. Jake tried to suppress them, but Cougar's hands just felt so nice. It was hard to believe those hands were trained to kill when they had such great ability to sooth.

Jake was babbling again, but he couldn't really stop himself, telling Cougar about massage therapy and how he should go into it. Then he moved on to the wonder of Cougar's fingers. Jake was going to be embarrassed when he got his brain back under control, but right now he felt safe and more than a little affectionate.

\---

Once again, Jake woke to an empty apartment and a still steaming cup of coffee. This time it was accompanied by a raspberry scone. Jake ate it carefully as he read the note Cougar left him. —Ice it. See you Saturday—

“That man has a weird obsession,” Jake muttered as he let the note fall from his splinted fingers. Still, Jake ended up icing his hand while he watched cartoons.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions [The Foundation Trilogy](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foundation_series#Original_stories) also by Isaac Asmiov.
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this. I promise that Jake will stop getting hurt every time he talks to Cougar.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter this week because I have today off and time to kill. If I get this story finished this week, I'll try to start update twice a week from now on.
> 
> Chapter warning: mentions of vomiting. See the stories tags for any other warnings.

On Saturday, Jake showed up at Erin's house to pick up Beth. Erin greeted him at the door with a tired smile, still in her pajamas. She let him in with a shake of her head. “Two injuries in just over a month, Jake? Are you okay? Have you been seeing your doctor?” she asked as they wandered into the kitchen. “Please tell me this isn't from getting into another fight. Tell me you just typed too hard on your keyboard, and your hand exploded.”

Jake snorted at what she deemed an acceptable way of getting an injury.

“I went to apologize to Cougar again, and he accidentally closed the door on my hand. I think this is solid proof that I should not apologize to people,” Jake told her.

Erin rolled her eyes and handed him a box of Lucky Charms, though Jake noted that she seemed relieved.

“Lucky Charms? It's Saturday. Pancake day,” Jake protested.

“Not when Beth has a stomach bug, it's not. She was up all night worshiping the porcelain god. The last thing she needs is pancakes,” Erin told him, pouring her own bowl of marshmallow-less cereal. Jake made a face. The title adult was never going to stop him from having marshmallows in his morning cereal.

“But she has class this morning,” Jake said.

“Yeah, Jakey, I'm sure Cougar would love to get barfed on. As great a punishment that would be for breaking your hand, I think I'm going to keep her home in bed with a bucket. It's a lot less messy that way,” Erin told him dryly.

“Yeah, I get it. She'll just be upset she missed class.”

“There will be other classes, and if she's really upset, I'm sure Cougar will let her stay after to catch her up. Now, get out of here before you catch what she has, because I refuse to have to nurse you back to health too. You are the _worst_ patient. I have documented proof of that from your nurses, so don't even try to deny it. Now get,” she said, shooing him toward the door again. His cereal was only half finished.

Jake ended up heading to the store and buying Beth a little stuffed frog for when she felt better, then he headed to work. Jake spent most of the day adding new acquisitions to the catalog, and trying to determine which old, unloved books to cull from the shelves. Then at two, he grabbed the book he'd chosen for the day, and held Reading Hour for the small children that came in on Saturdays.

Jake enjoyed story time. He loved kids, and he got to do funny voices for all of the characters. The kids appreciated it. Their parents seemed to like it too. Jake read them _Bunnicula_ for the hour, and all of the children sat listening quietly as he read the story. Parents always asked him if he laced the little beanbag chairs the kids sat in with some sort of drug, because they never saw their own kids as calm as when Jake read to them.

Jake was walking back to the circulation desk when he saw Cougar skulking around, looking at the books on the shelving cart Jake had yet to get to. Jake frowned as he approached.

“Hey, haven't ever seen you here before,” Jake said as he slipped behind his station again.

Cougar looked up from the book he was reading the back of. “Are you angry with me?” Cougar asked. Jake couldn't figure out what provoked the question and whether it had anything to do with why Cougar had suddenly showed up at the library.

“Um, no. Why would I be mad at you? Other than for the hand, which I'm not mad at you for. I really shouldn't have put my hand there,” Jake said, fidgeting behind the counter since Cougar was blocking his next task. Jake supposed he deserved this for constantly interrupting Cougar at work.

“You didn't bring Beth to class today. I'm sorry if I did something to anger you, but I would ask that you don't keep Beth from class because of it,” Cougar told him softly.

Suddenly it clicked. “Beth has a stomach bug. Like barfing every twenty minutes kind of thing. Erin thought you wouldn't appreciate getting vommed on, so Beth is tucked up in bed, and I'm under strict orders not to visit because Erin doesn't want to deal with me if I get sick,” Jake explained, still not really getting why Cougar would think he was mad at him, but Cougar was strange, so Jake accepted it.

Cougar frowned slightly, but he nodded. “Your hand?” he asked.

“It hurts, but it's not too bad. Did you just come to ask if I was mad at you, or did you come to check out our awesome selection of scifi?” Jake asked. Jake was responsible for how extensive their scifi collection was. Agnes didn't mind that he put far more energy into acquiring science fiction than anything else. Secretly, she was a fan as well.

“I don't have a card.”

“Well, I happen to have a whole stash over here in this drawer, and all I need is a name and local address in order to give you one,” Jake told him with a bright smile. “What do you say?”

“No thank you,” Cougar told him, putting the book he held back onto the cart.

“What?” Jake asked in disbelief.

“No thank you,” Cougar repeated. “I should get back to the studio.”

“No, wait. Why don't you want a card? You clearly love to read. I promise it only takes a minute,” Jake said, trying to reach over the desk but unable to catch Cougar.

Cougar stopped though. He turned and looked at Jake from beneath his hat. If Jake was asked to determine what was going on beneath that hat, Jake would have said that Cougar looked torn. He looked as though he'd been backed into a corner and uncertain which course of action was best.

“I don't have a name or address,” Cougar said after a long moment.

“That doesn't make any sen—oh...oooh. Um, I mean I could just put it under a false name and my address,” Jake offered. He tried to wrap his head around what he just learned. Cougar was a ghost. That meant that everyone at the studio was probably equally “not there” as he was. Suddenly, Jake really wanted to know what they'd seen or done that Cougar wouldn't even get himself a library card in a sleepy New Hampshire town. Jake knew better than anyone that no one came here who didn't have family living here. However, it never occurred to him that Cougar could be a very bad man.

Jake took a moment to process the amount of trust that Cougar was putting in him while Cougar seemed to be trying to make a decision. Jake wasn't sure why Cougar had admitted this to him, but he knew that he'd rather die than betray that trust.

“I wouldn't wish to get you in trouble,” Cougar told him.

“No trouble, come here. What do you want your name to be? Inigo Montoya?” Jake offered up, trying to lighten the mood with a cheeky grin. Cougar didn't seem to bite.

“Whatever you wish.”

“Dude, you should not give me such power,” Jake told him before typing in a very genetic Rafael Sanchez into the database as well as his address. Jake put down one of his own dummy email addresses and made up the other information, then scanned a card for him. He held it out over the table. “This bad boy is for your wallet, and this little guy can go on your keychain, so everyone knows you enjoy reading. Ladies love a well read man,” Jake told him.

Cougar raised his eyebrow at the set of cards Jake held out for him. They were bright orange and pink in a splatter pattern.

“Aren't they awesome? Picked the color scheme out myself. No one loses something that's this eye catching,” Jake said, smiling.

“Not unless it's voluntary,” Cougar told him, taking the offered cards as though they might explode. Jensen did not appreciate the theatrics.

“What's going to be your first book? Might I suggest the _Princess Bride_ since that reference seemed to go right over your head. You could get the movie too. Great movie. I own it. When you finish the book, you could come over and watch it,” Jake told him excitedly. Pointedly ignoring Cougar's lack of appreciation for his library cards.

“I have read and seen _The Princess Bride_ ,” Cougar told him, still looking at the card.

“Really?”

Cougar nodded.

“Huh, you just like to screw with me,” Jake noted.

Cougar nodded again.

“You're tricky,” Jake told him as he came around the desk. “Want me to show you around? I mean, the library isn't huge, but I organized it, so it could be confusing,” Jake offered.

Cougar smiled and gave him a nod, so Jake gave him a tour of the library. He ended up leaving Cougar in the fiction section when he had to get back to the desk. He went and shelved the books on the cart and continued on with his day until closing.

Cougar reappeared as Jake was getting ready to shut everything down. He was holding a thick book with his finger in it to mark his place.

Jake gave it a glance and smiled. “ _Frenchman's Creek_. Didn't peg you for a du Maurier fan. That one's my favorite. Everybody talks about _Rebecca_ , but pirates man. Can't go wrong with pirates,” Jake told him as he grabbed a bookmark from the desk and slipped it beside Cougar's thumb and took the book to scan it.

Cougar stood there patiently, not adding anything to Jake's commentary. He accepted the book back with a nod, but he didn't turn to go. Jake really hoped there weren't going to be threats about keeping Cougar's secret. Jake didn't take threats very well, even if they were probably necessary.

“You said you are banned from your sister's house.”

“Sure am, until the tummy plague has ended,” Jake replied, shutting down his computer. Unless Cougar was planning on hiding his body while his sister wouldn't be checking in, this didn't sound like the lead in to a threat.

“Would tonight be a good night for apology dinner?” Cougar asked, keeping his eyes hidden behind his hat.

Jake smiled brightly. “Sure! You want to go from here? You can keep reading while I close up,” Jake offered, excited that Cougar actually wanted to get dinner with him again. Thoughts of Cougar's past were all but forgotten.

Cougar just nodded and found a seat, opening the book again. Jake hurried through closing up, and twenty minutes later, he came back to grab Cougar, so they could go. Agnes was totally giving him the eye as he dragged Cougar out to his car, but Jake didn't care.

They went back to The Tavern, but this time Jake drank his beer slowly. The girls greeted him with enthusiasm equal to what they bestowed upon Cougar. Jake couldn't say that he minded. It was nice to be greeted by name and friendly banter.

“They really like you here,” Jake laughed as Cougar received his third kiss on the cheek. Cougar just smirked at him. Jake was starting to be able to read Cougar's different smiles an smirks. This one definitely meant, you should be jealous, very very jealous.

“So, why _Frenchman's Creek_?” Jake asked once they had their drinks in front of them.

Cougar shrugged. “I like Dona,” Cougar told him.

“Hmm, not Aubery? I would've pegged you for an Aubery fan. Dashing, daring,” Jake said.

Cougar nodded. “I like him as well, but I understand her predicament,” Cougar explained.

“It's definitely not Asimov,” Jake noted.

“No, it is not, but it has its own merits,” Cougar told him.

“But no robots.”

“Pirates.”

“Yes, pirates are cool too, but I like robots,” Jake countered.

“I know.”

“Yeah, I told you about that didn't I?” Jake sighed, but Cougar was smirking at him like he enjoyed it. “So, do you like pirates because you sort of are one?” Jake asked, a little nervous it might scare Cougar away.

Cougar smiled, and it eased the tension in Jake. However, he shook his head. “I like that for all that is wrong about piracy, pirates have always been men and women standing against an unjust rule. We romanticize them because haven't we all wanted to do the same,” Cougar told him, once again playing with the condensation on his cup.

“Didn't really take you for the sort to fall in line when injustice was being done,” Jake admitted, trying not to be hypnotized by Cougar's finger on the glass.

Cougar just shook his head as though he was trying to rid his mind of something.

Jake changed the topic after that, trying to raise their spirits a little, though he was very pleased that Cougar had borrowed a book. It made him feel like he'd accomplished something big by getting Cougar to get a library card. He just didn't know what it was yet.

They ended up back at Jake's place again, and Jake pulled out _The Princess Bride_. “There's mention of pirates in this,” Jake said, waving the case.

Cougar laughed quietly and made himself comfortable on the sofa. Jake took that as a yes and set up the movie before jumping onto the couch as well. They made it through _The Princess Bride_ and _Pirates of the Caribbean_ before Jake started to doze off.

He ended up leaning into Cougar's side as he drifted off, and the last thing he remembered was Cougar wrapping his arm around his shoulders. It was odd. Jake rarely let anyone hold him since he came back from the Army. He'd always been a tactile person, but since the incident, only his niece could touch him without setting him on edge. Erin too, but he had to see her approach first. With Cougar, Jake felt safe, and Jake had a feeling it had a lot to do with Cougar consciously taking things at Jake's pace without needing prompting.

\---

Jake woke with a jolt as strong fingers dug into his upper arm. He jerked back as he opened his eyes. Cougar's blunt nails dug gouges in his bicep as he pulled away from the grasp. “What the...” his words trailed off as he realized that Cougar was having a nightmare.

Jake wasn't sure what to do. It was safer to back away and leave him to it, but Jake didn't want to leave him to whatever torment his mind was putting him through. “Hey, Coug?” he asked, trying to touch Cougar's shoulder. Cougar lashed out, but Jake blocked the wild movement.

“Come on, Cougar, wake up,” Jake said, slapping Cougar across the face then diving back.

Cougar woke with a strangled yell. His eyes were wide and his breathing labored as he stared up at the ceiling for a moment. Slowly, he turned to see Jake on the other side of the couch. It sounded like he cursed in Spanish when he saw the marks on Jake's arm.

“ _No_ ,” Cougar said, sounding pained. “I should go,” he insisted, but Jake dove forward and grabbed his hand.

“No, you're in no condition to go anywhere. I'll make you some coffee. Why don't you read your book while I get it started,” Jake offered.

“Can't.” It came out as barely a whisper, so Jake crawled a little closer to Cougar, but Cougar tried to back up.

“Sure you can. You don't need to go. I'm not mad. Just want to make sure you're okay.” Jake was a little shaken, but he was coping better than he would've expected himself to. He had his own nightmares, and he'd come up swinging before. When he'd lived with Erin, he'd always been afraid of hurting them, but thankfully it had never come to that. So, he understood how Cougar felt.

“No, I can't read. My hands shake,” Cougar told him, lifting his hands, so Jake could see the way they still shook from his nightmare. Jake gulped. He felt like he'd just been trusted with State secrets.

“Um, what if I read to you?” He tried, still holding onto Cougar's arm, but keeping a distance between their bodies. Cougar shrugged. “I promise I'm good at it. Well, the four year olds enjoy it at the library, and trust me, they are tough critics. I also do voices which is really fun if we get to any sexy bits. I do the best sultry voices,” Jake told him, letting go of Cougar's hand to pick up the book.

“Okay, so where were we?” Jake asked, though it wasn't really a question since the bookmark told him where Cougar had left off. Cougar just watched him as he opened the book to the new chapter and started to read in a steady, calming voice.

Cougar sat quietly listening. At first, his breathing was still ragged, and Jake could see his hands shaking out of the corner of his eye, but he just kept reading to him. Cougar wasn't bolting for the door, so Jake took that as a good sign. Slowly, Cougar's breathing eased until it was inaudible as usual, and his hands settled.

After a few chapters, Jake put his finger in the book for a moment and looked up at Cougar who was watching him with that unreadable expression of his. “You want some hot cocoa?” Jake asked.

Cougar shrugged, but Jake saw the light in his eyes at the suggestion. Cougar must have removed his hat while they slept, so Jake could now see all of the emotion on Cougar's face.

“Okay, let's break. Why don't you splash some water on your face, and I'll make the best hot cocoa you've ever had,” Jake told him, patting him on the leg before getting off the couch. “I'm telling you I can't do much in the kitchen, but I'm a cocoa master. Beth is addicted to the stuff. Erin too.”

Cougar ended up following him and doing most of the preparations himself because Jake's hand was still wrapped, and it was just easier when Cougar followed his directions. Jake watched the way Cougar relaxed into the task, following Jake's every order. Jake didn't even take over when there was nothing left but to stir the mixture in the pot because the repetitive motion seemed to sooth Cougar even more.

“Did you have a nightmare because of what we talked about?” Jake found himself asking as he watched Cougar. He couldn't get it out of his mind that this might be his fault even though Cougar had admitted to having nightmares in the past.

“They come most nights. Nothing you've done has made it any worse,” Cougar told him quietly. Jake accepted that because that's all he could do. As much as he wished he could relieve Cougar's nightmares, he knew that wasn't how it worked, so he'd settle for not making them worse.

By the time Cougar poured them each a mug, he seemed almost back to his regular self. Cougar carried their mugs back to the sofa, and Jake sat back down with the book. He cradled the book in his lap as he started to read again. Cougar settled down with both their drinks and handed Jake's over when he wanted a sip.

The sun was rising by the time Jake finished the story. Cougar had gotten a very good start on it earlier in the day. Their hot cocoa was long gone, and the mugs sat on the coffee table. Cougar was quiet as Jake finished. His head rested on the back of the couch, and his face was turned, so he could watch Jake as he read.

“So, what did you think?” Jake asked quietly, afraid to break the tranquil spell they seemed to be under. One side of Cougar's mouth turned up on a lopsided smile that made Jake's heart flutter.

“I enjoyed it even more this time,” Cougar told him.

“Just how many times have you read this?”

“Several. It is hard to come by, so I read it when I can,” Cougar said, giving Jake the smallest of smiles.

“It was my voices wasn't it?” Jake asked with a impish grin.

“Of course,” Cougar said, shaking his head.

“Coffee?” Jake asked, checking the time. The coffee shop was definitely open already.

Cougar shook his head, turning to stare up at the ceiling. “Clients today. Need to rest before classes,” Cougar explained.

“You can rest here. The spare bed is really comfy,” Jake offered.

Still Cougar declined the invitation. “I've kept you up all night. I should go.”

“But, it was fun. Well, the reading was fun, not the nightmare. I never have guests, so it's nice to have someone to talk to or read to or just look at...not in a creepy way, but it gets kinda lonely here. But, um, I can drive you back to the studio I guess. Beth should be feeling better by Tuesday, so I'll see you then,” Jake offered.

“You are welcome to come by without your niece. I'm usually there,” Cougar told him, taking the mugs to the sink and washing them, so Jake wouldn't have to worry about it.

“I don't want to bother you. I tend to get hurt when I interrupt you,” Jake told him, following him into the kitchen.

“You aren't a bother.”

“You are the first person that's ever said that. Let me tell you, I'm pretty sure it was in my military file, and by pretty sure, I mean, I am positive because I looked it up,” Jake told him.

“Fools,” Cougar said dismissively, as though that title applied to everyone Jake had ever met, and he said it so casually that Jake almost believed him.

“Thanks.”

Cougar waved it off, but Jake still appreciated Cougar's idea of friendship.

Cougar didn't talk on the short drive to the studio. Jake talked about _Frenchman's Creek_ and his favorite parts, and Cougar nodded along when he agreed and scoffed when he didn't. Jake wanted to hear Cougar's opinions too. He clearly had them with how animated his scoffing was, but Jake didn't push it.

When he stopped in front of the studio, Cougar turned to him and tipped his hat back, so he could look Jake in the eye. “Thank you for last night, and I'm sorry I hurt you...again,” he told him.

“Hey, it's no problem, and I know you didn't mean to grab me. You couldn't control that, and don't give me that BS about how you shouldn't have stayed. I'm glad you did. It was fun,” Jake told him.

Cougar smiled and nodded as he got out of the car. “You can probably unbandage your hand,” Cougar told him.

“You're just sayin' that, so I come let you do it, you sly cat,” Jake told him. Cougar smirked and shrugged, shutting the door and heading inside.

Jake really didn't know what to make of the man. He was definitely the most badass person Jake had ever met, and Jake had been in the Army long enough to meet a few certified badasses. Still, Cougar wasn't just that. He was tender in the way he could care for injuries or teach children how to defend themselves without scaring the hell out of them. There was the side of him that gave free classes to women who were at risk of getting mugged after work, then escorted them to their cars at night, so they didn't have to put that knowledge to use. And the side of him that liked historical romances and had a sweet tooth.

Jake watched as Cougar talked to Clay when he got inside. Clay's body language wasn't happy as he loomed over Cougar, but even though Cougar was smaller than him, he didn't show any sign of being intimidated. Jake pulled away to head back and watch cartoons like he did on weekends. He wished he was returning with Cougar because he liked it when he was around. He might not talk much unless directly spoken to, but his presence was vibrant, that was the best word Jake could think of for it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featured reading this chapter:
> 
> [Bunnicula ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bunnicula) by James Howe. 
> 
> [Frenchman’s Creek](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frenchman%27s_Creek_%28novel%29) by Daphne du Maurier.


	6. Chapter 6

Jake showed up on Tuesday with Beth a half an hour early. His hand itched terribly, but he couldn't get the bandage off without help. Cougar had done some magic on the thing that even Houdini couldn't have gotten out of. Jake needed the bandage off now, or he was going to scratch his way through it to get to the pesky itch.

Beth didn't really understand why they were going early, but she didn't seem to mind at all as he drove to the studio. Clay was teaching a class to a bunch of questionable looking individuals when they walked in. A few women Jake recognized from town were there, but there were men too, and everyone looked like the kind of person you didn't want to follow you out of a bar.

Jake held Beth's hand a little tighter as he got Clay's attention. “Cougar here?” he asked.

“Office,” Clay told him. Jake looked across at the office. They needed to walk through the class to get there. Jake had never been a coward, but he really didn't like getting close to strangers, especially if there wasn't an easy exit. Sure, sometimes he jumped head first into stupid situations, but Jake was willing to write that off as Cougar's weird effect on him.

“We can wait, Uncle Jake,” Beth told him, sensing his unease. That hit Jake in the gut. His ten year old niece shouldn't be protecting him. He should be able to protect her from anything.

“Nah, let's go say hi,” he told her in his most controlled voice.

He led her through the class, breathing steadily as they dodged participants who didn't seem to care at all that Jake was trying to get through. Jake knew Beth was glaring at everyone that stepped too close, and he loved her for it, even if he felt like a loser that she felt she had to.

Jake was halfway across the room when Cougar stormed out of the office looking like he might shoot the first person that talked to him. “Maybe now's a bad time,” Jake muttered as Cougar marched toward them.

Suddenly, everyone was giving Jake a wide berth, parting to let Cougar pass. Cougar's glare was definitely more effective than Beth's as he stared down anyone who'd gotten close to them. “Someone comes to see me, you leave them alone,” Cougar growled, and Jake realized he was speaking to Clay.

“Kid thinks he can take you. Why wouldn't he be able to take one of them,” Clay asked. He stood at the front of the room in a wrinkled suit with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. The man looked like the human equivalent of a hangover.

“Because if one of your _friends_ touches him, I shoot them between the eyes,” Cougar told him.

He passed Jake and lifted Beth into his arms before grabbing Jake's arm and nearly dragging him into the office.

“Whoa, what is going on out there? Also, conversations need to be PG rated around the ten year old. I have a chart on my phone that I can show you that gives all of the PG rating guidelines. Erin printed them out and papered the walls with them when I moved home. We were still at the G stage then. We've been upgraded since, but evidently, I had a potty mouth,” Jake told him, pulling his arm away from Cougar's grip. He was feeling a little jittery and being close to anyone wasn't really going to help that at all.

“Business venture of Clay's. I want nothing to do with it,” Cougar told him as he put Beth down on the comfy looking couch in the spacious office. Jake looked around. There were multiple desks and tables, and a small kitchenette. There was also a door to what Jake assumed was a bathroom, possibly a shower.

“That doesn't sound ominous at all. Those people out there look like they'd steal your lunch money then your shoes. Why shoes? Because they're d.i.c.k.s,” Jake told him. “That's PG.”

“I can spell dicks, Uncle Jake,” Beth told him.

“Don't let your mother know that if you ever want to see me again,” Jake warned her.

Cougar snorted. “Fair assessment.”

Jake wanted to question Cougar further, but he glanced at Beth and decided against it. “So, I have this itch...”

“See a doctor,” Cougar told him.

“Not that kind of itch, you perv.”

“What kind of itch?” Beth asked, and Jake groaned.

“My hand itches, but I can't scratch it,” Jake told them, holding up his bandaged hand.

“I told you to take the bandage off,” Cougar said, looking at Jake like he was an idiot.

“You did some crazy stuff to it, and I can't get it off.”

Cougar looked skeptical as he stepped forward and looked at his handiwork. He clicked his tongue as he ran his fingers all over it. He looked up at Jake stoically then over at Beth with a grave expression. “Won't come off,” he said darkly.

“What do you mean it won't come off?” Jake squawked.

“Stuck.”

“What are you gonna do?” Beth asked, sounding worried for Jake's safety.

“Have to cut it off,” Cougar said.

“Cut what off?” Jake asked. He felt himself start to sweat just at the implication.

Cougar didn't respond. He walked over to one of the drawers on the other side of the office and pulled out the biggest pair of scissors Jake had ever seen. Beth's eyes were wide as Cougar approached him.

“Cut what off, Cougs? Hey, get away from me with those. I need this hand,” Jake told him, but Cougar grabbed his hand lightning quick.

Before Jake could do anything but squeak, Cougar snipped at the bandage, and like a spring, the whole thing unraveled. Beth started to laugh loudly as Jake stood gaping at Cougar who was grinning at him.

“You bastard! I thought you were going to cut my hand off with kitchen scissors!” Jake complained, in shock that Cougar had gotten him that easily.

“Idiota,” Cougar said, still grinning. He put the scissors down and carefully pulled away the last of the bandage, then he gently scratched at Jake's hand with his blunt nails. It felt good enough that Jake forgave him the little show he'd put on.

“You know that Beth is going to tell her mother all about this, and that I'm never going to be able to live it down, right?” Jake asked him, pressing his hand up harder against Cougar's nails.

Cougar turned to Beth and winked at her. Jake grumbled at him.

“She's your favorite,” Jake accused. Cougar laughed at that.

“It's okay, Uncle Jake. Mandy's mom says you're cute,” Beth told him.

“Mandy's mom? Who's she?”

“Blond hair, petite. Always in floral print,” Cougar told him.

“Oh, huh. How 'bout that.”

“Mr. Cougar, what did I miss on Saturday?” Beth asked.

Cougar stopped scratching Jake's hand and walked over to sit beside Beth. Jake felt the loss, but at least his hand had stopped itching, and he was less shaken.

Cougar actually talked to Beth. She didn't need to prompt or needle him to get long explanations. Cougar was definitely good with kids. He had an ease with them, where as a tension existed when he spoke to adults.

Ten minutes later, Clay walked in as Cougar was deep in conversation with Beth while he retaped Jake's injured fingers, so he would at least have use of his thumb and forefinger. Jensen had insisted that Cougar tape his fingers, so he was always giving the Vulcan salute, but Cougar deemed that impractical. Jake made sure to tell him that he was no fun.

“What the hell was that, Sergeant?” Clay demanded as he slammed the door shut, ignoring Jake and Beth's presence.

Cougar looked over at him from beneath his hat, and Jake got the full power of the glare Cougar sent Clay because he was right next to him.

“Don't give me that, Cougar. I'm trying to run a business, and you're here running a little charity for all of your strays,” Cougar complained.

“Thought everything was for those strays, _Colonel_ , or are you willing to admit it was petty revenge that almost got us all killed?” Cougar asked, sounding calm as he continued to wrap the tape around Jake's fingers. Without looking, he kept the pressure enough that Jake couldn't move his fingers, but not enough that it would cut circulation.

“Is that what this is about? He—”

“Is gone.”

“And who's going to stand up when the next someone like him comes along? You haven't picked up a rifle in months. You spend your days teaching kids and waitresses how to kick men in the nuts. Pooch sits at home with his perfect family. Who's going to fix the mess next time?” Clay demanded, flicking his lighter open and closed like he was itching to light that cigarette.

“None of us. Next time, it's not our fight.”

“I think everyone needs to tone this down because there is a child in the room,” Jake cut in. He was pissed at Clay for the stunt he'd pulled in the studio and now coming in here and mouthing off in front of Beth.

“You shouldn't even be here,” Clay retorted, staring down at Jake.

Jake wasn't intimidated. Jake saw a man that had spent too many years caring too much, and had lost all faith when that came back to bite him in the ass. Jake didn't know his story, but he felt like Clay had a right to his bitterness. He just didn't have a right to it in front of Beth as far as Jake was concerned.

Cougar finished taping Jake up, and he stood and stalked over to Clay. “I told you one last fight. I more than kept my bargain, now keep out of my business,” Cougar told him, motioning for Jake and Beth to follow him. Cougar went out into the studio and started wiping down the mats with disinfectant and setting up for class.

“Wait here,” Jake told Beth quietly, as he got her situated in one of the chairs in the waiting area. She seemed fine with the little show she'd just witnessed, but Jake would talk to her about it later just in case. Right now, Cougar didn't look fine.

Jensen walked over to Cougar, and touched his shoulder gently with his splinted fingers. “You okay?” Jake asked.

Cougar nodded, seemingly unaffected by the exchange. The man certainly had that poker face mastered.

“He's your Colonel, and you basically told him to go fuck himself. Something ain't okay, even if you are out of the Army,” Jake noted.

“Stay after? I'll buy burgers, Beth too,” Cougar offered quietly.

“Is this you buying me off, so I don't ask you anymore questions?”

“Sí.”

“Then we want milkshakes too,” Jake bargained, believing that Cougar would explain eventually.

“Deal.”

\---

After class, they went down to the burger joint in the same strip mall. Beth talked Cougar's ear off the entire time. Jake found himself just watching the interaction between them. He wasn't as jealous of their relationship now that he knew Cougar.

Jake didn't have too many friends, and the ones he had had never understood his love for his niece. Beth was awesome. There was no doubt about that, but she also represented something that Jake knew he wouldn't get to have himself. So, he tried very hard not to miss a bit of her growing up. She was it for him. Maybe she wasn't his in the biological sense, but she was his girl.

“Uncle Jake, are you even listening?” Beth asked him.

Jake shook himself out of his thoughts and looked up from his double thick malt shake. “It's okay, Beth. Your uncle has a lot on his mind,” Cougar told her softly.

“But we can't have a picnic without him,” Beth announced.

“Picnic?” Jake asked, wondering just how far he'd let his mind wander.

“I told Mr. Cougar that we should have a picnic at the park after our last class,” Beth explained. “He said it was a great idea.”

“That so? Well, I guess I'll have to make my world famous potato salad,” Jake told her.

“You mean, mom's 'tato salad,” Beth corrected him, and Cougar laughed. Cougar laughed at him a lot, but Jake didn't really mind. He liked Cougar's laugh. Cougar laughing meant he was comfortable and content.

“Who do you think taught her how to make it?”

“Grandma.”

“Man, you are tough. I'm tryin' to look cool in front of Cougar here. Give a guy some help,” Jake told her.

“Uncle Jake, you tried to fight him then fell over and hurt yourself. He knows you're not cool,” Beth told him.

Jake clutched his chest as if he'd been shot. “You got me. I don't think I'm gonna make it. Cougar, you need to give my robot books a safe home. Beth?”

“Yes, Uncle Jake?” she asked between sips of her shake.

“There's a stuffed animal in the trunk of the car. He's for you,” Jake told her then dramatically pretended to die on the table. Cougar quickly moved his milkshake before Jake could spill it.

“You're a drama queen, Uncle Jake.”

“The things her mother says about me,” Jake sighed, looking up at Cougar from the table top.

“My nieces used to call me Uncle Jesús because my sister said I looked like Jesus when I started to let my hair grow out,” Cougar told him sympathetically. Jake snorted. That was definitely something a sister would say—within earshot of her children.

“Dude, sisters are the worst,” Jake commiserated, even though it was a complete lie. Erin was the reason he was still alive, and Jake was grateful for her everyday. He suspected Cougar felt the same though, from the longing smile he gave Jake.

“So, are you gonna come to the picnic, Uncle Jake?” Beth asked.

“Wouldn't miss it for anything,” Jake told her, leaning over as if to kiss her head, but dipping down to steal a sip of her milkshake instead. That earned him a punch from his niece and a raised brow from Cougar as though to ask what he'd expected to happen.

After dinner and shakes, they wandered back to the studio. Clay was inside with Aisha, and they looked to be arguing. Jake got the feeling that Clay did a lot of arguing. “Um, you gonna be okay here?” he asked. Beth was still holding Cougar's hand tightly like she wanted to take him home.

“Sí,” Cougar told him simply.

“Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me,” Jake told him. “Thanks for dinner. Now I owe you again.”

“You do not owe me anything,” Cougar assured him, kneeling down to bid Beth a good night. She shyly gave him a hug then scampered over to Jake who led her to the car. Jake was starting to think Beth had a pint sized crush on Cougar, and he couldn't blame her at all. The man was endearing.

\---

Cougar was sitting in his apartment when Jake got home from his sister's house that night. “You know they have a name for this, and it's a felony?” Jake remarked as he kicked off his shoes. He definitely hadn't been expecting Cougar to take him up on his offer, especially not by breaking into his apartment.

The television was on, and the second _Pirates of the Caribbean's_ menu played on the screen. “Keeping the pirate theme for your burglary party?” Jake asked as he took a seat. “Wow, you even brought coffee.”

Jake got a good look at Cougar as he sat down. Cougar didn't look good. “Um, am I allowed to ask if you're alright, or is that off the table because of 'keep your mouth shut dinner?'” Jake asked, putting the coffee back down without taking a sip. He was worried, but he was also a bit annoyed by Cougar's blocking him out.

“I'm fine,” Cougar told him, tipping his hat lower. Clearly, Cougar wasn't in a giving mood.

“Um, I'm gonna go with that is an utter lie no matter how low you manage to tip your hat,” Jake told him, reaching out to grab the hat, but Cougar caught his wrist between strong fingers.

“Do not touch the hat,” he told him fiercely. Great, now he was touchy about inanimate objects.

“Fine, but you're still a lying sack of shit. I'm totally onto you. If you don't want to talk about it fine; I'm going to bed. Sleep where you want,” Jake told him, mad that Cougar would break into his house but still not tell him what was wrong.

Jake was halfway to his room when Cougar grabbed his arm. Jake almost came out of his skin at how stealthy Cougar was. As it was, he had to take a gulp of air to try to calm himself, but Cougar was right in front of him in an instant. He took up all of Jake's view as he guided his back to the wall to show Jake he was the only one there.

“Shit, please don't do that to me,” Jake told him, showing his own weakness.

“I didn't think. Lo siento. I will go,” Cougar told him.

“Dammit, Coug. I told you that you could come here. I don't know why you put up with me since the first thing I ever did to you was challenge you to a fight, then I threw what you told me about yourself in your face, but you've wrapped my dumb fingers and helped my ankle even when I've been a stubborn ass. Let me fuckin' help you for a minute, okay? That's how friendship works. Give and take,” Jake told him, gripping the front of Cougar's shirt tightly and fighting down his own demons.

“I don't have friends.”

“Well that's a fuckin' problem, Cougs. Everybody needs friends. You can't just have superiors and subordinates. Life isn't the fucking military, _thank fuck_. I was in for two years, and trust me, it's taken six to teach me that I can move on, and no one's going to walk by and punish me for not saluting. You can have friends, man, people outside your team because from where I'm standing, that team is hanging by a thread,” Jake told him, trying to hold his emotions in check.

“You want to be my friend?”

“Dude, what have we been doing for the last few weeks? We _are_ friends,” Jake told him.

Cougar gave him a small smile like he found Jake particularly amusing, but he nodded. “It is a long story, and I don't enjoy any of it. Maybe one day I will tell you, but not tonight,” Cougar conceded.

“I don't need to know the story. I just need to know if you're okay,” Jake said, loosening his grip on Cougar's shirt.

“No, but it is not something you can fix,” Cougar admitted, stepping out of Jake's grasp. Jake let him go, but he didn't like it.

“Well, how about some coffee and I read us one of my books tonight?” Jake offered.

Cougar nodded. “I would enjoy that.”

Jake took down the _Robot Series_ and smiled at Cougar as he came to sit next to him, invading his space. If Cougar liked _I, Robot_ , Jake hoped he'd like the rest of the series. Jake kicked his legs up beside Cougar's and opened the book. Cougar rested his head back against the sofa and listened as Jake began to read to him again.

Jake stopped every so often to tell him his thoughts, and Cougar actually shared his own quietly. Jake couldn't help but grin as Cougar critiqued the Laws of Robotics. Cougar didn't like that man created things to do their dirty work then feared them for what they were created for. That was how Jake found out that Cougar had been a sniper. Cougar related the treatment of robots throughout the series to his own experiences.

“They need men like me, but even among other soldiers, I was feared. Even among the Special Forces. You can see it in a man's eyes when he hears what it is you do. Like the robots, we create men like me for a purpose, but we fear the power we give them,” Cougar said, watching Jake from beneath his hat.

Jake noticed the way that Cougar spoke without hesitation. He'd clearly spent time thinking about what he was and what he'd done, probably too much time.

“I guess I see why you like pirates more,” Jake told him as he realized that Cougar had been expected to be a like a machine for years. “No one tells a pirate what to do,” Jake said.

Cougar shrugged.

“You're more than a machine, Cougar. You make a bunch of little girls feel like they can take on the world every time you teach class. You make sure people get home safe at night. You tape up guys who try to fight you. I don't know what you've done in the past, man, but you're more than what they made you to be,” Jake told him.

“I am what I am,” Cougar said noncommittally.

“That was deep, Cougs,” Jake joked. Cougar punched him lightly in the arm and stole the book from his hands. Jake was surprised when Cougar picked up where he'd left off. Jake didn't take him for the read aloud type, but Jake enjoyed his voice as he read one of Jake's favorite stories.

\---

This time, Jake woke to the feeling of fingers threading through his hair. It was pleasant, and Jake pressed himself closer to the sensation. He startled a little when the pillow he was sleeping on moved, but the arm that wrapped around his shoulders was too nice to displace. Then the hand started running through his hair again, and Jake decided he must be dreaming, and it was a very pleasant dream that he did not wish to wake from.

Eventually, Jake's bladder was what ruined it. He slowly opened his eyes only to realize that his pillow had been moving because it was in fact Cougar's chest.

“Shit, this is embarrassing. You're covered in my drool,” Jake muttered as he looked down at the dark patch he'd made on Cougar's t-shirt. Cougar chuckled, letting his fingers drop from Jake's hair. “So, how loudly did I snore in your ear, or did I start grinding against you? Wait, don't answer that. I'm going to go piss, and question my life choices. Feel free to sneak out the fire escape and never mention this again,” Jake told him as he jumped off the couch and dashed to the bathroom. He could have kicked himself for getting so cozy with Cougar when Cougar was clearly uncomfortable sharing with him.

Jake still wasn't sure how he felt about the night before. It was clear that Cougar had his own troubles that he needed to work through, and he didn't want to share them with Jake or probably anyone. Jake couldn't blame him because he'd been the same, but it was frustrating.

When Jake came out of the bathroom, Cougar was still sitting on the couch, and he lazily waved Jake over as he came back into the room.

“You want to snuggle some more?” Jake asked skeptically.

Cougar shrugged. “It's still early, and I was comfortable,” Cougar told him. So, maybe Cougar wasn't so against the whole thing, just the talking part.

“Not to sound presumptuous at all, but we could use my bed. It's pretty massive, and it feels like you're lying on a cloud,” Jake offered.

“You go, I will be fine,” Cougar told him. Cougar toed off his boots before pulling his feet up onto the sofa.

“Um, yeah okay. There are blankets in the spare room if you need them. Let me know if you need anything else,” Jake told him suddenly feeling awkward. Had that been too much? Sharing a bed was definitely a big thing, but it wasn't like Jake hadn't just been sleeping pressed against Cougar's chest.

“Sleep well, Jake,” Cougar told him before turning away from Jake and settling in.

Jake sighed and retreated to his room, a little disappointed that Cougar hadn't joined him or insisted they keep snuggling, but Jake understood it. Not even a week ago, Cougar had lashed out at him while he slept. Jake just wished he had someone to share his bed with even if it was for platonic cuddles.

Jake told himself that he needed to take this friendship with Cougar slow because he was already prepared to jump in headfirst when Cougar barely had his toes wet. Still, Jake hadn't felt so comfortable with someone since he came home six years ago. Jake dozed off to the thought that Cougar was making him realize just how much he'd been missing even though he thought he'd been doing well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter reading: [Robot Series](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robot_series_%28Asimov%29) by Isaac Asimov (Yes, Jake loves his Asimov. There will more of a variety in coming chapters.)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 6/10/15- I added a paragraph description by request. Check endnote if you don't want to reread.
> 
> Check the tags or the endnotes for chapter warnings.

Jake had forgotten to set his alarm the night before because of Cougar's break in, so the next morning, only hours after moving to his own bed, he woke with approximately twenty minutes to get to work. Jake flailed as he jumped out of bed. He thundered down the hall to the bathroom and jumped into a cold shower because he didn't have time to wait for the water to heat.

He brushed his teeth under the shower as he shampooed his hair. He only got shampoo in his mouth once, and that was as he tried to rinse his mouth out. This was actually better than usual as he always got shampoo in his mouth as he rambled or sang to himself. He soaped his body with the most efficiency he could muster, being half awake. He dropped the soap several times and nearly fell over more than once.

Jake ran out of the bathroom with his towel slung low on his hips and his wet hair still plastered to his head. He wasn't thinking about anything but the lack of caffeine in his system. He needed his phone, so he could call downstairs and have his coffee waiting for him when he left. If only he could remember where he'd put it.

He wasn't expecting to trip over a boot as he ran past the couch. He cursed loudly as he gripped his towel for dear life. He definitely wasn't expecting to find Cougar blinking up at him sleepily as though Jake had just woken him.

“Shit,” he cursed as Cougar opened his eyes completely and let them wander the length of Jake's body, taking in everything from the droplets of water pooling in his clavicle, to the one that escaped and made a trail before disappearing beneath his towel, and the expanse of tattoos scars in between.

Jake froze like an animal seeing its fate in a pair of too bright headlights, only his fate belonged to a pair of molten brown eyes that appraised every bitter white mark on his already pale skin. Jake couldn't swallow around the lump in his throat, or maybe it was because of how dry his mouth had gotten.

The truth was that, since he came back from the Army, Jake had let all of three people see what they'd done to him. His own sister had worn a look of horror as she saw what they'd done to him. His ex-girlfriend had barely hidden her disappointment at the state of his otherwise “perfect” body. Sam, his landlord and owner of the coffee shop, hadn't had that reaction. She'd looked him right in the eye and told him they didn't make him any less of a person.

It wasn't enough. Jake had spent the last six years disgusted with his own body. It wasn't vanity. Jake had other scars that didn't make his stomach turn. These though, they brought back nightmares, and they itched when he got anxious—which had been constantly back when he'd first returned. These were why the days of hacking in his underwear were long gone. Summers spent sleeping on the beach in just shorts were over.

These were the marks that brought to mind every shortcoming, failing, and mistake Jacob Jensen had ever made. They branded him a liar, a snitch, and a traitor without a single one of those titles fitting him. When people saw them and heard his story, they had their doubts. They made assumptions which was exactly what Cougar had to be doing as Jake stood there staring at him.

“So, this is awkward, but have you seen my phone? I'm late, and I _need_ coffee,” Jake inquired, trying not to think about Cougar seeing the marks of his past. He couldn't think about it, or he'd break down. No one was allowed to see them. Even Jake didn't look if he didn't have to. 

There were three exit wounds. One came through his shoulder leaving a quarter sized pucker of scar tissue as well as spider webbing around it. Two came through his torso, and nearly killed him. They were larger. One just above his right hip, and the other just shy of center which had compromised a portion of his liver. There were also the knife wounds. One went down his ribs on his left side then slashed across his belly still angry and pink after all this time. The other was an inch and a half long scar above his left hip where he'd been stabbed, and the knife left in him, and that was only the front of his body. No, Jake needed coffee, and he needed to get as far from Cougar and thoughts of his past as possible.

Cougar slowly dragged his eyes back up to Jake's face. Jake knew he looked like a child with his hair flattened, and his glasses MIA. He did not appreciate Cougar's smirk at all. Though that was not a callous smirk if Jake ever saw one. It was more a hungry smirk. His dick's betrayal on that front would be noted and dealt with at a later time. Right now, Jake was too off balance to think about Cougar's reaction, or his body's reaction to Cougar's reaction.

“I'll go down for it,” Cougar told him with a sleep roughened voice.

Jake gulped. “Go down for what?” he asked, trying to keep the squeak out of his own voice. Was Cougar flirting with him while he was standing there baring the worst of his scarring?

“Coffee.”

“Oh, yeah, coffee. Shit, I'm going to be late. Make it as big as it comes. Tell Sam that it's for me, and she'll put it on my tab,” Jake said, turning and fleeing to his room. He was going to hyperventilate if he stood near Cougar a moment longer.

Jake dropped his towel at the door, not caring that he was still wet. He berated himself for forgetting Cougar was there and for letting himself be vulnerable in front of him. He didn't care that Cougar had taken care of his bumps and bruises before. This was a different type of vulnerability. Jake wore all sorts of vibrant and ridiculous clothing, but he _never_ let people see him without it.

Now, Cougar'd gotten an eyeful, and Jake felt exposed even as he tugged on boxers and jeans. He layered a henley beneath his t-shirt just because he felt uncomfortable. If Cougar was out there, he was going to know why Jake was so covered up. That would just make it worse. Jake tugged off his t-shirt then the henley, but his scars itched as he pulled the t-shirt back on.

Jake groaned as he collapsed on the bed, pulling his socks on as he went. He didn't have time for a crisis. He took a few deep breaths as he laced his sneakers. He'd wear the henley, Cougar be damned. The henley would make him feel more comfortable. Erin would tell him to wear it.

Jake tried to think about Cougar's suggestive words instead of the disgust his mind was trying to paint onto Cougar's features. It didn't really help, but Jake mustered enough courage to open the door to his room instead of calling out of work.

Cougar was leaning against the wall outside Jake's room when Jake came out—far enough away not to crowd, but close enough that Jake couldn't miss him, and scare himself again. He had a huge travel cup of coffee in his hand and a somber look on his face.

“Hey, I can wear the henley if I want. Don't give me that look. Not everything I own has a cartoon character or robots on it. I can own some respectable clothing, not that there is anything _not_ respectable about robots...”

“Breathe,” Cougar told him softly, and Jake stopped short. He hadn't meant to do that, so he did as Cougar said and took a slow breath.

Cougar handed over his coffee and his phone. Once Jake had slid the phone into his back pocket, Cougar produced Jake's glasses and a bakery bag.

“How are you so put together in the morning?” Jake asked, feeling himself start to calm as he got everything he needed handed to him. Cougar exuded calm, and it was infectious. Cougar didn't look disgusted even now. He was probably just too controlled to show how ugly he thought Jake's body was. That was probably it.

“Practice,” Cougar told him, stepping back so Jake could fully step out of his room. Lastly, Cougar held up Jake's car keys with a smirk. “You have seven minutes,” he told him.

Jake grabbed the keys and headed for the door. Cougar had given him an out, and Jake had every intention of taking it until he stopped short and turned around. Under all of the self-doubt and self-loathing, a little light bulb went off in Jake's head.

“You don't sleep when anyone's around, but I woke you up this morning didn't I?” Jake suddenly asked. He studied Cougar closely as he waited for an answer.

“Sí.” Cougar didn't seem uncomfortable admitting he'd let his guard down with Jake, and Jake had the presence of mind to think that was a big step for him.

“So, on some level you trust me enough to let yourself fall asleep here instead of going back to the studio?”

Cougar shrugged. Jake bit his lip. If he didn't do this now, he'd likely never have the courage to see Cougar again. That wasn't fair to Beth, and he didn't like letting her down. When Trish, his ex-girlfriend, had seen them, he'd left her apartment that night and never saw her again. He'd been living with them for six years, Jake told himself. He deserved to be able to talk about them.

“I don't let anyone see my body. They ask questions, and I can't say my own men tried to kill me. Even my own sister didn't believe me at first. I took three bullets and was stabbed and slashed, but even with those I'm branded a liar. If not a liar, then people think I must have deserved it if they turned on me. You weren't supposed to see them, I forgot I wasn't safe...I mean alone. I hate them, and some days I wish I could peel my skin off, but I don't let people look down on me for them. If you've got a problem with them, then I'd rather you didn't come around anymore. I'm gonna go to work now,” Jake said, mumbling the end as he turned and sped out the door. He wasn't about to stick around for Cougar's reply. Jake didn't even look over his shoulder as he shut the door behind him.

\---

Jake was proud of himself after his confrontation with Cougar. He could still feel the anxiousness at the back of his mind, but he was used to that. He was proud that he'd defended himself because he'd never done that with Trish or even Erin, though he knew Erin's reaction had more to do with guilt than revulsion. Still, Jake wasn't exactly looking forward to or expecting to see Cougar again.

Even if Jake was proud of himself, he found his hands wandering to his scars as he went through his regular routine. When he'd bend to rearrange a shelf, he'd feel the pull on one of the marks on his back, and his fingers would go to scratch it, which often jarred his injured fingers and just made him more frustrated. When he'd be standing still for too long, his belly tingled and he found himself rubbing it in annoyance. He hated when he was aware of them, and he wouldn't stop being aware of them until his mind settled.

Jake was dancing to Journey at the circulation desk, scanning the returned books back into the system when he saw _Frenchman's Creek_ in the pile. He froze mid hip swivel and looked up at the library, frowning as he scanned the area. He didn't see Cougar, but he hadn't seen him come in either which he clearly had since they only had one copy of _Frenchman's Creek._

Jake went back to scanning the books in with decidedly less hip action, but he continued to sing quietly to himself. This was his safe place, and Cougar wasn't going to ruin that for him.

Jake almost jumped onto the desk when a thick book slid in front of him. Jake read the title and laughed nervously. _The Count of Monte Cristo_. He looked up to see Cougar standing there looking directly at him from beneath his hat. Jake mentally held himself back from itching at the scar along his ribs.

“No one is entitled to your story but those you choose to give in to. There's no shame in scars, and those who'd shame you for them have never known how easily the knife of betrayal slides into one's back,” Cougar said, holding out the library card Jake had given him.

Jake opened his mouth to speak, but for once in his life he was at a loss for words, so Cougar found his instead.

“I thought we might enjoy this one,” Cougar said, holding open the cover of the book, so Jake could scan it.

Jake snorted. “A little heavy handed with the betrayal themes, Coug,” Jake said, but he felt like his whole body was sweating in relief.

“You do not carry _The_ _Seahawk_ , so I went with this,” Cougar said, shrugging.

“You don't think I deserved it?” Jake asked skeptically.

“No.”

“You don't think they're gross?”

“Your body is far from unappealing.” There was that smirk again. Jake ignored it in favor of scanning the book. There was no use getting his hopes up.

"Yeah, but like—"

"Jake, I will not define you by them."  

Jake bit his lip, feeling the itch to fidget, but he forced himself to meet Cougar's gaze, and give him a tight nod.  He couldn't bring himself to thank Cougar because he knew Cougar didn't think it was something that required thanks, so he changed the subject.

“Are you coming over to read tonight?” Jake asked, tucking a new bookmark into the book, unsure if Cougar still had the last one, and also because it had a kitten on it, and he thought that was perfect for Cougar.

“If you want company.”

“I could go for that. I don't really cook, so I suggest eating before you show up. I gave Erin food poisoning one holiday when I told her I wanted to cook, and since then she has revoked my kitchen privileges,” Jake warned him.

Cougar smirked at him, and Jake felt like there was plotting going on beneath that hat. Cougar tipped the cowboy hat then turned to leave with his book.

“See you later,” Jake called after him, a little shocked to be saying that after the morning he had.

Jake went back to humming Journey as he bopped around behind the counter. His mood drastically improved due to Cougar's visit, and he looked forward to reading with Cougar that night even if Dumas was a verbose bastard—not that Jake could really judge anyone for that.

\---

Jake came home to find his apartment smelled delicious—a little spicy, but delicious. Jake kicked off his shoes in the hallway and wandered to the kitchen to find Cougar preparing what looked to be a feast. Jake found it much easier to forgive the breaking and entering when there was this much food involved. There was rice on the stove and vegetables waiting to be cooking. Then there was the island which Cougar seemed to have taken over.

“When I said that my kitchen privileges had been revoked, I didn't mean you had to break into my apartment and cook enough food for a small army,” Jake said as he leaned over the counter to pick up some of the seasoned meat that looked like it would be going into empanadas.

Cougar reached out with incredible speed and slapped Jake's hand away from the meat.

“Well, that's just rude. You break into my house and then deny me food,” Jake complained as he tried again, meeting the same swift resistance.

“Wash your hands. You touch filthy books all day,” Cougar told him without looking up from where he was preparing the dough.

“Not every book I touch is filthy. Some people get out children's books. None of them have raunchy sex in them, at least none that I've read,” Jake retorted.

“Germs not content,” Cougar told him, and Jake didn't need to look to know there was an eye roll accompanying that sentence.

“I guess they are sort of dirty. Did you know that they did a study, and they found all sorts of traces of diseases on library books, especially the raunchy ones? They fund that, but they won't fund me building robots,” Jake complained as he thoroughly washed his hands in the sink. He was definitely going to need Cougar to bandage his fingers again because the tape got funky when he washed up, and he'd been too much of a mess after his shower that morning to stop and let Cougar fix them.

When he turned to grab a paper towel, Cougar was standing there holding up a spoonful of meat. Jake smiled as Cougar lifted it to his mouth. It was delicious and in fact a bit spicy. Jake was in heaven as he chewed it. He moaned softly as his eyes closed.

“You're going to ruin me for anyone else,” Jake announced, slowly opening his eyes and blinking behind his glasses to bring everything back to focus. Cougar was smirking at him, but Jake figured that Cougar was allowed to be smug when he could cook that well. “So, are you cooking me a 'sorry you're an idiot and forgot you told me I could sleep on the couch then you gave yourself a meltdown because you came out of the shower practically naked to find your phone and I saw your scars dinner?'” Jake asked.

“The only thing in your cabinets is canned ravioli and ramen,” Cougar said as though he was offended.

“Well, I told you my kitchen privileges—”

“You can not eat that every night.”

“I don't. Sometimes Erin cooks or you buy me keep-your-mouth-shut dinner or apology dinner,” Jake retorted. Truthfully, Erin usually sent him home with enough leftovers and goodies to get him through most of the week.

Cougar shook his head as though Jake was being ridiculous.

“It's better than MREs.”

Cougar raised a skeptical eyebrow. Damn him and his expressive features. The only things Jake's features were good at expressing were shock and maybe disappointment. He'd had the most practice with those.

“Okay, it's actually not, but you get used to it,” Jake sighed.

“Come here,” Cougar told him, waving Jake over to the island that he was preparing things on.

Jake stood next to Cougar, and before he could question what Cougar had planned, Cougar was showing him how to assemble the empanadas. Then he took Jake's hands and guided him through the process, careful to correct when his taped fingers made it awkward to handle the dough.

Somehow, they didn't get tangled as they worked, and the close proximity wasn't awkward at all, even after the events of the morning. Cougar brushed past Jake to get to the stove to cook the pockets that Jake put together. Jake didn't get nervous having Cougar at his back constantly, and Cougar didn't seem to mind Jake at his either. Jake was still hyper aware of Cougar's movements, but he didn't feel threatened by their positions.

Cougar reached around Jake's waist to grab one of the empanadas, and his chest pressed against Jake's back, causing Jake to actually shuddered. Ordinarily, such a move would have had Jake on the defensive, but Cougar's body slotted against his felt incredible. It reminded him of before the incident when he would rest his head in Erin's lap when he wanted affection or gave hugs freely. It felt nice to be close to someone again without worrying they might literally stab him in the back. He wasn't sure why Cougar was the person he felt this safe with, but he didn't want the feeling to go away. He'd missed it.

When the food was cooked, Cougar set out dishes Jake had never seen before. He really only had a couple mismatched plates, but now it seemed that Cougar had procured an actual set.

“Counter or couch?” Cougar asked as he made up plates for each of them. Jake waggled his eyebrows, and Cougar rolled his eyes at him.

“Couch means we can watch _Jeopardy_ while we eat,” Jake said with a smile, and Cougar returned it, so Jake grabbed beers from the fridge and followed him to the couch.

Jake schooled Cougar at _Jeopardy_ while he ate messily. Cougar was much neater about eating, careful not to spill the rice he'd made all over the sofa. Jake had no such worries, but then Jake wasn't the one possibly sleeping on it that night.

When _Wheel of Fortune_ came on, Cougar reached for the remote, but Jake slapped his hand away. Jake complained loudly about the caliber of guest on the show for the full thirty minutes it was on, solving the puzzles with only one or two letters on the board. He got up for seconds and thirds, but he took the remote each time, not liking the way Cougar was eyeing it like he was just waiting for an opportunity to change the channel.

Cougar wandered into the kitchen to clean the dishes when the show finished, and Jake followed him to help dry them. Cougar was silent as he worked, but he'd give Jake a smile or nod as Jake told him about anything that came to mind.

“Look, I'm doing okay right now, and that's shocking the hell out of me, but please don't be offended if I don't want to be near your or something,” Jake found himself telling Cougar about halfway through the pans.

“I will understand,” Cougar promised. Jake didn't doubt that he would.

“They didn't like my constant talking, or that I was too smart for my own good.”

“Several teams thought my silence was...unsettling,” Cougar replied.

Jake couldn't fight his smile when he heard that. “What a pair, huh?” he asked, bumping his shoulder against Cougar's.

“Sí,” Cougar agreed, turning to smile at Jake. Jake gulped at how good Cougar looked when he smiled. Jake felt like the center of the universe.

“So, _The Count of Monte Cristo_ tonight?” Jake asked, afraid if he continued talking about them that he'd mess something up.

“If you would like, we could read one of yours instead,” Cougar offered. Jake wasn't sure how reading to each other had become more than a one time thing, but he found that he had an entire list of stories he wanted to read with Cougar.

“Have you ever read _American Gods_?” Jake asked him, going over to his book shelf.

“No,” Cougar replied, following him to the shelf and peering over his shoulder as Jake pulled books out to get to the second row behind them. Cougar reached over his shoulder to grab the book when it was revealed, before Jake even saw it. Damn sniper eyes. He hummed softly as he read the back cover of the novel.

“It's really good...”  
“We should read it,” Cougar told him, taking the book to the couch.

Jake smiled and followed him. “Who reads first?” Jake asked, taking a coin out of his pocket and flipping it. Cougar laughed, but he played along, choosing heads. He won and was deemed the reader. Jake grabbed a blanket from the spare room and joined Cougar on the couch, tucking himself in close, so Cougar didn't have to raise his naturally quiet voice.

Cougar started the story, and Jake listened carefully. It had been years since he'd read it himself, but what he recalled made him think Cougar would enjoy it. The cadence of Cougar's voice was soothing, and it lulled Jake's constantly racing mind. He found himself able to focus on the story without having to reread as he often did.

Less than ten pages in Cougar paused, chuckling to himself.

“What?” Jake asked, turning his head to glance up at Cougar.

“Low-Key, reminds me of you,” Cougar told him.

“Huh, maybe a little,” Jake conceded. He tugged his glasses off as Cougar started to read again, and he quickly found himself relaxing.

This time, when Jake started to doze off, Cougar stopped reading and nudged him gently.

“Huh?” Jake said sleepily.

“Where is your phone?” Cougar asked. Jake handed it over without a second thought. Cougar took it and turned Jake's alarm on before tugging Jake up off the couch. Jake stumbled toward his room as Cougar gently guided him.

He collapsed onto his bed and rolled around on the soft sheets for a moment before focusing on Cougar who was putting his phone on the nightstand.

“What do you think of the story?” Jake asked, shimmying out of his jeans under the covers.

“It's intriguing,” Cougar replied.

“Don't go reading it without me while I'm asleep. I haven't read it in a while, so I don't want to get left behind,” Jake ordered, and that earned him a fond smile.

“I'll wait until next time then,” Cougar promised him. He tapped Jake's injured hand, and Jake placed it in his. Cougar sat on the edge of he bed and gently unwrapped Jake's fingers. They barely hurt under Cougar's careful touch.

“Next time, I like that. No one but Beth and Erin ever has standing plans with me,” Jake admitted, letting his tiredness loosen his lips. Cougar rewrapped his fingers quickly, making sure the dressing wasn't too tight. Then he placed Jake's hand over his chest and smiled at him.

“You should sleep,” Cougar told him softly.

“Don't feel weird. You're my friend, Coug. It's nice to have friends.”

“It is,” Cougar agreed

“Thanks by the way, for not freaking out about them,” Jake said, knowing Cougar would understand he was talking about his body.

“Sleep unburdened, Jake,” Cougar said softly, as he shut the light and left Jake to his dreams.

Jake did just that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings:** This chapter deals with negative body image and anxiety which relates to Jensen's PTSD. Descriptions of scars.
> 
> This Chapter's Reading: [The Count of Monte Cristo](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Count_of_Monte_Cristo) by Alexandre Dumas and [American Gods](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Gods) by Neil Gaiman
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr ](http://jinxedambitions.tumblr.com/) for status updates and shorter ficlets.
> 
> Edited to add: There were three exit wounds. One came through his shoulder leaving a quarter sized pucker of scar tissue as well as spider webbing around it. Two came through his torso, and nearly killed him. They were larger. One just above his right hip, and the other just shy of center which had compromised a portion of his liver. There were also the knife wounds. One went down his ribs on his left side then slashed across his belly still angry and pink after all this time. The other was an inch and a half long scar above his left hip where he'd been stabbed, and the knife left in him, and that was only the front of his body. No, Jake needed coffee, and he needed to get as far from Cougar and thoughts of his past as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a description of Jake's scars to the previous chapter. For the time being that one paragraph is also posted in last chapter's endnote if you don't feel like rereading the whole thing looking for it.

After that, when Jake wasn't working he was either at the studio wrestling and sparring with Cougar, or Cougar was at his apartment with him cooking, reading, or just making himself at home. It was strange how they fit their lives together seamlessly in no time, but Jake didn't give it much thought.

Too much thought always led to doubt, no matter how benign the subject which led to Jake making irrational decisions, and lately that led to weird injuries. So, Jake was opting to enjoy whatever it was that he had with Cougar, and not ruin it by thinking.

Jake did often think about how different his experience in the Army could have been if he'd met Cougar there. Then one of Cougar's nightmares would wake them both during the night, and Jake was glad he'd met Cougar now. Jake didn't mind reading to Cougar until his hands stopped shaking, and his heart rate returned to normal. He didn't like to see Cougar suffer, but Jake figured that reading to him in the dead of night was how he helped, and Cougar seemed to enjoy it. Jake knew that he wouldn't be able to be nearly as calm or helpful to Cougar now if he was still struggling with his own traumas as he had been when he'd been released.

More and more often, Cougar would sit so close to Jake when he read to him that he ended up resting his head on Jake's shoulder as he finally drifted back to sleep, often hours later. Cougar insisted that Jake push him off, so Cougar didn't hurt him if he had another nightmare, but Jake tended to let him stay like that for as long as Jake could keep himself awake. He always looked so peaceful there, and Jake hated to interrupt any peaceful sleep Cougar could get.

Jake liked that he also had someone he could train with that he trusted. Jake kept in phenomenal shape, but he did everything in his apartment for the most part, other than running. He ran through the park near his apartment when it was nice out. However, it was nice to be able to go to the studio once his fingers were healed and attack Cougar out of the blue. Cougar always played along with Jake's “sneak attacks” and would spar with him until they were both covered in sweat and exhausted.

Once Jake was all healed up, Cougar let him help with his classes. Cougar used him for demonstrations, and now the mothers watched both of them with their undivided attention. Cougar even let Jake demonstrate the maneuvers on occasion, so Jake wasn't always the one getting beat up in front of their audience.

Jake's budding crush on Cougar didn't go away as they became closer, but Cougar didn't show any sort of interest. Women lined up to talk to him and offer to cook for him, but Cougar never took anyone up on it. When Jake would see Clay or Pooch around, they often commented on how this woman or that woman was asking after Cougar, but Jake never saw Cougar actually take a woman home. Well, Cougar always went home with Jensen, so that could have something to do with it, but then Cougar wasn't sleeping with Jake either. Jake wasn't sure if Cougar's teammates were screwing with him, or Cougar was actually seeing that much action. Aisha never mentioned it, but Aisha also didn't talk to Jake if at all possible.

As much as Jake realized that logically Cougar was probably close to as celibate as Jake was, Jake couldn't help get a little jealous on Sundays or Mondays—depending on availability—when Cougar gave his class for the local waitresses. Jake helped out when he was free, and honestly it was a lot of fun to get beat up by the girls. They were good students, and they listened to everything Cougar told them. They listened to Jake when he gave pointers too, soaking up every bit of advice possible.

Still, Jake saw the way some of them talked to Cougar during breaks. Jake couldn't blame them. Jake would be doing the same if he didn't know first had how unwelcoming a lot of soldiers were to anything resembling homosexuality. Cougar always gave them his complete attention, keeping things professional but still flirting back. Jake pushed the jealousy down because he didn't have a right to be, and Cougar spent so much time with Jake that if anyone should be jealous it was the girls.

Then one day as Jake was lying flat on his back after Jennifer had thrown him over her shoulder, he saw Cougar standing to the side with Becky, talking very closely. Cougar was wearing a smile that Jake knew as his fond smile. Jake frowned from where he lie.

“Come on, Jake. It's my turn to beat you up,” Mel told him, but Jake couldn't take his eyes off Cougar and Becky as she rested her hand against his bicep. “You can't tap out yet, Jake. We've still got three more girls,” Mel tried again.

“Sorry, coming,” Jake said, rolling onto his stomach. As he pushed himself up to his feet, he saw Becky program her number into Cougar's phone. He sighed and turned back to the other girls.

At the end of class, Cougar didn't say anything about Becky, and Jake didn't ask. Cougar thanked him and patted Jake on the shoulder as Jake headed home to shower. Even though nothing was mentioned, Jake wasn't the least bit surprised when Cougar didn't show up that night. It wasn't like they had plans, but they pretty much had dinner together every night if Jake wasn't expected at Erin's. Jake almost went and begged his sister to feed him when he realized that Cougar wasn't coming.

Instead, Jake heated leftovers and went to work on his computers. They got less attention with Cougar around so often, so Jake resolved to just enjoy the free night. Jake ended up eating just about everything in the fridge as he worked. It felt good to sit in front of his three monitors, but his mind kept straying to Cougar. He hadn't even mentioned that he had a date or that he wasn't going to show up, and Jake felt a little down about that. Maybe he didn't rate as high as he thought he did. Maybe he was just convenient.

By the time Jake dragged himself to bed, he had worked himself into quite a mood over Cougar bailing on him for a date. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he felt betrayed nonetheless. It had been so long since he had a real friend that he was insecure about it. It was even more frustrating because he knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn't stop himself.

The next day, he didn't stop at the studio before work to bring Cougar coffee like he did on the nights Cougar didn't stay—which were becoming less and less frequent. He didn't want to find that Cougar wasn't there and had stayed at Becky's place. It was irrational, but Jake couldn't help his fears. He hated that he had them, but if six years of therapy hadn't cured his abandonment and betrayal issues, he wasn't sure that they were ever going away.

When he brought Beth to class, he didn't go in with her. Instead, he went and grabbed dinner at the burger place. Jake talked to himself the entire time he waited for his food like he always did when he was alone. It was just strange not to have Cougar listening across from him now.

Jake did go inside to pick Beth up. Cougar had a policy that parents had to come in to collect their kids because he didn't want them going out in the lot alone. So, Jake sucked it up and went inside.

Cougar was sitting on the mat, his legs spread in a V as he spoke to one of the girls. His hair was down and spread over his shoulders, and his tank top was sweat soaked. He looked exhausted. Jake shook his head and found Beth talking to one of her friends. Her friend's mom smiled at Jake like a predator would its prey.

“Hey, Bethy, ready to go?” Jake asked, messing up Beth's hair as he stood behind her.

“Uncle Jake, this is Mandy and her mom. Can I go to Mandy's after class on Saturday?” Beth asked him.

“Oh, well that's up to your mom, Beth,” Jake told her.

“You're more than welcome to come supervise with me if you'd like,” Mandy's mom told him. Jake had a feeling they'd be the ones needing supervision if Jake went there.

“Oh um...”

“Mandy has a really cool house, Uncle Jake. They have _three_ dogs,” Beth told him.

“We'll see what your mom says,” Jake said nervously.

“Let me give you my number, just in case,” Mandy's mom told him, reaching over and running her fingers down his spine. Jake felt as though someone had dunked him in ice water. Jake was a tactile person, but when he was the one being touched, it needed to be by someone he trusted or completely telegraphed. People touching his back set him on alert, and he could immediately feel himself start to sweat.

“Lana, Mandy has been showing great progress these last two weeks,” Cougar said, stepping right between Jake and Lana. Jake breathed a sigh of relief that Lana couldn't reach him around Cougar. Cougar's shoulder brushed Jake's, and Jake knew Cougar had seen and was purposely running interference.

“Did you hear that mom?” Mandy asked.

“I did. That's wonderful,” she said, momentarily distracted by her pride in her daughter. She did look genuinely pleased by Cougar's praise, and Jake chose to use that to his advantage.

“We need to get going,” Jake interrupted. “See you all on Saturday.” Jake wasn't about to waste Cougar's effort.

“Oh, but you didn't get my number,” Lana told him.

“I'll get it Saturday,” Jake said, practically dragging Beth from the studio. He could feel multiple sets of eyes on his back as he hurried out the door. He didn't care. He just needed to get away.

“You're being weird, Uncle Jake,” Beth told him as they drove home.

“What? No I'm not. Well, I'm always weird, so that statement makes no sense,” Jake told her.

“Is it because you like Mr. Cougar and want to kiss him?” Beth asked, steamrolling right over his protests.

“What?” Jake came very close to riding onto the curb.

“You do, don't you?”

“What makes you think that?” Jake asked her.

Beth shrugged, and Jake couldn't help but see Cougar's influence in it. “You're always happy around him, and you let him touch you. You never let anyone but me touch you. You always talk about him. That means you like him right?” Beth reflected. Jake really wasn't sure when Beth had noticed that cooties weren't a thing, but he was not a fan of her sudden interest in liking, or at least he wasn't prepared to be the focus of her inquiries about it.

“Um...”

“Mom said you like boys, and that it's okay. So, do you like Mr. Cougar?”

“Your mom told you I was gay?” he asked, completely taken aback. Of all the things he and Erin discussed, his sexuality had never been one of them. Part of that had been that he was a soldier in the time of DADT, but even since Jake tended to keep his love life private. He wasn't exactly shocked that Erin had figured he liked men, it just wasn't something they actually said aloud.

“No, she said that sometimes you liked boys, and that was okay because you should be happy no matter who it's with,” Beth explained. “So, since Mr. Cougar makes you happy, are you going to marry him?” Man, his sister was more observant than he gave her credit for.

“It's not really that simple, Bethy, though I applaud your logic,” Jake told her, pulling into Erin's driveway.

“Why isn't it simple?” she asked, all wide innocent eyes, though there was a cunning wolf under that disguise. Jake was certain of it. No doubt, Erin hadn't just volunteered Jake's sexuality one day. Beth was on a mission, and she had outsmarted them both.

“Well, just because sometimes I like boys doesn't mean that Cougar does, and even if he does, which we don't know, doesn't mean he likes me like that,” Jake explained, tugging her pigtail gently.

“But Mr. Cougar smiles more since you became friends, and he isn't sad all the time,” she insisted. “He's got to like you back.”

She sounded so upset that it broke his heart. “Hey, sweetpea, it's okay if he doesn't. He's my friend, and that's pretty awesome. He reads me bedtime stories and everything, so even if he doesn't like me like that, he's still a great friend, okay?”

“Okay,” Beth agreed, swiping at a stray tear on her cheek.

“That's my girl. Let's go ask your mom if you can play with Mandy on Saturday,” he suggested, and Beth agreed.

\---

Cougar was standing in the kitchen looking frustrated when Jake got back to his apartment. Though he also looked about ready to fall over. Jake assumed he hadn't gotten much sleep after his date with Becky.

“You ate everything,” Cougar said accusingly as Jake walked into the room.

“I was hungry,” Jake said, shrugging.

“There was enough food for a week in there,” Cougar told him, sounding annoyed.

“What's up your ass?” Jake asked, taking a beer out of the fridge and going to walk into the living room. Cougar blocked his escape. For a guy who didn't look like he'd slept in days, he was quite menacing.

“I cooked for three days straight. I wanted to be able to eat some of it,” Cougar told him. Okay, he did have a point there, but Jake was grumpy and refused to be wrong. He also hadn't even thought about it as he ate the night before, and he felt like a bit of an ass which tended to make him act like a bigger one.

“Then don't leave it in other people's refrigerators,” Jake said.

“It wasn't your food.”

“It wasn't your kitchen or apartment, but that hasn't stopped you from using it. Seriously, what crawled up your ass? I was hungry, so I ate what was there. Maybe if you'd been here, you could have told me it was off limits. Next time I won't eat _your_ food even though it's taking up _my_ entire fridge,” Jake ranted. Jake had a vague sense that he was being completely ridiculous since he always extended the invitation to Cougar.

Cougar looked livid as he continued to block Jake's path, Jake went to push him aside, but Cougar's hand shot out and grabbed him. Jake reacted on instinct and used his body to push Cougar against the kitchen island.

“Don't touch me,” Jake growled.

“You didn't have a problem with my touch when I was blocking Lana,” Cougar spat, shoving Jake back.

“Well sorry if I don't like people touching me all over the way you do.”

“What are you talking about?” Cougar asked, sounding completely baffled.

“Don't play dumb. You've always got girls hanging off you at class. Hell, you took Becky out for a good time last night after she practically groped you in the studio,” Jake accused. Jake was definitely showing his hand, but he was too mad to be smart about his arguing. Jake's specialty was retribution in the form of credit destruction or awkward gifts mailed to individuals in the person's name. In outright arguments, Jake tended to get ahead of himself as demonstrated by ever argument he'd had with Cougar.

“I didn't take her out. I haven't spoken to her since class.” Cougar still sounded confused, and that just made it worse.

“Yeah right, then why didn't you come over last night?” Jake asked, crossing his arms. He definitely shouldn't have said that. He knew he sounded like a jealous lover.

“It isn't your business.”

“I'm your friend. You don't show up last night, then suddenly you're prickly as hell today. It's my damn business.”

“No it isn't,” Cougar told him, standing firm with his arms crossed and his hat covering his eyes. All Jake could see was the grim line of him lips.

“Bullshit. You don't get to act like my best friend the suddenly block me the hell out. It's fucking exhausting dealing with your moods,” Jake shouted at him.

“I'll go then,” Cougar told him, turning to leave. Jake didn't want that at all. Suddenly realizing he was the one pushing Cougar away, all of his will to argue crumbled.

This time Jake grabbed him and pulled him close. “Wait, Coug. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just... What's got you so mad at me? You usually deal with my stupidity remarkably well.” Jake asked, crowding him against the island again, but this time less viciously.

“Nothing. Bad night,” Cougar told him, resting his hands on Jake's hips like it was the most natural thing in the world. As though, they hadn't been arguing moments before.

“You okay? Was it nightmares? You could've called. I was up late programming. I wouldn't have minded,” Jake said, worried about Cougar now.

“Just business. It is nothing I want to trouble you with,” Cougar told him. “Read?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

“But you're hungry. Let me make you something. I've been picking up your tricks. I promise it will even be edible,” Jake joked, and Cougar gave him a small smile.

Jake pushed him onto a stool and rooted around for ingredients to throw together. Cougar ended up walking Jake through all of the steps, but the final product was in fact edible, and Jake was damn proud of it.

Cougar ate the food silently as Jake read to him. Things were a little wobbly. They didn't sit as close as usual, and when Jake started to nod off, Cougar told him he was leaving. Jake tried to get him to stay since Cougar looked equally tired, but Cougar left anyway.

Jake sat up for hours trying to figure out what had happened, what had gone wrong, and what he could do to fix it.

\---

The next day, Jake was tired and actually clumsy—instead of his usual boneheaded lack of self preservation—when he walked into the studio after work. He wasn't sure that Cougar wanted to see him, but Cougar had sat with him last night, so Jake assumed he was over being mad. Jake still wasn't even sure that Cougar had been mad at him and not just mad at everything.

Cougar was sitting on the mats reading one of his library books. His hair was down, and it fanned out and fell over his shoulders, hiding his face and the book from view.

“So, you ready to beat me up? Get some of that anger out?” Jake asked, trying to hide his nervousness behind humor. “Erin tells me that beating me up was very cathartic growing up.”

Cougar looked up from his book and smiled at Jake. Definitely not mad. That was not an angry Cougar smile. That was a relief.

“What you reading?” Jake asked, toeing his shoes off, so he wouldn't have a repeat of the ankle incident. Erin was still giving him shit about it, so it was best to avoid an encore performance.

“Come find out,” Cougar told him, challenging Jake.

“That's how it's gonna be?” Jake was a little surprised that Cougar was already back to being playful.

Cougar nodded, smirking at Jake.

“Bastard,” Jake groaned as he dove at Cougar, unable to resist a challenge. Cougar went with the attack, rolling back so Jake could sit on top of him, but Cougar held the book out of reach. Jake tried to crawl up Cougar's body to get to the book, but Cougar rolled them so he was on top of Jake. He tossed the book down the mat and reached for Jake's arms.

“Don't think that throwing it away is going to help you. I'm gonna win,” Jake told him, but Cougar just scoffed.

Jake threw him off, and they grappled down the mat as Jake tried to get to the book. He actually got about five feet crawling on his belly with Cougar on his back trying to slow him down. Then Cougar rolled him onto his back, using brute force.

“You just wanted an excuse to get me on my back,” Jake said lewdly, wiggling his eyebrows.

“It is much easier to tickle you into submission this way,” Cougar told him, running his fingers along Jake's ribs. Jake laughed, writhing beneath Cougar, trying to dislodge his evil fingers.

Cougar's hair fell over Jake's face and neck as Cougar used his weight to try to press Jake to the mat until he gave up. Jake wiggled trying to get some leverage to throw Cougar and get the last few feet to the book, and far away from Cougar's tickles.

The scent of Cougar's hair filled Jake's nose as his spastic movements pressed them against each other. He smelled musky from hours of working out with different groups, but it was intoxicating. Then there was the feeling of Cougar's chest pressed against his own, trying to keep him still. Cougar was only wearing a tank top and sweatpants, and Jake gripped his biceps in his attempts to free himself. Jake bit his lip as their groins rubbed against each other. Jake was not prepared for this when he'd cracked that joke.

Jake felt himself growing hard even though he'd been in this position with Cougar countless times before and never had a problem controlling his body. Jake finally found the leverage to buck Cougar off of him, and he immediately rolled onto his stomach protecting himself from Cougar's sharp eyes, and protecting his belly from another assault. He forgot to crawl for the book, and when Cougar went to grab him from behind to get him back on his back, Jake curled into a ball.

“Don't touch me,” he asked.

Cougar let go of him immediately and sat back on his heels. “What's wrong?” Cougar asked, and Jake peeked over his shoulder to see Cougar looking concerned. “Are you hurt?”

“No, just don't want to be touched right now,” Jake told him as he got his body back under control. He felt exhausted, and they hadn't even been sparring for ten minutes. Jake was too tired to think that with the amount of friction they'd created, his body's response had been completely natural.

Cougar didn't ask more questions. He went to his bag and grabbed a bottle of water, offering it to Jake but keeping his distance. Cougar was very good with giving space when Jake needed it. It wasn't the first time that Jake had suddenly needed space. Jake felt a little bad that Cougar probably thought he'd triggered Jake in some way when the only thing he'd triggered was Jake's libido.

“Breathe,” Cougar reminded him. Cougar had a habit of always reminding Jake to breathe which Jake understood because sometimes he neglected breath in favor of talking. It was something that Jake accepted from Cougar because he knew Cougar said it from his own experiences—even if he'd never admitted as much—and it wasn't just a throwaway statement he'd heard while watching daytime talk shows or something. Jake could admit that more often than not he needed the reminder no matter who said it. He just didn't have to like it.

“I'm fine, just need a minute,” Jake promised him, but Cougar came around to get a good look at him. Cougar's hair was a mess, but it looked good on him like that. It made him look as dangerous and wild as he was.

“You're tired. You didn't sleep well. Go home and clear your head. I will come check on you tonight if you're not against it,” Cougar told him.

“Yeah, that's fine. I'll try to get some sleep,” Jake mumbled, reaching out purposely to let Cougar help him up. Cougar held out his hand, but he let Jake initiate the contact before he pulled Jake to his feet. “Sorry this was a pretty lame workout,” Jake apologized, running his fingers through his own unruly hair.

Cougar shook his head and waved off Jake's concern. Cougar pressed another water bottle into Jake's hand as he walked him to his car. Jake was a grown man. He didn't need Cougar to make sure he got to his car safely like one of his students, but Jake wasn't going to be the one to tell that to Cougar.

Jake waved to Cougar as he pulled out of his spot. Cougar just tipped his hat before heading back into the studio. Jake palmed himself as soon as he got to the stop sign at the end of the street, afraid Cougar's super sniper eye sight would notice it if he did it any sooner. Jake groaned at himself. This was ridiculous. Sure, he had a crush on Cougar, but it had never gotten in the way before. Jake always had impeccable control over his body, just not today...and yesterday. His little display of jealous had definitely be a bit much.

Jake rubbed his eyes as his body settled down some more. He planned to go home and rest until Cougar showed up. Cougar had an evening class, so it wouldn't be right away. Maybe by then, Jake would have himself sorted out.

However, as soon as Jake got into his apartment, his computers called to him, and he let himself get sidetracked.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week was rough, and I wasn't sure I was going to get through editing and posting this chapter, but I did. I managed to forget my work badge and my coffee within two minutes of each other this morning and had to walk back for each of them separately, so I'm very sorry if there are some mistakes this week. I'm not sure where my mind is.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I enjoyed writing it, and I even with my brain needing a vacation, I still had fun editing it.

Jake worked at his computers for what turned into hours. He didn't realize that Cougar had slipped in through the window to from fire escape until Cougar placed a glass of water on the table beside him and told him not to spill it and not to forget to drink it. Jake didn't even flinch at Cougar's unexpected appearance.

Every once in a while, Jake looked up from his work to peer across the apartment where Cougar was in the kitchen, cooking something that smelled delicious. He was tempted to investigate, but he was in the middle of something and settled for furtive glances instead.

Cougar looked really good in the tight tank top he wore for classes. Even from this distance Jake could appreciate the way the material clung to his body. Jake wasn't even surprised at his body's reaction on when pinned under Cougar. Jake tried to make himself focus, but Cougar could be a little distracting.

Jake noticed Cougar slip into his bedroom with a towel and clothes. He heard the water running in the shower as he got back to work. When Cougar came back out, he was wearing a loose t-shirt and torn jeans. His feet were bare, and his hair hung like wet ropes beneath his hat. He looked comfortable, and Jake grinned at him. Cougar tipped his hat at Jake in acknowledgment.

Cougar didn't say anything to Jake as he placed a plate of food beside him. Jake barely looked up from the line of code he was editing, but he smiled even if he didn't make eye contact with Cougar.

When Jake got up to piss, he noticed that Cougar was curled up on the sofa, reading the book from that afternoon. As he came back, Jake wandered over, trying not to look suspicious. Just as Jake was getting close, Cougar shut the book and rested his palm over the cover.

Jake narrowed his eyes. “You're being sneaky.”

Cougar raised an accusatory eyebrow at him. He knew Jake well. Jake huffed, trying to look like he had no idea what Cougar was talking about, but Cougar's raised eyebrow told him how much he believed him.

“So maybe I was being sneaky too. That doesn't mean you aren't also being a sneak, you sneaking sneaker.”

Cougar snorted and moved the book completely out of view.

“Fine, I'll go back to my computers. At least, they tell me their secrets,” Jake announced, turning to go back to his desk. Cougar opened his book again, and Jake waited a couple seconds before dashing back to get a look.

Cougar was too fast and tapped Jake on the head with the book as Jake nearly dove into his lap—his feet kicking the air as his torso straddled the back of the couch. Jake grumbled as he got up again and went back to his computer. He tried not to think about how good Cougar looked—all comfortable on his sofa—but it was a pleasant image and it warmed Jake from the inside.

Jake didn't even realize he was starting to nod off until Cougar gently ran his fingers through Jake's hair. “Huh?” Jake asked, feeling drool dried around his mouth. His glasses were askew and digging into the right side of his face.

“Phone?” Cougar asked, and Jake dug out his cellphone and handed it over. Cougar played with it for a moment before pocketing it and motioning for Jake to get up. Jake was about to protest, but Cougar reached over and turned off his monitor. “It will be there tomorrow,” he promised, reaching over to fix Jake's glasses before helping him up.

Jake stumbled around when he got to his room, trying to find a pair of pajamas and finally giving up and stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt. He jumped onto the bed and burrowed under the covers. Cougar came in a minute later and walked around to Jake's bedside table. He placed Jake's phone on the nightstand, showing Jake the alarm was set. This was becoming a habit.

“Thanks, Coug. Sorry I was out of it today. I meant to rest, but then I started programming, and well I used to forget what day it was if someone didn't stop me,” Jake told him, covering his mouth to yawn. “Dinner was awesome as always. Sorry, I should've stopped and eaten with you at least. That was rude of me.”

“It's fine.” Cougar brushed it off, reaching for the lamp to shut the light and leave.

“And, I'm still really sorry about—”

“Jake, I am not upset,” Cougar told him, sounding mildly amused. He pulled his hand back from the lamp and waited for Jake to speak.

“Okay, but I'd totally understand if you were, and I'd make it up to you. Not with food because without your guidance I'm still a bit iffy, but maybe with milkshakes or prostitutes,” Jake told him, reaching out to grab Cougar's wrist, so he couldn't escape. “I really like it when you come over and hang out, and I don't want you to get the wrong idea if I totally flake and get sucked into something on my computer. I just don't want you to feel unwelcome, like ever. I know how that feels, and it's not something I want you to feel because you are welcome. You're always welcome here even if I'm feeling crabby...” Jake trailed off before he could really get going on a tangent about crabs getting a bad rap.

“I understand, and no need milkshakes or prostitutes,” Cougar told him softly, peeling Jake's fingers from his wrist. Cougar squeezed his fingers before placing them on the covers over Jake's stomach.

“Do you ever miss it? The Army?” Jake found himself asking after several silent moments. He wasn't sure if he was stalling so Cougar wouldn't leave, or if his brain had short circuited so he was opening up his own old wounds.

“No,” Cougar said without hesitation. Jake couldn't see his eyes behind the brim of the hat, but Cougar's tone left no room for doubt.

“Because you're not a robot?” Jake asked remembering Cougar comparing himself and his job to Asimov's stories.

“No. I was not fighting for the things I thought I was. Now, I can fight for myself, and I don't have the devil on my shoulder, whispering poison in my ear,” Cougar told him.

“Yeah, I get that. I miss it sometimes which sucks because they didn't like me, and I was written up for mouthing off and insubordination more than once, but I felt like I belonged somewhere. It was so cool after growing up as a bit of an outcast. Then they shot me in the back and if that isn't a big neon sign saying you don't belong, I don't know what is,” Jake muttered.

“You belong here,” Cougar told him, leaning over Jake to look him in the eye without the impediment of the hat. His warm brown eyes were fierce in the lamplight, and Jake's breath hitched a little. Jake nodded, but Cougar didn't pull back right away. He held Jake's stare until Jake bit his lip and averted his eyes.

“Thanks Cougar,” Jake whispered.

Cougar didn't say anything , but he finally reached over to turn out the light. The darkness did little to break the weight of Cougar's declaration.

“You gonna stay?” Jake asked, hoping Cougar would take the spare room instead of heading back to the studio.

“Do you want me to stay?” Cougar asked, already by the doorway.

“Will I come off as needy if I say yes?” Jake asked. He smiled innocently, not that Cougar could see it in the dark, or maybe he could. Nothing ever seemed to get past him.

“I will be on the couch if you can't sleep,” Cougar told him, shutting the door behind himself.

Jake laid there on his back, staring up at the ceiling while trying to get his thoughts in order, but only succeeding in getting more tangled in his feelings for Cougar. Like a fly in a web, the harder he tried to free himself the worse it seemed to become.

After this afternoon's surprise boner, Jake couldn't really deny that he wanted to do dirty things to and with Cougar. Jake was almost embarrassed by how much he wanted Cougar, considering getting laid hadn't been top priority in a while. Though he did take pleasure in trying to take people home, he hadn't been terribly disappointed in going home solo, until Cougar showed up.

The problem was that it wasn't just about getting down and dirty with Cougar. Jake would have propositioned him weeks ago if he'd just been looking for a mind blowing sexual awakening. Jake refused to believe that sex with Cougar would be anything less than an epiphany.

Beth had been right. Cougar did make Jake happy. He didn't talk a whole lot, but he made Jake laugh even without words. He read Jake's favorite books, and he didn't just read them, but he quietly gave Jake his opinions even if they were radically different than Jake's own. He wasn't afraid to give the wrong answer, and Jake loved when Cougar disagreed. They'd spent days arguing over  _The Count of Monte Cristo_ when they'd finally gotten around to it. Jake had cherished every time Cougar had rolled his eyes and called Jake a stubborn mule in Spanish. Jake had had to look it up when Cougar refused to translate it.

Then there was the cooking. It clearly meant a lot to Cougar to have somewhere he was able to prepare a meal. Whenever Jake was up for it, Cougar took the time to teach him how to prepare whatever was on the menu himself. Jake didn't know the significance, but he knew it was there, and he valued every time they cooked together. Not to mention, Jake had never eaten so well as he did now that Cougar was around. Erin was good, but Cougar was off the charts.

Cougar trusted Jake enough to sleep at his apartment even though he woke to nightmares half of the time. He'd even swallow his pride and let Jake make him coffee or hot cocoa before they'd stay up reading until Cougar calmed down. Jake knew just how terrifying it was to let people see him at his weakest, and Cougar put that faith in him every night he stayed.

Cougar was also the first person in a long while who could touch Jake without Jake wanting to crawl out of his skin and take cover. Jake recognized him as safe. That had been a constant struggle after returning home because Jake didn't see anyone as safe anymore. Cougar never took touch for granted either, and if Jake balked Cougar gave him space while still assuring him that he was there, and Jake was safe.

Jake couldn't even say it was a bunch of little things that added up because everything felt so huge with Cougar. Jake had no doubt that if he walked out into the living room right then and professed his undying love for Cougar that Cougar would accept it whether he returned the feelings or not. Jake didn't for a second believe Cougar would throw it in his face.

Jake was just terrified that even if Cougar didn't reject him, things would change. Maybe the sparring would be different, or Cougar wouldn't show him how to cook like he did before. Maybe he'd stop sleeping on the couch and go back to leaving late at night. There were a thousand ways Cougar could reject him subtly, but Jake wasn't sure he could handle any of them, because he'd come to love the whole package. Cougar was his best friend no matter Jake's attraction.

Jake threw his covers off and scrambled out of bed, grabbing his favorite blanket as he went. If he laid there any longer with his thoughts, he was going to go crazy. Crazier if you asked his sister.

Cougar was lying on the couch, feet bare as he read his book. Jake still didn't know what it was. Cougar didn't say anything as he lifted his feet for Jake to join him on the sofa. Jake wrapped his blanket around himself and settled in, smiling when Cougar's legs fell over his lap.

“You finally going to tell me what you're reading?” Jake asked, his mind already calming, which made no sense to him since he was that much closer to the person leading to all of his confusion.

Cougar lifted the book, so Jake could see the cover.

“ _Persuasion_ ? You were totally embarrassed! That's why you wouldn't tell me,” Jake accused him, playfully shaking Cougar's leg. Cougar rolled his eyes. “Which one is  _Persuasion_ again? I know the matchmaking one is  _Emma_ . I used to tease Erin about her middle name being Emma.”

“It is about a woman who turned down a proposal from the man she loved because a person whose opinion she valued did not believe it was a smart match. Years later, they meet again under different circumstances. Both still love each other but are uncertain of the other's affections,” Cougar told him, thumbing at the corner of the book.

“That sounds depressing not romantic,” Jake told him, shifting a little to get more comfortable. “Read me some,” he ordered just the same. He would've offered to read, but he'd forgotten his glasses in his room.

Cougar laughed quietly before opening the book again and picking up where he'd left off. Jake listened, and he could admit that he enjoyed the story. Jake enjoyed most stories when Cougar read them. It wasn't the sort of thing he'd pick for himself, but there was a serenity to the way Cougar's accent wrapped around the older language.

“Jensen, you are making the holes bigger,” Cougar commented, pausing his story after about fifteen minutes. Jake looked down to see he'd been worrying frayed fabric around the hole in the knee of Cougar's jeans. Jake blushed as he looked up at Cougar. Before he could apologize, Cougar spoke. “You are antsy.”

“I'm always antsy.”

“Not when I read,” Cougar told him, sounding certain.

“Um...just a lot on my mind,” Jake admitted, praying that Cougar wouldn't question him further.

Cougar nodded though he didn't look pleased about it. He opened the book and started again. Five minutes later, he paused to grab Jake's fingers which had started to trace the inside of his knee, much to Jake's own surprise.

It wasn't that he hadn't touched Cougar just about everywhere as they sparred, but there was a time and a place, and this was definitely bordering on very intimate touching. Touching reserved for lovers, which they weren't, but which his mind certainly had other ideas about. Jake wished the floor would swallow him up. He'd never had this much trouble telling someone he was interested in them before.

Cougar raised an eyebrow as he held Jake's index and middle fingers tightly in his fist. Not tight enough to hurt, but enough that Jake knew he was not escaping. Jake tried to look innocent, but he was almost certain he either failed or Cougar was impervious.

Cougar looked serious as he leaned forward toward Jake. Jake gulped and continued to smile falsely. “I think the holes look good,” Jake commented, and it earned him a snort from Cougar.

Cougar was so close to him—practically sitting in his lap with his legs still on Jake—that Jake could feel the exhale on his cheek. He fought to keep from shivering violently as Cougar crowded in close. He did this when he wanted Jake's full attention if Jake was getting distracted. Cougar loosened his grip on Jake's fingers until he was just cradling Jake's hand in his own.

Jake looked up into Cougar's eyes, and all thoughts ceased. He swore that Cougar was staring right into his soul. Cougar's lips parted through he didn't say anything right away. Was Cougar going to kiss him? Jake felt his whole body come to attention, watching Cougar's lips. Maybe this was it. Maybe Cougar would make the first move for him. Jake held his breath as he waited for the inevitable moment.

“Will cocoa help?” Cougar asked quietly. His eyes were so sincere, and Jake couldn't help but laugh so hard he snorted.

“Oh, man. I thought you were gonna say something deep or important, but you asked if I wanted cocoa, and that's  _so_ much better. Cocoa  _always_ helps, Cougs,” Jake said, still smiling because Cougar's weird sense of humor always brightened his mood. He leaned forward and rested his head on Cougar's shoulder, the tension bleeding out of him. Once again, Cougar knew just what he needed.

Cougar shrugged a couple times, bouncing Jake's head until he lifted it again. Cougar got off the sofa without another word, but Jake knew there was a silent order to follow him. Jake dutifully followed Cougar into the kitchen and sat on the stool Cougar pointed him to—as though it was Cougar's kitchen instead of Jake's. Jake supposed it sort of was since Jake never actually used it himself the way Cougar did.

Cougar took out the ingredients and slowly heated the milk on the stove before adding the cocoa and stirring. He added spices that Jake didn't usually add because Cougar, unlike Jake, purchased seasonings. Jake had had a long argument with him over whether salt counted as a spice, and for once in his life he admitted defeat after Cougar cooked a meal with a variety of spices in it and no salt. Never before had defeat tasted so delicious.

Jake smiled when Cougar placed his favorite mug in front of him. Cougar took the stool beside him and sipped his own cocoa.

“Spicy,” Jake said as he tasted the cinnamon and cayenne in it. “What don't you put peppers in?” Jake asked, taking another sip because it was so tasty.

Cougar smirked at him instead of answering.

“Seriously, how did you become a god of the kitchen?” Jake asked, trying to lick at the dribble of cocoa that made its way into his goatee. Cougar snorted at the embarrassing display, but he didn't try to stop Jensen.

Cougar seemed to think about his answer as he ran his finger along the rim of his mug then brought it to his mouth. Jake was coming to recognize it as a natural reaction Cougar had when he had a cup in front of him. It seemed like when Jake got a question answered about Cougar, several more sprang up in its place.

“Mi abuela. My father's mother taught me as a child. She said that food is the foundation of any good relationship,” Cougar told him quietly.

“I like the way your grandma thinks,” Jake said, smiling at Cougar.

“You would have liked her. She had a mischievous spirit,” Cougar said, taking a sip of his cocoa.

“Sorry.” Jake ducked his head, feeling bad for bringing it up.

“Don't be. We lose the dead if we refuse to talk about them. When she died, our whole family cooked for days. I have never been so full in my life,” Cougar said, smiling at the memory though his eyes didn't meet Jake's.

“So, food was very important to her, and she passed that on to you?” Jake asked, forgetting about his drink because he was interested in Cougar's history.

“Sí, she would tell me when I was a small boy that I needed to learn to cook because one day my wife's feet would hurt and her back would ache from the weight of our child, and it was my job to cook for her and remind her that she does not bear the weight of our family alone. She said I must be able to cook for friends who have suffered because they would need their strength. And she told me as I grew older and she grew frailer that I must learn to cook to entice lovers for a meal made with love is the best foreplay,” Cougar said, finishing with a smirk.

“Your grandma was a saucy lady,” Jake said, laughing as Cougar nodded in agreement.

“Can I ask you a question, Coug?” Jake asked after some time, thinking over Cougar's memories of his grandmother.

Cougar nodded, sipping away at his drink.

“The ladies love you. Like, I saw Agnes, my boss, checkin' you out. It's a proven fact that the ladies love the Cougs. And your team always talks about you and this one or that one. I just...man this is way more awkward that I was hoping it'd be...” Jake took a breath and looked up at Cougar who looked thoroughly amused but unwilling to put Jake out of his misery. “Fine, when are you getting all this action? You're here almost every night, and I'm pretty sure you aren't sneaking girls in here between chapters of Jane Austen and Asimov,” Jake blurted. “And as far as I know, you're only cooking for me, so it's not like you're doing the whole grandma's perfect recipe for foreplay.”

Cougar chuckled. “It happens when it happens. Not always at night or in a bed,” Cougar told him with his patented eyebrow waggle. Jake hated those eyebrows sometimes, always taunting Jake.

“So, you slept with Becky?” Jake asked, failing to keep a tight lid on his jealousy, though he prayed that Cougar didn't realize that.

Cougar smiled, and Jake could feel his ears heating. “I do not sleep with students,” Cougar said after a drawn out pause. Jake could have punched him.

“Really?”

“Sí. No students or their mothers,” Cougar added, knowing Jake's next question instinctively.

“So, who _do_ you sleep with?” Jake asked, sounding completely perplexed. “Okay, okay. That was an invasive question,” Jake admitted, holding his hands up in surrender when Cougar gave him a pointed look.

“It is not as frequent as the others would lead you to believe. At one time it was more so, but...” Cougar shrugged and got up to wash out his mug. “Sometimes it is hard feel amorous when you have seen what we've seen.”

Jake watched his back as he cleaned the mug thoroughly then the pan he'd made it in. Cougar looked relaxed. At ease, even though Jake was being nosy, and he'd bared an intimate fact about himself. The atmosphere loosened Jake's tongue.

“When was the last time you got laid?” he asked, knowing immediately that it was probably the rudest follow up to Cougar's revelation he could've come up with. Cougar had just admitted his experiences had dampened his sex drive, and now Jake was asking for details. Jake was a bit embarrassed by his own behavior, but it was out there, no taking it back now.

Cougar didn't tense as he stood at the sink. He turned the water off before answering, and he turned slowly, piercing Jake with one of his intense stares.

That look had Jake's mouth going before he was even aware he was talking, trying to dig himself out of his hole, and also because he didn't want to hut Cougar with his careless words. “It's been almost a year for me, and that wasn't even the whole shebang. It was kind of a hurried BJ behind a bar, so don't feel bad if it's been a while. I mean, I know what you're saying about the whole not feeling it thing, and I also... I haven't gotten naked for sex in years because of this whole situation,” he said, gesturing to his body, “but maybe that's too much information. Anyway, what I'm saying is...”

“Eight weeks ago,” Cougar told him without breaking eye contact.

“Okay, now I'm definitely embarrassed that I admitted it's been a year since I even got a BJ.”

Jake, being the person he was, did the mental math to figure out that that was just before Jake barged into his class that day and demanded to fight him. Jake told himself that it meant nothing, and Cougar was fucking with him like he did with the scissors and his bandage. However, Cougar's eyes didn't lose any of their intensity as he returned to sit next to Jake.

“Should I take that as I'm a massive cock block?” Jake asked, trying to joke to lighten the mood.

“You may take it however you like,” Cougar said, smirking at Jake. The man clearly got pleasure out of watching Jake squirm. Jake decided he should reevaluate his feelings for the man, but he knew he wouldn't bother. Cougar had revealed just as much tonight as Jake had. It wasn't like Jake was the only one putting himself out there for judgment.

“I'm being super awkward aren't I? I should go to bed before I stick my foot in my mouth. I've done it before. Like my actual foot in my mouth. Erin screamed. She didn't appreciate my feat of flexibility. Feat, get it?” Jake asked.

Cougar wore that fond smile of his as he reached across the table and hit Jake upside the head.

“I probably deserve that,” Jake agreed.

“Finish your cocoa,” Cougar told him.

“Coug?” Jake asked, and Cougar responded with an eye roll. No one ever accused Jake of being good at following directions. Cougar should've known this by now. “I don't want you to feel obligated to hang out with me. If you have dates you want to go on or women to cook for and sleep with or well anything; I don't want you to feel like you've got to come here instead because I'm a lonely nerd who has no friends,” Jake told him, tugging at his goatee. “I meant what I said before about you always being welcome, but I don't want you to feel like you have to show up.”

Cougar shook his head. “I come here because I want to, not because you are an obligation,” he said, pushing Jake's cocoa closer to him.

“I get it, drink my cocoa,” Jake said for him. “Thanks, Cougar. I'd choose you too.” Jake smiled up at Cougar, his cocoa clinging to his goatee once again. Cougar returned the smile, shaking his head fondly.

Jake made a show of sipping his hot cocoa and making all the correct appreciative noises as he swallowed. Cougar gave him a smirk before taking the mug and cleaning it as well. Jake let his head rest on the counter top as he let the sound of running water clear his mind. It didn't work very well, but he was exhausted, and he had a headache from squinting at his monitor all day or maybe from all of the thoughts cramping his skull.

Jake almost jumped when Cougar placed a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles into his tense muscles. Cougar's face was right next to his when he lifted his head blearily. “I wasn't sleeping,” Jake said, not that Cougar would've minded if he was.

Instead of answering, Cougar pressed a soft kiss to his lips. It was over in a moment, but Jake's mouth fell open as he pulled back, though still well within Jake's space.

“Your brain is very loud even when your lips aren't moving,” Cougar told him, still rubbing his back soothingly.

“I was way over thinking that whole exchange wasn't I?” Jake asked, laughing a little to himself. “Does this mean that I embarrassed myself for the last half hour when I could've just kissed you and been done with it?”

Cougar nodded, but he didn't pull away. He leaned in for another quick kiss. “Is your mind less burdened?” Cougar asked him, playing with the short hair at the base of Jake's skull.

“Yeah, I'm feeling light as a feather right now,” Jake said, giving him a dazed grin.

“Good. Go to bed. You are exhausted,” Cougar told him.

Jensen pouted, the serious kind of pout where his lip jutted out. Cougar shook his head, unimpressed. “You are a trickster and a sneak. This is a cruel joke. I demand more kisses if I'm being sent to bed,” Jake insisted, trying to sound outraged, but failing completely.

Cougar raised an eyebrow and took a step away from him. He crooked a finger for Jake to come to him. Jake narrowed his eyes, but he rose from the stool to follow. Cougar stayed just out of Jake's reach until they entered Jake's bedroom.

“I like the way you think, Cougs,” Jake told him, grinning.

“You need to go to sleep,” Cougar said, looking completely serious.

“But you can't drop a bombshell like that and run away. There's kissing to be done. Maybe some heavy petting,” Jake wheedled. “Light petting?” he tried when Cougar raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Just stay with me until I fall asleep?” Jake asked, getting onto his bed.

Cougar rolled his eyes, but he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Nope, you've got to come closer. How am I supposed to kiss you if you're all the way over there?”

“You aren't. You are supposed to go to sleep,” Cougar retorted.

“How am I supposed to go to sleep without a goodnight kiss?” Jake bargained.

Cougar smiled at him and laid down beside him. Jake was expecting some kind of cruel trick, but Cougar waved him over. Jake scooted closer to him on the bed, and Cougar kissed him. It was slow and passionate this time. His soft lips coaxed Jake to open to him as he snaked his arm around Jake to hold him close. The scratch of his mustache tickled Jake's lips, but he liked it, especially when Cougar nipped at those sensitive lips.

Jake wasn't one to be outdone, so he pushed his weight into Cougar as he enthusiastically returned the kiss. He rolled Cougar onto his back and rested his weight over him. Cougar didn't fight the move as he continued to dominate their kiss, changing it up constantly to keep Jake's full attention. Jake was in heaven.

Jake gasped when Cougar finally pulled back. Jensen was lying on Cougar's chest, but Cougar didn't seem to mind the extra weight. Cougar smiled up at him as Jake panted softly. He hadn't been kissed like that in ages if ever.

“You're not going to spend the night with me are you?” Jake asked, already knowing the answer.

“No,” Cougar said, shaking his head slightly. Jake understood it. He knew that Cougar couldn't rest easily if he thought he might lash out at his bed partner. Jake didn't have to like the circumstances just because he understood them.

“One day maybe? Or are you strictly a separate beds kind of guy?” Jake asked, not trying to push Cougar but wanting to know because his mind was already imagining the possibilities.

“We will see,” Cougar told him.

“But you'll stay until I'm asleep?”

“Sí, but only if you actually try to sleep,” Cougar told him, giving him a knowing smile.

“Cross my heart,” Jake said, doing just that. Cougar leaned up to kiss him again, and Jake hummed with delight.

“Now rest,” Cougar ordered softly, rolling Jake onto the bed beside him. Jensen obeyed, rolling onto his side, facing away from Cougar. He knew that if he looked at him he'd never sleep. He'd start rambling about how awesome this was, whatever it was. Then he'd start listing statistics and empirical data, and he'd never sleep, meaning that Cougar would never sleep, and that wasn't fair. So, Jake faced away from Cougar and willed his roaring mind to quiet.

He was completely surprised when he felt the bed shift, and Cougar wrapped his arm around Jake's waist, holding him tightly.

“You don't have to hold me...”

“I want to,” Cougar told him, pressing a kiss to the back of his skull. Jake shivered.

“In that case, I'm totally not complaining. Please continue 'til your heart's content,” Jake told him, feeling his eyes grow heavy as his mind quieted. Cougar definitely had some magic about him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week's reading: [Persuasion ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persuasion_\(novel\)) by Jane Austen which is available in its entirety online for free if you're into that sort of thing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late. Life happened. Hopefully with summer starting, I'll have more time to devote to this and maybe post more frequently.

Jake woke to his alarm the next morning. He rolled onto his back, finding the bed empty save for himself. Still, he smiled as he saw Cougar's hat resting on the other nightstand.

Jake got out of bed and groped around for his glasses until he succeeded in knocking them onto the floor. By the time he came out of the bedroom, he'd already cursed out his glasses and the person who invented them, claiming that robot eyes would be much better.

Cougar was sitting in the kitchen, sipping coffee from downstairs and reading the paper instead of watching the news on silent.

“Cougar, you'll never believe it. I had this crazy dream last night,” Jake announced as he walked into the room.

Cougar raised an eyebrow as he held up the coffee he'd gotten Jake. Jake took it with a grateful smile before leaning on the island right in front of Cougar until Cougar pulled a stool over for him.

“I dreamed that you gave me the goodnight kiss to end all goodnight kisses. Like toe curling, pant busting, bring out the paddles he's going into cardiac arrest kind of good kiss. How crazy is that?” Jake asked, playing with the lid on his cup.

Cougar smirked at him then rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I told you it was crazy. No need to roll your eyes at me. I mean no one can kiss that good. No offense. I mean, it's just not possible,” Jake said, crossing his arms on the table and flexing his muscles obnoxiously. Cougar scoffed. “What? You think you'd be up for the task? I'm a man of science, Cougar. I need solid evidence to believe something to be tr—oof,” Jake said, getting taken by surprise when Cougar got up and pulled him back into his arms, so he could kiss Jake fiercely.

It was a strange angle, but Cougar maneuvered it just fine, cupping Jake's jaw and coaxing his lips apart with his tongue. He spun Jake in his seat as he deepened the kiss, and he ended up standing between Jake's legs as he kissed him.

Jake couldn't really remember what breath was, and thank god he was in just boxers because pants would have been mighty uncomfortable with the erection he was now sporting. Cougar just went on and on, taking the kiss slow but making it deep and passionate.

Jake whimpered against Cougar's lips when Cougar ran his fingers through Jake's hair then dragged his blunt nails over Jake's scalp. Jake wrapped his hands around Cougar's hips, tucking his thumbs under Cougar's t-shirt to feel his skin. He wanted to feel all of Cougar against him, but he knew that would come with time if he didn't push too fast.

Cougar pulled back slowly, nipping at Jake's lips as he retreated. Jake couldn't fight the smile that covered his face as he looked up at Cougar. Cougar wasn't wearing his hat, and his hair was loose. He looked relaxed which Jensen couldn't understand after that kiss, but then Cougar was used to his own kissing technique.

“Dude, you should come with a warning label. Warning: contents when mixed with humans are highly combustible. Warning: swarthy sex god. Warning:—”

“Drink your coffee,” Cougar told him, stepping back and returning to his own neglected beverage.

Jake tried to hide his disappointment, but he knew he was pouting as he turned back to the island to eat his breakfast.

“I miss silent news. What's-her-face looked really cute in all of those pencil skirts,” Jake noted as he looked through the paper for the Funnies.

“Carmen is on vacation,” Cougar told him, actually reading the news. Jake looked at him for a second, surprised Cougar picked up on the anchor's name since he never really looked like he was paying attention. Cougar didn't look up at Jake, instead studying the paper very hard.

“Ha, so you watch it for the junk in her trunk. You dirty old man,” Jake crowed.

Cougar shook his head and shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee while Jake went on about sexism in journalism.

“I have class,” Cougar told him a while later, getting up to throw out his paper cup.

Jake looked up at the time and cursed. He was running late. “You distracted me!” Jake accused.

Cougar shook his head at Jake and went to get his hat from Jake's bedroom. “Don't think I'm gonna go easy on you at the studio just because you kissed me and things,” Jake told him, following him into his room. Cougar rolled his eyes as he put his hat on.

He was just getting to the door when Jake called him back. “Hey Cougs?” he asked, sounding unsure.

“Sí?” Cougar replied, turning to face Jake.

“You like me too, right? You weren't just testing it out or pity kissing me, were you?” Jake asked him.

Cougar strode back into the room and grabbed Jake around the waist. Jake was expecting another one of Cougar's mind blowing kisses, but instead, Cougar tucked his chin into the crook of Jake's neck and placed the softest of kisses there. Jake's whole body shuddered as it sent sparks down his spine.

“No pity,” Cougar promised, grinding their hips together, and Jake was surprised by how hard Cougar was. “Class I can't cancel, and I don't do quick,” Cougar said, taking Jake's earlobe between his teeth and worrying it. “You're going to be late,” he said as he pulled away.

Jake stood there stunned, aroused, and completely frustrated. “That's not playing fair. What do you expect me to do with this? I can't masturbate between the bookshelves in the reference section. There is a strict age limit on how old you can be and still do that.”

Cougar snorted at that. “You will have to have patience,” Cougar told him, standing by the door.

“Patience? Have you met me? My impulse control is that of a toddler's!” Jake cried.

“Then you should meet the age requirement for the reference section,” Cougar said unapologetic as he walked out the door.

Jake grumbled, palming his crotch as he gathered his stuff to get to work. He looked at the time. He was going to be late anyway. He dropped his things and stripped as he went in to take a shower. Agnes would forgive him.

The shower started out cold, but he decided that he might as well go for broke and warmed it up and touched himself. It wasn't like he didn't do this most mornings. It was just that Cougar was totally going to be wearing that smug 'I told you so' look when Jake saw him that night. Somehow, Cougar would know that Jake was late because he was tugging his dick to thoughts of Cougar doing dirty things to him.

“I don't do quick,” Jake muttered in a poor imitation of Cougar's voice. “The bastard.” Jake leaned against the shower wall as he finished himself off to the memory of Cougar pinning him to the mat and pressing against him in all the right places.

Jake took a moment to catch his breath before rinsing off and getting out of the shower. He pulled his clothes back on and towel dried his hair before rushing to work, feeling only slightly less sexually frustrated.

\---

That evening didn't involve sexy results either. Cougar was visibly exhausted when he came home that night. Jake wasn't sure when he started thinking of the apartment as _their_ home, but it had been lurking in the back of his packed mind for a while. You didn't read Asimov to each other in the wee hours of the morning if what you had together wasn't a home.

Jake was at his computer finishing up a couple projects for his side job when Cougar walked in. Jake glanced up, but he stopped what he was doing when he saw that Cougar didn't look good. He was pale, and his shoulders were slumped. He was sweaty and didn't look like he'd taken a break all day.

Cougar didn't even greet Jake. He just walked over to the sofa and tried to lie down, but Jake was in his space before he could get there.

“Hey now, you look like you need a bed. My couch is a thing of wonder, but you need an actual bed because you look beat,” Jake said, wrapping his hands around Cougar's waist, so he couldn't sit down in protest and refuse to move. Jake had pulled that move enough times when he was sick to be able to spot it a mile away.

“Just want to watch TV,” Cougar told him, and Jake gave in because he was a pushover when it came to loved ones.

“Fine but after TV, you're going straight to bed, mister. I will carry you if I must,” Jake told him. Cougar smiled at him and kissed him on his cheek before sitting down on the sofa and turning on the Spanish channel. Jake held himself back from swaddling Cougar in blankets and holding him to his chest. He assumed that Cougar wouldn't like that.

Jake watched the anchors talk for several minutes before deciding it was less confusing back when it was on mute. Jake went to the kitchen and heated up leftovers while Cougar sat on the couch. He glanced over a couple times to find Cougar's head lolling to the side as he dozed. Jake smiled fondly. He hadn't thought Cougar felt fatigue like mere humans.

When the food was heated, Jake sat down next to Cougar and balanced the large plate of food in his lap. Cougar picked at the food while he leaned into Jake, but he didn't eat much of it. Jake was going to let it go because it wasn't like Cougar usually skipped meals. He could afford to go light on dinner if he was too tired, but Cougar's memories of his grandmother from the night before played through Jake's mind, and he coaxed just a few more bites into Cougar's mouth.

By the time Jake finished eating, Cougar was asleep on his shoulder. Jake wanted him to sleep in the bed, but he ended up rearranging Cougar, so he was lying on the couch. It said a lot about how tired Cougar was that Jake didn't wake him as he moved him into place.

Jake washed the dishes and planned out what he had to do to finish the project he was working on. He was just about to sit back down at his computers when he heard Cougar start to move around. He leaned over the back of the couch and saw that Cougar was sleeping fitfully. Jake knew from experience that Cougar could get violent if woken from a nightmare, but he reached down anyway and gently touched Cougar's shoulder.

Cougar's hand shot up and gripped Jake around the wrist, but he didn't hold him painfully tight or twist it. Jake met Cougar's wild eyes, but Cougar was already controlling his breaths to calm himself. Jake gave him a smile then put on his firm face.

“I said bed. Now, let's go,” Jake ordered, and Cougar just smiled at him like he was a harmless creature, but he'd play along anyway because Jake was cute. Jake wanted to point out that he beat Cougar in their little sparring matches almost as often as Cougar beat him, but Jake let it go. Cougar seemed pretty loopy, so he waved it off as being that.

Cougar followed Jake to the bedroom across from Jake's own and sat on the edge of the bed. He raised an eyebrow at how the room was princess themed, and Jake just shrugged.

“I have a ten year old niece. I'm allowed to have a princess themed room for when she sleeps over,” he told Cougar. Cougar's eyebrow only went higher. “Okay, fine, I like the room. Don't push your luck. I can force you to watch Barbie princess movies while you're ill.”

Cougar laughed softly.

“Fine, _god_. Yes, this was _my_ idea. Stop twisting my arm,” Jake grumbled. Cougar continued to laugh at him, but Jake didn't mind. He preferred that to the distant stares he'd been getting from Cougar all evening.

“Come on, I made an ass of myself, now you have to lie down. Nope, don't ask how those are connected, just lie down and rest because you clearly need it,” Jake said, kneeling behind Cougar and slowly rubbing his shoulders. “Christ, you're strung tighter than a bow. What happened today?” Jake asked digging his fingers into Cougar's back to try to relieve enough tension for him to sleep.

“Stressful,” Cougar said, leaning into Jake's touch.

“Yeah, I figured that much out on my own, captain obvious,” Jake grumbled, but he didn't push for more information. Cougar had secrets, and Jake understood that there were probably very good reasons he kept them close to his chest. Jake had his own secrets, though he found himself more and more ready to share them with Cougar.

“Sergeant,” Cougar mumbled.

“What?”

“My rank was sergeant,” Cougar explained softly.

Jake kept massaging Cougar's back, but he rested his chin on his shoulder. He vaguely remembered Clay calling Cougar Sergeant. “That's cool. I didn't really get promoted much in the time I was in. I did get a commendation for bravery in the beginning, but then I wouldn't shut up and got a little nosy, and they stopped saying nice things about me,” Jake said, digging his thumbs into a particularly tight knot in Cougar's lower back.

“They were idiots,” Cougar replied, letting his head fall to the side, showing Jake the expanse of his throat.

Jake gave into temptation easily and nibbled gently at Cougar's exposed neck. Cougar just about purred as Jake kissed and sucked at the delicate skin while still rubbing his tense muscles.

“Don't think you can distract me. You still need to go to sleep,” Jake warned between kisses, entertained by how this was a mirror of last night. Cougar didn't say anything, so Jake kissed higher and higher until he was worrying Cougar's earlobe between his teeth. Cougar groaned at that, and Jake was suddenly supporting more of his weight. Jake smirked at the way Cougar just seemed to give up on fighting his exhaustion and eased Cougar down onto the bed. Cougar didn't complain that Jake stopped his massage or his kissing. He just watched through hooded eyes as Jake unbuttoned his jeans and tugged them down his legs then tossed them on the floor. Then he pulled the blanket up over him.

“Get some rest. I want to keep kissing you more than anything, but I know if I stay you won't let yourself sleep, and I think you need that right now,” Jensen told him, but Cougar tangled his fingers in Jake's shirt.

“What do you see when you look at me?” Cougar asked.

Jake looked at Cougar. He tilted his head from side to side and he frowned slightly. Cougar's hair was fanned out on the pillow and his goatee needed trimming. His eyes weren't as sharp as Jake had come to expect. His skin didn't hold the same glow it did when he was teaching a class or interacting with children. He looked much like the weary soldier he referred to. Sergeant Alvarez. But that wasn't what he was anymore.

“I see that you've stopped giving me your poker face,” Jake said, leaning down to press a kiss to his soft lips.

“And what does it look like?”

“Crap,” Jake said simply, running his fingers through Cougar's hair.

Cougar laughed softly, reaching up and cupping Jake's face as Jake leaned over him. “I enjoy your blunt honesty,” he said, pulling Jake down for another kiss. “Stay a while?”

“Your wish is my command,” Jake told him, collapsing beside Cougar and kicking his shoes off. “Is spooning allowed? I'm a fan of spooning. Cuddling in general, but there is something about spoons, either big or little spoon doesn't matter to me. It's just awesome.”

Cougar rolled away from Jake, and Jake grinned. “I love a man who isn't afraid to be little spoon.”

“It is more practical if you will be the one leaving,” Cougar said pragmatically.

“Yes, well aren't you just _so_ logical,” Jake laughed, but he quickly wrapped his arm around Cougar, much as Cougar had held him the previous night. It felt good to be able to give this back to him since Cougar didn't seem the type to let himself be vulnerable very often.

“Some days I think my demons will swallow me whole,” Cougar said after a long silence. Jake held him tighter, but Cougar didn't seem like he was looking for comfort. “I try to do good with the skills I have, but what if I'm not made for that? What if I am just the gun that does the work of others?”

“You're not a machine, Cougs. You aren't anyone's to control or manipulate. You make a difference every day, and maybe it's not moving mountains or shit, but everyday my niece comes home and doesn't stop talking about how awesome your class is and what she's learned. It means the world to her, and that means the world to me and her mom, and I'm sure it's the same with all the others you teach. Or how about the girls from the bar? You make them feel safe, and you do it by teaching them to help themselves. Or how about with me? You indulge my silliness, and you cook for me. You talk books with me. You're good at all of that. You're not just a weapon,” Jake told him firmly.

“You've never seen me shoot,” Cougar said, sounding sad. Jake propped himself up, so he could look at Cougar, but Cougar stared straight ahead, not looking at him.

“So, let's go shooting. I guarantee that there is nothing you can show me with a gun that will make me think any different,” Jake suggested. He hadn't touched a gun since he'd been out of the Army. He was terrified of being around people who knew how to use them. His team's betrayal diminished any love he had of guns. However, he'd watch Cougar shoot. He trusted him enough for that, and that was an earth shaking revelation for Jake.

Cougar laced his fingers with Jake's. “You are so certain.”

“I am. You know why?”

“Tell me.”

“Because when I tried to fight you, and had every intention of making a fool of you, you broke my fall when I ended up making a fool of myself instead. You could've let me fall, or you could've helping me fall harder. Instead, you took the weight of my fall, so the only thing I hurt was my ankle. You're gentle. You just haven't been allowed to show it for a long time,” Jake told him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“You are too observant for your own good,” Cougar responded.

“I've definitely heard that before. Now, you better rest.”

Cougar sighed, but he didn't speak anymore. Jake figured he was just starting to drift off when there was a knock on his door. Jake groaned as Cougar stiffened. They couldn't seem to get any time to themselves now that there was a themselves.

“Stay in bed. It's probably Erin. She gets called in every once in a while. Don't freak out and climb out the window,” Jake told him, kissing him again before climbing out of bed to answer the door. He shut the bedroom behind him and opened the door to his apartment. Sure enough, Erin was standing there holding Beth's backpack while Beth grinned beside her.

“Thank god you're dressed,” Erin said as though Jake had answered the door in boxers and a pirate hat more than twice. She overreacted sometimes.

“Nice to see you too, Sis,” Jake said, knowing Cougar would hear him and hopefully relax.

“Mom said that I get to have a sleepover with you, Uncle Jake,” Beth said happily.

“Sounds awesome. I think I have a whole tub of ice cream in the freezer,” Jake told her.

“But do you have sprinkles?”

“I'm offended, Beth. What kind of operation do you think I'm running here? Of course, I have sprinkles,” Jake said, mock affronted.

“Please don't let her stay up too late. Also, don't let her eat her weight in ice cream. Under no circumstances is she allowed to watch _Game of Thrones_ with you. _PG_ remember, and unrated is not the same as G rated,” Erin told him as though this was Beth's first time sleeping there.

“Yeah yeah, go have fun being an adult or something,” Jake told her, taking Beth's bag from Erin and waving Beth into the apartment.

“Thanks so much, Jake. You're a lifesaver,” she told him, and he waved away her thanks. It wasn't anything. He loved Beth and watching her wasn't a chore, even if he already had a guest over.

Jake had no sooner closed the door than Beth was running up to him looking concerned. “Why do you have Mr. Cougar's hat? He doesn't let anyone touch his hat. Well he let me touch it once, but that was a special occasion,” she said, looking up at him with big, worried eyes.

Jake groaned internally. Well, this was about to get awkward. “Well, Cougs isn't really feeling well, so he's taking a nap in your room. I didn't know you were coming tonight, Princess, so I told him he could sleep in there,” Jake explained.

“Is he okay? Should we make him soup, so he feels better, like mommy does?” she asked.

Jake smiled. “He'll be okay, sweetheart. He's just tired.”

“Can I say hi to him?” Beth asked, and Jake bit his lip.

“I'll see if he's up for a visitor, but you wait here,” he told her.

He went to the door with every intention of telling her no, but when he opened the door, Cougar was lying on top of the covers, jeans back on and looking far more put together than he had only minutes earlier. His hair was tied back, and his coloring even looked better. “You're a fuckin' wizard,” Jake said as he stepped inside.

“I believe your sister said PG,” Cougar said with a smirk.

Jake rolled his eyes. “The munchkin wants to say hi, but I was gonna tell her you're asleep,” Jake said, frowning as Cougar got up.

“I'll say hello, but I should—”

“No, you shouldn't. You're always welcome here even if I'm babysitting. You need rest, and I know you aren't going to get it at the studio. You want to come out and watch movies with us and fall asleep on the couch, fine, but you aren't going anywhere. It's my turn to mother hen, and I will tell you to get back in bed 'til I'm blue in the face if I have to,” Jake told him, stomping his foot for effect.

Cougar sighed. “I don't want to get in the way.”

“She loves you. How are you going to get in the way?”

“I met you because you were jealous of me.”

“That was like _one_ time. Okay, I get jealous, but not of people I lo-care about,” Jake fumbled, afraid to say the cursed word. Cougar tilted his head at Jake but got off the bed and walked over to him.

“I'll stay,” he said quietly.

“Damn right you will,” Jake retorted, wrapping his arm around Cougar's shoulders and leading him out to his niece. Cougar's body language changed as they left the room and approached Beth, who was sitting on the couch with a stack of movies in her lap.

“Hola, Beth,” Cougar said softly, leaning over the back of the sofa to peek at what she had in her lap. She looked up at him and smiled.

“Uncle Jake said you were feeling icky,” she said, scrutinizing his face for signs of sickness. “I think Uncle Jake's a liar who doesn't want to share his friends,” she concluded, turning to stick her tongue out at Jake. Jake huffed in outrage. Cougar was putting on a good show though, so he didn't want to undermine that by calling bullshit. However, Cougar answered softly instead.

“He did not lie, but I heard there would be ice cream with sprinkles,” Cougar told her with a wink.

“Ice cream with sprinkles always makes me feel better,” she agreed, patting the cushion next to her. “Come sit. Uncle Jake'll get the ice cream. We can pick the movie.”

“Bossy,” Jake grumbled, but he went to get ice cream. He made two sundaes, figuring that Cougar probably wasn't actually going to eat all that much. He poured sprinkles on top and stepped back into the living room area to find Beth putting in one of her favorite DVDs, telling Cougar all about it.

Cougar looked content, sitting on the corner of the couch and listening to Beth's review. Jake sat down, leaving space for Beth between them, knowing she'd want the seat of honor beside Cougar. He handed her her sundae when she climbed into the small space and curled up against them both.

Beth wasn't shy around Cougar the way she was with many of adults. Jake smiled at the way she told him things that interested her the same way she did with Jake and her mother. It was like she wasn't worried that Cougar might show disinterest. That made Jake relax even though he hadn't realized he'd been worried.

Jake took a bite of his sundae before passing it over Beth's head to Cougar. Cougar carefully spooned out the chocolate ice cream and took a bite of that, leaving the vanilla behind. Jake smiled. The man had his weaknesses.

Beth talked throughout most of the movie, telling Cougar when the best parts were coming up and critiquing the characters choices. Jake had definitely rubbed off on her because he did the same thing with his favorite movies much to his sister's dismay.

Cougar took it all in stride, and the same way he voiced his disagreement to Jake's opinions on books, he let Beth know when he disagreed. Jake almost smacked him when he said he didn't think Beth's opinion was accurate, but Beth got so excited and crawled into his lap to hear his take that Jake's mouth just fell open instead. She'd hit a growth spurt and was all gangly limbs, and she hadn't yet realized she was becoming too big for laps. Still, Cougar was charming Beth the same way he charmed Jake, and Jake couldn't even be angry because now he was teaching Beth a moral lesson about not judging someone's struggles without knowing them.

Beth settled against Cougar's chest for the rest of the movie, and Jake just gave him dirty looks over her shoulder. Cougar smiled at him tiredly, and rested his arm along the back of the couch. Jake took it for an invitation and laced their fingers together while the princess was rescued by her prince. Jake decided that their next movie was going to be _Ever After_ , because if he was going to watch more princesses in peril they were going to rescue themselves. Beth didn't need some dope to come rescue her. Unless he was that dope, because Jake was more than willing to ride to her rescue whenever trouble arose.

Beth didn't protest when Jake chose the next movie, but as he was finding it in his collection, Beth started talking to Cougar in her serious tone.

“Mr. Cougar?”

“Sí, Senorita Beth?” he replied.

“Uncle Jake always knows what to do to make me happy even when I'm really sad,” she told him.

“Jake is a very good uncle,” Cougar told her, rubbing her back gently.

“Does he make you happy too?” she asked, and suddenly Jake knew where this was headed, and he didn't know how to stop her without seeming irrational or mean. He just froze and stared at them with the DVD in his hand.

“Very often, yes,” he told her, and Jake shook his head. Cougar was walking into a trap and he didn't even know it. Jake wanted to hold up a flashing sign, but Beth pressed on.

“If Uncle Jake makes you happy, are you going to marry him?” she asked, and there it was. Jake sighed. He wasn't even sure what was going on between him and Cougar, and Beth had whipped out the marriage card.

Cougar hummed softly for a moment as though in deep thought, and Jake felt like he was going to melt through the floor into the coffee shop and become a Jensen latte or something. “I do not know, Beth,” Cougar said, and Jake could see the way Beth's shoulders slumped, but Cougar wasn't finished. “But, I care for your uncle very much. Marriage is not something you get to decide on your own. Your partner must want it too, and it isn't something to be done lightly. Do you understand, querida?” Cougar asked her.

“I think so, but what if Uncle Jake wants to marry you?” she retorted.

“Then maybe one day he will ask me himself, and I will give him my answer. But it isn't fair to Uncle Jake if you ask for him, is it?” he replied with never waning patience.

Jake watched in awe of the way Cougar navigated through her questions without breaking a sweat. Jake had been on the wrong end of her interrogations enough to know it wasn't easy. He wondered if Special Forces came with training on how to handle inquisitive ten year olds. If so, he wished he'd gotten that training.

“No, I guess not. Can I ask you one more question?” she asked, using her big blue eyes to her advantage.

“Sí, you may ask me as many as you like,” he told her, running his fingers through her messy hair.

“Do you and Uncle Jake kiss like the prince and princess did?” she asked, and Jake dropped the DVD. Both Beth and Cougar's eyes went to him.

“That's not appropriate Beth. Your mother would not be happy with you if she—”

“That's a yes, isn't it?” she said turning back to Cougar. Jake squawked as Cougar winked at her. Jake pointed his finger at Cougar wanting to give him a stern talking to, but then Beth went and interrupted. “Good. Uncle Jake doesn't get kissed enough. _Mommy_ said that,” she told Cougar.

Cougar laughed loudly at that. It wasn't the soft laughter he shared over books with Jake. It was bright and brilliant, and Jake was lost as he listened to Cougar and his niece discuss his non-existent dating life. If telling Cougar he hadn't gotten any in a year had been embarrassing, learning that his niece was completely aware of just how dry his dry spell was was mortifying.

“I will keep that in mind, querida. Now, why don't we watch the movie before you must go to bed. I believe I heard your mother say something about bedtimes,” Cougar diverted the conversation now that Jake was bright red.

“But Uncle Jake lets me...”

“Princesses need their sleep, querida. If you go to bed on time, I will read you a story.”

Beth's eyes lit up as Jake took his seat again, DVD in the machine and starting to play. Jake laid his head back against the couch with a sigh, but Cougar's fingers found their way into his hair. Jake turned his head to look at him, and Cougar smiled over Beth's head at him. At least he wasn't running for the hills...yet.

Beth was asleep by the time Danielle and the Prince absconded for the day, and Cougar looked like he wished to join her. So, Jake stopped the movie and gently lifted his niece off of Cougar. Beth didn't stir as he carried her to his own bed and tucked her in.

When he came out again, Cougar was slowly getting to his feet, looking worse than he had before Beth arrived. “You should've stayed in bed. You look like hell,” Jake whispered as he wrapped an arm around Cougar's waist and guided him toward the bathroom.

Jake went and found a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt for Cougar while Cougar got ready to sleep. Jake was waiting for him when he shuffled into the bedroom.

“Sorry if she made you uncomfortable. She's got no filter. I don't know where she got that from.”

Cougar snorted, clearly knowing _exactly_ where she got that from. “If I was uncomfortable, I would not have answered.”

“I'm still sorry. She cornered me a couple days ago. She heard her mom say that I deserved to be happy, and now she's on a pint sized crusade to see me married off,” Jake said, rubbing his face.

Cougar approached him and wrapped his arms around Jake. “You do deserve to be happy,” Cougar whispered before placing a soft kiss against his lips. Jake was never going to get used to how awesome this was.

Jake smiled. “Go to bed, you're sentimental when you're tired,” he said instead of finding something romantic to say.

Cougar smirked. “Make me,” he challenged.

“You did no just—” Jake's eyes brightened as he wrapped his arms around Cougar's waist and hefted him off the ground. Cougar made himself dead weight, but Jake was strong enough to carry him, and he all but threw Cougar down onto the pink bedspread. Jake followed him down and pinned him to the mattress with his body.

He kissed Cougar fiercely and rubbed their bodies against each other. Cougar groaned softly against Jake's lips. Jake smirked and pushed himself back and off the bed.

“Sleep. You're exhausted and I don't have sex when my niece is in the next room,” Jake told him, remembering how Cougar had left him that morning.

Cougar laughed as Jake retreated toward the door. “And if you get jizz on the princess sheets, you're the one that's going to wash them,” Jake threw over his shoulder and he walked out. He was followed by Cougar's laughter.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my schedule is a different in the summer, and instead of Wednesday being my light day, it's now my heavy day. So, for now, I'm going to try to post on Mondays instead.
> 
> Warning: There are mentions of flashbacks in this chapter.

The next morning, Jake woke up on the couch with the sunlight in his eyes. Now he knew why Cougar was always up before him. The damn sun was the best alarm. He scratched his stomach as he sent up a silent prayer to whom or whatever was listening, thanking them that Cougar hadn't woken screaming last night. Not just for Beth's sake either, though her waking to screams did concern him.

He knew that Cougar would stop staying over if he thought he might frighten Beth, and Jake hated to see Cougar feel shame for something he couldn't help. Jake knew how important it was for Cougar to feel safe enough to let his guard down, to have somewhere he could relax that wasn't a back office. It was something Jake still struggled with himself, so it was important to him that Cougar could feel safe with him.

Jake tiptoed to his room to check on Beth who seemed to be sleeping soundly, then he went across the hall to see if Cougar was up. Cougar was on his side, facing away from Jake. Cougar actually looked to be sleeping peacefully. His breathing was even, and he hadn't woken immediately upon Jake's entrance.

“Hey, Cougs,” Jake said softly, not wanting to startle Cougar. Cougar didn't stir, and Jake came closer. “Cougar?”

Still Cougar didn't wake. Jake was starting to worry. Cougar was more alert than this. He surely should've woken by now. Maybe he was really sick. Jake bit his bottom lip and placed a gentle hand on Cougar's shoulder. Cougar continued to breath slowly and evenly. Jake frowned and felt Cougar's forehead, but it didn't feel particularly warm.

Jake pulled back, but as he did, Cougar wrapped his arm around Jake's waist and vaulted Jake over his body and onto the bed. Jake shrieked as he was defenseless to Cougar's attack. He bounced on the mattress as Cougar rolled on top of him.

Cougar was grinning down at him when Jake's eyes focused again. Somehow Beth was in the room too, giggling like mad at Jake's predicament.

“I hate you. I thought I was going to die,” Jake told him, gripping Cougar's biceps as he tried to catch his breath. He couldn't admit how close he'd just come to freaking out when Beth was in the room, but it was close.

“We did it. It worked!” Beth cheered as she ran to jump on the bed with them. “We caught you, Uncle Jake,” Beth insisted.

“And you are a traitor!” Jake cried, looking at Beth.

“What should we do with him?” Cougar asked gravely, still holding Jake down.

“Tickle him, of course,” Beth said, reaching out and running her small fingers over Jake's ribs.

Jake couldn't control his laughter. It was horrible, especially when Cougar joined in, running his strong fingers over Jake's most sensitive places and tearing peals of laughter from him.

“I hate you both. I demand new friends,” Jake cried, struggling to free himself, but Cougar wouldn't let him go, and Beth didn't stop her tickling.

Jake was sobbing and trying to pushed their hands away when Cougar finally relented. “How about breakfast, Querida?” he asked, and Beth stopped and looked up at him.

“Uncle Jake always makes pancakes when I sleep over,” she told him.

“What if I make you some while your uncle recovers?” he asked. Beth looked down at Jake then, and Jake decided he must have been quite a sight because she looked slightly horrified at her own handiwork.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said with a smile. “But I can't reach the chocolate chips.”

“I will get them. Go brush your teeth and put on what your mother packed you,” he ordered gently, and Jake was amazed at how easily he did it. Jake had been watching her since she was an infant, and he still sometimes forgot kids needed to be reminded to do things like brush their teeth. “Do you need help with that?” he asked gently.

“Nope, I can do it,” Beth chirped, before jumping off the bed and dashing out of the room.

“That was a cruel trick,” Jake said when she was gone. He was still getting his breathing under control as he gripped Cougar's arms. He felt betrayed and a bit angry at their game. He didn't want to be because he loved to see Beth so happy as she'd been tickling him, but he could still feel his body trying to push for fight or flight.

Cougar smiled down at him with tender affection, reaching to wipe away the tears on Jake's face before running his fingers through Jake's hair. “Forgive me?” he asked so softly that Jake knew he didn't take Jake's willingness to forgive him for granted.

“You lash out when you have nightmares, Cougs. I thought you were having a...an...a flashback,” Jake fumbled for the term he'd hated when he was dealing with his own. He didn't want to think about what would've happened if he'd had one. He remembered coming back to himself locked in one of Erin's closets when he'd lived there. She'd been on the other side of the door talking to him soothingly. The room he'd been in when it happened had been destroyed in his haste to take cover.

“Lo siento,” Cougar said, and Jake could see he really was sorry. Still, he'd been terrified for Cougar and at the same time been terrified he'd slip as well if confronted by an aggressive Cougar. The thought of both of them suffering flashbacks at the same time while Beth was present made Jake felt queasy.

“It was her idea wasn't it?” Jake realized. Cougar would take Jake's anger before he snitched on Beth, but he'd never be so careless about something this important. Jake sighed and looked away. “Now I know how Erin feels when Beth uses me against her. Thanks for that. I feel like an ass.”

Cougar smiled down at him, leaning in for a tender kiss. He continued to stroke Jake's hair while he let Jake get a hold of himself. Cougar held him and remained his anchor until they heard Beth in the kitchen.

“Take a moment to yourself. I will cook,” Cougar told him. Jake smiled up at him.

“Dude, what did I do before you were here? I feel like you pick up where I leave off,” Jake said. Jake could still feel his heart hammering in his chest, but it was hard to stay mad when Cougar was looking at him like that and offering to take care of breakfast. He was still not happy about the trick because he hated to confront the fact that he still struggled with his past, but he knew he was safe in Cougar's hands. This would probably need to be a conversation, but it was one they needed to have without Beth present.

Cougar smirked. “If your sister is to be believed, you got into much more trouble,” he said.

Jake grumbled, but he let it go when Cougar kissed him quickly before stepping off the bed in Jake's sweatpants and his own tank top. Jake watched him retreat, biting his lip.

Cougar was the kind of hot that Jake had never even thought about setting his sights on. Jake knew that he was good looking, but his mouth usually succeeded in putting people off. Cougar was dark, mysterious, and incredibly sexy. Jake didn't really know how Cougar had ended up spending his sleepless nights with Jake instead of someone as equally out of this world as himself.

Then again, Jake intimately understood why Cougar's nights were often sleepless. Jake himself would rather someone who understood his deepest troubles than someone who wanted him sans the ravages his past had made of him. That wasn't just for his sake but his partner's. Jake was much better than he was six years ago, but he still struggled.

Jake still had scars, both physical and emotional, and they weren't easy to deal with. Most days Jake hated his body, but truth be told, Jake also missed being intimate with the lights on, and Cougar had already demonstrated that he wasn't put off by Jake's scars. A part of him knew that if he and Cougar ever got there, that Cougar would make love to him in the broad light of day without any revulsion.

Jake smiled as he rolled out of bed. Just having Cougar to talk to and share meals with was really enough. The rest was just icing on the proverbial cake.

Jake had been yearning for companionship since he came back. Even after that he kept in contact with a few guys from Basic, but they moved or disappeared, and the last of them died a couple years back. Jake loved his sister and he adored his niece, but his life had been lonely since the incident.

Jake walked out to the kitchen to find Beth sitting on the island as Cougar worked beside her. He was close enough to catch her if she fell, and she was leaning over his bowl mixing in chocolate chips as he stirred.

Jake bit his lip. Cougar wasn't just good with kids. He was incredible with Beth, and Jake wasn't sure how he'd ever thought Cougar was anything but sincere in his choice to teach children, but Jake knew now that it meant the world to him.

“Uncle Jake, come help,” Beth called to him, and Jake gladly joined them. He pulled out the pan and greased it while they mixed the batter. He may not have been a good cook, but he knew pancakes—pancakes and cocoa. Really, what else did he need to make? Those were the important things.

He and Cougar moved around the small space of the kitchen easily, never getting in each others way, and one of them was always near Beth, just in case. Even if she was ten, Jake fully accepted that he was overprotective—and would continue to be overprotective until the day he died because she was his girl. Her dates would live in fear of what he'd do to them if they hurt her.

It was really domestic. Probably the most domestic Jake had ever been with anyone other than his sister, and Beth laughed at how they worked together, handing each other things or sliding past each other. It felt good.

By the time breakfast was cooked, Jake was running late. Cougar waved him off and told him to shower while they ate. Beth agreed with Cougar, telling Jake that he stunk. Those two were a dangerous pair, but Jake didn't complain as he really did need one.

He rinsed off quickly, and changed into khakis and a t-shirt. He came out of his room to find Beth sitting on floor while Cougar sat on the couch behind her. It was pretty obvious that he was braiding her hair for her, and Jake couldn't fight the urge to snap a picture of them. Cougar's hands moved with ease, incorporating more hair into the braid with each pass. It was sort of mesmerizing.

“Where'd you learn to do that?” he asked, sitting beside Cougar and taking the opportunity to tickle Beth for a moment in retaliation. Cougar and Beth swatted him, and he sat back and pouted. They took their braiding very seriously.

“Sisters and nieces needed their hair done. My mother had arthritis by the time the youngest of my sisters was growing up. So, I learned to braid all of their hair for her,” Cougar said calmly as he worked. Jake didn't question why the task didn't fall to one of his sisters.

“He's even better than mommy,” Beth chirped.

“Yeah, he's pretty good at this,” Jake agreed, resting his hand on Cougar' thigh and giving it a squeeze. He felt grateful for every bit of information Cougar told him about his past because Cougar kept that stuff pretty close to his chest. Cougar smiled, but he didn't look away from his work.

Jake hurried Beth off to school when Cougar was finished. There were no passion filled goodbye kisses this morning. Jake wasn't sure Erin would consider them kissing to be PG, so he behaved himself.

As he drove Beth to school, he spoke to her seriously. “Munchkin, I need you to do me a favor,” he told her, glancing at her in the rearview mirror. She seemed to be glowing with excitement. It made Jake happy that she liked Cougar. Sure, she'd liked Cougar before Jake knew he existed, but it was still nice that he didn't have to hide Cougar from her.

“Of course,” she agreed happily.

“I know you're excited about me and Cougar being...um...”

“In love?”

“Uh, sure, in love.” That earned him an eye roll from her, and he really needed to stop teaching her things that she could use against him. “Anyway, I know you're excited, but we're still pretty new at this, and we don't know how people will react, especially since Cougar runs his own business. I just don't think you should tell anyone about us just yet,” Jake told her, thinking about the possible backlash for the first time.

“So, it's a secret?” she asked, her big blue eyes looking up at him innocently in the mirror.

“Yeah, for now, I guess it is,” Jake said, pulling up to the drop off zone.

“Okay! Can I tell mommy?”

“Um, let me tell her, sweetpea,” Jake said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Okay, but I wanna be there. She's gonna be so happy,” Beth told him, leaning inforward to give him a wet kiss on the cheek before dashing out of the car toward the school.

Jake just waved at her retreating back. He had a lot to think about.

\---

Cougar came into the library that afternoon. Jake was shelving books when he made his presence known, popping up beside Jake and holding a new book in his hands. Jake didn't jump, growing used to how Cougar seemed to appear out of nowhere, but he did grab his chest.

“I'm going to die young because of how often you scare the crap out of me,” Jake whispered, trying to sound threatening.

Cougar smiled at him, the bastard.

“What's up?” Jake asked as he went back to shelving the book in his hand.

“It's Friday,” Cougar said.

“Very astute observation, Cougs. Are there any other obvious facts you would like to share with me while you're here, or will you be sneaking up on me later for that?” Jake replied, fitting the book back onto the shelf.

“It is my understanding that Friday is a night for dates,” Cougar said, not dissuaded by Jake's sarcasm. Instead injecting his own dose of sarcasm into his reply.  

“Sure, I guess so. I mean I never really went on too many dates...oh you're asking me out. That's what this is. You want to take me on an honest to god date?” Jake puzzled out as he straightened up and looked at Cougar, who looked like he just finished an intense class. His hair was a mess, and he had the glow of an vigorous workout.

Cougar shrugged. “This is still very new. I thought a date would be...novel,” Cougar said.

Jake smiled. “I definitely thought you were way more romantic than this,” Jake teased, laughing softly. “Though points for the pun.”

“I didn't know you wanted romance,” Cougar said, and Jake could agree that he didn't really come off as the type to want to be swept off his feet.

“I have a princess themed bedroom in my apartment or did you forget that?”

“I will never forget that,” Cougar laughed, but he leaned over the shelving cart to press a kiss to Jake's lips. “I will come get you at seven,” Cougar told him between kisses.

“What are we doing?”

“Surprises are romantic, sí?” Cougar asked with a mischievous smile.

“What? No, I suck at surprises. This will kill me all day. I don't need romance, just tell me,” Jake said, but Cougar just kissed him again.

“No,” he said before walking toward circulation. Jake groaned, his mind already racing with the possibilities.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a bit short, but now you can try to figure out what Cougar could possibly have in store for their date.


	12. Chapter 12

Jake was frantic when he came home that evening. He showered and shaved, and he tore everything he owned out of his drawers. He had absolutely no date clothes, and he refused to wear the same khakis he went to work in. He had one black suit that was a bit big on him, and it was still hopelessly rumpled from the last time he wore it...to Danny's funeral. He couldn't think about that right now.

Jake was sitting in his boxers, and pirate hat, pulling his hair out trying to decide just how much of an effort he wanted to look like he put in, when there was a knock at the door. Jake groaned as he rolled off the bed.

Jake pulled on a t-shirt, but he didn't bother with pants. When he opened the door, Cougar was standing there giving him the raised eyebrow from hell, looking thoroughly amused.

“Don't fuckin' say it. If you ask if this is what I plan to wear, I will punch you,” Jensen told him, turning around and retreating to his room.

Cougar didn't look any less amused when he walked into the disaster that was Jake's bedroom. Instead of commenting, Cougar walked over to the pile of clothing on Jake's bed and quickly pulled a faded pair of jeans and an only moderately offensive t-shirt out of the mix. He tossed them to Jake.

“Those will do,” Cougar said succinctly.

“Really? Our first date, and you throw ripped jeans and my least interesting shirt at me?”

Cougar smiled but didn't say anything. Jake whined.

“Not even a hint? You can't pick my outfit for me and then not give me a hint,” Jake told him.

“I can,” Cougar corrected, kicking Jake's well-worn sneakers in his direction too. Jake narrowed his eyes and grumbled, but he slowly pulled on the jeans which were incredibly comfortable from having been washed so many times. Jake glanced over at Cougar when he picked up the shirt, but Cougar's back was already turned. He was inspecting some of Jake's ties with great interest, and Jake smiled. He tugged off his t-shirt and quickly replaced it with the one that Cougar had chosen.

Cougar didn't turn until Jake was hopping over to him, putting one shoe on at a time as he went. Cougar caught him before he could hop right into the door frame, and they went out into the main apartment together.

“So how are we getting to our date if I'm not allowed to know where it is?” Jake asked, and Cougar gave him an odd look.

“I will drive,” he said as though it was obvious.

“But you don't have a car...”

“I do. I just walk if I'm staying in town,” Cougar told him.

Jake opened his mouth a moment and then closed it. That made a lot of sense. Jake would've walked more often if he wasn't always running late. He wouldn't have been running late so often either if Cougar wasn't always distracting him. Jake supposed it was worth having to drive.

Jake followed Cougar out of his apartment. He finally took a good look at Cougar as he walked behind him. His jeans were as worn and thin as the ones he'd chosen for Jake. In fact, Jake was pretty sure he saw an old grass stain near the knee if he craned his neck. He was wearing an olive colored henley that clung to his body and gave Jensen a fantastic view of his muscled back. He also wore a drab colored scarf around his neck. Even Cougar's hair was tied at the base of his skull beneath his hat. All in all, Cougar was dressed as subdued as Jake was. Definitely not your typical first date fare.

Jake forgot he was still wearing his pirate hat until several people outside the coffee shop gave him weird looks as Cougar led him out to his clunker of a truck. Jake felt the hat on top of his head and smiled. “You didn't tell me to take my hat off,” he said, but Cougar just shrugged.

“Is that a Bronco? Seriously? Where did you get that thing? They stopped making these ages ago,” Jake said, looking at the monster of an SUV. Another shrug.

Jake sang along to the radio as Cougar drove. The car didn't have a CD player, and to be honest, it looked like something had chewed on the antenna. Jake wasn't dissuaded as he belted along with the static infused pop songs. Cougar took them out to the interstate and Jake enjoyed the feeling of wind whipping against his face when he cranked the window down—though it wasn't quite warm enough for open windows driving. Cougar glanced at him and smiled.

It was nice just riding and not worrying about the destination. Jake had forgotten what it was like to go where he was told and not have to worry about making the decisions. It was strangely peaceful and freeing to hand over that power to Cougar now.

“I hope you aren't planning to murder me in the woods,” Jake said as Cougar pulled off the highway and down a long, quiet road.

“I would've brought Aisha along if that was my plan,” Cougar laughed.

“ _So_ reassuring,” Jake retorted, but he wasn't worried in the least, or he wasn't until they pulled up to what looked like a sketchy gun range. “Um, Cougs? This is really creepy. Like serial killer, teen horror movie creepy, and because I'm the closest thing to a virgin we've got, I'll die first, and I am too pretty to die,” Jake told him as they drove down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere to a small lot between ranges.

“I won't let the imaginary serial killer get you,” Cougar deadpanned as he maneuvered the massive vehicle into a spot.

“You say that now, but what happens when we need to split up to get help or...”

“I promise there are no mass murderers. It is just a gun range,” Cougar said, rolling his eyes as he killed the engine.

“Is this some kind of anarchist training grounds?”

Cougar laughed. “Something like that,” he said, getting out of the truck and going around to the back. Jake scrambled out of the vehicle, determined not to look like a fool, but also not wanting to get separated from Cougar. He felt like this was the kind of place people like Clay and Liam Neeson held support groups for men with particular sets of skills and no outlets for them.

Cougar opened the bed of the truck and Jake's eyes widened at the cache of weapons he had back there under a blanket. A blanket, as though the thought of being pulled over and searched hadn't occurred to him...or didn't worry him.

Cougar pulled out two cases from the back and slung them over his shoulder. Jake's mind supplied that those were his rifles because he'd been a sniper, but his brain was also short circuiting, so he couldn't be too sure. Next, Cougar removed several handguns, placing one in a holster at his side and holding out a .22 to Jake.

“Is this a test?” Jake asked, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. He hadn't fired a gun since the incident. He wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it together if there were guns going off around him. He remembered telling Cougar that he'd watch him shoot, but he wasn't sure it would end well now that they were here.

“Not a test,” Cougar promised him.

“So, you aren't going to be mad if I freak out and hide in the car?” Jake asked, biting his lip even as he took the gun Cougar held out to him. Holding it felt familiar and even pretty nice, but Jake wasn't sure he was ready.

“No,” Cougar assured him, but he didn't stop unpacking bullets from the cases in the back. “We're the only ones here. No unexpected sounds, no strangers. This is on your terms if you choose it,” Cougar said, finally stopping his preparations.

Jake continued to bite his lip. He took a deep breath then another. “You promise it's just us here?”

Cougar nodded.

“And you promise to take care of me if I freak out?”

“Of course,” Cougar agreed, placing a pair of protective glasses on Jake's nose with a smile.

“Like you can disarm me if I suddenly believe I'm fighting for me life?” Jake asked again, being serious because he didn't know how he'd react, and the last thing he wanted was to put Cougar in danger.

“I am aware of the risks in bringing you here. I am also capable of handling anything you throw at me,” Cougar told him steadily, and Jake believed him. Still, he took a moment to ground himself like his therapists always told him to. He could do this. Cougar would catch him if he couldn't and broke down. He was safe.

“Fine, but I choose my gun. What do you have back here?” Jake said, stepping forward to look through the stash. Twenty-twos were fun, but he wanted a little more kick if he was going to do this.

Cougar wrapped his arms around Jake's waist and rested his chin on Jake's shoulder as he looked through the stash. It felt good to have Cougar close.

Cougar had a multitude of handguns. Jake picked them up and tested their weight and how they felt in his hand. He settled on a long barreled revolver. The thing was heavy, and Jake smiled. It was a beautiful weapon.

“Alright, let's do this,” Jake said, collecting the gun and bullets. Cougar kissed him on the shoulder before shutting the trunk of the car and taking Jake's hand.

He guided Jake to the handgun range. It was outdoor, no dividers separating lanes, just open space. Cougar pulled up a chair for Jake while he went about setting up targets for them both.

Jake watched him work quietly. He wasn't sure why Cougar had picked this as their first date, but he could admit that it was something they had in common.

When Cougar returned to his side, he helped Jake out of his chair and led him over to where he would be standing. “Whenever you're ready,” Cougar whispered in his ear before producing ear plugs from his pocket. Jake put his in and took a breath as Cougar settled his hands on Jake's hips. Cougar was a solid presence at his back, always touching him while he slowly loaded his weapon. He anchored Jake there with his gentle touch.

Jake stared at the target down the range for what felt like hours. It was an innocuous circle, not human shaped or detailed in any way. He wasn't shooting at a person, just a piece of paper. He wasn't fighting for his life, just blowing off steam. He matched his breaths to Cougar's steady breathing and begged his body and mind to relax.

“I'm ready,” Jake said, but Cougar didn't step away. His hands remained on Jake's hips, though he moved back enough that they weren't pressed together.

Jake lifted his gun and took his time finding his aim. Cougar didn't correct anything or move at all. It was as though his hands were just extensions of Jake, never interfering. Jake squeezed the trigger once and barely flinched at the hard recoiled and loud bang of the gun. The bullet hit the lower corner of the target, and Jake took a deep breath.

Cougar's thumb was rubbing his hip gently now, but Cougar didn't offer any verbal comfort. Instead, he waited for Jake to raise the gun again. Jake did, and he made corrections to his posture and aim before letting off another shot. This one was closer to the bullseye, but it was above it and to the right.

Once again, Cougar said nothing, still holding Jake, and Jake readied himself again. Jake went through all six rounds, taking his time with each one. After the first, everything faded away, and it was just him and the gun, feeling it out and feeling himself out as well.

When he lowered the empty gun, he released a slow breath. He had yet to hit the center of the target, but he was slowly working his way there. He leaned back into Cougar as he removed the spent rounds then fed the next six bullets into the revolver.

“Not going to show me how it's done?” Jake asked playfully.

“I haven't fired a gun in almost a year,” Cougar admitted, kissing Jake's neck softly.

Jake turned his head to look at Cougar, being very careful to keep his weapon pointed down range. Nothing in Cougar's face said he was lying, and Clay's words came back to him when he'd been yelling at Cougar.

“Then why are you standing here behind me when you can be shooting?” Jake asked.

“One at a time. Want your eyes on me when I'm shooting. Don't want to frighten you,” he said, and Jake didn't even mind the implication in Cougar's words. He'd put a lot of thought into this, so Jake could be comfortable and safe.

“Let me hit this damn bullseye, then I want to see what you can do,” Jake told him, leaning his weight forward again, so he could take aim.

It took five more shots to hit the bullseye. It wasn't perfect, really just grazing the center of the target, but Jake was willing to accept it since it had been years since he'd touched a gun. He'd been top of his class in the Army, but it would take more than a dozen bullets to get that back. Jake didn't really think that he even cared to. It just felt good to be able to hold a gun without having a panic attack.

Jake took the final shot before turning to Cougar and demanding to see what he could do with that rifle of his. Cougar smirked and led him over to the longer range after Jake secured his weapon.

Jake laid down and watched as Cougar jogged down to set up the target. This place either wasn't used very often, or those who used it made sure it looked deserted. He used a pair of binoculars that Cougar handed him to watch Cougar—more accurately his ass—as he set up as quickly as possible.

When Cougar jogged back, he sat down beside Jake, touching his side with his thigh as he opened his case. Jake's eyes widened as Cougar revealed the SR-25. Cougar may not have fired the rifle for almost a year, but Jake knew a well cared for weapon when he saw it. He kept it in impeccable condition.

“That's a beautiful gun,” Jake told him. Jake had never been one to think guns were pretty, but Jake could see how much pride Cougar took in his weapons.

“Thank you,” Cougar said quietly as he took his time assembling the rifle. Jake watched in awe as Cougar's hands almost caressed the gun as he set it up. It was like he was holding a loved one not a piece of metal and plastic.

Jake found himself quiet for once as Cougar worked. He was mesmerized by the ritual of it all. Cougar didn't hurry just because Jake was waiting. He didn't rush himself as he reacquainted himself with his gun.

When Cougar rested on his belly beside Jake, Jake smiled at the way he adjusted himself so they could touch but neither would interfere with the other. Jake raised his binoculars when Cougar gave him a subtle nod.

It was over a minute before Cougar fired his first round. His foot tapped Jake just before he pulled the trigger, and Jake barely flinched at the loud bang. However, it was enough that he rattled his binoculars and didn't see where the bullet went, but it certainly didn't hit a target.

“How bad was it?” he asked when he saw the small frown on Cougar's face. He wanted to kiss it away, but right now was gun time. Kissing time would come after, or so he hoped.

“Not good,” Cougar said, and Jake assumed that meant it was really bad in Cougar's understated language.

“That's okay. Guess you just shouldn't quit your day job to go back to Special Ops,” Jake told him, and Cougar grinned at him, shaking his head.

“You think you are funny,” Cougar mumbled as he gazed through the scope again, setting up his next shot.

“I know I'm funny. Don't be a downer, Cougs. It took me 11 shots before I hit a bullseye. Maybe you just—”

Foot tap. Fire.

Jake did catch the impact this time, and a little puff of dust popped up about three feet in front of the target.

“Don't go getting grumpy on me. You brought me here,” Jake told him, clicking his tongue at the miss.

Cougar rolled his eyes and set up again. This time, he started doing some weird breathing exercise that Jake had never seen before. He wanted to ask Cougar if he was going into labor because it sort of reminded him of Erin practicing her breaths when she was pregnant. However, Jake held his tongue, remembering that Cougar had been a silent anchor for him, not a distraction. He also suspected that bad aim or not, Cougar could probably hit him if he compared him to his pregnant sister.

This shot was slow in coming, but once again, Cougar tapped Jake's ankle before squeezing the trigger. Jake knew that even that little movement could alter Cougar's aim, so he really appreciated that Cougar did it anyway. He whistled as Cougar hit the target almost dead center.

“Wow, that's impressive,” Jake said, glancing over at Cougar whose lips were turned up in a satisfied smile.

“No more impressive than yours,” Cougar told him, and Jake felt the weight of Cougar's words. Cougar was proud of him for just picking up a gun, and he weighted that as heavily as his own skills.

They took turns for over an hour. Cougar even let Jake fire his rifle. It wasn't suited to Jake the way it was Cougar, but Cougar patiently guided him, and Jake even hit the target a few times though nowhere near as accurately as Cougar.

By the time they had cleaned up and were packed back into the Bronco, Jake was filled with excitement. “That was awesome. Like I actually fired a gun again. I didn't even realize how much I missed that,” Jake told Cougar as they started to drive back down the road toward home.

Cougar nodded, but didn't say anything. Instead he listened as Jake spoke all about how it felt to shoot again, and Jake talked a lot. For the entirety of the drive he went through everything that came to mind, and Cougar nodded along as he drove, a private smile resting on his lips.

“Can we do that again some time?” Jake asked softly when they were getting close to home again. “Maybe not real soon because man am I amped up. Like do you see how fast my foot is tapping? I mean I had a blast, but I don't get this hyped when my blood is more caffeine than blood, but I'd like to do it again.”

“Whenever you like,” Cougar agreed, taking an exit before their own, and reaching over to place his hand on Jake's shaking leg. It didn't stop the tapping, but it was grounding just the same.

“Awesome, hey where are we going? More surprises?” Jake asked, admitting to himself that he was a little excited after how well the last one went.

Cougar smirked and kept driving. When they pulled up to an old movie theater, Jake cocked his head to read the sign. Friday Night: _The Day the Earth Stood Still,_ it read, and Jake grinned. “Classic,” he said as Cougar returned his smile.

“They play old movies every weekend,” Cougar told him, and Jake wanted to ask how Cougar found this place, but he let Cougar have his secrets. Instead, he followed Cougar inside and insisted on buying the biggest bucket of popcorn possible as well as Raisinets for Cougar. They took turns washing off the residue from the range in the bathroom before the movie started, then they settled in together.

There were only a few other people in the theater, most of them older people. It was nice to be able to sit in a theater like any other couple and enjoy a movie. Jake couldn't remember the last time he'd done such a typical date activity.

Jake held Cougar's hand throughout the entire movie. He wanted to make out like teenagers the way he'd never really gotten to do as a teenager, but he was too engrossed in the movie to try anything. Cougar would lift their twined fingers to his lips when Jake got excited about his favorite parts, and he'd kiss Jake's knuckles gently. This felt like a date. It was much lighter than their previous activity, but it still held an importance to Jake because it was just another example of how well Cougar understood him.

When the movie ended, they walked across the street and got burgers. It wasn't anything spectacular, but Jake happily dug into his food.

“Okay, this was a pretty great first date. You managed to combine ritual male bonding with one of my favorite things. Robots. I'll admit, I had my doubts, but I bow to your genius. I mean not traditionally romantic, but there is definitely something to be said for trusting a man who admitted to being terrified of loud noises with a deadly weapon. I applaud your taste for danger and your taste in classic films. God, I haven't seen that one in ages. It was like being a kid all over again,” Jake rambled as Cougar snitched his french fries.

Jake was too happy to care that his plate was under attack. He knew he had a lazy grin on his face, but he couldn't help it.

“So what's the rest of your plan?” Jake asked.

Cougar just smirked at him, and Jake felt his body tingle at the implications of that smile. He wondered how many people had inexplicably lost their underwear due to that smile. Jake tried to hurry through the rest of dinner, but Cougar insisted on eating every last one of Jake's fries before paying the check.

Jake couldn't fight his smile as Cougar snatched the check before he could take it. Jake had never had a date pay for him before, and the novelty of it prevented him from making a scene. Jake was actually bouncing by the time they got back into the Bronco, and he almost knocked Cougar out of his seat when he leaned over to kiss him thoroughly.

Jake's pirate hat fell into his lap as he pulled away, and everyone's weird looks made so much more sense now, but he didn't care. He hadn't been that relaxed with another person not related to him in years.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Cougar's Catnip for guessing all the parts of their date.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals a bit with Jake's body image problems.

Jake had a moment of panic when they returned to his apartment. Cougar toed off his boots at the door like he lived here, and he placed his hat on one of the coat hooks. Jake gulped as Cougar wrapped his arms around Jake's waist and kissed the side of his neck.

“Your heart is racing,” Cougar said softly as he placed kisses up and down Jake's throat.

“Well, you are doing sexy things to me—”

“You're worried.”

“And you have the unfair advantage of being able to read minds,” Jake huffed. There really was no point in lying to Cougar. The man could smell a lie.

“Only yours, and only because it's so loud,” Cougar told him playfully.

“I know I said it's been a year, but it's been even longer since I was naked with a partner. I know you've already seen them, but they're a buzz kill, so I'm just sort of...”

“You don't need to show me,” Cougar told him pressing his hips to Jensen's and letting him know how much he wanted Jake right now.

“But that's just it. It's sort of an all or nothing kind of thing. I'm not in the market for someone I can't have lights on, sober, mind blowing sex with. I'm sick of feeling ashamed when I have sex,” Jake told him, wrapping his own arms around Cougar, but Cougar stepped out of his grasp. Jake felt like someone had slipped an ice cube down his shirt as dread took him with Cougar's retreat.

“Would this put your mind at ease?” Cougar asked, reaching down to pull his t-shirt over his head. He wasn't wearing an undershirt tonight, and Jake got a full view of Cougar's taut chest and stomach.

Jake's jaw dropped when he saw scars interspersed against the beautiful tan flesh of Cougar's body. Over his heart was a Sacred Heart tattoo, but it was damaged by a scar piercing the flames. The bullet must have been angled and gone up through his shoulder. There were other healed entry wounds over his stomach, and Jake stared in wonder. It was a miracle Cougar was there in front of him, alive and breathing.

“Shit, this is really hypocritical, but _holy shit_!” Jake said, stepping forward and reaching out to touch Cougar's marked flesh. Cougar didn't stop him, and he didn't look the least bit offended by Jake's words. Jake figured Cougar'd been expecting Jake's mouth to say something tactless. Cougar never seemed to mind that though. He gripped Jake's hand and guided it to his body, seemingly knowing Jake was almost afraid to touch. “I had no idea. _Shit_. And here I was being a drama queen about my body, and you probably think I'm overreacting.”

“Shh, I think no such thing. I don't compare our struggles,” Cougar whispered, kissing Jake's cheek. “I was not trying to hide them from you,” Cougar told him, once again reading Jake's thoughts.

“Oh no?” Jake asked, looking up into Cougar's eyes even as his fingers traced one of the raised webs of scar tissue on his belly. It certainly felt like Cougar had been keeping them from him, but Jake wouldn't judge him for that.

“It is habit to always wear a shirt since I now work with children. They neither need to see my body nor my scars. I want to give them courage in themselves not terrify them,” Cougar told him, and it made sense. Cougar had told him that once before, but Jake hadn't really understood.

“Are these why you haven't fired your rifle in a year?” Jake asked, realizing that they'd both been overcoming fears and remembering old parts of themselves today. If Jake's memory served Cougar hadn't had these all that long, yet he was seemingly fully recovered physically.

“I almost died. I did die, twice, but I was revived. My hands were not steady enough to shoot afterward, and my body was not strong enough to fight. So, I rebuilt it and found somewhere where I wouldn't need to be strong and wouldn't need to be a sniper,” Cougar told him.

“And this is all has to do with why you're a ghost?” Jake asked, stepping closer and placing his other hand against Cougar's chest.

“A bad man killed twenty-five children on our watch, and he would have happily killed more if they had been in the way,” Cougar said, tipping his head down like it weighed too much to hold it up any longer. “No one was going to stop him, so we did. We all did it for different reasons, but for me it was them. I still hear their screams. They were innocent.”

Jake chewed his lip as he tipped Cougar's chin up, so they were eye to eye. “Their deaths weren't your fault,” Jake told him, but Cougar shook his head.

“The chopper was for us. He wanted us dead, but we put them in it, thinking it would get them to safety.”

“That doesn't make it your fault, Cougs. You tried to save them. It's fucking tragic, but their deaths aren't on your hands. You don't have to spend your life trying to make up for something that wasn't your fault...You almost died,” Jake whispered, and he saw the fire come alive in Cougar's eyes at his words.

“And you don't need to carry shame with you for the sins of your teammates,” Cougar told him just as fiercely, resting his had over Jake's shirt, right on top of one of Jake's own scars.

Jake shuddered, leaning into Cougar's arms. Jake didn't protest when Cougar gripped the bottom of his t-shirt and pulled it up over his head, displacing his hat as it went. He licked his lips as Cougar tossed the shirt to the floor and took a long look at Jake's body. Jake knew he was in incredible shape if you could look past the scars, but that didn't stop him from blushing at the intensity of Cougar's hungry gaze.

Jake stepped back just far enough to look at Cougar's body again. As the shock wore off, Jake found himself appreciating the contours of Cougar's chest and stomach. He was in phenomenal shape, and while Jake clearly saw the pucker above Cougar's right hip, the one over his tattoo, the line that crossed his abdomen where he'd clearly had extensive surgery, they didn't take away from the whole picture of Cougar. Jake wasn't repulsed by the aesthetic imperfections, then he looked down at his own torso.

He was repulsed by his own body. He'd come to terms with the fact he'd never love his body again, but glancing from Cougar to himself, he wondered if Cougar saw him the same way he saw Cougar—marked but no less beautiful.

“You still want lights on?” Cougar asked with that smirk that was going to be Jake's ticket to hell.

“Hell yes!” Jake replied, pulling Cougar in for a searing kiss. Jake nipped at Cougar's lip as he held Cougar's hips firmly against his own. Cougar wasn't one to be outdone, and ground against Jake until Jake was breathing raggedly and completely hard in his jeans.

“Not that I'm traditional or anything, but now might be a good time to find my bed,” Jake suggested as Cougar unbuttoned Jake's jeans and toyed with the zipper.

“Would you like me to carry you across the threshold or visa versa?” Cougar asked playfully, unzipping Jake's jeans and dipping his fingers beneath the worn fabric. Jake gasped as Cougar gave him a firm stroke through his boxers.

Jake grabbed Cougar's wrist and pulled it around his neck before lifting Cougar into his arms, bridal style. Cougar laughed as Jake moved quickly through the apartment toward his bedroom. “If I throw my back out before the sex of a lifetime, I am going to be so mad at you. You are so much bigger than a house cat,” Jake told him, trying to steal a kiss but almost walking into a door frame in the process.

Cougar was being a good sport about being carried. Jake knew plenty of men that got completely bent out of shape when lifted off the ground as though it was unmanly to not be the heaviest thing on Earth. Cougar, in an impressive show of faith, was sucking a hickey into Jake's collarbone instead of watching where Jake was taking them.

“Jeez, you're heavy,” Jake groaned as he made it to his room, and they both tumbled onto his bed, shoving his clothes aside. Cougar rolled them so that he was straddling Jake, and he slowly worked his way down from Jake's clavicle to his chest. The pace slowed as Cougar gave his full attention to Jake's body.

Jake gasped as Cougar licked his nipple, watching it stand at attention before nipping it gently. Jake groaned, trying to hold himself together. Cougar gave the same attention to Jake's other nipple before trailing his tongue over the longest of Jake's scars which ran down his ribs where they'd carved along his side just because they could.

Jake cried out, gripping Cougar's bare shoulders tightly.

“Good or bad?” Cougar asked softly.

“Thought you could read my mind,” Jake mumbled, gently trying to work the tie out of Cougar's hair, so he could run his fingers through it.

“I want to hear you say it,” Cougar told him, and Jake thought that Cougar must save up all his best words just so he'd have them for moments like this.

“Good,” Jake promised, and Cougar's tongue immediately dipped back down to trace the scar again. Jake almost tore the tie right out of Cougar's hair in his haste to get his hands buried in it.

Cougar chuckled as he kissed a different faded scar, worrying the healed flesh gently, and driving Jake mad. Cougar gave attention to each mark on Jake's body, bringing him pleasure where only pain and disgust had been before. Jake hadn't been big on exploratory foreplay since he was discharged. He was more of a get excited while his clothes were still on then get right down to the action kind of guy, but the way Cougar slowly stripped him bare had Jake's brain short-circuiting.

As Cougar used his mouth on Jake's torso, he used his hands to strip Jake out of his jeans. Jake was in just his Marvin the Martian boxers when Cougar reached his hipbones. Jake bit his lip as Cougar began to suck at the protrusion. He tried to buck his hips up to get some friction against his aching body, but Cougar held him down, not finished in his worship of Jake's body just yet.

Jake finally buried his fingers in Cougar's hair as Cougar tortured him exquisitely with his tongue. Cougar hummed appreciatively as Jake pulled the messy strands. Jake began to babble absolute nonsense as Cougar continued to kiss and bite and lick his way down Jake's body. Praise for Cougar's mouth slipped from Jake like poetry.

Cougar actually sat back and laughed when Jake called his mouth “Aphrodite's vacuum cleaner.” Jake would admit he let himself get carried away, but Cougar was great with his mouth. Jake was afraid it would all be over if Cougar actually put his mouth where Jake really wanted it.

However, Cougar made no moves to divest Jake of his boxers. Instead, he stepped off the bed and removed his own jeans before kneeling between Jake's thighs. Cougar looked like he might eat Jake alive, but instead, he reached down and helped Jake to sit up.

They twined their legs until their chests were pressed against each other as they sat. Cougar's lips were swollen as he kissed Jake, and Jake returned it passionately. Jake held Cougar close, needing to feel him. Cougar bit Jake's lip when his fingers found the exit scar on the back of Cougar's shoulder.

“Sorry,” Jake whispered, pulling his fingers away, but Cougar quickly grabbed them and returned them to where they'd been exploring.

“Not bad,” Cougar whispered, running his own fingers down Jake's back. Jake moaned and pulled back to bury his face in the crook of Cougar's neck. Cougar cradled the back of his head as Jake took in his musky scent that was mingled with the smell of the gun range. It smelled right on Cougar.

They moved against each other slowly, neither making any moves to change their position or the speed of the production. Instead, they held each other, sharing kisses and caresses. Jake wasn't sure when the goal stopped being to get each other off and started being to map out each others bodies, but he didn't mind. Maybe this had been Cougar's goal all along, and Jake had just gotten ahead of himself...again.

Cougar's hands felt right as he cradled Jake's ribs or ran his fingers lightly down his thigh. When those fingers brushed Jake's inner thighs, that seemed to trip something in his brain, and Jake started rambling, telling Cougar how good it felt and what he wanted. Cougar was quick to fulfill any requests Jake made, as mundane or unfiltered as they were.

By request, Cougar leaned in to nip Jake's ear and tongue the sensitive flesh behind it. He pinched Jake's nipples, causing Jake to cry out and hold Cougar tighter.

“I want to throw you down on the bed and have my way with you,” Jake mumbled, really without thinking about it.

“What's stopping you?” Cougar whispered still nibbling at Jake's ear.

Jake paused, trying to recall what he'd just said and when it occurred to him, he grinned and rolled them to the side, so he could take a turn leading.

Cougar didn't fight him. He easily adjusted to Jake's move, going with it naturally. He sprawled on his back and placed his hands on Jake's hips to steady him as Jake laid over him. Jake grinned down, and Cougar's own smile was light and pleased.

Jake pressed his hips down, sliding against Cougar and wringing a growl from the man. Jake loved that sound and repeated the motion, basking in it. Cougar's grip became tighter as Jake moved, but he didn't try to alter his movements at all, just like at the range.

Jake leaned down, pressing his lips right below Cougar's ear. “This might be exactly how I wish some of our sparring ended,” Jake told him before worrying Cougar's earlobe with his teeth.

Cougar laughed, tilting his head to give Jake better access. Jake placed his hand on Cougar's chest working it over to his nipple, teasing it and rolling it between his fingers as he continued to kiss Cougar. Cougar arched into the touch, making Jake smile because he could get Cougar to let himself go.

Slowly, Jake worked his way down Cougar's body as Cougar had done to him. He laved at Cougar's nipples and was pleased to find that Cougar was very sensitive. Cougar buried his fingers in Jake's hair and tugged hard when Jake worried his right nipple between his teeth for over a minute. That just made Jake that much more enthusiastic in his treatment of the left one.

Cougar's stomach and hips were less sensitive, so Jake flipped him onto his stomach. Cougar once again didn't fight him on it. It was a vulnerable position, but Cougar settled in easily as Jake pressed his body to Cougar's back, pinning him down. He rubbed his clothed erection against Cougar's ass, and Cougar released an appreciative growl.

“Like that, huh?” Jake asked, trying to sound cooler than the giddy voice in his head.

Cougar just growled some more and lifted his hips to grind back against Jake. Jake had to grip his hip, so he wouldn't fall right off Cougar, biting his lip at how well they fit together and how painfully hard Cougar was making him.

When Cougar settled back down, Jake bracketed Cougar's hips with his knees and bent down to kiss Cougar's shoulders. He ran his blunt nails down Cougar's spine, and Cougar arched into the touch.

Jake studied Cougar's tan flesh as he touched him, and he was surprised to find that Cougar had a large back piece.

“Didn't really take you for the type to get a tattoo for your nickname,” Jake said as he looked at the beautiful tattoo of a cougar. The style was unique, staring almost like a watercolor that bled into greater and greater detail. It made the cat look like a ghost coming out of a mist, a predator you wouldn't see until you were already as good as dead, and Jake could see how it fit Cougar. The coloring was even matched well to Cougar's, making it that much more camouflaged.

“Everyone in my class got tattoos,” Cougar told him, letting Jake touch it all he wanted. “When I told my little sister the plan, she insisted she be allowed to design it.” Cougar's words said a lot more than they should have. His tone said he was younger and possibly foolish for getting it, but he still loved it. His words said he'd been close enough with his classmates and teammates to take part in bonding activities with them—Jake had never been. His willingness to let his sister design it even though he was getting it with his buddies from training, showed how much he loved his family.

“It's beautiful. I could say sexy if you are the type to be offended by the word beautiful being used to describe them,” Jake said, dipping down to mouth at the exit scar in Cougar's shoulder. The cougar had a scar piercing it too. Right through it's flank where an exit wound had healed over. It looked like it would be a mortal wound for the animal which made the cat seem even more like a ghost.

“Thank you,” Cougar told him, shivering when Jake's mouth covered his scar. Clearly, Cougar wasn't used to having his scars touched either. It felt good to be experiencing this with Cougar and not just receiving it from him.

Jake placed his hand over Cougar's where he gripped the sheets and twined their fingers together, loving the way Cougar immediately squeezed his hand. Jake used his other hand to massage Cougar's back even as he sat on Cougar's ass and moved his hips against it.

Both of them panted as Jake moved. Jake talked about everything he loved about Cougar's body as he explored him with his eyes, his hands, and his whole body.

Jake was so close to the edge when he pulled back and kissed down Cougar's back, sucking bruises into the dimples at the base of Cougar's spine. He kneaded his fingers into Cougar's still covered ass and chuckled at the moan Cougar made.

“Did you know you have a little birthmark on your thigh right below your butt?” Jake found himself asking as he tongued the small discolored patch of skin barely covered by Cougar's boxers.

Jake had no warning as Cougar flipped over again and reached down to drag Jake up his body. They rolled over until Jake was flat on his back, looking up at Cougar's intense gaze again. Jake was going to ask if he'd done something wrong, but Cougar leaned down to claim his lips before he could form words.

The kiss was heated, and Jake wrapped his arms tightly around Cougar's broad shoulders to keep himself anchored. Cougar moved against him, pressing their bodies together from chest to hip, and Jake gasped, feeling like he might come at any moment.

Cougar touched him, fingertips over his ribs, fingers through his hair—pulling hard enough to make his scalp tingle—cupping his jaw and neck. Every touch kept Jake present and right on the brink.

Instead of pushing Jake over, Cougar eased back little by little, gentling their kiss, lightening his touch, slowing his body's movements, keeping Jake on the edge but retreating, so he wouldn't fall over. Jake barely noticed it at first because he was so focused on how good everything felt as he tried to give as good as he got. Eventually, they were barely rocking against each other, kissing softly but no less passionately. Cougar rolled them to their sides, so they faced each other on the mattress, holding each other and caressing where they could reach.

Jake rested his hand over Cougar's hip, slipping his thumb beneath the waistband of Cougar's boxer. Cougar didn't stop him, but every time Jake began to tug them just a bit lower, Cougar would reach down and grasp him fingers, raise them to his lips and kiss each fingertip.

“We're already naked,” Cougar whispered, sucking Jake's middle finger.

Jake shuddered at the implication, understanding that having his dick out would distract from the rest of his body. It wasn't uncomfortable, knowing Cougar could read his tells. It wasn't that Jake consciously wanted to hide himself—in plain sight or otherwise. Jake had just never been with anyone he was willing to trust enough to remain vulnerable to them. So, having sex that wasn't all about his dick was new, and maybe just a little bit scary.

“Okay, already naked. Got it,” Jake whispered back, closing his eyes tightly.

He startled slightly when Cougar kissed him gently, leading their hands back to Cougar's hip. Cougar even slipped their hands beneath his boxers to let Jake cradle his ass.

It was clearly a compromise, allowing Jake to focus on something other than his own vulnerability while Cougar made love to him. Jake smiled against Cougar's lips, kneading Cougar's ass gently. He didn't leave his hand there long, choosing to go back to tracing his fingers over Cougar's spine, but it was enough to remind himself that he was safe here.

It must have been over an hour that they laid their making out and exploring each others bodies, maintaining arousal but never pushing to end things. Cougar was tonguing just beneath Jake's ear when Jake's body finally gave in. Jake wasn't expecting it, having grown used to the steady arousal he'd been feeling in his gut, and he gasped as his body suddenly tensed. He closed his eyes as pleasure rolled over him, spiked by the way Cougar continued to kiss his neck. Jake held on to Cougar tightly, moaning and spouting gibberish as he felt himself spill into his boxers. Had he been more coherent, he probably would've been embarrassed by that.

Cougar didn't pull away or say anything as Jake tensed in his grip then gradually went limp. He continued to run his hand over Jake's side and kiss him softly. Jake sighed as his body continued to relax until he was certain he couldn't move even if the apartment was on fire. Cougar never stopped as Jake felt himself drifting off to sleep.

“You're incredible.”

Jake wasn't sure which one of them even said it as his brain decided to sleep, but he felt safe and loved as he fell asleep in Cougar's arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I've been considering this the big sex chapter of this story since I wrote it a couple months ago, and I only just realized while doing final edits that they don't actually have 'sex' in this chapter.


	14. Chapter 14

Jake woke as the bed shifted. He turned his head to see Cougar pushing himself to his feet. The light was still on, and Jake watched as Cougar discarded his own dirty boxers. At least, Jake hadn't been the only one to find release. He felt bad for falling asleep on Cougar, but he wasn't sure that he had had much choice in the matter. Even now, he felt weak as a newborn kitten.

“Sorry,” Jake mumbled mostly into the pillow, so it was close to unintelligible.

Cougar turned his head to look at Jake. His eyes held such love that Jake blinked to make sure he was actually awake.

“The idea was to make you feel comfortable. If you slept, I think we succeeded,” Cougar said, observations dry as ever.

“Oh, I thought the plan was to get kinky with each other, my bad,” Jake teased. He loved the way Cougar rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“Comfortable first then kinky,” Cougar said, smiling.

“Way to prioritize our sex life. Tell me, where does acrobatic sex come in? I know we train, but should I be working on my flexibility and endurance?” Jake asked, trying to sound serious, but he could barely get his eyes to focus.

Cougar jumped onto the bed and crawled over Jake's body, leaning right in to nuzzle Jake's unshaved cheek. Jake was helpless to control the way his body became keenly interested in Cougar's proximity.

“You shouldn't joke about things you aren't prepared for,” Cougar told him, nipping at Jake's jaw. Jake's body betrayed him as he released a shuddering moan. Cougar placed a kiss on Jake's cheek and climbed back off the bed gracefully, smug smile in place.

Jake wasn't even mad. He couldn't take his eyes off of Cougar's body as he stretched and moved across the sheets. Cougar was built strong, but his body was graceful. His legs were lean, and Jake bit his lip at the way the muscles moved as he stretched them.

Cougar clearly had no hang ups about his body being on display, but he also wasn't trying to grab Jake's attention with it either. He was just naturally graceful. When Cougar bent to collect his pants, Jake realized he meant to leave not just run to the bathroom.

“Guess spending the night isn't negotiable yet,” Jake mumbled, still watching Cougar's bare ass as he tugged up his jeans sans underwear.

“ Bar closes soon. Sorry I woke you,” Cougar said, and it took Jake a moment to make sense of the statement.

“Right, Project Waitress Safety,” Jake said. “I can come with,” he offered. He wasn't exactly awake, but he was willing to go with Cougar.

“Rest. I will be back,” Cougar promised.

“Okay. My key is in my pants, wherever they are,” Jake mumbled, his eyes growing heavy again.

“Sweet dreams,” Cougar whispered, leaning over to kiss Jake's bare shoulder. He pulled a blanket up over Jake's body, and Jake was grateful because he wasn't nearly as cozy without Cougar's body heat beside him, or preferably on top of him. Jake was vaguely aware that Cougar turned off the lights when he left, but he was already falling back to sleep.

\---

In the morning, Jake woke to his alarm. He frowned, not knowing who had set it, and how it came to be next to his bed. He slowly got up, still wearing last night's boxers, but he quickly pulled them off as they were just as gross as when he fell asleep in them.

Jake ran his fingers through his hair. He felt heavy, as though he'd slept deeply and was having trouble returning to alertness. Mostly, he woke on high alert, brain firing on all cylinders, and he spent the rest of the day trying to bring himself down to acceptable levels of awareness.

Jake didn't think about guests as he stumbled out of his room. He walked out into the apartment in search of water because he felt like he hadn't had a drink in days.

He froze when Cougar was sitting on the couch, back to watching the news on mute. Suddenly, Jake remembered telling Cougar to take his keys, so he could come back after he went to the bar.

Jake cleared his throat in an attempt to have a voice.

“Carmen back from vacation?” Jake asked.

“Sí,” Cougar said, glancing over the back of the couch and smirking as Jake cupped himself, feeling supremely awkward for letting himself forget Cougar promised to come back last night, and refusing to admit part of him didn't expect to see Cougar again after last night.

He walked into the kitchen area, still feeling Cougar's eyes watching hungrily. Jake's coffee was sitting on the island, but Jake still stuck his head under the tap and gulped down some water, realizing he was giving Cougar a perfect view of his ass. He splashed water on his face to try to wake himself, then he grabbed his coffee and took a breath before joining Cougar on the couch.

As Jake sat down, Cougar said nothing about his nudity. Instead, he placed Jake's pirate hat on his head, and somehow that made Jake feel much less exposed. He grinned at Cougar before sipping his coffee. Cougar was fully dressed, but Jake found that he didn't mind. He wouldn't be forgetting everything underneath those clothes for a long time, hopefully never. Cougar had seen him bare last night, and he'd proven he could handle Jake with care.

“You have classes, and I have to pick up Beth, so I guess that means the clock's striking twelve and the coach is turning back into a pumpkin,” Jake said, watching as the anchor spoke animatedly. Jake could definitely understand the allure, not that Cougar ever watched the anchor with anything even bordering on interest. Jake knew what Cougar's interested face looked like. The one he wore when he watched Carmen was softer more like fond memories were attached to her.

Cougar looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What? You get _Princess Bride_ but not _Cinderella_?”

“No, why is it over?”Cougar asked.

“Oh, um, I just mean that we've got to go back to our regular schedule instead of staying in bed and doing kinky things, not that last night was kinky. It was nice, better than nice, phenomenal,” Jake said, shrugging because a part of him also felt like this might be a one time thing because people tended not to stick around with him, especially after his clothes came off. Though Cougar had had a chance to run last night, and he'd obviously come back instead.

Cougar leaned over and kissed Jake slow and gentle, his hand resting on Jake's narrow hip. He coaxed Jake's lips apart and dipped his tongue into Jake's mouth teasingly. When he pulled back, Jake was half hard and giving him an adoring smile.

“Can you repeat that? I think I only half heard you,” Jake said with a grin, and Cougar rolled his eyes, but he complied.

Jake wrapped his hand around the back of Cougar's head this time, burying his fingers in Cougar's hair. There was nothing gentle about this kiss, and Jake was much more than half hard as they nipped at each others lips. Their facial hair brushed each others as they dipped in again and again, sharing each others breath.

This time when Cougar pulled away Jake tried to follow him, but Cougar shook his head. “Class in twenty minutes,” Cougar said.

Jake did his best pout, but Cougar just leaned in and nipped his lower lip.

“It's Beth's class,” Cougar told him, and that got Jake's attention.

“Shit, it's that late? Damn it! I still smell like sweat and guns and sex. _And_ I'm gonna miss pancakes,” Jake groaned, jumping off the couch and jogging to the bathroom, pirate hat still in place. Cougar followed him into the bathroom, and leaned against the door frame as Jake jumped into the cold water, tossing his hat behind him.

“I must go to the studio. I will see you soon,” Cougar told him, and Jake shouted his acknowledgment over the sound of the shower. He didn't even wait for Cougar to leave before he started singing as he rinsed off.

\---

Erin was shaking her head when he arrived at her house with all of five minutes to spare. “Out late last night?” she asked, and Jake could hear the hint of hope in her voice. She was always telling him to go out and meet people and date, because he'd always been social before the military. Maybe he hadn't been great at the nuances of socializing, but he certainly tried. Now though, Jake was more a quiet library and Friday nights alone kind of guy.

“You could say that, I guess,” Jake said, catching Beth as she darted out of the house and into his arms.

“That's good. I can bring her to class if you want to rest,” she offered.

“Nah, I'm good. Not hungover or anything. Just had a good night,” he said, putting Beth down, so she could run to the car.

“Okay. I'm glade you had a 'good night.' Don't tell my daughter anything about it. Nothing that leaves you glowing is suitable for my daughter's ears,” Erin told him.

“Yeah yeah, got it,” Jake laughed, waving to her as he turned to join Beth in the car.

“Did you and Mr. Cougar have a date last night?” Beth asked as soon as they had pulled out of the driveway.

“Were you eavesdropping?” Jake asked, glancing at her in the rear view mirror.

Beth grinned at him. “Did you?” she repeated, ignoring his inquiry.

“Your mother said I wasn't allowed to tell you anything about it,” Jake said smugly.

“I can tell her about Cougar,” Beth said, and Jake gasped.

“You wouldn't!”

“I wanna know.”

Jake narrowed his eyes. “You drive a hard bargain. Fine. Cougar took me to the movies and then we got burgers. Are you happy?” Jake asked, leaving out the gun range and what came after. Beth knew what guns were, and she knew he had been a soldier, but she didn't need to know he went to the range. That was something she'd tell her mom. It didn't matter what promises she'd made to him. Jake and weapons meant that Erin was going to know. So, it would stay his and Cougar's little secret.

“Did he kiss you?” Beth asked.

“What's with this obsession with us kissing, Bethy?” Jake asked, glancing in the mirror again.

“The prince and princess always kiss before they get married,” Beth told him.

Jake wasn't sure where the sudden calling to become a matchmaker came from, but he indulged her.

“Maybe he gave me a goodnight kiss. Does that satisfy you?”

“Is he a good kisser?”

“Dude, have you been watching MTV or something? How would you know if there are good and bad kisses?” Jake asked as he pulled into the studio's lot.

“Uncle Jake, _everyone_ knows that.”

“Dude, ten year olds these days,” Jake said as he got out of the car. “Hey, remember, this is our secret until I tell your mom,” Jake reminded her as she walked toward the studio.

“My lips are sealed,” she said, pretending to zip them shut. Jake smiled and held the door open for her. They were right on time, and Cougar was already standing on the mats.

He was wearing black sweatpants and an olive colored tank top now. His hair was tied back in a low ponytail, but for once he was without his hat. He looked relaxed as he had the girls gather around for warm up. Beth gave Jake a hug before running to them.

“So Jake, will you be joining us today?” Mandy's mom asked him as he leaned against the divider between the mats and the waiting area.

“Huh?” Jake asked, not taking his eyes away from Cougar as he stretched with the girls. He even looked more flexible than usual, and he always looked flexible.

“For Mandy and Beth's playdate,” Lana supplied, wrapping her fingers around Jake's bicep. She was wearing a lavender colored floral dress that complimented her fair skin. Jake was honestly impressed by the extent of her floral collection.

“Oh, um, I work on Saturdays from noon 'til five, so I'm afraid I can't. I'm sure Beth will be in great hands though,” Jake said, awkwardly glancing at her hand on him then back to Cougar, who was looking right at them with a frown. Jake gave him a helpless look, and Cougar smirked.

“Oh, that's such a shame. I was thinking of trying a new pecan pie recipe. Maybe you can try it when you pick Beth up. I've been told I'm a fantastic baker,” she continued.

“That's cool. I can burn water, so I'm quite impressed when people can cook,” Jake answered without really thinking or looking away from Cougar as the lesson really began. It was either focus on Cougar or focus on the hand still touching him and making him nervous.

“Oh, who feeds you then? It must be awful living on your own with no one to cook for you,” she said, sounding like it might be the end of the world. Jake couldn't help but think of all the things Cougar cooked for him.

“I get by,” he assured her.

“I'd love to cook for you some time. Give you a taste of a home cooked meal,” she said, but Jake didn't really think she was talking about food anymore. Before Jake could say anything, Cougar waved him over to help with a demonstration.

“Oh, looks like duty calls,” Jake said, dashing out onto the mats, and toeing his shoes off as he approached Cougar. Jake grinned at him as he stood in front of Cougar. They were actually dressed pretty similarly because Jake was running out of clean clothes and couldn't be bothered to give the sniff test to everything on his floor. “Gonna test some ninja moves on me, man?” Jake asked, full of bravado. He loved when Cougar called him over to help. However, it was going to be hard not to recall last night as soon as Cougar touched him.

Cougar laughed softly, reaching out and putting Jake in the position he wanted him before explaining the move to the girls then demonstrating it. It was a simple attack, and Cougar did it slowly, so the girls could follow along.

Cougar quietly told Jake to stay after he'd completed the demonstration. Jake sat on the mat and watched the girls practice with each other. Beth was doing awesomely, and Jake smiled at her when she would glance over at him. Jake tried not to watch Cougar like a love struck sap, but it was hard to tear his eyes away when Cougar would bend over to speak to one of his students.

Cougar used him for demonstrations throughout the class, and Jake worked up a sweat by the time the class was over. Cougar had as well, and he looked good as he told the girls to practice their new moves. Several of the girls gave him hugs before rushing to their parents. Cougar returned the embraces gently, never turning a child away.

Beth gave him a big hug and smiled up at him as he returned it. Jake cringed, afraid his niece was going to out them. Instead, she told Cougar that he needed to braid her hair again because everyone thought it was so pretty.

Jake laughed, but Cougar told her he'd be more than happy to braid her hair for her. Beth smiled at Jake excitedly as she ran up to him and demanded he bend down. She kissed him on the cheek then ran over to Mandy and her mother. Mandy's mom fussed over the pair of them, seemingly forgetting about Jake in favor of doting on her daughter and daughter's friend. Jake couldn't help but see the loneliness he often felt reflected in her.

Jake still stood beside Cougar, watching the families leave. “I've got an hour before I have to go to work,” Jake said as the last of them left.

“So?” Cougar asked, but Jake could hear the playfulness in his tone.

“So, I thought we could workout on the mats,” Jake said, grinning from ear to ear.

Cougar rolled his eyes. “I am not having sex with you at my studio during office hours,” Cougar told him, turning to start wiping down the mats.

“Mutual masturbation? It's good for the soul,” Jake said cheekily, but Cougar shook his head. “How about you just beat me up, and I'll get off that way while you bask in your glory?”

“You are incorrigible,” Cougar growled, grabbing Jake around the waist and pulling him down to the disinfected mat. Jake laughed as he landed on his back, and Cougar held him down.

“Now this is what I'm talking about!”

They messed around for thirty minutes. They actually sparred with minimal grinding of pelvises much to Jake's mock dismay. Jake loved wrestling with Cougar. Jake was the first to admit that he was a bit touch starved, especially with how tactile a person he naturally was. The Army had fucked all of that up, and Jake barely touched anyone anymore, but with Cougar he was beginning to thrive on it again.

Part of Jake believed that Cougar felt the same way because he never pushed Jake away, and Jake could be handsy. He also never turned the girls away. If they scraped a knee or were upset and curled up in his arms, he would rub their backs and whisper to them until they recovered. Even hello and goodbye hugs were always returned.

After a half an hour of building up a sweat, Cougar slapped him on the ass and told him to shower before work. Jake laughed and invited Cougar to join him which earned him another slap.

“I'll see you after work,” Jake told him as he got to his feet.

“I have meetings this evening. I don't know when I'll be done,” Cougar said, picking himself up as well. He had another class soon.

“Oh, okay, well I'll be there, and you know how to break in, so I'll see you in the morning if nothing else.”

It felt weird that Cougar wouldn't be sharing dinner with him. Jake mentally told himself to suck it up because it had only be a couple of weeks, and there was no point in getting upset over one night.

\---

Jake went to work and spent the day mostly organizing other people's messes. It wasn't really any different than usual, but it felt like every time he turned around, there was another thing to fix. Jake hated feeling unsteady when there was no reason to be. Last night had been amazing, and nothing Cougar had said in parting should have left Jake feeling like he was never coming back. Jake just couldn't stop that little voice in the back of his head that told him otherwise.

Reading Hour was the highlight of his day. Taking a break from working to read to the group of kids eased the headache Jake was getting. Even when one of the fathers spilled his diet Coke right next to the No Food or Drink sign couldn't spoil Reading Hour for Jake. However, Jake was exhausted after he cleaned up the little bean bags and set the room back to rights.

He wasn't expecting to find Cougar sitting at the table in front of the circulation desk with a bag looking like it contained food. Jake approached slowly, a smile forming as he went.

“What are you doing here?” Jake asked, leaning over to sniff the bag. It most certainly contained food. It smelled like it came from the food truck down the street. “Are those chili cheese dogs? Please tell me you brought me a heart attack in a greasy paper boat,” Jake said, practically lying on the table. Agnes would castrate him if she saw him right now, but the promise of a very unhealthy lunch outweighed her wrath.

Cougar rolled his eye and nodded. “Three cheese dogs and two empanadas,” Cougar told him. Resting a protective hand over the bag as though Jake would grab it and run, which wasn't really far from his plan, but he did intend to bring Cougar too.

“Cheese dogs and empanadas, you spoil me, Cougs!”

“The empanadas are for me,” Cougar told him, narrowing his eyes. They were even more intense without his hat running interference.

“But you can make them anytime, why would you want to eat food truck ones?” Jake asked, motioning for Cougar to follow him behind the circulation desk to his office. Jake had actually gotten an office after he had to fix the catalog system for a fourth time. Now, Jake was in charge of IT for the library and several other nearby branches which he kept tabs on from his tiny office at this branch.

“Sometimes bad food is good,” Cougar said, shrugging. Jake had to agree. There was really nothing good about the chili cheese dogs, but Jake did love them even if they caused him gastric distress.

“I guess there's some truth to that, but you still didn't tell me what you're doing here,” Jake told him, offering his office chair to Cougar and moving stuff on his desk to take a seat on it.

“You were disappointed when you left,” Cougar said, opening the bag and carefully handing Jake his hot dogs. Cougar took one of his empanadas out and bit into it hungrily.

“Sorry, I wasn't trying to guilt you. It's just nice having you around. Nobody else talks to me about robots or even about scifi. I tried to talk to a guy who came in here and took out half of our scifi books a while ago, but he told me I couldn't possibly understand what Vonnegut was really saying. I gave the asshole inexplicable library fines because he pissed me off. I also told him I'd call the cops if he harassed another teenage girl in the comic section. _Anyway_ , it's nice having you around. You don't talk much, but you definitely put up with my babbling, and that's awesome. Not to mention, I just found out some of the incredible things you can do with your tongue, and now I have to sit quietly and wait for it to happen again instead of coming home from work and demanding tongue stuff,” Jake rambled, and he didn't cut himself off because Cougar was smiling at him between bites of food.

“I enjoy our talks too. It's only one night,” Cougar told him, patting Jake's knee gently.

“I know, and honestly I'm annoyed with myself for being weird about it—”

“I'm not going to desert you,” Cougar told him.

“Objectively, I know that. Just wish my brain would cooperate,” Jake said, looking down at the half eaten cheese dog in his hands.

“It will eventually,” Cougar said, leaning down to kiss Jake's knee like there was no hurry.

“You bringing me lunch is like seven different kinds of awesome by the way. I always forget to eat lunch when I'm here. I just get preoccupied with different things then suddenly it's almost seven, and we've been closed for two hours, and I'm still in my own bubble,” Jake said, adjusting his glasses as he tried to figure out how to get the whole pile of chili, cheese, and hot dog in his mouth.

Cougar just smiled at him. Jake imagined there would've been a hat tip if Cougar had been wearing it. “Hey, where's the hat today?” Jake asked.

“Your apartment.”

“Keeping my pirate hat company. Definitely an unusual couple, but I'd ship it,” Jake told him, and Cougar just gave him an odd look.

They ended up trading a hot dog for an empanda. Jake tried to feed Cougar a bite of his hot dog, but Cougar insisted that a hot dog was not the sort of thing one fed to their lover. Jake didn't see what the big deal was, until a lump of chili landed on his thigh. It was pretty disgusting and no amount of napkins was making that stain go away. Cougar looked amused, and Jake told himself it would be childish to wipe his dirty hand on Cougar, but he did it anyway.

In hindsight, starting a food fight—or any fight really—with Cougar was probably a bad idea. Jake ended up with cheese in his hair and a greasy smudge on his glasses. He also had two new hickeys, which were thankfully in places not visible to the public. The fact that he got the hickeys because Cougar was licking chili off of his body was never to be spoke of again for fear of spontaneous boner and public humiliation.

Cougar looked absolutely smug as they walked out of Jake's office thirty minutes later. Jake was still trying to covertly adjust himself as Cougar wandered into the stacks to find a new book for them to share. Cougar continued to mix up their nightly reading, though lately he'd picked several books by Paulo Coelho. They were all pretty short, and Jake liked the whimsical nature of them. Cougar could talk about them for hours it seemed, which was unusual, so Jensen fully endorsed those choices.

Jake didn't see Cougar check out, so he'd have to wait to see what Cougar picked this time. Cougar's visit seemed to lighten Jake's whole day though. After he left, things just seemed more manageable. Jake's mind quieted, and he took care of everything he needed to in less time than usual.

Jake even spent the last hour before closing checking people out and chatting about their choices. Jake knew that trying to talk about people's choices sometimes freaked them out, so he tried to keep it to a minimum most days, but he was feeling good, and people seemed to enjoy his thoughts today.

Agnes was smiling at him when he finally started locking up. “What's that face for?” Jake asked coming back to the circulation desk.

“You've been in a wonderful mood since that young man visited you today,” Agnes said knowingly. Her sharp features brought out her keen eyes, and Jake felt like he was answering to his big sister.

“What? I don't know what you're talking about,” Jake lied, but she gave him an unimpressed look.

“Don't try to lie to me, Jacob. I've known you since you were little more than a boy coming in here to escape into books. It's good to see you happy,” she said, reaching out slowly to pat his bicep. She'd learned how to approach contact with him, and Jake didn't flinch anymore when she touched him.

He sighed. “Cougar's pretty cool. He teaches my niece's self-defense class,” he said, not willing to say the whole truth out loud. He loved Agnes, but he really didn't know where she stood on a lot of things. She'd hired him even after he told her he could and probably would have setbacks and possibly flashbacks, but people tended to get wonky when told you were fucking another dude.

“Jacob, I haven't seen you smile like that since before you became a soldier. You used to have the sweetest smile, and you'd talk my ear off for hours about whatever books you'd picked up that week.”

“I guess I can be a bit of a downer these days.”

“You aren't. You still smile and you still share your enthusiasm with others, but it was genuine today. It's been that way for a couple weeks now.”

“Really? I guess I have been kind of happy,” Jake said, crossing his arms.

“If your young man makes you that happy, Jacob, don't let him go, no matter what anyone thinks,” she told him, patting his arm once more. “Now get out of here. You've worked too much this week as it is.”

Jake laughed, and breathed a sigh of relief. Agnes was still the best boss ever. Jake kissed her cheek before grabbing his backpack and heading out to his car.

Jensen felt light as he drove home. Happier than he'd been in months maybe years. Cougar, with all of his darkness and troubles, helped Jensen remember the things that made him happy. He helped Jensen remember that it was okay to be happy, and he reminded Jake that it wasn't his fault.

Jake had been living for years with the burden of his team's actions, but when Cougar told him it was on them and not him, Jake actually believed him. He'd seen half a dozen therapists, and he hadn't believed them. When his sister told him, he knew she said it because she had to. Cougar didn't have to, and he wasn't the type of person who said nice things just to spare feelings. Cougar was honest.

Jake took a long shower when he got home. Erin had texted that she would pick Beth up from Mandy's to spare him from Mandy's mom. She also mentioned that she hoped he was getting lucky again tonight.

Instead of getting lucky, Jake read quietly and worked at his computer for a couple hours. He went to bed early after watching the ten o'clock news on mute. Jake was starting to see why Cougar did it, and even though he said it was just for Carmen's short skirts, Jake found himself reading the anchor's body language better each day. He could pretty much gauge the news by their expressions and posture now, and Cougar was better at it than him.

Jake loved the little pieces of the puzzle that slowly fit together where Cougar was concerned. Everything had a purpose when it came to him, but he never outright said the purpose. Jake didn't mind that he had to figure it out for himself. Jake loved puzzles, and Cougar was definitely a good one.

Jake fell asleep remembering how Cougar licked chili off his clavicle that afternoon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the absolutely wonderful comments last week. I had company all week, so I didn't have time to respond yet, but I will. You guys are lovely though, and I'm so glad you liked it.
> 
> My guests left this morning, and I'm beat. So I hope this chapter isn't too bad, but I was having trouble staying awake during my final read through.


	15. Chapter 15

Jake woke with a start, but he wasn't sure what woke him. He didn't recall any nightmares, and his apartment was silent. Jake checked the clock beside his bed. 3:17AM. He groaned as he pushed himself up. He figured that he'd go check if Cougar had come in.

Jake wandered out to the living room, but the couch was empty. He went back and checked the spare room, but that was unoccupied as well.

Jake sighed. Cougar could be doing bar duty again tonight and running late from that. He thought about texting him just to make sure he was alright, but Jake shook his head. He wasn't going to smother Cougar. Just because he was essentially homeless, just couch surfing at his studio, didn't mean that he couldn't take a night to himself. He quite clearly could take care of himself and others.

Jake ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to decide whether he was going to be able to fall asleep again. He'd been sleeping so well lately that he should've expected the sleep disturbances to crop up again.

He walked to the bathroom, reasoning that washing his face with warm water and taking a leak might help him relax again. It didn't usually, but Jake didn't really want to sit up all night thinking about whether Cougar was okay.

Jake didn't even bother flipping on the light in the bathroom as he shuffled over to the toilet and lifted the seat. Jake was taking a slow breath while he relieved himself when something thumped beside him. Jake jolted, and the wall behind the toilet definitely got christened as he scrambled to reach for the light switch.

Jake almost shouted when the light revealed Cougar sitting in the bathtub looking awfully pale.

“What the hell?” Jake demanded, tucking himself back into his boxers as he avoided looking at the wall behind the toilet. That would need cleaning. He should make Cougar do it for literally scaring the piss out of him.

Cougar waved his hand dismissively as he rested his head against the lip of the big tub.

“Oh no, don't give me that shit. You are lying in my bathtub in the middle of the night with the lights out. I get a damn explan—is that blood?” Jake broke his thought as he saw something dark seeping through Cougar's shirt.

Now that Jake looked, Cougar was pretty banged up. Jake knelt down beside the tub and pulled Cougar's arms away, so he could investigate. Cougar gritted his teeth as Jake tugged up his shirt to reveal a gash across his stomach.

“Jeez, what kind of meeting was this? Super deadly assassins trying to kill each other meeting?” Jake asked as he turned to pull a washcloth out of the linen basket beside the tub. Erin had bought it for him when he moved in years ago, and this was the first time he could say he actually appreciated the gift. “Move your hands,” Jake told him as he turned the tub on just enough to dampen the rag without soaking Cougar.

Cougar glared at Jake, but Jake didn't pay him any attention. Without his glasses, Jake wasn't able to see the extent of the damage until he was close to Cougar, and now Jake cringed at the mottled tone of Cougar's skin.

“Talk to me, Cougs,” Jake demanded as he cleaned around the gash as carefully as possible.

“It's nothing. Got distracted,” Cougar said, avoiding Jake's eyes.

“Got distracted. During a knife fight?” Jake asked incredulously.

“Sí.”

“What the fuck? Why are you having a knife fight?” Jake pulled back a little to really look at Cougar.

Cougar kept his mouth shut, and that only made Jake angrier. Pain made the skin around his eyes look tight. There was blood on his neck, and Jake reached out to push his hair back only to find a gash beneath his ear.

“Cougar, why were you having a knife fight?” he repeated, feeling his pulse quicken.

“It is not important.”

“Like hell it isn't! Someone fucked you up, and you are going to say that's unimportant?” Jake said, wanting to shake Cougar but afraid he might have other injuries.

Cougar sighed like he was giving up on something, and Jake prayed it wasn't him. “Aisha had a job for us.”

“A job? Like something illegal that would involve knife fights?” Jake tried to wrap his head around this. “I thought you said you came here because you didn't want to fight anymore.”

Cougar looked exhausted. He glanced away from Jake as Jake cleaned away the blood on his neck. “Aisha and Clay, they will always fight. They are the kind of people who always need a cause to drive them. They were not good people, feeding on poor people who could do nothing to stop them. Aisha caught wind of it, so we put an end to it. I was sloppy...”

“Sloppy?” Jake repeated. He couldn't believe his ears. Cougar was out playing vigilante with Clay and Aisha and possibly Pooch, and he expected Jake to be okay with it. Seeing the girls home safely from the bar was one thing, but playing Batman was another.

Jake thought about what would've happened if the knife had gone a little deeper. Jake was trying not to pull his hair out, but he was pretty damn close.

“You could've been killed!”

“It was nothing serious,” Cougar told him, sounding completely unconcerned that he was bleeding in Jake's bathtub. “Just went in and showed them what would happen if they didn't stop what they were doing. Simple.”

“Simple? Simple is you bleeding in my tub? Simple is you sneaking into my apartment because you knew I'd be furious? Simple is you almost fucking dying for something you don't even consider your own crusade but Aisha's?” Jake demanded.

“Was just practice...”

“For what?” Jake shouted. “You said you came here, so you could leave all that stuff in the past. Why do you need to keep all those guns or practice close combat constantly if you aren't planning to go back?” Jake asked, feeling like he was missing something.

“I don't want to go back, but—”

“But nothing! You almost died. Not just tonight, but before.”

“You know it is not that simple.”

Jake could see the scathing remarks on the tip of Cougar's tongue, but Cougar didn't say anything that would cut Jake. Jake could almost see him swallowing it down.

“What about the people who depend on you here? What about your classes or the waitresses? What about _your_ causes?”

“The whole point of the classes is that they won't need me,” Cougar said, sounding weary. His words were slow, heavy. His accent was becoming thick as molasses as he spoke.

Jake bit his lip. He didn't ask what was on the tip of his tongue. He couldn't. If he asked Cougar what about him, then Cougar would answer him, and Jake wasn't ready to hear that he was just a hobby until Cougar had to leave.

Jake dropped the washcloth in Cougar's lap and got up. “I'm going to bed. Clean up any blood stains. They aren't PG, and Beth will probably come over tomorrow,” Jake told him.

“Jake,” Cougar called, but Jake just walked away. He was almost to his room by the time he worked himself into a lather and turned around.

Cougar had his shirt off and was cleaning his wound at the sink when Jake marched in. He glanced up for just a moment as Jake stopped in his tracks.

“I can deal with the breaking and entering. I can deal with secrets. I can even deal with _this_. I don't like it at all, but I can deal with you making your own choices. But I swear to God if you ever bring a gun into my apartment when my niece is around, I will never speak to you again. I've spent six years putting my life back together, so I can be there for her. No one is putting that or her in danger. I don't care what you can do with your tongue or whether you accept my past. Obviously, you've done some things that have fucked you up, but whether I love you or not that stuff can't affect Beth. You understand?” Jake demanded, watching the detached way that Cougar treated his own wounds.

“I would never put her—”

“Just say you promise. I don't need a big speech. You want to speak? You tell me why the fuck you're not really out. You don't want to speak? Then just promise me it isn't going to hurt my family.”

“I promise,” Cougar told him, sounding devastated.

Jake knew he was pulling away, possibly when Cougar needed him, but Beth was too important to risk endangering her. That was the whole reason that they met after all, Jake's concern for her safety.

“This is why you didn't come over last time you had a _meeting_?”

“Sí.”

“Dammit,” Jake sighed, stepping back into the small bathroom and right behind Cougar. He wrapped his arms around Cougar's waist, careful not to touch the gash, and rested his head against Cougar's back.

“I owe them my life,” Cougar said softly.

“Not if they're going to throw it away,” Jake told him, squeezing him to drive home his point. “You have your own needs Cougar. This is your chance to start over, not make the same mistakes again.”

Cougar sighed, but he lifted one hand to rest it over Jake's. Jake's anger had taken a back seat. He wanted to strangle some sense into Cougar, but he was also afraid of pushing him too far.

Jake silently turned Cougar, so they faced each other. Cougar's injuries were like a chasm between then, but Jake leaned forward to kiss Cougar's bare shoulder. He looked through the drawers in his vanity for a bandage that would cover the whole mess, but Cougar ended up grabbing his hand and dropping one into it. At Jake's raised eyebrow, Cougar shrugged.

“Brought supplies. Didn't know what you'd have,” Cougar explained.

Jake carefully disinfected the wound, taking a bit of pleasure from Cougar's quiet hisses. Still Jake was gentle even if Cougar didn't look like he required such courtesies. Jake ran his hand soothingly down Cougar's side when he finished and took stock of Cougar's bruised flesh.

It was a similar ritual to the previous night, but now Jake was cautious, his movements dictated by worry.

“Bruises heal quickly. Even the girls give me bruises,” Cougar told him, catching Jake's hand in his and bringing it to his chest. He stroked Jake's fingers with his thumb as Jake stared at his injuries.

“Sorry, it's just weird being the one to tape up your injuries,” Jake mumbled, having trouble making eye contact.

“May I read to you?”

“Reading each other bedtime stories can't fix everything,” Jake snapped.

“It will calm you down,” Cougar said, carefully pulling Jake to his body for a tentative hug. Jake wasn't sure if they were back on hugging terms yet, but the cautious way Cougar reeled him in as though he would likely be denied made Jake return it.

They held each other, leaning against the vanity in the bathroom, for longer than Jake expected. He realized as he held Cougar that this was why Cougar had come tonight. He could have taken care of himself at the studio and if Jake hadn't found him, he may never have known. Instead, Cougar came because he needed Jake, and Jake shuddered at the implications of that. No one had ever come to him like this before.

“I'll read,” Jake said as he pulled back. He took Cougar's hand and led him to the couch. Jake sat on one end and pulled Cougar down until Cougar's head was resting in his lap. Jake leaned to the side and picked a book up off the end table. It wasn't the one they were reading, but just a book of short stories. Jake picked one in the middle of the anthology and started to read.

While he read, he combed his fingers through Cougar's hair with one hand. Every so often, he'd scratch lightly at Cougar's scalp or massage it. Jake became so focused on his reading that he barely noticed his hand's movements.

It was after the story was finished that Jake noticed the contented smile on Cougar's lips.

“Enjoying the head rubs?” Jake asked, causing Cougar to hum in affirmation.

“Why are you doing this?” Cougar asked quietly when Jake didn't start another story.

“When I fucked up my ankle trying to beat you up, my sister was really pissed off at me, but she put that anger aside for a night because I was hurting, and I needed her. So, I'm gonna put aside my anger right now because you came here when you didn't have to, and I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I asked you to let me help you then shut you out,” Jake explained, still running his fingers through Cougar's hair.

“I'm sorry.”

“Right now, you don't need to be,” Jake told him, leaning over Cougar until his face was just inches above Cougar's. He smiled at Cougar for a moment before bending the rest of the way to steal a slow kiss from his split lips.

“If we weren't a separate beds sort of couple, I'd take you to bed and hold you all night,” Jake whispered, still hovering over Cougar.

Jake could see the slight upturn of Cougar's lips from this distance.

“Gracias,” Cougar told him, reaching up to cup Jake's jaw and wipe his own blood from Jake's lip with his thumb.

“Now that's romance,” Jake joked, trying to nibble Cougar's thumb. Cougar laughed softly, pulling his hand away from Jake's lips.

Silence fell between them, but it wasn't tense. Jake continued to lean down and steal kisses from time to time, but mostly they just sat together as Jake ran his fingers through Cougar's hair.

Nearly an hour later, Jake found his voice again. “Cougs?”

Cougar hummed in reply, but didn't say a word.

“You've mentioned your sisters and family before. Do they know you're alive? Do they worry about you every night, wishing they could call to see if you're okay?” Jake asked, head tilted back against the sofa and staring at the ceiling.

“No,” Cougar replied.

It was such a simple word, but it hit Jake like a bag of bricks. Cougar was all alone. Jake didn't know what he'd do without Erin and Beth. He knew he wouldn't have survived his recovery without his sister's care. He didn't want to imagine if he'd come home and done it alone because he couldn't tell her he was alive.

“I bet they miss you every time they braid their hair,” Jake said. He knew it was a weird statement, and it was probably cruel to say, but he couldn't shake the image of Cougar braiding Beth's hair, and how there were three generations of women back home that didn't get to tease him about his nimble fingers anymore. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.”

“No, I'm sure they do,” Cougar agreed.

“Why didn't you go back?”

“It wasn't safe at first. Afterward, I was broken, and I didn't want to be a burden.”

“They wouldn't have seen you as one. Erin always tells me that no matter how much of a pain in the ass I am, I'm not a burden.”

Cougar laughed softly at that. “No, they would not have seen it that way, but my mother's house was always bright and happy. I would have been a storm cloud permanently resting overhead.”

“You're not a storm cloud here,” Jake told him. Leaning down to press their foreheads together. “If anything, this place feels like less of a cage since you started showing up. I don't think you give yourself enough credit.”

“Perhaps,” Cougar relented, bumping his nose against Jake's. Jake laughed and returned the gesture.

“You know, after I'm done being mad at you tomorrow, I hear that make up sex is the best,” Jake said, losing his filter after the heartfelt conversation. Cougar laughed at his comment though. “I'm really not great with staying angry for long, so maybe we'll get our fight done before breakfast, eat a hearty meal then work off our anger and food for the rest of the day,” he suggested.

“One thing at a time,” Cougar told him, affection easing back into his voice. He didn't sound like he expected Jake to ask him to leave at any moment anymore, which Jake was pleased about. Jake wasn't happy about the situation, but he'd get there.

“I said one thing at a time. First we fight, then we eat, then we sex. If I'd said multiple things at a time, it would've involved angry chocolate sauce sex. Do you even listen to me?”

“Too often,” Cougar told him playfully. Jake huffed out an indignant breath, but he leaned down to kiss Cougar gently.

“I think we both need rest if we're going to make it through tomorrow,” Jake said, tapping Cougar's shoulder gently. Cougar sat up slowly, careful of his cut. “Sleep on the princess bed. Injured kitties get to sleep on the bed.”

Jake ignored Cougar's eye roll, but Cougar let himself be led to the bedroom, so Jake considered it a win.

Jake returned to his own bed, but he didn't sleep. He thought about Cougar and the secrets he kept and everything he wanted to say the next day. He definitely needed to address the fact that he considered this Beth's second home, and there was no way in hell he was letting this become an unsafe place for her. She was his girl, and he'd decided the day he first held her in the hospital that she came before everything else, everyone else.

However, Cougar was important to Jake to. He couldn't deny that anymore. He didn't want to deny it.

Jake was worried about just what Cougar was up to. Just because the world thought he was dead didn't mean he couldn't get himself into a lot of trouble. It didn't mean he couldn't bring a lot of trouble right to Jake's doorstep. Most importantly, it didn't mean he couldn't get him killed for real.

Just thinking about Cougar dying had Jake's stomach in knots. He didn't want to lose Cougar, especially not for something Cougar was doing just because he felt obligated to Clay. Jake didn't really know how to make Cougar realize that his life was worth more than that, but he knew he had to try.

 


	16. Chapter 16

When the sun rose, Jake was out of bed and making coffee himself for once. He put a lot of focus on picking which of the bags of beans that Sam gave him that he would make. He was mad at Cougar, but he still ended up making the mellower medium roast that Cougar favored.

Cougar appeared shortly after the coffee was finished brewing. Jake wasn't sure whether Cougar just had a super human sense of smell, or he'd been up and giving Jake some time. He was inclined to believe the latter, but that didn't stop him from asking about the former as Cougar poured himself a mug.

Cougar just smirked at him, and Jake tried not to be swayed by that playful smirk. He was angry, and he had good reason to be. Jake sighed and took a good look at Cougar while Cougar took a seat at the small kitchen island.

All things considered, Cougar didn't really look too much worse for wear. He was walking without any of the cautiousness he used last night. He looked recharged if not well rested. Jake wasn't really sure what Cougar looked like when he was well rested.

Cougar looked solemn though not wary of Jake. It was clear that he intended to take Jake's anger and whatever he had to say, but he wasn't afraid of him. Jake supposed that was good.

Jake didn't sit near Cougar like he often did. Instead, he chose to stand. Jake opened his mouth then closed it several times. For a man who had no trouble filling silences, Jake was finding this conversation difficult to start.

“So, I'm mad,” Jake said lamely, and he cringed at how stupid he sounded.

“Sí, you have a right to be,” Cougar assured him as though Jake needed encouragement, which Jake refused to admit was the truth. Jake had been mad and chewed someone out plenty of times. He'd yelled at Erin before. He didn't know why this was so hard all of a sudden.

“Dammit Cougs! What if my niece had been here? What if Erin had been called in, and Beth found you lying there bleeding in the tub? She's ten. I wouldn't be able to handle it if I let her see that. I get it. There's really no out for guys like you...even if you're considered dead, but I'm out. I'm out because I don't want my niece to find _me_ like you were last night. I'm so far out, I never thought I'd touch a gun again until you showed up. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy going to the range, but that's it. Firing a couple rounds at an empty range is about what I can handle. But you have a whole trunk full of guns. I mean you said you were done. You wanted to settle down and teach self-defense to kids, but people settling down don't keep that kind of arsenal, and they certainly don't keep them as well maintained as you do. They don't come home after nearly getting gutted by a knife.

“I'm not dumb. My superiors loved to pretend I was because I was cheerful and talked about stupid shit constantly, but I'm not an idiot, Cougar. I know you've got your past, and I'm not delusional enough to think I can magically fix what went wrong in it. I can read to you when you have nightmares, but that isn't exactly a psychiatric breakthrough. I get that you can't just walk away, and I can't ask you to, but when you're here, you can't also be there. This is a gun free apartment. This is a violence free apartment. This apartment is made up of princess sheets and sprinkles, and it's got to stay that way, because this is _my_ safe place. Are we clear?” Jake asked, pacing back and forth in the small space in front of Cougar.

“Yes,” Cougar replied.

Jake paused and turned to look at Cougar. He was cradling his mug in front of him, and he looked so damn casual it hurt. Jake could never aspire to look that relaxed while getting torn a new one.

Cougar had left his hat off again this morning, giving Jake full access to his features and expressions. Jake bit his lip as he read the sincerity in Cougar's eyes.

Jake pulled off his glasses and cleaned them with the bottom of his t-shirt. “You told me you liked Dona in _Frenchman's Creek_ , and at first I didn't get why she was the one you related to, but it makes sense. The caged bird, apathetic and angry with their life, seeking freedom from it,” Jake remarked, placing his glasses back on his nose and approaching Cougar. “You've got to let yourself be free from it though, Cougs. Packing your bags and disappearing isn't a solution. It's just a way of putting off the problem. You need to decide what you want for yourself, not what anyone else wants for you. You've got a family out there that you won't go back to because of all this, so you've got to understand how I'm feeling right now.”

Jake took Cougar's hand—the one not holding his coffee mug—and squeezed it. “You got any thoughts or opinions? I kinda imagined you would fire back at me, and I wouldn't just go off on a sad tangent. I imagined our first fight would be a little more balanced than our first physical fight.”

Cougar laughed at that and tugged Jake close. “I am sorry. I knew I shouldn't have come, but...” Cougar just smiled up at Jake. Words weren't necessary when Cougar's face was doing that expressive thing it did when he let Jake really see him.

“But what?” Jake wheedled because he'd earned it.

Cougar looked down, and Jake regretted asking for a moment. Then Cougar looked up again and held Jake's eye as he spoke. “But nights aren't unbearable when I'm with you.” It didn't sound like much, but Jake knew just how unbearable nights could be from his own experiences.

“Is this when we start doing the make up sex on the counter?” Jake asked, patting the counter top. He suddenly needed to be close to Cougar. They were messed up, and last night was messed up, but Jake had no doubt that Cougar would never do that again. That was really all Jake felt he could ask for.

“No.”

“No? Seriously? You're saying no to make up sex after all that? I mean, was I not angry enough? I usually deliver silent revenge via the internet, but I thought that was a solid angry speech,” Jake told him, cocking his head to look at Cougar from a different angle.

“No, I was not done speaking,” Cougar elaborated, shaking his head at Jake fondly.

“Oh shit, sorry. Talk away. I'm all ears,” Jake told him, crowding in and pulling up a stool, so he was sitting as close to Cougar as possible, without actually sitting in his lap. Jake smiled at him, knowing his glasses were probably making his eyes look huge from this angle.

Cougar smiled at him and shook his head. “I would never want to put Beth in that situation. I never want to hurt either of you,” Cougar told him quietly, holding Jake's hand tightly. “It's been years in the military with nothing but violence, and no one to think about but the team. Sometimes I have trouble...coming to terms with the fact that you aren't actually part of that team, that that isn't your life as well. You just fit like no one else has. It's not an excuse. I'm sorry,” Cougar apologized again.

Jake didn't stop smiling at him. “You think of me like one of you guys?” he asked, trying not to grin like a complete fool.

Cougar leaned in a pressed their foreheads together. “You are more than just one of us,” Cougar whispered.

Jake brushed his lips against Cougar's and reached up to bury his fingers in his hair. The kiss started gently, but soon Jake was insistently working his way into Cougar's lap and pressing his tongue between Cougar's parted lips. Cougar let him take and take, seemingly content to experience Jake's renewed enthusiasm.

Cougar wrapped his arms around Jake's waist as Jake balanced precariously on his lap while Cougar sat on the stool. Jake prayed that the seat held their weight as he tugged Cougar's hair back to angle his chin up. Jake continued to kiss him hungrily, calculating in his head the effort it would take to get onto the counter versus going to his room.

Jake reached down between them and quickly unbuckled his belt and started to undo his pants as he rocked carefully in Cougar's lap. Cougar let his hands dip to cradle Jake's ass instead of his hips, but he continued to carefully hold Jake in place. Jake wiggled a bit trying to get at Cougar's fly, and Cougar squeezed his ass when he almost unseated them both.

“Calm down,” Cougar growled against his lips. “Have all day,” he pointed out.

Jake was seriously considering the counter at this point because he was a lot closer to the edge than he'd like to admit, but just as he was about to suggest it, there was a knock on the door.

“Oh God, I'm going to die of blue balls,” Jake cried, tilting his head back and inquiring to the heaven's why he couldn't just have ten minutes of phenomenal sex with Cougar. “This is all your fault for saying we had all day,” he grumbled, hopping off Cougar's lap as he re-zipped his pants and buckled his belt.

Cougar looked equal parts frustrated and amused by the situation. “Maybe later,” Cougar told him, but Jake wasn't holding his breath.

He went to the door and looked through the peep hole even though it had to be Erin. Well, if nothing else, this interruption proved his point. He just wished it could've waited an hour or so. Vindication was not so sweet when his balls were aching. He waved Cougar out of sight before opening the door.

“Uncle Jake, we're going to the park. Wanna come?” Beth asked enthusiastically as she stood there with Erin.

“Sure do, Microchip. I just need to grab my shoes,” Jake told her, ruffling her pale blonde hair.

“You sure Jake?” Erin asked, looking serious.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?” Jake retorted, giving her a confused look.

Erin clamped her hands over Beth's ears. “You look like you got your lips stuck in a vacuum,” she whispered. “If you have someone over, you can always meet us later,” she gave him an out.

Jake brought his hand to his face, but he shook his head. “Nah, no one here. We're good,” Jake lied, stepping back into the apartment and running to his room to grab his sneakers. There was no sign of Cougar as Jake grabbed his shoes and wallet before returning to his sister and niece.

“You made your own coffee today,” Erin pointed out as though in shock. Jake glanced over to see only one mug sitting forgotten on the island. Cougar was definitely thorough. Jake felt a pang of regret at that. He needed to tell Erin about them. She'd be accepting. She was always supportive. Jake just never really introduced her to any of the women or men he'd seen.

He just needed to wait for the right moment. Maybe while Beth played at the park, he could talk to Erin. Beth wanted to be there, but he could always make Erin act surprised when he told her in front of Beth. It would be good to talk to Erin. He hadn't had much time recently since she'd been very busy with work, and he'd been occupied with Cougar.

Jake was grinning as he locked the apartment.

“Are you high?” Erin asked, giving him a weird look.

“No! Why? And that is totally not a PG question! You can't break your own rules,” Jake insisted.

Erin snorted and Beth laughed. They were too much alike when together. Jake didn't stand a chance against them.

“I make the rules, so I can break them, and you are grinning like a fool. I haven't seen you smile like that since...before,” she said, arm wrapped tightly around Beth as they walked down the stairs.

Jake chuckled. “Agnes said the same thing yesterday. Guess I'm just pretty happy with life right now.”

“That's great, Jake. I'm happy that you're happy. This wouldn't have anything to do with your Friday night would it?” she teased him, glancing back over her shoulder with a grin.

Jake shook his head. They hadn't even gotten outside yet. Clearly, Erin had ulterior motives for their Sunday excursion. Jake didn't really mind. Erin wasn't really pushy. When he didn't want to introduce her to dates, she didn't push him to, even when he'd been living with her.

“It might have a bit to do with that, but I think I'm finally starting to realize that I didn't really get the raw end of the deal after all. I really have everything I want right here, and it's especially nice to have fantastic coffee right downstairs,” Jake told her as they walked out onto the sidewalk.

Erin laughed and rolled her eyes, taking the hint and guiding them into the coffee shop. Sam's was a quaint place with small iron tables set up outside for the warming weather. The inside was spread out, utilizing its space, so customers weren't packed on top of each other. Jake had taken a liking to the place for that very reason. He hadn't felt trapped in there as he did with the commercial shop closer to the library. Jake needed exits back then. He still valued them now, but he was slowly getting better with it.

“Morning Jake, missed your friend today,” Sam greeted with a smile. “I've been missing you a lot lately. Was starting to think you were mad at me,” she joked. Sam was tall and thin. Her dark hair was always in long Senegalese twists—he knew this because he'd shamelessly asked her what her 'awesome twirlies' were called when he'd been inquiring about the apartment upstairs. He liked to think his smooth charm was what got him his sweet digs. She always assured him that it was only because he'd paid the first six months upfront since he was so desperate—that hung down below her breasts. Her makeup was always heavy around the eyes, but it always complimented her dark skin perfectly.

Jake had had the biggest crush on her when he'd moved in upstairs. However, he'd been too raw yet to date, and Sam happened to be the best thing that ever happened to him. When she took a good look at him on one of his bad mornings, she'd taken him under her wing. If Jake didn't come down for coffee, she brought it up to him and coaxed him out of bed.

Erin saved him when he was physically recovering, and Sam saved him when he was still mentally unsteady. Even Agnes wouldn't have been able to excuse his absences if Sam didn't help him get up and get dressed and sometimes even drive him to work back then. By the time Jake was stable enough to think about dating, Sam was just as much a sister to him as Erin, and it was pretty clear she felt the same about him.

Jake smiled at her as he leaned on the counter. “Well now that you mention it, I'm a little miffed that the pretty delivery girl refuses to come to my door anymore,” Jake teased back, batting his lashes innocently.

“You're so full of it, Jensen,” Sam groaned, pushing his face away. “Anyway, your current delivery service is a lot cuter than I am.”

“Blasphemy!”

“Cut it out,” she laughed. “Hey Beth, how's my best friend?” Sam asked as Beth leaned on the counter to check out what pastries Sam had on display.

“Hi, Sam. We're going to the park,” Beth told her, still scrutinizing the display.

“Sounds awesome. You going to make Jake use those dumb muscles of his to push you on the swings?” Sam turned around and plucked a chocolate chip muffin out of the display and handed it over to Beth with a wink.

Beth grinned as she immediately took a bite. “Thanks. Yeah, Uncle Jake is the best pusher.”

“Are you trying to fatten her up, so I have more to push?” Jake asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I would never!”

“I'm on to you,” Jake said, narrowing his eyes at his friend. Erin slapped his ass and told him to move over if he wasn't actually going to order anything. Jake yelped and rubbed his left cheek as he stepped to the right, so Erin could talk to Sam.

“Hey babe, regular?” Sam asked, and Erin gave her a grin.

Jake tried to snitch a piece of Beth's muffin, but she slapped his hand away. When Sam brought Erin's latte over, she placed a muffin in front of Jake as well. Jake gave her one of his boyish smiles, and she tugged his goatee playfully. “You look like you were making out with a vacuum, hon,” she told him, and Erin snorted her first sip of coffee.

“I told you,” Erin laughed as Jake turned red.

“Why would you kiss a vacuum?” Beth asked him, and Jake only got redder.

“I hate both of you, and I will have my revenge,” Jake told both women. It did nothing to stop their laughter.

“I wasn't kissing a vacuum, Beth. They're just being mean,” Jake told her, then took a large bite of his muffin like a petulant child.

“At least you're getting kissed. I wouldn't mind being kissed by the one that's been picking up your regulars,” Sam told him, pushing his drink across to him last.

“Thanks, I guess,” Jake told her, pulling his wallet out of his pocket.

“It's on me,” Sam told him pointedly.

“You said the rent came with free coffee for me, not my whole family,” Jake insisted, but Sam wasn't budging. “I don't know how you run a business with how much coffee you give away,” he grumbled.

“I'm just payin' it forward. Karma is my girl,” she joked. “Have fun at the park. Feel free to give my number to any cute joggers you might come across,” she told them, waving them goodbye.

“Has everyone seen this mystery date but me?” Erin asked as they walked down the sidewalk toward the park. Beth was between them, arm linked with Jake's as she used her other hand to finish her muffin. Jake's was already long gone.

Jake just shrugged and grinned at her. Erin rolled her eyes, but she didn't push him for more information.

When they got to the park, Erin found a picnic table to sit at and finish her drink while Jake escorted Beth to the swings. Beth was old enough to swing on her own, but she never passed up an opportunity to let Jake push her. He always made up the best stories to go with her swinging.

This morning, he insisted she was deep in the jungle swinging from tree to tree in search of some hidden treasure. Jake just let his mind loose, weaving an elaborate tale while Beth giggled and demanded he push her higher.

When Beth was fairly high, she told Jake to catch her, and he ran around in front of her before she launched herself off the swing and into his arms. He'd gotten a bloody nose once from her elbow, but today, he grabbed her with little difficulty. Erin always grumbled about their antics, but she rarely stopped their fun.

When Beth tired of the swings, she decided to chase Jake around insisting she was a zombie out to eat his brains. Jake laughed as he dodged her and ran to hide behind small obstacles. He made a show of it, falling down or tripping over things. Beth loved it.

Beth was in the middle of pretending to eat his brains, when Jake noticed Erin was chatting with someone at the picnic table. Erin was always pretty friendly, but there was something about the blob she was talking to. Jake tapped Beth's arm, and she paused her assault to glance at him. “Who's your mom talkin' to?” he asked since his glasses were about three feet away and in the dirt.

Beth looked over at her mother and squinted. “Looks like Mr. Cougar, but he's all damp,” Beth told him.

“Damp?” Jake asked, scrambling for his glasses. Damp Cougar was one of the best Cougars.

“Yeah, like after class,” Beth elaborated.

Jake found his glasses in the grass and wiped them on his shirt before shoving them on his face. They were still horribly smudged, but he rolled to look at Cougar and Erin anyway. Cougar was definitely covered in sweat. He was wearing sweatpants that were torn at the ankles and one of his old drab tank tops. His hair was in a messy bun, but there were fly aways clinging to his face and neck, and there was no hat.

Jake bit his lip. Cougar was definitely not playing fair at all. The man was a wet dream come to life, and he was out here taunting Jake because Jake should be having the best, most athletic make up sex of his life with Cougar right now...but he wasn't.

“We should go sneak attack him,” Jake suggested, remembering Cougar's own sneak attack with Beth only days earlier. He shivered just at the thought of Cougar holding him down and having his way with him. Jake definitely had a problem because suddenly everything about Cougar was sexual, not that it wasn't before, but now Jensen was full of impure thoughts about it.

“What's the plan?” Beth asked.

Jake quickly outlined what they were going to do, and they started sneaking toward Erin and Cougar's table. They were clearly deep in conversation, and Cougar's back was to them, so they had the advantage there. They split apart, and dashed the last twenty feet toward Cougar.

Just before launching their assault, they both started shrieking like Xena—if Beth wanted to be a princess, Jake wanted her to know that warrior princess was definitely an option.

Jake grabbed Cougar around the waist and dragged him out of the seat and onto the ground, being careful not to smash Cougar's skull against the grass, while Beth pounced once he was prone. They both began to tickle Cougar while also pretending to eat his brains.

Cougar didn't fight them, and Jake had the sneaking suspicion that he wasn't surprised at all by their attack. He also wasn't really affected by tickling, but he grabbed Jake in a headlock and pulled him to his sweaty chest. Beth too was captured easily.

“Ew gross, Cougar sweat,” Jake complained, but that was about as far as he got before Erin punched him in the shoulder.

“Are you out of your mind?” she demanded angrily, looming over him.

“Huh?” Jake asked, looking up at her from where he was trapped against Cougar's body.

“Jesus Jake, you can't just attack people. What if you'd hurt him? What if he didn't like being touched like you don't? You are out of control,” she scolded him like he was her child instead of Beth. “Are you alright, Carlos?” she asked, her tone softening.

“He's fine,” Jake insisted, feeling the gentle squeeze Cougar gave him. There were no hard feelings there.

“Seriously Jake? You've assaulted him before. You'll be lucky he doesn't press charges. Really, Carlos, I'm so sorry,” Erin told him, pulling Beth to her feet and giving her a look that said they would be having words later.

“It's fine, Erin,” Cougar assured her.

“It's really not. We'll just let you get back to your run,” she said, and Jake cringed. He'd really stepped in it. He could see Beth about to tell her mom the truth, but Jake shook his head at her, eyes wide. Now was not the time to spring that on his sister.

“I haven't been surprise attacked in years. Jake certainly isn't going to be the one to do it with his loud feet,” Cougar laughed, completely calm about the situation.

“Hey, I don't have loud feet,” Jake complained, still trying to tickle Cougar, but Cougar was shutting down his attempts with ease.

“Leave him alone, Jake. Haven't you done enough?” Erin demanded, kicking him in the shin.

“Erin, it is okay. We're friends. I don't hold any ill will toward your brother,” Cougar told her, letting Jake go and getting to his feet. Jake watched him carefully to make sure last night's injuries weren't bothering him. He seemed fine, but maybe the attack had been a bad idea.

Erin didn't look entirely convinced, and part of Jake wanted to kiss Cougar right there in front of her to show her just how okay they were, but unfortunately he didn't think now was the time to bust that out.

“Are you sure?” she asked, looking skeptical.

“Sí, Jake has been a wonderful friend over the last couple of months,” he assured her, helping Jake to his feet, and Jake cherished the contact.

Erin sighed. “Sorry, it's just two injuries and nothing but bad news when he'd go to pick her up, and I just find it hard to believe you two are good friends,” she admitted.

“They are. They took me for ice cream, and we watched movies together when Cougar was sick,” Beth told her.

Erin looked between the two of them with narrowed eyes, but they weren't in each others space for once. Jake was standing to the side rubbing his neck in embarrassment, and Cougar was standing there looking as unfazed as ever, his body still glistening from his run.

“We're still going to have a chat about appropriate things to enlist my daughter's help in,” Erin told him.

“It was totally PG,” Jake whined.

“And also totally inappropriate,” Erin told him, holding Beth to her.

Jake threw his hands up. “You always get me in the dog house,” Jake told Cougar.

Cougar raised an eyebrow at him. “Perhaps you should learn from the past and stop attacking me,” Cougar suggested, but Jake could hear the amusement in his tone.

“It was _one_ time,” Jake groaned.

“We should get going,” Erin said, checking her watch. “It's almost lunch time.”

Jake nodded and gave Cougar a small, apologetic smile that he wasn't taking the run with him or doing anything else of a strenuous nature with him.

“Adios, querida,” Cougar told Beth, and she smiled up at him.

“You aren't mad, are you?” she asked quietly, clinging to Erin. Jake felt a lump in his throat at how concerned she sounded.

“No, querida. I am not mad,” he promised her, kneeling down and opening his arms, so she could give him a hug.

Erin apologized again and told him she'd see him on Tuesday. Jake guessed that his class privileges had been revoked for now. That was okay because he'd be there after work most other days, and Cougar would be at his place afterward.

Jake thought about how to tell Erin about them as they walked back to his apartment. He wanted her to know. He wanted everyone to know about Cougar. Cougar was worth it. Jake wanted him to be around for the long haul. He just needed to figure out how to explain that to Erin.

Everyone else saw it when they looked at them, but Erin had the misfortune of knowing exactly how they'd met and what it led to. She also knew about Jake getting his hand broken. Worse, she knew Jake's own dating history which hadn't been spectacular since he returned home.

Still, Jake wanted her to know how he felt about Cougar. He wanted her to see just how happy he made him, and he wanted her to see those genuine smiles Cougar made when he was relaxed and hanging out with Jake.

“You're awfully deep in thought to be so quiet,” Erin noted as they climbed the stairs to his apartment.

“Just got a lot to work out,” Jake brushed it off.

“I'm sorry I snapped at you.”

“Don't worry about it. You had every right. We don't have a brilliant track record, but that's behind us. You were right. He's great,” Jake told her, unlocking his door. Beth ran into his apartment in order to use the bathroom, leaving Jake and Erin in the entryway.

“I'm glad you can get along with him. He's been so good with Beth. I just don't know what I'd do if you really hated him,” she said, giving Jake's arm a squeeze.

“Well, no worries. We're good,” he smiled.

“Thanks Jake, for making the effort to be nice to him. I know it can be hard for you.”

“Eh, it wasn't so hard once I got to know him.”

“That's great. I wish you'd give other people a chance too. Maybe you'd have more dates like Friday if you did,” she said, elbowing him lightly. That was rich coming from her, when she hadn't dated much since Beth was born.

Jake rolled his eyes. “I'm not going out with the girl you met at the salon. I can get my own dates,” he told her. He'd managed just fine with Cougar, and hopefully he wouldn't be in the market for finding dates for a long time.

“Whatever you say. I'm cooking tonight if you're hungry. You haven't been coming by as much, so I assumed that you'd finally lost your mind and were refusing to eat anything by canned ravioli.”

“I've been learning how to cook a little,” Jake admitted, which was a least partially true. Cougar taught him whenever they both had time, but most nights Jake came home to a delicious meal waiting for him.

“Oh god, I need to warn Sam. Her building is in danger.” Erin mocked him, and Jake punched her in the shoulder.

“I hate you.”

“Sure you do, you giant puppy.” Erin laughed, kissing him on the cheek.

Beth was coming out of the bathroom then, looking confused. “Why's it look like someone peed on your bathroom wall, Uncle Jake?” she asked, tugging his hand.

Jake's eyes widened. “Oh, I um slipped and splashed my soda all over last night. Should probably clean that today,” Jake said, praying that wall wasn't irreparably stained with piss.

Erin gave him a skeptical look, and told her daughter they were going before Beth could call bullshit. Beth gave him a hug, and Jake lifted her up and gave her a wet kiss on the cheek. She giggled and swatted him lightly before following her mom out.

Jake was going to kill Cougar.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week's chapter will post on Wednesday instead of Monday due to a switch up in my work schedule.

Jake did show up for dinner, not because he didn't have food, but because he hadn't spent time with Erin lately. He still spent plenty of time with Beth before and after classes, but other than the park not much time with his sister.

So, Jake shot Cougar a text apologizing for the park incident and informing him that he would be having dinner with the girls.

Cougar acknowledged it with his usual understated encouragement.

Beth was ecstatic when Jake arrived. She dragged him over to her doll house which he'd made for her when he decided that the one that came out of the box just wasn't cool enough. Erin had to tell him that working plumbing was not a requirement for a doll house. Jake limited it to working electricity, so Beth's doll's could have romantic dinners in the dining room together—Mr. and Mrs. Smith style of course. At least, Beth appreciated his genius.

Jake played with Beth until dinner was ready, and they all ate together at the table. Erin discussed work, and Beth talked all about school. Jake threw in bits about his week too, and it was just nice to be with them.

Jake and Erin played with Beth until her bed time, then Jake lifted her up and made airplane noises as he carried her to get ready for bed. Beth laughed between telling him she was a little old for this. Jake told her that was a lie, and if anyone could lift him up like an airplane he'd still do this.

When Beth was all tucked in and well on her way to sleep, Jake came back downstairs to find Erin sitting on the sofa. On the coffee table in front of her, there was a bottle of tequila. Jake's eyebrows inched higher as he sat next to her.

“Is this allowed?” he asked, looking around like the police might be lurking behind the potted plant in the entryway.

Erin laughed softly. “We aren't getting trashed, Jake. I'm gonna fall asleep before I'm drunk. I've been working way too much lately. Thanks for watching her by the way. I don't know what I'd do without you,” she told him, pouring them each a shot.

Jake cringed as he knocked it back. It had been a while since he'd done shots of tequila. Erin laughed at him as she took hers without so much as a grimace. With a ten year old daughter and lame minivan, Erin was still more hardcore than he was.

“Would you like a margarita instead, Jake?” she asked as he narrowed his eyes at her.

“Yes, thank you. I prefer my drinks tasty instead of in the form of punishment,” Jake told her, and she went into the kitchen to mix him a drink—or a pitcher of drinks as the case happened to be. She walked out with the pitcher, a pair of cups, and a grin.

“You're going to interrogate me,” Jake said, as he watched her place the pitcher between them on the coffee table.

“Damn right, I am,” she told him, pouring them each a cupful. “Now, first things first, have you been using protection?” she asked, then she broke down laughing at her own question.

Jake blushed, remembering when he was fifteen, and she caught him stealing condoms from her room because he was so certain he'd be losing his virginity at any moment, and he needed to be prepared. His explanation to her may have actually implied that a woman might fall from the sky, and the only way to save her would be with his dick. Erin had told him his dick definitely did not have magical healing powers, and chances were he wouldn't be getting laid for a long time if that's what he thought. She'd bought him a box of condoms anyway, but when she gave it to him she told him he shouldn't be having sex if he was too embarrassed to buy condoms himself.

“I haven't had reason to use any,” Jake admitted. His ears were definitely scarlet, and the rest of him wasn't far behind.

“No way! That grin you were wearing yesterday was totally an 'I got action' grin,” she said, giving him a gentle shove in the shoulder.

“It was more really intense cuddling than, you know, putting dicks in things,” Jake told her.

“You do know that was much worse than just saying sex?” she deadpanned. “Seriously, Jake. You're almost thirty, I think you are old enough to say sex without blushing. Say it with me now. Sex,” she teased, and this time it was Jake's turn to give her a push. She continued to laugh at him while they both took a drink.

“I was in the army, Erin. I've said a lot worse than sex. It's just weird because you're like my mom,” he said.

Erin rolled her eyes at him.

“Fine, you haven't needed protection, so are you taking things slow? Getting to know...”

“Him,” Jake admitted.

“...him before you go any further?” she asked without getting hung up on the pronoun at all.

“Not really. That's just where the night took us,” he said, running his finger over the rim of the cup and thinking about the way Cougar always did that with his drinks.

“So, are you going to see him again?” Erin asked, pulling his glass away, so she could pour him more.

“Yeah, definitely seeing him again.” Jake smiled, thinking about lunch the day before and the possibilities for the future.

“If he hurts you, I will castrate him,” Erin promised, handing back his cup.

“I'll be sure to mention that,” Jake told her.

Conversation eased in to just catching up on each others lives. How work was going for Erin. How Beth's grades were, and her struggle with division. Jake promised to take a look at Beth's homework and give her some help with what was confusing her.

They went through most of the pitcher as they just talked, and Jake had the sneaking suspicion that he had twice as much as Erin did. Still, she was the first one to succumb to sleep. Jake was in the middle of a long winded explanation of the cataloging system when he heard Erin begin to snore softly against his shoulder.

Jake smiled as he looked at how she curled against him. He remembered how they'd curled up with he was younger. He kissed her head before getting up and lifting her into his arms.

Jake carried Erin up to her bed much as he did with her daughter hours earlier, though this time he settled for simply cradling her in his arms. Erin didn't so much as stir as he placed her down in her bed and pulled the sheets up to cover her.

He wasn't anywhere close to sober either as he made his way back downstairs. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he went and dialed Cougar's number before he collapsed onto the couch.

“Sí?” Cougar answered, sounding awake if relaxed.

“Erin got me drunk, and now I'm stranded on her sofa, but I want to be stranded in bed with you because I want to do naughty things to you, and maybe let you do even naughtier things to me. This is a problem Cougs. I haven't been able to develop a way of teleporting yet since the Army didn't fund any of my research ideas, so I'm here, and you're wherever you are, and if my balls get any bluer they are going to have their own crayon named after them,” Jake whined into the phone, eyeing the mostly empty pitcher of margaritas on the coffee table. It was mostly his doing, Erin hadn't lied when she said she'd fall asleep before she got drunk.

Jake could hear Cougar's soft laughter through the phone, and instead of annoying him, it made him smile drunkenly. “This isn't a laughing matter, Cougs. I can't just whip my dick out on Erin's couch and beat off to thoughts of you. There is a child upstairs, not to mention, I had about a third of a bottle of tequila, and I'm not sure my dick remembers which way is up right now,” Jake told him.

“Did you drive?” Cougar asked.

“Non sequitor much, Cougar? I tell you my balls may explode from lack of love, and you are concerned with my driving habits.”

Jake could almost hear the eye roll Cougar was obviously making on his end. “Should I drive to get you or walk?” Cougar sighed.

“Oh, you're coming to get me? To do that thing with your tongue that make's my toes curl?” Jake asked.

“If you tell me whether or not you drove there,” Cougar replied, and even as drunk as Jake was he could hear the humor as opposed to the annoyance in Cougar's tone.

“Drove.”

“Then I will walk. What is your sister's address?” Cougar inquired, and Jake texted it to him while he continued to talk to Cougar. In fact, he rambled on for the entire twenty minutes it took Cougar to walk across town to Erin's small house.

Jake almost jumped at the soft knock on the door that Cougar made, since Jake wasn't leaving much room in his rambles for breath never mind interruptions. He scrambled off the couch—his coordination worse than when he'd put Erin to bed—and stumbled to the door.

Cougar stood there in fraying jeans, loose t-shirt, and his hat. Jake smiled brightly as he reached out and brushed the brim of the hat affectionately.

“I need shoes,” Jake told him mournfully, as he looked down at his socked feet.

“Give me your keys, and I will start the car while you put them on,” Cougar told him, but Jake grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him in for a sloppy kiss. It involved more slobber than was advisable, but Cougar didn't pull away from him.

Cougar pushed Jake inside instead of standing on the front steps for anyone to see. Jake stumbled back and didn't put up much of a fuss as Cougar helped him get his shoes on. Instead, Jake settled for touching Cougar as much as possible. He kissed and petted whenever Cougar was within reach.

Cougar didn't seem to mind, running his fingers through Jake's hair or cupping his jaw and playing with his goatee when he was close. When Jake's shoes were on, Cougar dug into Jake's pocket and retrieved his keys.

He went through the first floor, checking all of the locks while Jake pulled on his jacket. Cougar even had the presence of mind to leave a note informing Erin that Jake had been picked up instead of driving himself home. When Cougar was done, Jake wrapped an arm around him as they locked the front door and headed to Jake's car.

“Sorry, I'm a mess,” Jake mumbled as he gripped Cougar's thigh while he drove them back to Jake's apartment.

“No worries.”

“I...I just...”

“Jensen.”

“Yeah?” Jake replied, looking up at Cougar from where he was resting his head on his shoulder.

“You don't need to explain yourself to me. That you want something is allowed to be justification enough,” Cougar told him, resting his right hand over Jake's on his thigh.

Jake smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Cougar's neck. “Thanks, Cougs,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and enjoying their closeness.

\---

Jake didn't remember getting up to his apartment that night, and in the morning the world existed in varying degrees of agony. Jake's head ached, and his stomach roiled. However, he realized when he moved that he was resting on Cougar's chest.

He took a chance and opened his eyes to see that they were on his bed, and they were both half dressed, as though Cougar gave up in the middle of putting him to bed and just laid down with him.

Cougar's fingers started massaging his aching skull as Jake started to wiggle. “Sorry,” Jake mumbled, before sucking in a sudden breath. “Did you spend the night with me in bed, and I was too drunk to appreciate the gravity of it?” Jake asked, more upset by that than his hangover.

“It did not feel right leaving you,” Cougar said softly, keeping up his gentle touches.

Jake frowned, lifting his head—which felt like it weighed fifty pounds—and looked at Cougar. He didn't look like he'd stayed awake all night watching over Jake, so Jake didn't feel as bad as he would've. “Thank you,” he told him, crawling up enough to kiss Cougar on his sparsely bearded cheek.

Cougar turned his head to catch Jake's lips in a playful kiss, and he used the hand cupping the back of Jake's skull to hold him in place when he tried to pull away. Jake gave in easily, kissing Cougar with pecks and nips.

“You don't need to kiss me when I reek of stale tequila,” Jake told him when he pulled back.

Cougar grinned at him. “I have encountered far worse than your bad breath,” Cougar told him, laughing softly. “You need to shower before work,” he reminded Jake, and Jake groaned.

Cougar sweetened the deal by joining him. Jake was pretty sure that it was more so Jake wouldn't fall over in the shower than for sexy reasons, but that didn't stop Cougar from massaging Jake aching body as they stood in the tub together. Jake groaned as the hot water and Cougar's strong fingers worked the aches out of his muscles.

Cougar was very professional about it. His hands never strayed from Jake's back, and his kisses were light and soothing against Jake's shoulders. However, Jake was not to be deterred. His hands wandered as Cougar worked, and he wrapped his fingers around Cougar's soft cock.

Jake turned in Cougar's arms, stroking him until he became hard. Cougar was uncut, and while Jake hadn't been with anyone still in possession of their foreskin, he went with it. Until, Cougar took his hand and showed him how he liked to be touched.

They exchanged hurried handjobs as they washed each other. Jake loved touching Cougar's body, and wrapping his hand around his cock. The way Cougar tipped his head back and moaned felt like a victory. Cougar wasn't nearly as unaffected by the world as he made everyone think with his stoicism, and Jake loved watching as all of the front slipped away to reveal this Cougar.

Jake rolled back Cougar's foreskin and gently played with the head of his penis, and he wrapped an arm around Cougar when he thought Cougar's legs might give out. Jake wanted to kneel down and put his mouth on Cougar, but he wasn't really sure that he'd be able to get back up. He'd suggested a bath in the big tub, but Cougar firmly told him that Jake wasn't going to be late for work on Cougar's account.

So, Jake moved his hand up and down Cougar's shaft, adjusting the pressure here and there to tip Cougar toward the edge faster and faster. Cougar leaned against the wall and gripped Jake's hips to steady himself, and when he finally came with a strangled groan, he leaned into Jake's body.

Jake didn't think there was anything better about sex than watching Cougar fall apart before his eyes, and knowing he was the reason for it. “Damn Cougs,” Jake whispered, lifting his clean hand up to push a wet strand of Cougar's hair out of his face. Cougar smiled at him and pulled him in for a lingering kiss as he took Jake in his own hand.

Jake was late for work, and it was totally Cougar's fault. It took Jake several minutes to be able to feel his legs after Cougar's handjob. The man had moves that were probably illegal in some states, and Jake just wasn't prepared for it.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Cougar didn't spend the night in Jake's bed regularly after that. He still took the couch or the princess bed depending on his mood. Jake didn't push because while Jake wasn't always great at maintaining them, he did understand boundaries. He'd had so many when he'd come back from war. Erin hadn't understood half of them, but she had tried to keep them nonetheless. So, Jake respected Cougar's because as much as Jake wanted to wake up curled against Cougar's side every morning, he knew that he needed to wait for Cougar to be ready.

Instead, Jake focused on the things Cougar did share with him. Like how Cougar asked if maybe Jensen would take off from work the following Wednesday since Pooch had agreed to cover Cougar's lessons.

Jake cleared it with Agnes right away and waited excitedly for Wednesday to arrive. He assumed it would be another range date or possibly a movie, but when Cougar arrived in his old tactical boots and pack and told Jake to dress comfortably, Jake was a little worried.

He needn't have been because Cougar drove them out to a hiking trail about an hour from their town. They hiked and climbed for hours, exploring the more difficult trails that weren't as frequented by the casual hikers. Jake grinned at Cougar as they easily scaled rock scrambles, urging each other on.

“This feels really good,” Jake said as Cougar took a sip from his canteen before pressing it into Jake's hands. They were standing atop a pass with a beautiful view of the surrounding forest and valley. “I haven't done this sort of thing in ages,” he admitted as he pulling up his shirt to dab at the sweat on his brow.

Cougar hummed his agreement. He was wearing his hat and jeans, but he removed his t-shirt about an hour ago. It wasn't hot out, but the sun was warm, and they were exerting enough energy to be hot and sweaty. Cougar didn't seem to mind that his scars were on full display. They stood out in stark contrast to his tan skin, white stars scattered across the expanse of his chest and back.

“You think we'll run into anyone else out here?” Jake asked surveying the landscape.

“No one who cares about us any more than we care about them,” Cougar told him, flicking a couple drops of water at Jake from the canteen.

“You can just tell me I'm being overly sensitive,” Jake grumbled, tugging his shirt over his head to reveal his pale torso.

“No fun that way,” Cougar countered.

They continued on, pushing each other. Cougar climbed trees to look out and figure out where they were while Jake climbed up rock formations and balanced on fallen trees. It was like being out in the field again without the constant danger of militants or smugglers or anyone else that might want them dead.

They ate lunch on the small blanket that Cougar brought. Sam had packed it for them that morning, and Jake was ecstatic to find pastries for dessert in there with their sandwiches.

“So, get this. I'm thinking of writing a movie script. Robots of course,” Jake started as he laid on his back on the blanket which was spread over a patch of grass on another pass. Cougar was on the edge of the blanket with his back to a tree trunk. He smiled at Jake as Jake detailed the ridiculous plot for the movie he wanted to write.

Even when they finished eating, Cougar seemed perfectly content to stay as long as Jake wanted, and he even crawled over and laid beside him, throwing an arm over Jake's waist. They were both disgusting, covered in sweat and dirt, but Cougar didn't seem to mind cuddling anyway.

“This is pretty awesome, Cougar. Definitely worth taking the day off,” Jake mused, staring up into the trees and the sky beyond them. Jake didn't think the moment could get anymore perfect, then Cougar reached across him into the backpack and pulled out their current book. “Man, you are such a nerd,” Jake laughed as Cougar slapped it against his stomach playfully. “I take it that you want me to read?”

“Sí,” Cougar agreed, letting go of the book to hold Jake securely again.

“You know some people might use this opportunity to have raunchy outdoors sex,” Jake teased him.

Cougar raised an eyebrow at him. “I did not think either of us would want to limp back to the car if we got carried away,” Cougar replied.

“And we always get carried away, gotcha. Maybe when we're closer to the car, I'll rub up against some trees. Entice you with my erotic tree rubbing,” Jake said, scratching his chest lazily.

“You do that.”

Jake chuckled as he pulled out the obnoxious kitten bookmark he'd given Cougar and placed in on his chest. Cougar gave him a gentle squeeze as he started to read, and Jake admitted that this was definitely the best way to spend a spring afternoon.

Jake read several chapters while Cougar rested his eyes beneath the brim of his hat. Jake didn't think for a second that Cougar was sleeping, but Cougar was definitely just as content as he was. When it was starting to get late, they both packed up their tiny picnic and helped each other to their feet.

Cougar pulled Jake in for a quick kiss before pointing them in the direction of their car. Cougar didn't rush them back. In fact, they fooled around and chased each other just as much on the hike back.

As promised, Jake pressed himself against one of the trees Cougar climbed as they were getting close to the car. He rubbed his butt against the bark as he made ridiculous faces at Cougar while Cougar climbed down.

Jake really thought it was working until his pants snagged on a knot in the tree, and he heard them tear. Cougar almost fell out of the tree he was laughing so hard as Jake inspected the seat of his pants with a frown.

“Now you have to do naughty things to me. The tree has spoken, and it even made an easy access hatch for you,” Jake said as Cougar dropped down beside him.

“Loco,” Cougar chuckled, holding Jake's hips in place to assess the damage. Jake shuddered as Cougar's fingers slipped through the tear in the fabric.

“I would've split my pants hours ago if I'd know this was the treatment I'd receive,” Jake told him, glancing over his shoulder to see Cougar shaking his head.

“You are impossible,” Cougar told him, and Jake yelped as Cougar slapped him ass before reaching into his pack to remove a roll of medical tape.

“Hey, what are you doing with that?”

“Closing the 'convenient hatch,' though I should use it on your mouth. You would get into less trouble if you couldn't talk and encourage yourself,” Cougar told him, tearing off a piece and kneeling to close up the hole.

“I was presenting myself to you like a peacock hoping to secure a mate,” Jensen said as though it made complete sense. “It was all very tasteful and romantic.”

“You have already secured me. No need to tear off your pants. I am fully aware of what is beneath them.”

“And you want what's under them, right? My dick does magical things to your brain chemistry, and you're hooked?”

“Sí,” Cougar said gravely.

“Good because my dick's kinda fond of you too,” Jake said, looking over his shoulder where Cougar was adding one more strip of tape to his pants.

Cougar shook his head and patted Jake's thigh. “When we get home,” he said.

Jake thought he understood. Cougar couldn't let his guard down enough to enjoy it sex out here. That's why he brought the book instead, because reading calmed both of their anxieties. They were open to attack no matter how unlikely it was. Jake could relate to that. Maybe the thought of sex in the woods was fun, but in practice he'd probably be as anxious about it as Cougar. Maybe they were more the sex in safe places kind of couple.

“My dick agrees to your terms, but you better make it good for him,” Jake said, turning and helping Cougar to his feet.

Cougar snorted and pulled Jake in for a slow kiss. Jake would never get used to how wonderful kissing Cougar was, and he never wanted to.

Jake had multiple scratches and scrapes from branches and rocks he'd run into or tripped on. Cougar had a couple bruises from heavy landings as well, but both of them broke through the trees at the parking area with wide grins on their faces.

They packed up the car together and Cougar drove them back home. Jake reached over as Cougar drove and laced their fingers. They drove in pleasant silence, glancing at each other from time to time and share private smiles. No words were necessary.

Once they got home, Jake ran them a hot bath and he insisted that they earned tub time. Cougar rolled his eyes at Jake's love of baths, but he changed his tune when Jake sat behind him in the massive tub and massaged his tight muscles. Cougar returned the favor, and they both came close to falling asleep in the tub.

\---

The next day, everything reminded Jake of their date, and he found himself actually taking his lunch hour to drive to Cougar's studio. Cougar didn't have a class at noon, and Jake burst into the studio—a man on a mission. Cougar glanced up from the mat he was sitting on as he went through paperwork.

Jake didn't actually say a word as he tackled Cougar to the mat and started kissing him fiercely. “Can't get you out of my head, Cougs. I almost took my frustrations to the reference section, but then I thought, why settle for the Encyclopedia of Britannica when I can have the real deal?” Jake said between kisses and attempts to divest Cougar of his clothing.

“Not on the mats,” Cougar told him, pushing Jake back and getting to his feet.

Jake scrambled up to follow Cougar into the office, and Cougar switched their positions, pushing Jake down onto the couch and immediately going for his belt. Cougar pulled off Jake's khakis and boxers with little trouble. He didn't bother pulling off Jake's shirt, possibly because Clay or Aisha could walk in at any moment, and Jake was far more shy about his scars than his dick.

Cougar stripped himself from the waist down as well, and lowered his body between Jake's spread thighs. Cougar reached between the cushions under Jake's body and fished out a bottle of lube.

“Wow, what a classy operation you're running here, keeping lube between the cushions,” Jake teased him as Cougar poured some into his palm.

“This is my bed. It was either hidden in the cushions or sitting on the floor for all to see,” Cougar grunted, wrapping his slick hand around both of their straining cocks.

“Fair enough,” Jake said, groaning as Cougar stroked them firmly. “Shit, that feels good. Thank god this is a quickie, or I'd be embarrassed by how fast I'm going to come,” Jake rambled, trying to catch his breath as Cougar increased both speed and pressure.

Cougar kissed him, and Jake suspected it was to shut him up, but he didn't really mind. It would save him the embarrassment of his loose tongue. For how much Cougar claimed he didn't do fast, he seemed to understand that Jake needed to take the edge off or he might go mad, maybe Cougar needed it too.

Cougar pulled back from their kiss to nip his way up Jake's jaw until he was kissing Jake's neck. His goatee sensitized Jake's skin as he brushed against it as Cougar kissed and sucked on the tender flesh.

Jake tugged off his glasses as Cougar continued to kiss him. They just got in the way, and it wasn't like Jake needed to see when Cougar was taking such good care of him. He tossed them into the pile of their clothing before giving himself into their bodies completely.

Jake gripped Cougar's shoulder with one hand and with the other, he gripped Cougar's ass, urging him along. Jake knew how to give as good as he got, but Cougar was something to be experienced. He read Jake like one of their books, and he anticipated exactly what Jake needed.

“Cougs,” Jake said, feeling his body winding up for release.

“What do you need?” Cougar asked, gentling his kisses even as he stroked them harder.

“You, _obviously_ , but I'd like some face kisses too if that's not a prob—ew that's my eyeball,” Jake said as Cougar pressed a wet kiss to his closed right eye.

“You said face kisses,” Cougar told him, smiling down at him, hair falling over his shoulders. So, Jake reached up and tugged on it while narrowing his eyes. Cougar laughed, but he bent to kiss Jake soundly on the lips.

That was more like it—though Cougar's ability to keep sex playful and light even when they were both aching for release was refreshing. Jake had never been a fan of serious sex, but he hadn't found too many reasons to bring levity to the act in the last few years.

“Don't think so much,” Cougar told him, rolling his hips against Jake's to bring his attention to their bodies. Jake appreciated it because Cougar's body felt incredible against his own. Cougar gave them a few more strokes, changing up the pressure, and Jake was lost.

Cougar tipped right over with him, and they gripped each other through their releases, caring little for the mess they made of each others shirts.

Jake sighed contentedly as Cougar lowered himself to rest on Jake's chest. Cougar flicked his nipple which was still standing at attention under the thin material of Jake's shirt, and Jake groaned as it felt like electricity shot through him.

“I don't want to go back to work. We can have round two in like an hour, and we can do the works. I mean, I get that you're closer to the age of little blue pills than I am, maybe an hour and a half. You can skip your classes, and we can just perform research in stimulation of the male g-spot. That's it, we would be doing science. It wouldn't be like playing hooky,” Jake mused animatedly, and he could feel the gentle vibrations of Cougar's laughter as he spoke.

“You love your job, and you would not risk it for sloppy sex in my office, especially when Pooch should be returning with lunch any moment,” Cougar told him, just as Jake heard the bell over the front door ring.

“Shit, why didn't you tell me we might be interrupted?” Jake asked, flipping them so he could get off he couch. Cougar just shrugged and smirked at him as Jake peeled himself off of Cougar with a cringe.

“That is all sorts of gross,” Jake complained because his shirt was definitely stained. He was fast running out of clothing as he continued to put off laundry, but he hoped that he had a spare in the car. He could always claim a coffee spill.

“Your ass is whiter than a glass of milk,” Cougar said playful, slapping Jake's ass cheek as he distractedly bent to grab his boxers off the floor. Jake yelped and rubbed his hand over his butt as he grabbed the closest pair of boxers, not looking to see if they were his.

“Not all of us could be blessed with your radiant tan, Cougar,” Jake complained, realizing that he'd pulled on Cougar's boxers instead of his own, because these ones were definitely lacking duckies on them. He didn't have time to change again, so he tugged on his khakis and threw his own boxers at Cougar who raised an eyebrow at them.

“Sorry, I promise I don't have crotch scum or anything, though you were just very intimate with said crotch, so it's really too late anyway,” Jake told him, and Cougar pulled his boxers on just as Pooch walked into the office with a pizza box.

“Oh hey, Jake...Jesus Cougar!” Pooch shouted, covering his eyes with his free hand as Cougar pulled on his jeans and tugged off his dirty shirt.

Jake was ready to bolt, fearing what Pooch might do. “It's not what it looks like,” Jake insisted, folding his arms over his own stained shirt.

Pooch raised an eyebrow and burst out laughing. “Dude, where Cougar sticks his dick is his own business. I just don't want to see him in action...again,” Pooch told him. “Coug, grab the kid a shirt. He looks like he's sixteen and sneaking out of the janitor's closet,” Pooch called over Jake's shoulder to Cougar, who was going through his bag of clothes.

Cougar came back with a cream colored henley for Jake. Jake had a habit of wearing his shirts ridiculously tight, so Cougar's clothes didn't look any worse on Jake than his own.

“Thanks,” Jake said self-consciously.

Cougar didn't say anything, instead he dipped in and kissed Jake on the cheek before following Pooch to the table where he was putting the pizza down. “Come eat,” Cougar called back to Jake as Jake quickly removed his shirt and replaced it with Cougar's. When Jake turned, Cougar was standing in Pooch's line of sight, so he couldn't have seen Jake switch shirts. It made Jake smile as he walked over to see what kind of pizza they had.

“Is that buffalo chicken?” he asked, mouth watering.

Pooch laughed and handed him a plate with two slices on it. “I really can't stay. I sort of ran past my boss, and told her I really needed lunch, and I'd be right back,” Jake told them, trying to suppress how red his ears were becoming.

Pooch only laughed harder, still offering the plate. “Take it with you. Need to keep up your strength if you're foolin' around with Cougar,” he told him.

“Thanks.” He wondered if his ears could get hot enough to set off the fire alarm because it sure felt that way.

Cougar didn't complain, he leaned over and gave Jake a chaste kiss before slapping him on the ass again.

“It's not that white,” Jake complained, stepping toward the door.

“Kid, I didn't even see it, and I know it's _that_ white,” Pooch joked.

Jake huffed as he stepped out of the office to return to work. His step was lighter though as he left with his pizza, not just because Cougar definitely took the edge off, but because his friend accepted them, and didn't seem to mind Jake.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little fluff...


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely off my posting schedule, and I'm not sure I'll get back on it because the coming weeks are going to be hectic, but I'll post at least once a week from here out. I just don't know what days it will be because my schedule is a mess right now.
> 
> So, this chapter took much longer to post than I'd hoped it would. I've finished writing this story, but in order to do so, I had to rearrange a bunch of things from this chapter onward. Then after rearranging and finishing, editing was a pain because I've read and reread everything so many times to pick up writing where I left off that I needed fresh eyes, so off to my miracle worker (read: beta) Elle it went, and now it's finally a just about finished thing, so here we go.
> 
> Thank you Elle. You're the best!

Jake had meant to tell Erin. He really had. He just kept putting it off because he'd get distracted, or it wouldn't be the right time. Not to mention, all of the things going on in his head lately took up a lot of space and energy, so he didn't have any left to devote to outing his and Cougar's relationship. So, weeks passed and Jake kept forgetting it. Until...

“Jake! Who the hell do these belong to?” Erin shouted from the laundry room.

Jake was in the living room playing dolls with Beth. They had a very intricate story going. Pam, the dark haired Barbie, was in the middle of a government conspiracy, but even though the Russians and the Peruvians were after her, she still needed to get to Skipper's dance recital. So, she needed to fight her way through the evil spy Barbies and even kill the dance teacher because she was an undercover operative. It was all very complicated.

“Jake, get in here now, not ten minutes from now!” Erin called when Jake didn't come immediately.

“But, Erin, Pam is about to face off against the evil dance teacher!” Jake shouted back.

“You're about to face off against me!”

“Coming,” Jake called, pushing off the floor. “Hold that thought, I don't want to miss the showdown,” Jake told Beth before heading to the laundry room.

Jake jogged through the house in just his Grinch boxers and an old drab t-shirt. He'd put laundry day off longer than was advisable.

“What's up, sis?” he asked as he bounced into the room.

Jake got hit in the face by a pair of black boxers before he could come to a halt.

“These clearly don't belong to you, so why the hell are they in my laundry?” she demanded.

“Oh, they're Cougar's. We had a mix up the other day, but I was running late, so I just wore them. They're there because I can't give 'em back without washing them. That'd be unhygienic,” Jake explained, tossing them back onto the pile of his dirty clothes.

“What happened? You run into him so hard your clothes transferred?” She pinched the bridge of her nose. That was never a good sign.

“While that is a most entertaining image, Erin, no. We had sex on my lunch break and I—” Then he bit his lip because he should _not_ have said that. This was not how wanted to tell Erin about their relationship.

“What the hell are you thinking?” she asked, kicking Cougar's boxers away again.

“That it'd be rude to hand him back dirty boxers?” Jake replied, cringing.

Erin just stared at him like he had multiple heads.

“Surprise, I'm dating Cougar,” he said, wincing at how awkward he sounded.

“I can't believe you!”

“I know I'm not big on dating, but I don't find this that unbe—”

“You can't fuck Beth's self-defense instructor. This is out there even for you. I should've known you'd pull something like this when you started bringing her to class.” Erin ranted, throwing his clothing in the washer violently.

“What do you mean this is out there even for me?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

“You do this every time Beth gets into something. The piano teacher. Her first grade teacher.”

“I was most certainly not fucking her piano teacher or her first grade teacher,” Jake told her, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No, you were sabotaging things that Beth enjoyed because you were jealous.”

“No, I wasn't. That teacher was a prick who didn't deserve his certification, and Mrs. Tanner was a bitter old bat that hit Beth's knuckles when she hit a wrong note.” Jensen defended himself.

“Jensen, you're making up shit because you feel like she's leaving you behind when she has new interests, and you can't do that with Cougar. Beth really loves his class, and I will never forgive you if you fuck that up for her.”

“I don't do that. Mrs. Tanner did hit her. How do you think she got that little scar on her pinkie knuckle? She was six. She wasn't bare knuckle boxing,” Jake insisted. “This thing with Cougar is different anyway. We just work.”

“No, Jake. You need to end it before you break his heart, and Beth can't go to class anymore,” Erin told him firmly.

“I'm not going to break his heart. I love him, Erin.”

“Jake—”

“No, Erin, it's different with him,” Jake said, trying to make her understand but not knowing where to start.

“Jake, how long is it going to be like that? A week? A month? You'll get bored, or he'll do something unforgivable like not clean the knife between the peanut butter and the jelly when making a sandwich, and you'll never want to see him again. Remember Trish? She put your Star Trek t-shirt next to your fucking Walkers shirt.”

“That was different.” Jake's voice was small as he said it, memories and shame he tried to forget seeping through the walls he'd put up long ago.

“Jake, she wasn't the only one.”

“I get it, okay. I'm not relationship material, and I'm gonna fuck up Beth's class. Got it,” Jake said, stepping back. He couldn't face all of the messed up relationships he'd attempted to have since coming home. He felt exhausted.

“Jake, it isn't like that.”

“Then what's it like? Because it sounds like I'm not relationship material, and I'm out to sabotage Beth,” Jake retorted, then shook his head. “Nah, I don't care. I'll just take my laundry and go.” He walked forward, gathering his dirty clothes and shoving them back into his bag. “Tell Beth, I'll see her soon.”

“Weren't you playing with her?” Erin asked him, still looking furious, but also sounding concerned that he'd just leave. Jake rarely backed down from fights, his experiences with Cougar were a perfect example of that. So, Erin probably noticed that something was wrong, but Jake wasn't about to spill his troubles to her, not after what she'd just said.

“Well, I'd hate to fuck it up for her since I might get jealous of Barbie's proportions. I'll just be out of everyone's hair,” Jake shot back, walking out through the garage attached to the laundry room.

Jake's hands shook as he drove home in just his boxers and t-shirt. He pulled on a pair of pants from his bag before he got out to head up to his apartment. He lived in the middle of town after all. He didn't want to feed the gossip with his cartoon boxers. They'd only just recently gotten over his embarrassing defeat at Cougar's hands.

Thankfully, the apartment was empty, so Jake dropped his clothes in the entryway, walked into his bedroom, and shut the door. He laid in bed for hours just thinking about what Erin had said. Did he fuck things up for Beth out of jealousy? It didn't feel that way. Mrs. Tanner had been awful. Her teacher had been mean and didn't stand up for her when boys picked on her. Beth told him about it. Was he relationship poison? Trish had seen his scars and hadn't been able to hide her look of horror. Jake was a lot of things, but he had enough self respect that he couldn't be in a relationship with someone who found him repulsive.

The longer Jake laid there the more he began to doubt. Maybe his team had every right to turn on him. He was always fucking things up. What right did he have to date someone like Cougar? He picked fights with him over the littlest things. Cougar didn't deserve to put up with him.

By the time he heard the front door open, he was convinced that this thing with Cougar was a mistake. Cougar didn't come into the bedroom; Jake could hear him in the kitchen, and eventually he could smell whatever delicious dish Cougar was cooking up.

A soft knock came a little while later. “There are enchiladas if you're hungry,” Cougar called through the door. Jake didn't answer, didn't plan on leaving his bed, but knew it was just a matter of time before Cougar came back and forced him to eat something. Jake was starting to hate Cougar's deceased grandmother for the ideals she'd instilled in him.

Jake bit his lip, before pushing off the bed and heading to the kitchen. There was a plate made up for him, so Jake picked it up and grabbed a beer.

Cougar was sitting on the couch watching the news on mute like he always did. Carmen looked unsettled today, and Jake could relate to that. Cougar didn't say anything as Jake took a seat next to him. He didn't even look up at Jake, just handed him a napkin because Jake always forgot to grab one. Jake sighed.

“You're troubled,” Cougar noted, without turning away from the news.

“It's nothing. I'll get over it,” Jake told him, taking a bite of his food. It tasted like nothing to him. “This a new recipe?”

“No.”

“Tastes different,” Jake said. Cougar turned to him and raised an eyebrow at that assessment. “Not bad...just...different?” Jake cringed at how unappreciative he sounded. “Maybe it's me. I could be coming down with something. Do you know how many diseases affect your palate? It's a lot of them. How awful is that? As though it's not bad enough that you're ill, now you can't enjoy the best parts of life like cheeseburgers,” Jake rambled.

“It's okay if you do not like it,” Cougar told him, turning back to the television.

“No, I love your cooking. I'm just possibly dying here.”

Cougar snorted and pulled Jake closer to him. Jake went with it and ended up leaning against Cougar's side. Cougar picked up a bit of his food with his fork and fed it to Jake.

“Still taste weird?” Cougar asked.

“What is taste?” Jake asked, trying to nip at Cougar's fingertips.

“What's on your mind, querido?” Cougar asked, rubbing Jake's shoulder.

“What does that mean? You call Beth that too,” Jake deflected, though he had wondered and never looked it up.

“It is an endearment. Dear or darling, someone who has your affection,” Cougar explained.

“Ah, that makes sense, I guess.”

“You are avoiding my question.”

“Yeah, I am. I'm not really all that certain what's wrong exactly, but when I figure it out, I'll let you know,” Jake told him, resting his head on Cougar's shoulder.

“I understand,” Cougar told him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “If you'd prefer to be alone...”

“No, I want you close. I think better when you're here. Fewer pesky doubts when you're making my place your own.”

“No doubts. I will always be here for you,” Cougar told him.

“So this isn't just a brief escape for you before you go back?”

“Back?”

“Yeah, like to your family or wherever Clay wants to cause havoc...”

Cougar sighed, and Jake could tell that Cougar gleaned a lot of what was on Jake's mind just from that question. “Let's go to bed,” Cougar said instead of answering.

“Now who's avoiding the question,” Jake mumbled, but he let Cougar get up and drag him to his bedroom.

“Not avoiding anything,” Cougar retorted, pulling Jake down the hall to his room, onto the bed, slowly stripping him of his t-shirt and pants. Cougar lost his clothing in much the same fashion, and pulled Jake against his body before covering them with the sheet.

“I'm not going to be able to sleep, Cougar. Too much on my mind,” Jake told him.

“Then I will.”

For such a simple phrase, it packed a serious punch. This was Cougar's answer. Maybe he couldn't promise forever, but he was admitting that this was not just a fling. Cougar put enough trust in Jake to sleep beside him, and he put enough hope in himself.

“You'll stay the night with me?”

“If I make it through the night,” Cougar told him, and Jake could live with that.

“I'll watch over you,” Jake told him as Cougar closed his eyes.

Jake didn't think he was going to get a wink of sleep, but Cougar's unwavering presence seemed to banish his negative thoughts. Jake slowly found himself drifting off as he curled within Cougar's arms.

Unfortunately, not even an hour later, Jake jolted awake covered in sweat, heart racing. He tried to control his breathing and calm himself before he woke Cougar, but it was futile. Cougar had been trained to wake at the drop of a hat, and before Jake could take two gulps of air, Cougar was running his fingers through Jake's matted hair, whispering soothingly.

Jake hated that tonight of all nights he was having a nightmare, when he hadn't had one for months. Jake's anxieties and fears usually manifested in insomnia. Jake wasn't afraid to sleep as Cougar often was; he just couldn't shut his brain off to do it.

This was a grade A nightmare though. Jake gritted his teeth, but Cougar's hand found its way to his jaw and cupped it until Jake released the pressure. Cougar didn't say anything particularly distinguishable, but his murmurs were actually calming, providing a white noise of sorts to blanket Jensen's thoughts.

“My sister doesn't want us to date,” Jake blurted out as his body's exhaustion loosened his tongue.

“Qué?” Cougar asked, clearly forgetting to switch back over to English.

“She thinks I'm going to break your heart and ruin things for Beth in the process. She's probably right. I'm not good at this stuff. You deserve someone who doesn't pick fights with complete strangers over the affections of his ten year old niece. You deserve someone who can give you fat babies whose hair you can braid when they get older. You deserve someone who can cook for you when you're tired and not risk the chance of food poisoning. You deserve—”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no.”

“It's all true, Cougs. My best qualities are all illegal. I'm just as broken as you are, and as much as I enjoy our evenings reading together, neither of us are getting any better because of it. Then there's the fact that you aren't as out as you want to be, and I'm not as recovered as I'd like the world to believe, and it's just a big cocktail of suck that's only going to get worse and worse until we're just codependent and pulling each other down instead of propping each other up. Then there will be resentment and anger, and we'll fight instead of reading. We'll hurl insults at each other instead of sparring. We'll roll over when the other one has a nightmare, and that will be the loneliest existence I can imagine,” Jake said, refusing to look up at Cougar even in the darkness.

“No,” Cougar said, his voice steady and vehement.

“You can't just say 'no' like that one word is going to stop all of what I said from being true,” Jake argued, pushing himself off Cougar's chest and looking directly at him.

“None of it is true. It isn't your job to fix me, nor I you. Without our own scars we'd never understand each others.  Erin does not get to say whether we choose to be with each other or not,” Cougar told him, scars reflecting silver in the moonlight.

“You don't understand. Her and Beth, they're all I've got...”

“Sí, I let my family believe I was dead even when I wanted nothing more than to sit with my head in my mother's lap and confess my sins to her, so she could forgive me. I can't imagine what it would be like never to eat her cooking again. Never to read my nieces and nephews bedtime stories again,” Cougar said bitterly.

“I can't replace all of that.”

“I'm not asking you to.”

“But that's what you really want. You don't want a mess of a former soldier who works days in an empty library. You cook every night enough for a whole family. You work with kids because you miss children. You want a family, but I'm just one guy. I can't be it all for you,” Jake told him miserably.

“I want _you_. I've spent most of my life alone in one way or another. If I didn't want you completely, I would've remained alone. I do not know how else to prove it to you. I love you whether you choose to believe me or not,” Cougar said, holding Jake to his body.

Jake froze. No one but Beth and Erin ever said that to him. Even ex-girlfriends never told him that.

“I don't know how to trust anyone with this much of me,” Jake said, pressing his face to Cougar's shoulder, unable to face him even in the dark. “You make me happy, and I love being with you, but I'm always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Erin has a point. I don't like to hear it, but I'm not made for this stuff. You'd probably be better off alone,” Jake told him, making a fist against Cougar's chest.

Jake wasn't expecting Cougar to roll him onto his back, and it startled him to attention. He looked up into Cougar's eyes in the darkness. Cougar's hands rested on either side of his head, but he didn't hold Jake down. Jake was free to escape if he needed to.

“How are you not good? You help me through my troubles. You share your interests with me. You are supportive, but you set boundaries. How are you no good at this?” Cougar asked him.

“It's never worked out before.”

“I am not them. If it had worked with them, I would not be here with you.”

“But...”

“No one's previous relationships are without faults,” Cougar told him patiently, though there was a hint of steel in his tone.

“How are you so chill about this when I'm having a crisis?”

“I trust you.”

Jake gulped. That was big. Cougar may have said it before, and his actions may have indicated it to some degree, but right then it was an unshakable truth. Jake couldn't detect a hint of hesitation in Cougar's voice, and it was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.

“Okay, you trust me. Like I said, I'm not so good at that,” Jake said, sighing at his own shortcomings.

“You trust me,” Cougar told him with possibly enough confidence for the both of them.

“How are you so sure?”

“You would not let me near your niece if you didn't trust me. You wouldn't let me sleep in the same apartment as her. You wouldn't have stayed at the range with me if you didn't trust me. You wouldn't let me kiss your scars. You trust me more than you know,” Cougar said slowly, punctuating the last statement with a kiss to the scar slashed across Jake's belly. “It terrifies you, but you still trust me.”

Jake paused and thought, his hand going to Cougar's hair by its own volition. All of those things were true, but they didn't mean he trusted Cougar not to break his heart or make him feel like he didn't deserve anything good in the world. Jake had felt all of that before at the hands of too many people. It wasn't that he didn't want to trust. It was just so hard to now.

Cougar's kisses trailed lower, over the soft hair that led beneath Jake's boxers. It was a surprising move. Cougar never reverted to sex instead of conversation with Jake. Jake had no doubt that Cougar had made former lovers forget everything—possibly even their own names—with sex, but he'd never used sex as a tool before with Jake. Jake wasn't sure that's what he was doing now either, but he was willing to find out what Cougar had to say with his body.

“Do my insecurities make you horny?” Jake couldn't help but ask. For the record, Jake did not appreciate the snort Cougar made against his belly.

Cougar didn't answer with words. Instead, he hooked his fingers in the waistband of Jake's boxers and tugged them down enough to tongue at Jake's hip bones. Jake released a soft whimper. Cougar had clearly chosen to fight dirty, but Jake wasn't sure exactly how to fight back, because he didn't actually want Cougar to stop.

Cougar didn't require a response as he moved to the other hip just the same. He nipped at it, causing Jake to shiver. Cougar knew his body well. “You're not playing fair.”

“Never do,” Cougar said before moving back to the trail above Jake's erection. He kissed Jake's pubic bone while he tugged off Jake's boxers completely.

Jake looked down at him, seeing nothing but Cougar's outline in the darkness. He could feel that Cougar's hair was down, hanging over his shoulders as it brushed against the tops of Jake's sensitive thighs. He could feel Cougar's goatee tickle the base of his cock as he kissed Jake just above it. He could feel Cougar's fingers trace patterns on to his skin. He couldn't see anything. He couldn't read any of Cougar's telegraphed movements. He couldn't determine what Cougar planned to do to him. Still, Jake didn't stop him.

Because he trusted him.

“You're a bastard,” Jake said, throwing his arm over his face.

He could feel Cougar smirk against his skin. However, that smirk quickly turned to kisses that trailed along his erection to the head of it. Cougar took him into his mouth, rolling his tongue over the crown like he was licking something particularly tasty off a spoon. Jake gripped at the sheets, toes curling.

Cougar took more of him in, using just enough pressure to drive Jake insane without pulling him too close to finishing. Jake reached down to bury his fingers in Cougar's hair, but he couldn't bring himself to push Cougar on. He just took comfort in touching Cougar in any way he could.

“Lube?” Cougar asked, pulling back only enough to free his tongue, but his breath still ghosted across the head of Jake's cock.

Jake bit his lip. “Sock drawer,” he told him after a long moment.

Once again for the record, Jake did not appreciate Cougar's snort.

“Hey, at least I don't shove it between the couch cushions,” Jake shot back, though it was more playful that upset.

“Why sock drawer?” Cougar asked, getting off the bed to collect it, though he kissed the inside of both Jake's thighs before he went.

“Beth says my socks stink, and would never go in there, but it's still pretty accessible,” Jake told him, stroking himself slowly in Cougar's absence.

Jake didn't need the lights on to know Cougar was giving him an understanding nod. He could hear him digging through the drawer then closing it. Jake took a slow breath as he waited for Cougar to return to him. It had been a long time since Jake had done this, and he wasn't exactly sure how he wanted it to play out.

“Trust me,” Cougar said softly, positioning himself between Jake's thighs again. Jake suddenly realized that he'd been speaking aloud instead of in his head. He hated that.

“I'm trying.”

Cougar kissed the inside of Jake's leg beside his knee. He ran his fingers over Jake's thighs, following their trails with his palms.

“Would you rather take the lead?” Cougar asked, though Jake read between the lines.

“I don't know,” he admitted. He didn't think he was in the right mind to make it good for both of them, at least not as good as he wanted it to be. He didn't want to be a disappointment for Cougar. After their first date, Jake didn't doubt he could show Cougar true pleasure, just not tonight. However, he also wasn't sure he was in the right mind to give Cougar the go ahead to go for it.

“Are you afraid I will hurt you?” Cougar asked softly, never stopping his tender caresses but moving up toward Jake's head.

“No. I know it'll be awesome. Like fireworks and raucous applause kind of good.”

“Do you not want to take this there?” Another whisper followed by a soft kiss to Jake's shoulder.

“No, I've wanted this _way_ before I even thought I had a chance with you. Like so many dirty thoughts featuring you in all sorts of sexy positions. Assumed we'd do it sooner actually,” Jake said, recalling some of the things he'd dreamed up.

“Are you afraid you don't deserve this?” He kissed Jake's chest.

“Well, yeah most of the time, but that's nothing new.”

“Is it that you can't see me?” He pressed his cheek to Jake's belly.

Jake paused. Jake had been the biggest supporter of lights off sex until Cougar showed up, but so much of Cougar's actions, movements, expressions were important to understanding the man. Cougar in the dark was a ghost. He was quiet. He was patient. It was almost impossible to figure out what he was up to. If any of Jake's former lovers or—god forbid—his former teammates had been as stealthy as Cougar, Jake would probably never turn the lights off again during sex or any other time.

“It's not that I don't trust you to do whatever. I just like to be able to watch you do it, I think,” Jake reasoned.

“Then turn the light on, I won't stop you,” Cougar said, taking Jake in his mouth again. Jake reached out with shaky hands to flick the light on as Cougar took the length of him, wrapping his hand around what he couldn't easily swallow. Jake moaned as he switched on the light with his fingertips. Cougar massaged his testicles as he gave Jake an incredible blowjob.

Jake looked down to find Cougar looking back up at him with fire in his eyes. Jake could never doubt Cougar as long as he could see the passion and protectiveness in his gaze. Maybe that wasn't full trust if he needed to be able to see it, but that's what Jake could give, and Cougar didn't seem to mind it.

Cougar worked his hand over Jake's shaft while he paid attention to the head with his tongue. Jake bit his lip as he watched Cougar take him down again, almost taking all of him. Even being able to see the marks covering his stomach didn't take away from how Cougar was making him feel. It was so strange to Jake that pleasure could coexist with his scars.

Jake let his legs fall open further, and Cougar wasted no time pulling his hands back to open the lube while he continued to move his mouth over Jake's cock. Jake gasped as Cougar pressed a thumb to his hole. The pressure sent sparks up Jake's spine. Cougar didn't try to penetrate him, just kept up the steady pressure then gave his thumb a little shake which had Jake moaning loudly.

Cougar clearly knew what he was doing because he took his time and teased Jake just so. Every touch and lick was deliberate, and it drove Jake mad.

Jake liked having his ass played with. He couldn't help it. It made him tingle and his stomach do that sexy swoopy thing that made his balls tighten. It was an all around glorious thing, and Cougar was doing his best give him that.

Jake gasped when Cougar took the pressure away only to bring it right back, insistent enough to penetrate Jake's rim the barest amount. The digit worked in a circular motion, and Jake felt his entire body pull tight. Jake knew Cougar was watching him, and he was helpless to reveal just how much he enjoyed what Cougar was doing.

Cougar pressed his finger further before Jake's body could betray him by climaxing before they were ready. He'd switched to his index finger when he'd pulled back and the slick finger sank into Jake easily. Jake stared at the ceiling for a good minute getting himself under control even as Cougar seemed determined to drive him mad with pleasure.

He prepped Jake slowly, never neglecting his cock for long, kissing everything within reach. Jake watched him, unable to look away as Cougar feasted on his pleasure like a starved man. His eyes showing how much every gasp and moan meant to him.

When Jake was loose enough, and Cougar's jaw must have been getting sore, Cougar took Jake's hands and pulled him up. He leaned over the side of the bed as Jake sat in front of him. He came back with his wallet and removed a condom from some internal pocket. Jake watched him tear the package open, but before Cougar could roll it on, Jake took it from him.

He held it in one hand while he reached out and stroked Cougar with the other, carefully retracting the foreskin as he went. He loved the way Cougar's entire body shook at his touch. Cougar wasn't immune to Jake's talents either, and Jake refused to let him have all the fun. He leaned down to take Cougar in his mouth, sucking gently on the foreskin and causing Cougar to cry out.

“That okay?”

“Intense, but good,” Cougar gasped, resting his hand on the back of Jake's head. Jake took that as an invitation to do it again, and Cougar's reaction was no less beautiful than the first time.

Jake pulled back and carefully rolled the condom onto Cougar's cock. Cougar handed him the lube, and Jake poured a dab into his palm before stroking Cougar a few more times.

Cougar was kneeling on the bed with his butt balanced on his heels. Jake assumed he planned to take Jake from behind, but when Jake moved to get onto his hands and knees, Cougar tugged him close.

“You on top,” Cougar told him, lying down on his back. Jake looked at him and slowly smiled.

“Gonna make me do all the work, huh?” Jake asked, moving so Cougar could stretch out his legs. They hung over the side of the bed, but they had plenty of room. Jake straddled Cougar as Cougar held himself steady.

They maintained eye contact as Jake slowly sank onto Cougar's cock, taking him inch by inch. Jake kept his hands on Cougar's chest to steady himself, and Cougar placed his hand over Jake's.

Jake appreciated Cougar's encouraging smile when he had to take a moment before he could take the rest of Cougar. However, once Jake adjusted, he was ready to go. Cougar squeezed his hand to keep Jake from getting carried away as he pushed himself up only to sink back down quickly.

Cougar didn't sit back and let Jake do the work. He lifted his hips and shifted them to give Jake the best angles. Jake set a punishing rhythm from the start, and Cougar never backed down, meeting him thrust for thrust. He never let go of Jake's hand either. Jake loved every second of it.

Jake wasn't wearing his glasses, not that he needed them to see Cougar this close, but the rest of the room was fuzzy, keeping Jake's focus strictly on them.

Cougar reached forward with the hand not holding Jake's and began to stroke Jake's bobbing cock to the rhythm of Jake's movements. Jake tipped his head back and bit his lip as he felt the pleasurable tightness in his belly.

His legs were beginning to burn, but he didn't slow his pace. It felt too good to slow. Cougar was watching him like he'd hung the stars, in awe if slightly dazed, and Jake refused to let that expression fade.

However, as his thighs got tight, he faltered just a moment, and before he knew what was happening, Cougar gripped him around the waist and pulled himself up to a seated position. Jake rocked back and was suspended over the edge of the bed in Cougar's lap. Cougar held his hips firmly and began to pump up into him with enough force to shake Jake to the core.

Jake cried out at the sudden change in angle which took Cougar deeper and wrung out every breath Jake desperately tried to take. Jake gripped Cougar's shoulders, though Cougar held him securely considering the precarious position. He glanced down at where their bodies came together, and it was a mistake because it stole what little air he was taking.

His eyes rose to watch Cougar who looked like this was a stroll in the park. His jaw was set, but his eyes were soft, and he rolled his hips like he wasn't supported almost two hundred pounds of Jake in his lap.

It was all wonderfully disorienting, and Cougar had to tell him three times to stroke himself before Jake pried his hand off of Cougar's shoulder and reached down between them. He whimpered at his own touch as his body was so close to the edge.

When Jake didn't take himself in hand quick enough, Cougar shifted Jake's weight to rest all against his left arm and used his right to wrap around Jake's hand over his cock. Cougar and Jake stroked him together as Cougar's hips continued to rock.

Jake felt his balls tighten, and it was all over. He was aware of nothing but the overwhelming pleasure that seized his body as it clamped down on Cougar. He felt weightless, and the pleasure in his gut spread through him in strong waves that left him swaying and loose. Jake didn't know if the roaring in his ears was his blood or his voice crying out his completion.

The first coherent thought he had as he finally came down was that he was sagged against something firm. When he opened his eyes, he realized that it was Cougar. He head was resting on Cougar's shoulder and very close to his nose was a streak of come.

“Did I actually hit your clavicle? Never got it that far before. Usually, I'm a dribbler,” Jake mumbled. His limbs still felt too heavy to move.

Cougar chuckled, and the rumble of his laughter shook Jake until he finally lifted his head, only to find that he'd actually hit Cougar's beard, and it had dripped down onto his clavicle.

Jake felt his cheeks flame, but Cougar continued to laugh softly lifting his hand to cup Jake's cheek and pull him in for a sweet kiss.

“Please tell me you got off too while I was off in space, because I'm going to die of embarrassment if I got you in the face, and you didn't even get off,” Jake said, wiggling a little in Cougar's lap.

Cougar gripped his back tight and held him in place even though the movement sent pleasant shocks up Jake's spine.

“I did,” Cougar told him, kissing him again. “It was very intense.”

Jake realized his wiggling was too much for Cougar and tried to relax his body. Still, Cougar didn't pull out immediately, and he continued to kiss Jake while they both continued to experience the last tremors of their orgasms.

Jake was half asleep again by the time Cougar moved him back onto the covers. Jake blinked a few times, trying to watch Cougar as he cleaned up. Predawn light was coming through the window, and Jake was glad that he didn't have work today because he was spent.

Cougar climbed back into bed with him, and Jake lifted his arm to wrap it around Cougar, but just ended up flopping it back down sleepily. He felt Cougar lift the heavy limb and settle into Jake's embrace, letting Jake spoon him.

“I'm always going to have doubts,” Jake mumbled.

“I know. I will try to put them to rest when I can,” Cougar promised, squeezing Jake's hand gently.

Neither of them said anything else, drifting back to sleep as morning approached.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was worth the wait. 
> 
> I'd say we're getting close to the end, but there are still like seven chapters left. It just feels that way for me because I finished writing it.


	20. Chapter 20

Jake didn't wake again until he heard someone knocking on his front door. He still had his arm wrapped around Cougar, and the former sniper seemed just as recently woken as himself.

“I'll get it,” Cougar said. His voice was rough, and he didn't sound happy about leaving bed at all.

“You're the best Cougs. Were this ancient times, I would sing an epic in your honor in the town square,” Jake said, watching Cougar get off the bed. He was just as beautiful in the morning, or perhaps noon light. Jake mentally told his body to behave as Cougar tugged on his jeans sans underwear then pulled on his tank top.

Jake waited a couple minutes for Cougar to return, and just when he was starting to worry, Cougar appeared in the doorway. Jake rolled and snatched up his glasses from the table so as better to see him, and Cougar was leaning patiently against the door frame.

“What's wrong?” Jake asked. Cougar looked smug actually, not like there was something dire going on.

“Beth insists on seeing that you are alright,” Cougar told him, pushing away from the wall and walking to Jake's chest of drawers.

“Why the smug face then?” Jake asked, pulled the covers back and catching the pajama pants and t-shirt Cougar tossed at him.

“Your sister was shocked that I answered the door,” Cougar told him, leaning over the bed and kissing Jake's head.

“Oh... _oh_. What did you say to her?” Jake asked, pulling on his pants, so Beth could come in.

“Nothing.”

“I bet she didn't like that smug look you've still got going. Are the sheets icky? I shouldn't let Beth in here. We did things in here,” Jake said.

“Sheets are fine, lube is with the socks, and condom is buried in the bathroom trash,” Cougar told him, moving toward the door again.

Jake bit his lip. He didn't actually want to get out of bed, and Beth wouldn't know they slept together. Cougar went back out, and in a moment Beth was bounding into the room.

“Uncle Jake, are you okay?” she asked jumping onto the bed with him. Cougar appeared in the doorway behind her looking fond.

“Yeah, I think I'm okay, Beth,” Jake assured her.

“I heard you and mom talking, and she was so mean! You and Cougar are the best,” she told him, curling up against his side.

“Your mom waiting outside, Microchip?” he asked.

“Yeah, but don't worry. She can wait. She made me wait until this morning to come see you,” Beth said, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug.

“You shouldn't make her wait, Bethy.”

“But it's Sunday. We always hang out on Sunday,” Beth told him.

Jake sighed. “I don't think I'll be the best company right now,” Jake told her.

Beth looked at him then back at Cougar. “What's wrong with Uncle Jake?” she asked Cougar. Cougar looked at Jake over her shoulder, and Jake just waited to see what he'd say.

“He's not feeling well, Querida. How would you like it if I fixed us some lunch before you go home?” he asked, tilting his head in the direction of the kitchen.

“Is it like when you felt sick and we watched movies?” she asked, squeezing Jake once more before getting off the bed and following Cougar.

“A bit like that, yes,” Cougar responded, turning toward the front door again as he left the room. Beth closed the door behind her, and Jake could vaguely hear Cougar inviting his sister to have lunch with the two of them.

Jake didn't know what Cougar was going to say to her or not say to her during lunch, but he didn't really care right then. He was still feeling emotionally tender from the day before, and he didn't want to face Erin yet. He trusted Cougar not to go off on his sister. Cougar had more tact than that. That was more something Jensen would do.

Instead of joining them, Jake pulled one of his laptops out of his closet and set about getting some work done while he spent the day in his pajamas. Beth brought his lunch to him. It was leftover enchiladas from the night before, and somehow Cougar got them just as tasty the second time around. Well, he assumed as much because he hadn't really tasted much the night before, but these were delicious.

“How's it goin' out there?” Jake asked as Beth watched him take his first bite.

“Awkward. Mom keeps looking at Mr. Cougar all weird, and Mr. Cougar is quieter than he always is. That's _really_ quiet,” she told him, snitching a bite off his plate. Jake narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything about her thievery.

“Not the confetti and party hats we'd imagined, huh?” Jake said.

“Why doesn't she like you guys together?” she asked him, settling in instead of getting ready to get back to the kitchen.

“It's something you'll get when you're older, Beth. She's known me long enough to know my bad qualities as much as my good ones,” Jake told her.

“But Mr. Cougar has bad qualities too,” Beth insisted.

“What? I thought he was perfect,” Jake said, shocked she had anything negative to say about Cougar.

“He smells bad when we have late classes and he's always damp.”

Jake couldn't contain his laughter. He almost choked on his food as he laughed uncontrollably.

“Oh my god. Cougar! Cougar!” he dragged the last one out. Beth hit him in the shoulder to shut him up, but he couldn't stop himself.

Cougar and Erin rushed in through the door, both looking alarmed.

“Cougar, you smell,” he announced, still giggling as Beth tried to shut him up with violence.

Cougar gave him a confused look.

“She said it,” Jake said, pointing to Beth who grabbed his finger and denied the allegation.

Cougar raised an eyebrow.

“I swear it. She said you smell during night classes, and you're always really sweaty.”

“I take it back, Uncle Jake. You're the worst,” Beth told him, but Jake didn't believe it for a second. He pulled her into a tight hug as he continued to chuckle about her assessment of Cougar.

Cougar didn't say anything, just shook his head as he came in to collect Jake's forgotten lunch. He pressed a kiss to Jake's forehead then Beth's before retreating back to the doorway.

“Come on, Beth. We should get going,” Erin told her daughter, not making eye contact with Jake as she waved Beth along.

Beth gave Jake one last punch before following her mom and Cougar out of the room. Jake heard them saying their goodbyes to Cougar before the front door was opened and closed again.

Cougar came back into the room a few minutes later carrying two mugs of coffee. He put them down on the nightstand then quickly dropped his jeans and pulled his shirt off.

“Naked party?” Jake asked, watching his every move with great interest.

Cougar shrugged, climbing back into bed before handing Jake a mug of coffee. Jake took a sip, and was pleasantly surprised to find it was his favorite roast.

“Erin tell you which bag to make?” he asked, reaching over to twine their fingers together.

“Yes.”

“What else did she tell you?” Jake was a little nervous to hear what his sister might have said, but he needed to know.

“She wanted to know what my intentions were.” Cougar sipped his own drink, but glanced at Jake.

“She didn't, don't lie.” Cougar gave him a look. “Really? What'd you say?” Jake asked, squeezing Cougar's fingers.

“I told her that my intention was to not let you starve to death since I'd seen what was in your cupboards.”

Jake laughed. He could see Cougar telling her that, all grave, and Erin being completely fed up with his shit. “She say anything else?”

“She told me not to hurt you. What she said to you yesterday was probably very hurtful, but she is worried for you,” Cougar said, lifting Jake's fingers to kiss his knuckles.

Jake nodded, leaning until he could rest his head on Cougar's shoulder. They sat drinking their coffee for a long time before Jake spoke.

“When it happened, well I thought I was going to die, but even after, I never imagined it would have this much impact on my life, you know?” Jake said, looking down into his empty cup.

Cougar didn't say anything, but Jake knew he was listening.

“I figured, I'd heal, and I'd get my medical discharge, and I'd go home and go back to school or something. But then there were nightmares, then the panic attacks started which were even worse, then the flashbacks. I was so naive. Even with over a hundred stitches holding my body together, I was so foolishly optimistic about what came next. Hell, I wasn't even that upset at first. I thought those guys were dicks, and they did a dick thing. But they weren't just dicks. They were awful, and they wanted to see me suffer, all because they were doing something wrong and didn't want to get caught, and my brain knew that and won't let me forget it.”

Cougar took Jake's mug and placed it on the nightstand again before wrapping his arm around Jake's shoulders and pulling him to his body. Jake let Cougar lead his hand to the tattoo on his chest, his heart beating steadily beneath their fingers.

“I had to live with Erin when I came home because I couldn't make it on my own. I didn't want to be a burden, but she wouldn't even entertain me living elsewhere. I made Beth cry almost every day by being a klutz or breaking down over the littlest stuff, but Erin wiped up our tears and set things to rights. But...everything was different. Things I'd never thought about before were suddenly glaring at me. Like, we had to stay in a hotel over night because my one doctor was far away, and I went to flush the toilet, and Erin found me under the sink because it was so loud, and I wasn't expecting it. She had to flush for me the rest of the trip, so I didn't have a panic attack.

“And then there was my body. I'd always been in good shape growing up. I'd walk around with my shirt off or in just my boxers all the time. Then suddenly the sight of my own body made me sick. I still hate looking in the mirror. That's hell on a physical relationship. It was hell on me. I couldn't even masturbate with my shirt off because seeing them just kind of killed the mood.

“Anyway, as you can imagine, any relationships I tried to have suffered from everything I'd been through. Still do. And the worst part is that I still don't have a clue what it was all for. They classified the whole thing above my clearance, and they wouldn't even tell me who spoke on my behalf. I nearly died, and I still don't know why, and I'm not being arrogant when I say I'm a damn good hacker. There's nothing in the Army's records about it. Kept it paper then burned it or something. I could never find closure,” Jake finished. His blunt nails dug into Cougar's chest.

“I will talk to Clay if you like. He may know things,” Cougar offered, stroking his fingers through Jake's hair.

“No offense, but I think Clay is the last person I want help from,” Jake told him.

“I understand. I am sorry for all you—”

“You don't need to say it. You're still here. I just...I get why Erin's upset. I know I haven't been a good boyfriend. I know I had no right being in a relationship when I came home, and I know I can get jealous over Beth. But I don't know how to show her that I'm ready for this, and that I can do this.”

“You don't need to show her. You need to show me, talk to me when things aren't right, and work with me. Erin is smart. She will see that you are in a stable relationship.”

“But what if she's right?”

“She isn't.”

“You're always so sure,” Jake grumbled, though Cougar's certainty soothed him immensely.

Cougar nodded against Jake's head, pressing kisses to it softly. Jake just stayed against his chest, not wanting to face the world at all that day. Instead, Cougar collected their books and read to him for several hours.

He took short breaks to roll on top of Jake and kiss him simply because he could. Jake would cling to him for minutes either kissing Cougar back or just letting Cougar show his affections without interruption.

\---

Things didn't get any less shaky with Erin. She didn't apologize for her words. She let Beth see Jake, but she kept back when they traded her daughter off for the afternoon or class. Jake felt like he and his sister were getting a divorce instead of having a misunderstanding the way she wouldn't speak to him. She spoke to Cougar. She'd even joked with him after class if he was picking Beth up.

Jake didn't know what she was really angry about. At first, he thought that maybe she was jealous, that perhaps she'd liked Cougar like all the other single moms. He brushed that aside though because Erin had never waited around for something to fall into her lap. If she'd wanted Cougar, she would've made a move before Jake knew he existed.

He'd thought maybe she wasn't as okay with him dating men as she'd led him to believe. Maybe she'd told her daughter it was okay, but really it was only okay for other people, not family. That would've been something their mom would say.

Jake didn't know, and that only made the tension worse because he didn't know how to fix it. He knew not to try to use Beth to solve the problem because Erin would only get angrier at that. He tried asking Cougar, but Cougar didn't have any advice.

“She will come around,” he said every time Jake asked him to spy for him.

So, Jake waited. It didn't help that he was still feeling off from what she'd said. If anything he should've been the one demanding an apology. He should've been the one avoiding her, but he'd never been any good at that.

Cougar was left handling his bouncing moods. One day he'd be hyper and affectionate, pressing Cougar into the mattress and showing him just how much he appreciated him. The next he'd be picking fights with Cougar for reasons he didn't even understand. Cougar weathered it all. If Jake was particularly wound up, he'd leave his fort on the couch and follow Jake to bed, either wearing him out to the point that sleep was inevitable or kissing him and cuddling him until his mind let up its harsh grasp.

Jake apologized every day. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he wasn't in control of how his mind worked. If he was, he'd turn off the part that gave him nightmares and panic attacks. Instead, he was left plowing through it all with little finesse.

Cougar took it in stride. He never made snide comments about the kind of mood Jake was in when he got home. He never faltered when Jake's mood changed in the blink of an eye. He even took his lunch breaks at the library every day, making sure that Jake ate and wasn't getting overwhelmed.

Jake remembered how Erin had always been there for him through the emotional mine fields. He knew that Erin worried that he wouldn't find someone who would be there for him through everything, but that just made him more confused about her reaction to him and Cougar. Jake had never had a more supportive boyfriend or girlfriend.

When Jake couldn't take it anymore, he sought Erin out. He was afraid of confronting her, but he needed answers before his brain had a meltdown.

He caught her running errands like she did every Saturday while Beth was in class. He cornered her in the ice cream aisle mostly because he figured that he would probably want ice cream after talking to her.

Jake could tell he startled her by the way she jumped when he pointed out Beth's favorite flavor in the case Erin was looking in.

“You don't have any groceries,” Erin pointed out. She was definitely too sharp for his schemes.

“Yeah, I'll probably just grab some junk food after this,” Jake said, shrugging his massive shoulders.

“What do you want, Jake?” she asked, closing the door of the freezer without taking any ice cream.

“I can't wrap my head around why you're mad at me, and it's messing me up,” Jake said, crossing his arms. He felt awkward having this conversation in the supermarket, but he didn't know where else to do it without Beth around.

“I'm not trying to mess you up, Jakey,” Erin said, sighing.

“Why are you pissed at me then? Why is it so infuriating that I'm in a relationship with Cougar?”

“It's not that you're in a relationship. It's that you're hiding things again. You're never honest with me about anything, and it's exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to help someone when you don't know what's wrong? I can clearly remember every time something I did set you off when you came home, Jake. I remember your face when you'd start to panic or slip into a flashback. But you didn't want to talk about it.

“Hiding your pain and your problems has always been your style. Even when mom and dad were around, you'd hide the dishes you accidentally broke or that stupid picture frame you made out of popsicle sticks but dropped before you could show mom. You've been hiding things from me forever, Jake. I took care of you, but I still can't honestly say what happened to you.

“I've watched you go through partners, but you've always lied about what led to the breakup, so what am I supposed to feel now? You've clearly been dating Carlos for a while, but you've been hiding it. What am I supposed to think when you've always hidden the bad things from me? Am I supposed to think everything's okay when history is the exact opposite? Am I supposed to just overlook the fact that you started dating Beth's instructor behind me back?

“Tell me what I'm supposed to do, Jake, because I'm tired. I've been trying to figure out how to be there for you since you were born, and I can't honestly say I have a clue. So, tell me what am I supposed to do, because some days I feel like I barely know you.”

Erin had tears in her eyes as she spoke, but she didn't raise her voice or sound angry. She sounded as tired as she said she was, and Jake didn't know what to do with that. He thought her answer would help him, but he felt even more lost after hearing it.

“I didn't mean to hide Cougar from you. I just didn't know how to tell you,” Jake said. His voice sounded small even to his own ears.

“That's because you've never tried before, Jake. I'm the one who has to start conversations and get you to talk. You admitted you were seeing someone. What was so hard about saying it was Carlos?”

“I don't know.”

“Maybe that's something you have to ask yourself.”

“I guess.”

“Jake?”

Jake looked at Erin. She was smiling at him even if it looked a bit sad. “I do want you to be happy, Jake. I've seen you at your worst though, and I'm afraid to see you that miserable again. Sorry if I have trouble getting on board with this. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I can see that I am.”

“I get it. I fucked up—”

“No Jake. You've got to do what's best for you. I don't get a say in that even if I don't agree with it. You're an adult, and you get to make your own decisions. I'll still love you no matter what,” she said, reaching out and giving his arm a squeeze. “I've got to get going. Beth should be done in ten minutes.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Jake said, waving her off. “Don't forget your ice cream,” he said as she turned away.

Erin laughed, opening the freezer again and grabbing strawberry. Jake sighed as she walked away. He grabbed himself a tub of moose-tracks and headed home.

Cougar found him in bed with an empty carton of ice cream an hour later.

“What happened?” Cougar asked, taking a seat next to him.

“I think I've finally hit Erin's limit.”

“What?”

“I cornered her at the store and asked what I'd done. She says I never tell her anything important. She's right, and I can't fix it. I can't go back and tell her all the shit I kept to myself because I didn't want her to worry. I can't just tell her all the stuff that was too embarrassing. But now...I don't know if she doesn't trust me, or she doesn't know what to say to me, but both options suck, and I feel like I lost my sister,” Jake told him, curling against Cougar's side.

“You haven't lost her. She loves you. You will find your common ground again,” Cougar said, running his fingers through Jake's hair.

“Why did this have to happen when everything was starting to be good? Why can't things just be good without getting fucked up?”

“Because to survive the worst times, sometimes you must do things that are not the best, but they get you through. Then you must face those things at a later time. Those things do not make you a bad person. They allow you to survive to become a better person.”

Jake didn't know what to say, so for once he didn't say anything and just sat with Cougar. He was no closer to fixing things with Erin than he was before he spoke to her, but Cougar's words gave him hope that he'd figure it out eventually.

Jake was stable, if exhausted. He barely left his bed that weekend other than his escape to talk to Erin, and Cougar stayed with him after that. Pooch covered his classes for him, and he even came by to see how Jake was doing Saturday night.

Pooch and Cougar spent the evening watching hockey in the living room and eating the cheeseburgers Pooch brought from the place next to the studio.

Jake pulled himself out of bed halfway through the second period, wearing two comforters around his body. He'd been wrapped up in them for so long that he honestly couldn't remember if he was wearing anything under them.

He could hear them talking quietly as he shuffled down the hall.

“You sure you're okay, man? You look beat.” Jake heard Pooch say. Cougar's response was too quiet to hear, but Jake slowed his walk to listen.

“I getcha. You know how I used to get worried sick about Jolene when we were away. It's rough,” Pooch said.

“I don't want to let him down,” Cougar said, and Jake felt his throat get tight with emotion.

He waddled out to the living room, and Pooch greeted him with a bright smile.

“Hey man, how you feeling?” Pooch asked as Jake settled into the corner of the couch beside Cougar who'd made space for him.

“Like I've been hit by a truck carrying all sorts of emotions, and they got all over me in the collision,” Jake told him, accepting a french fry that Cougar held up to his lips. “Oh, spicy fries, yum.”

Cougar shook his head, patting the mass of blankets affectionately. Jake couldn't actually feel it, but it was a nice gesture.

“I got that way when my son was born. I barely made it in time for his birth, and I was a mess,” Pooch told him. “Jolene was hopped up on all those hormones, and I was the one crying about baby toes and freaking out about baby proofing the house.”

Jake laughed at that. He could just imagine Pooch forcing Clay and Cougar to help him bubble wrap every piece of furniture. Not Aisha though. She had her scariness to think about. People that terrifying couldn't be seen doing stuff like that. It would ruin their credibility.

Jake liked hanging out with Pooch and Cougar. It felt normal. Pooch treated him like one of the gang. Clearly, he loved Cougar, and he accepted Jake simply because Cougar loved him. Jake had never become friends with any of his exes friends. It was new, and it was pretty awesome. Even if Pooch was rooting for the wrong team.

It helped just a little to know that even if things were shaky with Erin that he wasn't alone. For the longest time, Erin had been his only support, but now he was starting to feel like he had friends again.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Jake's in a terrible headspace in this chapter.

Jake went back to work the next week. Things with Erin still weren't great. Jake still wasn't great. He was more stable now, but he wasn't one hundred percent. Basically, a soft breeze could unravel the progress he'd made.

It started innocently enough. Jake was in his office fixing some glitches with the catalog system when Agnes brought in the mail.

“You got a letter,” she said, dropping the small lavender colored envelope onto his desk. “If it's a love letter from your young man, I expect you to read it to me during your break. I haven't received a love letter in nearly fifty years,” she said wistfully, before walking out again.

Jake couldn't say he'd ever received a love letter, but it was a nice thought. He figured that Cougar would write very romantic love letters. He shook his head at the thought of it. Cougar would leave them beneath his morning coffee, not bother wasting postage on it. Cougar was practical.

It was rare that Jake got mail at the library, but it wasn't unheard of. When he'd first started working there, he put the library down as his primary address on everything. He'd been paranoid. He hadn't wanted anyone knowing where he lived, and Agnes hadn't minded. She even went so far as to screen his mail for anything from the Army.

However, over the years the mail had dwindled to a couple pieces of junk here and there. The people that counted knew his address now, and he got his deliveries sent to a remote address. Jake wasn't any less paranoid now, but he was much better at dealing with it than he had been.

He studied the letter for a moment. The postal stamp said it came from New York. He flipped the thing over and saw it was sealed with the return address sticker.

 

**Mrs. Abigail Breckman**

 

Jake froze at the name from his past. Breckman. He'd served with Sergeant Mark Breckman in Afghanistan during his first tour. He'd liked the guy too. Breckman had been a good NCO, and had never taken his own frustrations out on Jake the way some had. Still, when shit hit the fan not a year later when Jake was with another unit, Breckman hadn't come to see him in the hospital. He hadn't testified on Jake's behalf.

Jake didn't really hold it against him. Jake wasn't favored by the inquiry into what had happened. It would've been career poison to speak on his behalf. Though someone had. It just hadn't been anyone Jake had called friend.

Jake bit his lip. He probably shouldn't open the letter. He could just throw it out and pretend he never got the thing. He could move on with his life and not bring up old ghosts.

Jake tore the letter open with little finesse. He wasn't kidding anyone, especially not himself. He was far too curious to just throw the letter away. He wouldn't sleep until he knew what was inside.

It was an invitation...

 

Please Join us:

For Mark's 30th birthday!

 

Sunday, April 16th

2pm-whenever

 

Please join us for Mark's birthday. It would be great to see all the guys back together again.

 

Jake read the obnoxious font over again. Mark's birthday. His wife invited Jake to Mark's birthday. Maybe she didn't know what had happened. That was hard to believe because Erin had told him the skirmish and subsequent deaths had made the news. Though it was clearly a doctored story. Maybe Mark was one of those keep everything to himself sorts, never mentioned it was Jake who was responsible. Or maybe the invite had been a careless mistake. It may have just slipped her mind that Jake wasn't welcome in any sort of military circles anymore.

Jake felt the card stock crumple in his fist as he squeezed his eyes closed. He shouldn't have opened the letter. He knew better. What could she have possibly sent that wouldn't have made him feel overwhelmed by bad memories? Maybe anthrax.

Jake took a slow breath. _It would be great to see all the guys back together again_. Yes, all of the guys who knew exactly what happened to Jake. Some of them probably still sympathized with Martinez and Sorensen. Some of them probably outright blamed Jake for his own fate. Most days Jake blamed himself. And then there were the ones that weren't alive anymore. The gaping holes only they'd be able to feel when gathered together again.

He would've given his left arm to have guys he could get back together with. Guys he could joke with about their tours together. Guys he could share a beer and stories with. Guys who understood what he'd gone through.

Jake pushed out of his seat as he quickly shut down his computer. He walked out of his office and flagged down Agnes.

“I need to take the rest of the day,” he told her numbly.

“Of course, dear. Is it to do with the letter? Was it bad news?” she asked, sounding so concerned that it hurt his heart. She meant well, but she couldn't fix him, no one really could.

“You could say that,” Jake replied.

“Well, go take care of it, and just call if you need to take tomorrow too,” Agnes told him, placing her wrinkled hand on his arm and leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. Jake smiled sadly and nodded.

Jake didn't tell Cougar about the letter when he came over that night. He bottled it up tight and just smiled when Cougar held up the grocery bags he'd brought with him. Jake followed him to the kitchen quietly, and watched him remove various items from his shopping bags.

“What you planning on making?” Jake asked, looking at the large amount of beef Cougar had bought.

“Guisada,” Cougar said, smiling.

“Oh, fancy...What the hell does that mean?” Jake asked, biting his lip because he hadn't meant to be sharp with Cougar.

“It is stew. Help me?” Cougar asked him, waving Jake around the island and into his arms. Jake appreciated the self control it probably took Cougar not to roll his eyes at Jake's ignorance. He went and he buried himself in Cougar's hug. “You're home early. I thought I would be done with this when you got back, but we can do it together if you aren't busy,” Cougar told him, pressing kisses to Jake's shoulder and cheek.

“Sure,” Jake agreed. He didn't feel like cooking, but being close to Cougar had a way of helping his dark moods. He also knew that he needed a distraction, or he was going to slp right back into the mood he'd been in after he spoke to Erin.

Jake washed his hands at Cougar's prodding, then followed Cougar's directions carefully. Jake felt out of his depth even though Cougar assured him that the meal was very forgiving, and he couldn't possibly fuck it up on Cougar's watch.

Jake cut the meat and potatoes into cubes while Cougar got the seasonings ready. Cougar draped himself over Jake's back as Jake tried to concentrate.

“Coug, I'm never going to get this right if you distract me,” Jake told him, but that didn't deter Cougar in the least.

Jake bit his lip when Cougar's hand wrapped around his waist, fingers dipping beneath his t-shirt. His other hand gripped Jake's wrist, steadying Jake's actions because Jake was not a neat vegetable chopper.

“Relax,” Cougar told him, caressing Jake's belly.

Jake stabbed the knife into the cutting board violently. He couldn't focus with Cougar's hands being all insistent. It was frustrating. He was trying to be useful, but Cougar clearly had other ideas.

“What is wrong, querido?” Cougar asked him. He hadn't even flinched as the knife was embedded in the wooden board.

“I had a shitty day, and I can't concentrate on this with your damn hands being all explore-y. So, either let me cut the damn potatoes or fuck me, but right now I can't do both,” Jake told him, turning in his arms.

“You do not sound like you want to be fucked,” Cougar said, stepping back.

“Honestly, I don't know what I want right now, and it's driving me nuts.” Jake gripped the edge of the counter; he knew he shouldn't take his day out on Cougar, but it was hard not to when Cougar was standing right in front of him.

“Would you rather I cook, and you take some time to yourself?”

Why did Cougar have to be so understanding? “I wanna help. I like learning. I'm just...”

Jake almost jumped when Cougar placed his hand over Jake's and pried it off the counter, bringng it to his lips to kiss Jake's fingers.

“We'll take it slow,” Cougar said, smiling encouragingly at Jake. He guided Jake back to the cutting board, and Jake took up the knife again. Instead of standing in Jake's space, Cougar took a seat on one of the stools and watched him. Jake glanced at Cougar from time to time for instruction, and Cougar always gave it to him without fuss.

In the end, Jake did almost all of the work under Cougar's supervision. When the pot was on the stove to cook, Jake let Cougar lead him into the living room.

Jake wasn't expecting Cougar to press him down into the sofa and massage the tension out of his muscles, but he certainly didn't complain. At first Jake was a little tense because of the position of him on his stomach, but Cougar's hands were gentle and sure as he worked.

When the stew was cooked, Cougar got them one bowl to share. Jake was a fan of sharing with Cougar—it cut down on dishes, but it also allowed them to battle for what was in the plate. Jake won the last piece of meat even though Cougar fought dirty and nibbled at his neck, or maybe _because_ Cougar fought dirty and distracted himself.

When dinner was done, Cougar sent him to bed. Jake almost argued, but Cougar gave him a stern look.

“You do not feel well. You should rest.”

“I'm not sure that's the answer,” Jake admitted.

“Exhausting yourself is not the answer either. You rest; I will keep watch,” Cougar told him, reaching up to run his fingers through Jake's hair. Jake bowed his hand and took what Cougar could give him.

“Thanks for dinner.”

“You made it,” Cougar told him with a smile.

“Yeah, thanks for teaching me.”

“You are always welcome.”

\---

The nightmares had started almost as soon as Jake had fallen asleep, waking him on and off throughout the night. Jake groaned as he rolled onto his side, his dinner not sitting well, his body drenched in sweat. Every time he fell back to sleep, they only got worse.

Jake was surprised when Cougar opened the door and strode to the side of the bed, flinching as Cougar's hand felt his forehead, but Cougar gently caressed Jake's cheek, and Jake took the small comfort.

“Nightmares.” It wasn't a question. If anyone was an expert on the signs of nightmares, it was Cougar, so Jake didn't even try to hide it.

“I hate my brain sometimes,” Jake said, but he barely recognized his own voice.

Jake was surprised when Cougar climbed onto the bed in nothing but a pair of boxers. He gathered Jake to him and pressed a kiss to Jake's head.

“What can I do?” he asked, and Jake didn't know what to say. He knew Cougar didn't like to sleep with him because of his own nightmares, but Jake honestly didn't want to fall asleep alone again, terrified of what he'd see.

Jake shrugged, and Cougar pressed another kiss to his forehead. “Anything you need. I am here. I will stay,” Cougar told him.

“I don't want to force you. You don't like to sleep wi—”

“I love to sleep with you. I fear that I could hurt you, but never think I wouldn't rather be in your arms,” Cougar whispered. He stroked Jake's hair, and Jake sighed, feeling some of the tension ease inside of him.

“I'm gross and sweaty.”

“Sí.”

“Asshole. You're supposed to tell me I'm fine,” Jake said, eyes drooping shut as he felt exhaustion set in again. Cougar was safety.

“I do not lie to you.”

“I love that about you.” Jake sighed, feeling himself drift off again.

He woke twice more, shaking in Cougar's arms until Cougar's calm voice and steady hands soothed him. He would have been happier to sleep peacefully in Cougar's arms, but he had to take what he could get.

As the sun came up Jake woke, before Cougar for once. He slept seemingly peacefully on his back as Jake was curled up to his side, using his chest for a pillow. Jake didn't feel any better than he had the evening before, but he took the opportunity to enjoy sharing his bed with Cougar.

Cougar's hair fanned out on the pillow, and it was curled and knotted from leaving it to do its own thing.

Jake didn't last long just admiring Cougar. Soon his fingers were touching Cougar's chest, and he was placing kisses to Cougar's neck, and immediately Cougar's arms wrapped around him securely. Jake wiggled. Being trapped in Cougar's strong arms made it difficult to perform the delicate operation Jake had planned to undertake. One that involved Jake's mouth and Cougar's morning wood.

Cougar seemed to have other ideas though, because he pulled Jake on top of him, so he could kiss Jake without having to crane his neck. In Jake's opinion, it was a lazy move, but he was choosing to ignore the fact that he weighed more than Cougar did and was possibly crushing the life out of him.

“How are you feeling?” Cougar asked, still not opening his eyes as he kissed Jake between questioning him.

“I feel okay. Agnes already said I could take the day, so I think I'll just spend it in my PJs,” Jake told him, hoping not to worry Cougar any more. He wasn't actually feeling okay at all, but he'd deal with it.

“I must go to my first class, but I will ask Pooch to cover the others,” Cougar told him, pressing a kiss to Jake's nose before cracking an eye open. Jake wiggled his nose at the sensation.

“Nah, it's fine. You don't need to take the day off because I'm in a mood,” Jake said, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

“I do not mind.”

“Well, I do. I'm not a kid that needs babysitting. I took care of myself just fine before you showed up,” Jake told him, reaching for his glasses on his nightstand, so the rest of the world wasn't blurry. He hated not being able to see everything around him.

Cougar didn't say anything, but Jake could read his scowl clearly. He didn't like Jake's opinion, but Jake didn't want anyone around. He just needed to be left alone, even by Cougar. He had things to work out that were best not witnessed by others. It was slightly less humiliating that way.

“I should get going then,” Cougar told him.

“You aren't going to stick around for morning BJs?” Jake asked, knowing it was a bit hypocritical.

“There isn't enough time to do them justice.”

“Then we could half ass them or go sixty-nine,” Jake told him.

“I promise I'll blow you when I get home,” Cougar told him, pushing himself up and forcing Jake to sit back. There was a sharpness in Cougar's tone that was never there when he spoke to Jake when Jake was feeling low.

Jake suddenly felt desperate for Cougar to stay and play with him. He slapped both hands onto Cougar's chest and pressed, not hard enough to actually move Cougar, but enough to send a message. “ _Please_.” Jake hated how vulnerable he sounded.

Cougar reached forward and pulled Jake to him. He pressed kisses to Jake's face as he cradled Jake's larger body to him.

“What do you need?” Cougar asked him. Jake could feel the sigh rush from Cougar's chest just the same. He was all over the place, and he wasn't being fair to Cougar.

“I don't know. I want to be alone, but I don't want you to leave mad at me, and I want to do stuff with you, but you are never a morning sex kind of guy, and I'm in a mood and fucking everything up, and I hate it,” Jake said in one breath.

He felt Cougar's chest rise in another deep sigh. It seemed like this was the morning Cougar reached his 'Jake's Bullshit' limit. “Mornings aren't easy. Nightmares make it hard to...” he paused, and Jake knew how the statement ended.

“To get hard. Sorry. I'm dense sometimes. Should've read between the lines, but you've been aroused before,” Jake said, trying not to be confused about it because he knew it wasn't something Cougar enjoyed discussing. Jake being the dense log he was, already made Cougar spell it out more times than he likely wanted too. Jake knew he never wanted to have to tell someone he was impotent, though he certainly felt so in other aspects of his life.

“I can get aroused. It's staying aroused while they are still fresh that is difficult. I don't want you to feel unwanted because of something I can't help,” Cougar told him, running his fingers through Jake's hair. Jake knew a thing or two about intrusive thoughts, so he couldn't fault Cougar for having his own.

“Sorry, I understand. I just... You should go to work. I need to work out my head on my own,” Jake said, looking Cougar in the eye.

“If you want me to come home, all you need to do is call,” Cougar offered. Jake didn't doubt it. Part of him hated how dedicated Cougar was. It made him feel worse for fumbling to understand and help with Cougar's own struggles.

“I know. Just give me a little time to work it out.”

“Anything you need,” Cougar said, kissing Jake tenderly. Jake wrapped his arms around Cougar's shoulders, not wanting to let him go just yet. They clearly weren't all right, and this sudden unsteadiness was terrifying. Eventually, Cougar extricated himself from Jake's embrace, showered, and went to work.

Jake sat in his pajamas for over an hour before his thoughts turned to the letter again. _It would be great to see all the guys back together again_. His brain supplied in the most unhelpful manner. Jake wished he could just erase his impeccable mind once in a while, so he could avoid dwelling on painful memories.

He thought of all the guys laughing over beers and steaks. They probably all had wives by now; beautiful women to complete the all American portrait they all were. Women who'd give them kids to spoil and dote on. All things Jake would never have.

He dug the letter out of yesterday's pants and flattened it out enough to read it again, reading it at least a dozen times before he grabbed the closest thing to him and threw it across the room. It happened to be his and Cougar's current book. It hit the wall and fell to the floor, but the violence only fed Jake's sudden anger. He tore things off the shelves throwing them about, uncaring as to what they were or what became of them.

He knew he was making an awful racket, and soon enough Sam was banging on the door, asking what was wrong. He told her to leave.

“Is Carlos in there?” she asked through the wood.

“No!”

“He hasn't hurt you? Have you hurt him?”

“He's at work,” Jake answered, pressing his fist to the heavy door to his apartment. He didn't need to be arrested for a fight that wasn't happening. That would be just his sort of luck. The whole town would know about it. They'd call him violent, and then the parents of Beth's friends wouldn't let him near their children. He'd only get to see his niece for Sunday Fundays, not for class or school programs or playdates. He just wanted his past to stop ruining his present.

“I want his phone number to confirm, or I've got to call the cops, Jake. The whole café can hear you,” she told him.

Jake groaned. He didn't want Cougar to know this happened, not that there was any way of hiding what he'd done to the place. He ticked off Cougar's phone number by memory, and waited by the door as she likely called him.

“He wants to know what happened?” Sam called through the door.

“Both of you should stay out of my business,” Jake bit back.

“Not gonna happen, Jake.”

Jake banged his head against the door then slid the lock into place. He'd need to lock the hall window that Cougar always climbed in. He just wanted to be left alone.

Cougar was banging on his door in under ten minutes.

“Go away, Cougs. I want to be alone,” Jake shouted from the living room where he was currently tearing the stuffing out of a throw pillow. He couldn't get a hold of himself. This wasn't like his panic attacks, but he was equally incapable of controlling it, but he was aware of how wrong this was, how out of character he was acting. He just couldn't put the pillow down. Things had been bottled up so long, they needed release.

“Not leaving you,” Cougar called back.

Jake knew it was only a matter of time before Sam let him in; a condition of staying here, once she found out what happened to him, was that she had a key to every lock he had in case of an emergency. She'd let Cougar in. He knew she would. He also knew that if it wasn't Cougar, it would be her or Erin, and that wasn't okay. They didn't need to see this. He felt deeply the fear that Cougar constantly felt when facing sleep. What if he hurt someone? Could he really stop himself?

Sure enough, just as he was lifting up another pillow to destroy, he heard the locked disengage, and a moment later Cougar was striding through the door, looking every bit the fearless soldier Jake knew him to be. That only set Jake off more. No he couldn't stop himself.

“Get out,” Jake told him, his voice disturbingly calm.

“You shouldn't be alone,” Cougar said.

“What do you know about being alone? You've still got your team,” Jake shot back, tearing into the pillow in his hands.

Cougar shook his head as though he knew that no answer would satisfy Jake. “Come to bed,” Cougar told him.

“You can't fix this with sex. You can't fix this at all. You're part of the damn problem!” Feathers showered him as he tore the pillow apart completely. Cougar was staring at him like he'd never seen Jake before in his life.

Jake knew he had to be a sight. He was sweating profusely. Feathers were sticking to his damp skin as they fell slowly around him. His chest was heaving even if tearing the pillow hadn't been that hard to do.

“What is this?” Cougar asked. His voice was soft as he slowly approached Jake. Jake didn't want him to come any closer, but he knew nothing would stop Cougar.

“This is me, my fucking life, my fucking mess of a useless life,” Jake yelled. He could see movement by the door. No doubt Sam was out there listening. She shouldn't be here.

Jake hated it all. He hated that his life was a mess. He hated that he'd lost all of the men he'd been close with because of what a couple of assholes did to him. He hated that he couldn't control the rage it made him feel or the devastation. And he hated that he had no privacy to experience those feelings in whatever way he saw fit.

Jake threw the remains of the pillow at Cougar, even though he knew it wouldn't hurt him. He never wanted to hurt Cougar, but he was frustrated, and it was humiliating for Cougar to see him like this.

Cougar caught the destroyed fabric with ease. Jake watched him look down at what had once been a cheerful purple pillow with a unicorn embroidered on it. It had been one of Jake's favorites. Suddenly, that made Jake whimper.

Cougar looked up at him with sad eyes.

“I make you feel like doing this?” he asked.

“No,” Jake told him. He didn't. Life in general made him feel this.

“But I make it worse. I make it harder for you?” Cougar asked, stepping forward, placing the remains of the pillow on the end table.

“I didn't say that,” Jake said, looking at the destruction around him. Did Cougar make it worse? Did Cougar make him feel bad emotions more clearly just as he did with the good ones? Was Jake hanging by a thread in some way connected to Cougar's presence? He honestly didn't know. He didn't really want to know. It was too terrifying to contemplate. Was the best thing in his life also the worst?

“You said I was part of the problem,” Cougar said, stepping into Jake's space.

“I was upset,” Jake told him, hating Cougar's tone. Jake shifted from foot to foot. All of that anger was suddenly closing in and becoming anxiousness and fear.

“Why were you upset, Jake?” Cougar asked him.

“None of your damn business,” Jake bit out. He knew he was being an ass, but he couldn't share this with Cougar. It made him too vulnerable. It was humiliating that such a stupid little thing like an invitation could send him spiraling. It had been _years_. He should have a grip by now.

“I cannot help you if you won't tell me,” Cougar said. Cougar wasn't one for pushing Jake to do anything, so Jake knew he was worried. He knew Cougar had to be terrified to push Jake for answers.

“I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. Don't you get it? I'm a loner. I was always meant to be alone. I'm not made to be friends with people. I'm not made to interact with people. I'm a fucking freak, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll get a clue and move on,” Jake argued. He didn't know why he said that. That wasn't what he wanted, but it was something he knew he feared. All of his fears were bubbling at the surface.

“You are not a freak.” How could he be so damn calm? Jake wanted him to get angry, to show some form of emotion. Anything. Jake couldn't be the only one out of control. He knew Cougar had his nightmares. Why was he always so in control then? The dichotomy only pushed Jake further.

“I am, but at least I realize it.”

“Jake—”

“Stop trying to fix me, Cougar! I'm sick of people trying to fix me. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be fixed. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to gag. Why am I not enough? Why am I always lacking? Why are you so much better at this?”

“You are enough. I don't want to fix you. I want to take some of your pain, so you don't have to carry it alone,” Cougar told him.

“I _need_ my pain. I need it to let me know I'm alive. If I slept peacefully, how would I know the difference between dream and reality? If my mind slowed down, how would I keep moving?”

“You would keep moving because you have people you love, a job you love, a niece you adore...You have me.”

“That's not enough. I still have attacks. I still freak out at loud noises. I'm terrified of hurting my family. Everything I love only makes it worse because I keep failing them.”

“You aren't failing them.”

“I am. Hell, I've been worse since you showed up than I have been in years.”

“So, I make it worse. Being here, it makes it harder for you?”

“Yeah, I guess in some ways it does,” Jake told him, looking him in the eye. He knew he'd just cut him deep, but maybe it was for the best.

“I do not want to hurt you,” Cougar told him resignedly. “I've never wanted to hurt you.”

“We don't always mean to hurt people when we do. Story of my fuckin' life,” Jake said, reaching out and plucking a feather out of Cougar's hair.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“I want to be alone. I don't want people to see my humiliation. Life was easier when no one ever saw my scars.”

“But do you want me to leave?” Cougar asked, and Jake realized what he meant. He wanted to know if it was over.

“I just want to be alone,” Jake repeated, dropping the feather and turning away.

“I thought I didn't have to be anymore.”

Jake wasn't sure he heard that right, but Cougar was walking toward the door when Jake turned back. A sudden overwhelming feeling, like he'd been dunked in ice water, came over him; this was the end. Cougar was walking away. Jake had sent him away.

Jake saw Sam reach out to Cougar as he passed, but he shrugged her off. She looked into the apartment and made eye contact with Jake. She shook her head at him. “Clean the fuck up, or you can find yourself a new apartment. Next time you trash the place, I'm calling the police,” she said, pulling the door shut.

Jake just stood there among the ruins of his living room. He was alone, and suddenly he hated it. He felt like a child who had a tantrum and broke all of his toys then cried when he realized his favorite things were now broken. Hot shame washed over him, mingling with the still existing rage. He retreated to his room, leaving the mess until he was up to facing it.

\---

Jake didn't leave his bed for two days. His body was so run down from the days leading up to his breakdown that he didn't have the strength to fight off memories, didn't have the strength to piece himself back together.

Sam had come by twice a day, but he'd moved the vanity in front of his bedroom door to stop her. So, she talked to him through the door, refusing to leave until he answered that he was okay and texted her a picture of himself. She told him if he stopped answering or texting every hour that she'd call the cops.

He texted Cougar half a dozen times. Sometimes it was pictures of his scars asking Cougar why he'd want to stick his dick in something as ugly as Jake. Other times it was apologies for failing to be good enough for Cougar or anyone else.

The only reply he ever received read: Te amo con todo mi alma.

It didn't make Jake hurt any less. He hadn't been this bad since the first couple years he'd been home. In fact, it made it hurt more. After all Jake had said and done, Cougar just told him he loved him as though love could fix anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hides under table and a blanket*  
> *Peeks out*  
> *whispers* "I'm sorry, guys."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. This chapter's really long because I didn't want to drag this over several chapters.
> 
> Warnings for mentions of suicide and some violence.

Jake walked into the studio with Beth. It wasn't something he wanted to do, but he needed to prove to Erin that his and Cougar's brief, if all consuming, relationship wasn't going to ruin anything. He'd spent three hours getting ready to leave the apartment, even getting Sam to leave the shop to come tell him if he looked okay, embarrassed to admit he was wearing concealer to hide the bruise dark circles under his eyes.

Jake wasn't all that surprised to see Pooch standing on the mats with the girls—he'd been helping Cougar with different classes more and more since Cougar had been seeing Jake. Jake just figured Cougar was in the back getting ready, or he was taking a well deserved day off. Jake still hadn't returned to work, though he'd begun to feel a little better the last couple days.

Jake kissed Beth on the head before taking a seat as she rushed over to her friends. Thankfully, there weren't a lot of parents lingering today; sports were starting up, so Saturday classes were becoming a hassle for some. Jake didn't mind the quiet though. He felt like he didn't constantly have to look over his shoulder as he watched the lesson this way.

Pooch's approach was similar to Cougar's, but he was definitely more about the kids having fun than executing maneuvers precisely. The girls had fun with Cougar. There was no doubt about that, but he had been very meticulous in his teaching—basics first, then building from the ground up. Pooch just went with the flow.

Jake liked Pooch's style. It was definitely more like his own, but he missed watching Cougar teach. Cougar was happiest out there, showing the girls how to properly throw a punch or dodge an attack. Jake knew it made him feel like he was making a difference, no matter how small.

Cougar hadn't so much as stuck his head out of his office by the time class had ended; he didn't seem the type to avoid his problems—namely Jake—but Jake also knew he lived in the office, so he had to be around. Jake swallowed his pride and headed over, wondering if maybe they couldn't make it work for Beth's sake.

“Hey, Jake, you got a minute?” Pooch called as the girls were returning to their parents.

Jake stopped dead. Oh, this was not good. Had Jake done such a number on Cougar that his friends were going to lay into him?

“Yeah sure, what's up?” Jake asked, conveniently placing Beth between them. Pooch wouldn't yell at him with her there...he hoped.

“Look man, I'm sorry about Cougar,” Pooch started when almost everyone had cleared out. That definitely wasn't what Jake was expecting to hear. Jake stood there attempting to formulate the words to say that it was his fault, and Cougar wasn't to blame, but Pooch beat him to it.

“I knew Clay and Aisha had been planning something, but I didn't think they'd be leaving so soon,” Pooch said, rubbing the back of his neck like this conversation wasn't easy for him either. “I mean, I should've guessed it with how much Cougar had been getting me involved lately, but I just figured he was trying to enjoy time with you, which I guess he was. I just wasn't expecting him to bounce like that.”

“Bounce?” was all Jake could come up with to say.

Pooch groaned. “Shit, please tell me he told you he was leaving, and I didn't just inform you in the crappiest way possible.”

“Um, no he didn't, but we haven't seen much of each other lately,” Jake said numbly, realizing that a part of him had thought he'd see Cougar here, and they'd make up. He'd been slowly starting to get his emotions under control again, realizing that he'd shoved Cougar away because he'd felt vulnerable, and not because he wanted Cougar to actually go. Now though, Cougar had really left, and there would be no fixing this. That made everything so final.

“He didn't tell you? Fucker. Shit, sorry Beth. Please don't tell your mom I said that, or my wife. Dear God, don't tell my wife I said that in front of you,” Pooch pleaded with Beth, who just stood there wide eyed.

“Mr. Cougar isn't coming back?” was all she asked, and that made Jake's heart shatter into tinier pieces than it already was.

“I'm sure he'll visit, Beth. He's just got some work to do,” Pooch told her, looking up at Jake for help, but Jake was at a loss. He'd been so stupid. He'd pushed away the one person that got it.

“But, what about Uncle Jake?”

“It's okay, munchkin,” Jake tried to sooth her, but Beth looked to be on the brink of tears, and Jake suddenly understood why Erin got so annoyed with him when he was the cause of them. They were terrifying. Not as terrifying as the thought of never seeing Cougar again, but very close.

“It's not. Why would he leave? He loves you!”

“Beth, he never said that. We weren't—”

“He did. I asked him during class one day, and he said he loved you with all his heart. All of it, Uncle Jake. Now he's gone.” There they were, the big tears streaming out of her eyes and over her cheeks. Jake didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't deserve Cougar's love, that he'd pushed him away.

“I'm sorry, Bethy,” Jake said, picking her up and holding her tight.

“Sorry man,” Pooch apologized, but Jake waved him off. He was glad he knew. At least he could put the worry to rest that Cougar was avoiding him. Cougar was just gone for good.

Jensen actually carried Beth out of the studio. She wasn't big on being carried in public now that she was ten, but she clung to him sniffling into his t-shirt as they left. Jake whispered soothingly to her and carried her right next door to the ice cream shop.

Beth didn't protest when he bought them the biggest sundae to share. They ate in silence, though there were more than a few sniffles from Beth. Jake wasn't holding it together much better. He knew his eyes were red, and he couldn't breathe very well with how stuffed up he was from holding back his own tears.

“Why would he just leave?” Beth asked, pushing the cherry around in the mass of melting ice cream. Even sprinkles couldn't fix this.

“He made some promises...”

“But what about the picnic? He promised us we could have a picnic for our last class.”

“I know, munchkin, but I'm sure that Pooch will make sure that you girls have an awesome picnic, or at least his wife will. She definitely seemed like she knew how to throw a picnic,” Jake promised her.

“It won't be the same.” No it definitely wouldn't.

“Nah, but it'll be fun. Maybe Cougar will be back by then,” Jake told her, not believing his own words.

“Aren't you sad? He broke your heart,” Beth questioned, scrutinizing Jake.

“Yeah, I'm sad Beth. I'm really sad, but if I had forced Cougar to stay, then maybe he'd be sad, and I wouldn't want that,” Jake told her, even though just several days earlier he'd argued with Cougar with no concern for Cougar's feelings. Jake couldn't help feeling that his bumbling break up had something to do with Cougar's sudden disappearance, but he didn't have any proof.

Jake felt his sundae attempt to come back up as he thought about what Cougar might be doing with Clay and Aisha. They hunted down bad men. That was a dangerous job, especially without military intelligence or backup. Jake didn't want to think about Cougar not coming back because he might die.

“Uncle Jake?” Beth asked sounding concerned.

“I'm okay, Beth. Just need a moment,” Jake told her, and she was around the table in seconds giving him a hug.

“Don't worry, Uncle Jake. The prince always comes back for the princess,” she told him, clinging to him.

“Thanks, Beth,” Jake told her, refusing to let go even as they got some weird looks from other patrons. Jake kissed the top of her head, and tried to make her eat some more ice cream. Neither of them were very hungry, and they ended up getting kicked out when Jake started a minor food fight with Beth, resulting in both of them leaving wearing the remains of their sundae.

“We should watch movies,” Beth told him on the drive back to Erin's house.

“I don't know if I can face your mom right now, Kiddo,” Jake told her, mentally cringing at the epic 'I told you so' she'd give him. Jake just wanted to drop Beth off, go home and try to soak up the last of Cougar's scent on his sheets.

“We could finish _Ever After_ at your house,” she said, and Jake knew she didn't want him to be alone. She was too wise for her ten years sometimes.

“Yeah, we can do that. Call your mom and tell her we're having a princess party,” Jake told her, fishing his phone out of his jeans and tossing it back to her.

Beth grabbed it, gasping as soon as the screen lit up, and Jake realized too late that his background was still Cougar braiding her hair. To her credit, she didn't say anything, only sniffling once before she composed herself enough to call her mom without alerting her to their mood.

Erin agreed to the princess party with the stipulation that they ate vegetables with dinner. They promised, but Jake honestly didn't think he had any vegetables in the apartment. So he stopped at the grocery store for supplies, where they bought string beans...and enough candy to feed three Beths. They also bought more ice cream, some popcorn, cookie dough, and grenadine for Shirley Temples.

Beth justified it because Jake was heartbroken, and according to Mandy's mom, that burned a lot of calories. She admitted she didn't know what that meant, but Mandy's mom said it while talking about boys.

Jake didn't argue. He was going to run out of real food soon enough, so candy was just as good of an alternative as Chef Boyardee. Beth passed him M&Ms as he drove them back to his place.

Sam happened to be outside when they pulled into Jake's designated spot. She waved at them until she got a good look at the pair of them, then she marched over.

“What happened?” She asked, bending to dab at Beth's puffy eyes with the towel she always wore on her waist. It looked surprisingly clean, so she must have just changed it.

“Uncle Jake and Mr. Cougar broke up, and Mr. Cougar ran away,” Beth told her, and Sam looked gutted.

“No,” she said, looking up at Jake. Jake nodded in confirmation, because it really wasn't wise to lie to the woman who supplied his caffeine addiction. It wasn't like she didn't have an inkling after witnessing their blowup, but she seemed genuinely surprised that they hadn't worked it out. “I'm sorry guys,” she told them, pulling Beth in for a tight hug before rising to do the same for Jake. She ignored the ice cream that got on her from their clothes, which was kind of her.

“We're gonna watch _Ever After_ and eat candy and popcorn,” Beth said, showing her their plunder.

Sam laughed at the amount of goodies they had.

“Well, give me a bit to close up for the day, and I'll join you. How 'bout that?” she asked, addressing Beth but glancing up at Jake.

“Sounds great,” Beth answered, slipping her hand into her uncle's and squeezing.

“I'll leave the door unlocked. Bring me coffee, and I'll think about sharing my chocolate.” Jake tried to be playful, but it fell a bit flat, not that Sam didn't laugh. Jake just missed his cheerful banter already.

“I won't forget,” she promised, giving his arm a squeeze before letting them head upstairs.

Jensen put the ingredients for dinner in the fridge while Beth set the movie up, pouring their goodies into a couple of bowls that Cougar had added to his barren kitchen. Jake tried not to think about how much of an impact that Cougar had had on his life even in such a brief period.

Beth curled up against his side as the movie started, popcorn next to her and a bowl of M&Ms resting on Jake's belly. They handed each other the necessary supplies as requested.

Twenty minutes later, Sam walked into the apartment, carrying the drinks she'd promised. “Started without me, I see,” she said as she dropped her bag beside the couch and joined them. Jake took his coffee gratefully, and Beth gave her a big smile as Sam handed her a large hot cocoa. “PJs already? I didn't come prepared for a pajama party,” Sam noted as she toed off her shoes and curled up onto the couch.

“Top drawer. Did laundry the other day, so your favorites should be clean,” Jake told her without tearing his eyes from the screen.

“You did laundry?” she sounded appalled.

“Had an argument with Erin, so I'm doing my own laundry right now.” Sam laughed as she went to his bedroom to find something comfortable to wear. It was kind of her not to point out that he was having fights with everyone important in his life.

Jake did have his own washer and dryer. Honestly, the apartment Sam was renting him was incredible. He just loathed doing laundry, and Erin had been willing to support his bad habit. This whole mess was his fault.

Sam returned wearing his only pair of plaid lounge pants, and the only reason he owned something so boring was because they were like wearing clouds; they were just so comfortable. She was also wearing one of his worn in t-shirts.

“Seriously?” Jake asked, raising an eyebrow when she sat back down.

“What? It's a pajama party. Bras are not pajamas,” she told him, giving him a playful shove.

Jake laughed softly. It was a running joke that she always took her bra off when she hung out in his apartment. She always came up with inventive reasons for it like the time she told him that she was afraid her underwire would catch the signal from an alien spacecraft and lead them right to Jake's from door. Jake had been two days into a coding binge and accepted her reasoning as infallible, and since then she'd run with it just to tease him.

Sam snatched the M&Ms off his stomach for his sassing, and Jake grumbled. It was his pity party. He deserved all the snacks. Beth grabbed him a handful because she was the best.

They watched several movies as they gorged themselves on junk food. As evening approached, Jake left the girls to prepare something for dinner. He looked inside the fridge and almost shut it immediately; it was like going through someone else's drawers. This was Cougar's territory, and Jake felt like he was intruding by going through it, which he realized was ridiculous since it was _his_ refrigerator.

Jake tugged at his hair as he decided what he was going to use. He readjusted his glasses before digging in and pulling out what he needed.

“Everything okay in there, Jensen? I don't want to have to rebuild my coffee shop because you burn this place down,” Sam called over to him.

Jake flipped her the bird after he checked to see Beth wasn't watching. Sam laughed, but after a couple moments, she and Beth joined him in the kitchen. Sam was a great cook, and Beth was good with directions, so they were excellent helpers. Sam and Beth joked around, trying to cheer him up as they cut vegetables or prepared the chicken he planned to make.

Jake appreciated their efforts. It was nice just to be with them, and he was really grateful that Sam had come up because she was keeping Beth's spirits up. He felt bad that Beth had lost Cougar too, but he couldn't really be upbeat for her right now, so Sam was a lifesaver.

Dinner turned out really well. It was a simple lemon chicken dish that Cougar had taught him because it was hard for even Jake to screw up—though he had screwed it up the first time. Jake wasn't really hungry, but Sam told him that if he didn't eat something, she would feed it to him complete with airplane noises. Beth almost choked, she was laughing so hard when Sam made the noises, swooping the fork around Jake's head.

Jake ate on his own after the crash landing against his glasses. Sam assured him that the passenger was still completely edible, but Jake still fed himself after that.

By the time that Jake carried Beth to bed, all three of them had eaten their weight in junk food. Thankfully, Beth was completely out, so Jake didn't have to have any serious conversations with her about broken hearts and how no guy was worth the broken heart.

However, when Jake walked out of Beth's room—which he'd just washed the sheets in—Sam was waiting for him, looking serious.

“How you holding up?” she asked, skipping any bullshit and getting right to the point.

“Well, I felt like crap for saying some awful stuff to him, when I was completely fucked in the head, and making him storm out a few days ago. Now, I feel gutted because I can't even apologize to him because he up and left, which was honestly what I'd been afraid of in the first place,” Jake told her, too tired to lie.

“Have you texted him?”

“Stopped replying two days ago.”

“Have you called him?”

“Straight to voicemail.”

“Have you tracked him?”

“Other than that being a gross invasion of privacy that I doubt he'd easily forgive, I don't really have much on him. And if I go sniffing around, it could bring a whole lot of attention to both of us that would be no good at all.” Jake ran his hands through his hair.

“He'll come back,” Sam told him, sounding absolutely certain.

“What makes you think that?” he asked, sighing as he collapsed onto a kitchen stool.

“Because everything that guy did screamed endgame. First time he came in, he asked your favorite coffee and how you took it, but he didn't go with your favorite pastry. He totally went with his. People don't share their favorite pastries with casual friends. Or how about that picnic he had me pack you? What was that? Your third date?”

“Second,” Jake shrugged.

“Your second official date, and he's taking you for fancy picnics. He is so gone on you, it's painful,” she told him. “He'll be back. Maybe he isn't what you need right now, but I think he wants to be more than anything.”

“If you say so,” Jake said, resting his elbows on the counter, staring down at the shiny surface.

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“You know Erin and I are always here for you, right? This isn't like when you came home. Erin and I have had our share of heartbreaks. You aren't alone, so don't make me come up here on Monday to drag your butt to work.”

Jake agreed, and they ended up watching television late into the night before Jake offered up his bed, since he knew that he wouldn't be getting much sleep. His insomnia had been back full force since the day Cougar walked out of his apartment. Jake knew he was stressing a lot about how it had gone down, and now he'd be thinking of why Cougar left town. Even so, Jake would take this over rehashing the events that led up to his team's betrayal.

Sam kissed Jake's cheek before disappearing into his room. His bed was going to smell like her perfume in the morning. Cougar's scent would be gone, but Jake told himself that it was okay. Jake was sick of living with ghosts. Danny had been too.

Jake collapsed onto his couch His mind seemed determined to bring him up tonight, now that he was abandoned again. So he let it. He let it remember the one friend he'd left the military with; Danny had been in Basic with him, and he laughed at Jake's jokes, and he didn't find Jake's chatter annoying. They'd gotten assigned different units after that, but they'd always kept in touch.

They'd both been kids back then, fresh out of high school and hoping to get their educations paid for when they got out. Danny had been the most easygoing guy Jake had ever met. When Jake's constant talking bothered the other recruits, Danny didn't mind it at all and would respond and further Jake's rants.

Danny was like a more adjusted version of Jake. He knew how to talk to girls. He knew when to keep his sharp comments to himself. He knew how to be a good soldier. Still, he never made Jake feel inferior for just missing the mark. Jake could do all of the things necessary to be a soldier, but dealing with the other soldiers had always been an adventure. Even the ones that liked him looked at him like he was part alien.

When Jake nearly died, Danny hadn't questioned Jake's story. He'd believed him, and he'd visited Jake when he was on leave. The problem with Danny being an all around good person was that war completely destroyed him. When he went overseas, his letters to Jake became more and more depressed. When he visited Jake in the hospital, he'd looked like a ghost himself.

Danny had emailed him an apology before he'd taken his own life. He told Jake he was sorry for leaving him to fight alone, but he just couldn't take living with these damn ghosts anymore.

Jake hadn't blamed him. He'd bought a cheap suit, so he could attend his funeral. Now Danny was just another ghost that followed Jake around, but Jake wasn't going anywhere. He'd dig himself out of this hole again. If he had to dig straight through the earth to the other side, so be it.

Jake spent the night rearranging the books on his shelves. He wasn't sure if there was a rhyme or reason to how he was sorting things, but as the sun came up, he realized that he created a whole shelf for books he'd read with Cougar. Asimov, Gaiman, Vonnegut, Bronte, Austen all lined up like a timeline of their acquaintance. Jake almost shoved all of the books off the shelf, but instead he just stared at it for a long time. There weren't even a dozen books there. Sure, they'd read and returned a bunch of library books, but when displayed like this, their time together didn't even fill half a shelf. Jake had an entire wall of books, and the one's he'd shared with Cougar didn't even look significant.

Jake looked at those titles for another moment before walking over to another shelf and digging through the books. He tossed a few on the floor to get to what he was looking for, and he pulled out _Anne of Green Gables_ —Erin had given it to him as a joke when he was in his teens, insisting that he was Anne. By the end, he'd been in love with the book and had hidden it among his most treasured belongings. He added it to the shelf of books he'd shared with Cougar.

Next he attacked another shelf looking for _Alice in Wonderland_ because he wanted to hear what Cougar would have to say about it. Jake searched his shelves until Sam woke to open the shop, searching for books that if given the chance, he wanted to share with Cougar.

“Have you been doing this all night?” Sam asked around a yawn as she approached him, still wearing his clothes.

“Sleep wasn't happening, so I thought I'd rearrange.” Jake shrugged, adding another book to the shelf.

“Is there a method to your madness? Are all of the bindings going to make an image if I take a step back and squint?”

Jake laughed because he'd once tried to arrange Erin's DVDs to make a smiley face, but it had been a failure, and Erin couldn't find any of her movies afterward.

“These are the books I read with Cougar,” Jake said pointing to the small cluster on the left.

“And the rest of them?”

Jake knew he was blushing as he pulled off his glasses to clean the lenses. “Those are the ones I wish I had the time to,” Jake admitted. “Maybe he won't come back, but maybe the, um, next one should know the books that interest me. I mean, not everyone appreciates robots, and that is a deal breaker.”

“I think it's awesome, Jake,” she told him, kissing his on the cheek. “I've got to get to work, but you should come down later. We can people watch or something,” she said, giving his arm a squeeze.

“Yeah, I'll try to make it down.”

“You know you haven't flinched once since I've been here?” she noted, still holding onto him. It wasn't that Jake didn't like Sam touching him, but he usually flinched because she was definitely unpredictable.

“Huh. Guess you aren't as scary as you used to be,” he told her. She laughed and slapped him playfully, and he grinned back.

She was right. It was a little thing, but it made the morning seem a bit more bearable. So, Jake pulled out the fixings for pancakes once the sun was up, and he'd tired of tearing apart his shelves. His living room was a mess, but he felt accomplished.

Beth appeared around the time that the first chocolate chip pancake came off the griddle, a perfect golden brown. She was adorably sleep rumpled as she wandered into the kitchen in one of the pairs of pajamas that she kept at Jake's apartment.

“Pancakes again?” she asked, sounding delighted about the development.

“Yup, worked up an appetite, and what fun is a party if we don't have post party pancakes in the morning, right?” he replied, tearing the pancake he'd just taken off the griddle and handing her half. She took it happily and flopped it from hand to hand until it was cool enough to devour.

They gorged themselves on pancakes and when they were finally full, they laid on the living room floor because the couch was covered in books. Beth tugged at her tangled hair looking sad, and Jake knew exactly what was coming.

“I wish Mr. Cougar was here to braid my hair,” she told him. Jake thought he kept his face pretty neutral, but he still felt his heart clench.

“Why don't I braid your hair for you?” he offered, though the last time he'd attempted braids, Erin had needed to get a haircut because it had become so knotted up.

“Mom said you aren't allowed to do hair just like you aren't allowed to cook,” Beth told him skeptically.

“Well, I cooked last night didn't I?” Jake retorted.

“I _guess_ so.”

“I'll even watch a tutorial, how about that?” he asked. He'd learned how to repair his car from internet tutorials. How hard could braiding hair be?

Evidently really hard. Jake had cleared himself a seat on that couch, and Beth sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him. Jake had his laptop on the coffee table instructing him as he tried to brush out her tangles and separate the hair. He must have apologized a hundred times as he snagged a particularly angry knot.

When he actually started to try to braid the way the woman on the video did, he felt like his ordinarily dexterous fingers were betraying him. He got the first fold over, then there was a tuck under that he wasn't sure was right, followed by a fold over with more hair that definitely didn't look quite right, and by the time he got halfway down the side of her head, it looked like a moth had flown into a spider web and futilely tried to escape. Basically, it was a disaster.

Still, he tied a hair tie at the end, deciding to just master the other side, then go back and redo the first. The second might actually have been worse. In fact, he was pretty sure chewing gum would not have been this devastating.

“How's it look, Uncle Jake?” Beth asked, sounded endlessly optimistic.

Jake swallowed.

“I wish Cougar was here to do your hair, Munchkin.” He sighed in defeat.

“Uh oh,” she said, though she didn't sound terribly worried. He let her run to the bathroom to have a look, and all he could hear was laughter as she flipped on the lights.

She came back out, still wearing the ridiculous hairdo, a bright smile on her innocent face. “I like it,” she proclaimed, as she took a seat in front of him again. “But I get to do your hair,” she said, and Jake couldn't argue after what he'd done.

“Okay,” he agreed, taking her spot on the floor while she climbed up onto the couch.

Jake couldn't deny that it felt wonderful to have fingers massaging his head, and he really didn't care what she did to his hair in retaliation—she could dye it purple, and he really wouldn't mind. She used a bunch of hair ties to make a mohawk of ponytails because she didn't have gel with her. He quite liked the rainbow of hair ties holding the look together, though it was a reminder that he was in dire need of a haircut.

Beth was a good distraction, but it quickly disappeared when he drove her home in the afternoon. He was still mad at Erin, so he dropped Beth off and went back home to mope.

He had every intention of hiding in his apartment until work the next day, but Sam stuck her head out the café door as he parked. “Jacob Jensen, don't you dare go upstairs. Come over here and wipe down some tables for me,” she called to him.

Jake gave her a jaunty salute before wandering over to the shop, grabbing the rag she held out for him. He wiped down the tables outside while taking in the fresh spring air, and when he was done he went back inside and let Sam fuss over him between customers.

Jake doodled on the stack of napkins someone had left behind at the table he'd taken over, drawing little cartoons and bits of code for the project he still hadn't finished, but he found himself losing steam, and he excused himself after only an hour, leaving his napkins behind save for the sketch that resembled Cougar's hat. That got shoved deep in his pocket and carried with him.

When he got up to his apartment, he collapsed onto his own bed and just laid there staring at the ceiling until his eyes grew heavy enough for sleep. It didn't last more than an hour before he was awake again, hyper aware of everything around him. He punched his pillow before dragging himself out of bed and out to his computers. He'd work if he couldn't sleep.

That's how the following days went. Jake would catch sleep when his mind slowed down enough to allow it, then when it kicked back into high gear, he worked. He thought he was doing a remarkably good job of not wallowing and being productive. He suspected that neither Sam nor Beth agreed because on Wednesday, Erin showed up at his apartment looking serious.

“Hey, sis,” Jake greeted her tiredly. Sleep hadn't happened in over thirty-six hours, and Jake was starting to crash.

“My daughter's called me a monster twice this week because I evidently don't believe in true love and want you to die miserable,” Erin deadpanned as she walked past him.

“I don't know where she got that idea from,” Jake told her innocently.

Erin rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips as she stood in the middle of the disaster that was his living room. “Want to tell me what's going on with you? I mean start from the beginning. I know you're brokenhearted. Beth made sure to explain that part very well between the waterworks,” she asked, going into the kitchen to put tea water on the stove.

“Um, I wanted to tell you, I just kinda got distracted...”

“By a gorgeous man who was kind and understanding and everything you've ever wanted in a partner? Yeah, I've been stupid in love before, Jakey. I didn't have Beth because it was just something to do on a Saturday night. I was unfair about you not telling me.”

Jake laughed at that. He remembered Beth's father. Erin had been so over the moon about him that she'd barely gone to classes that semester, and she'd been devastated when she found out she was pregnant and only a year into law school. Then he'd left her on top of it. Jake had done a lot of babysitting his junior and senior years of high school. He'd missed a lot of school for Erin and Beth too.

“Jensen family curse. Brilliant but shit at relationships, right?” Jake asked, taking a seat at the counter.

“I don't know, Jakey. Word on the street is that you and Cougar were great together,” she said, joining him while she waited for the water to boil.

“Yeah, well if we were great, I wouldn't have said some stupid things to him, and he wouldn't have fled the state, possibly the country,” he retorted, feeling his eyes getting watery behind his glasses.

“And if I were a great sister, I wouldn't have given you that ultimatum. I'm really sorry, Jakey. I didn't realize how serious it was. I'm an ass. You—”

“It's not your fault. You were right. I have been quick to dump in the past. I had my reasons, but I didn't share them because I was ashamed. I didn't tell you a lot of things because I was ashamed. So, you were well within your rights to be concerned. I remember when you dumped your high school boyfriend because he called me a dweeb...seriously who even says dweeb? It's not like you don't practice what you preach,” he assured her.

He didn't blame her. Jake was old enough to know that no one was responsible for his actions but him. He'd learned that in the Army. That was part of the reason it had ended as it did. Jake couldn't follow orders if he didn't agree with them, and contrary to popular belief, Jensen did have a steady moral compass...most of the time.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I'm so proud of you right?”

“Why's that?”

“Why wouldn't I be, Jakey? You raised my baby at sixteen so that I could finish law school. You survived something no one should have to go through. You never gave up, and you're still here. I know I nag you about going overboard with Beth, but I wouldn't have been able to raise her without you. I'm even proud of you taking a chance on Cougar. I know how hard dating has been for you. I guess sometimes I just go a little overboard too,” she told him, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it.

Jake was definitely crying, but he was valiantly trying to not to sniffle. It was a lost cause as he tugged off his glasses and wiped his nose on his arm. He ended up telling her all about him and Cougar over three cups of tea. He didn't even gloss over their incredible night of body worship after their first date. He may have skipped the sex on the studio couch, but that wasn't as important. He definitely skipped the post 'Erin was a bitch to me today' sex too.

Erin listened without comment. She smiled and encouraged him when he'd pause to blush furiously at how sappy they'd been, but she ate it right up. So, Jake let himself get it all out, going on and on about things Erin probably had no desire to know. He managed to keep it to himself that Cougar had a tendency to bite his bottom lip when he orgasmed, but only just.

Instead he focused on how Cougar taught him how to cook, and how Jake read to him to calm him down. He focused on how he made Cougar the best hot chocolate, and Cougar improved upon the recipe. He even told her about the gun range because if nothing else convinced her that what he had with Cougar was different, that would.

“You've been busy the last few months, and here I thought I was the one living in a whirlwind,” Erin said after Jake had finished.

Jake laughed. It hadn't felt all that crazy, but when he thought about what he'd been doing before Cougar, maybe it was a little crazy. Jake had spent most of his time between his two jobs, and the rest of it went to helping out Erin with Beth. Then suddenly there was time for fooling around at the studio, time for cooking dinner, time for reading late into the night, time for dates and non-date dinners. Cougar brought flavor back into Jake's life when he hadn't even realized how bland it had become.

“Dammit, Erin. I'm gonna miss him,” Jake hiccuped as he glanced around the apartment.

“Maybe he'll come back,” she suggested, but she didn't sound convincing.

“It's over, Erin. He isn't a dog. He didn't jump out of the car and is finding his way home as we speak.”

“Jake, that's the plot to _Homeward Bound._ ”

“Exactly. This isn't a beloved children's movie with talking animals. Trust me, I would know if it was. You were right. I did ruin it for Beth,” he told her miserably. Erin was shaking her head at him fondly.

“It sounds to me like my daughter was having the time of her life while you two were together. I think she's more devastated that Cougar broke your heart than she is that he won't be at class anymore,” she told him, reaching out and fixing his messy hair like she always did when he was young.

“I don't see why. Cougar is way cooler than I am. She has every right to miss him...”

“You're an idiot, Jake. Who's been kissing her scraped knees since she was old enough to walk? Who created an entire princess themed room for her after I told her I wasn't up for it? Who built her Barbies a completely functional house? Who thinks up elaborate stories for her? Who taught her how to kick boys in the nuts long before Cougar ever arrived?”

Jake laughed at that. She'd been so excited to test that new knowledge out, he'd actually let her kick him. She hit hard for a seven year old, and Jake had collapsed dramatically. She'd put him in a headlock anyway because Beth never got distracted, and she always followed through.

“You know I'm alive because I nailed Sorensen in the nuts so hard that he blacked out, and I had time to escape?” Jake commented.

Erin froze. Jake knew it was because he never volunteered information about what had happened. Part of it was that it hurt to talk about it, but mostly it was because he didn't want to upset her. She'd been a wreck after he'd come home, blaming herself needlessly and wishing she could do more to help him. Jake tried to show her that he was better, and the only way he knew how was by erasing the past from conversations.

“I didn't,” she stuttered.

“Um, yeah, it was luck really. Not that I believe in all of that, but when it comes down to it, I should be dead. He should've closed his damn legs and shot me in the head...”

_It had been an objective that Jake hadn't agreed with from the start. This whole tour was like a trip down the rabbit hole that Jensen would rather forget. He'd only re-upped because Erin was just getting her legs under her, and she could use every bit of help he could send her way. So, the regular paychecks had seemed worth the trip back to the Sandbox._

_However, not long after arriving, Jake was noticing things that made the hair on the back of his neck raise, and his brain start to question orders. Jensen had been questioning orders from the start, but that was his nature—just because he questioned them to himself didn't mean he disobeyed them. Now though, Jake wanted to disobey. He wanted to use his laptop to find out exactly what was going on in this godless outpost and send it to the evening news._

_Jake valued his life though, so he kept his probes very discrete. Jake found nothing official in any sort of writing no matter how deep he probed, but something wasn't right. His unit had just missed one too many attacks. Not missed as in didn't quite get there fast enough to be of help. More missed as in, they happened right after they left. No one had that kind of luck out here. No one that wasn't making the luck themselves. Jake had a theory, but it wasn't a pretty one._

_As the weeks passed and the hurry up and wait got tedious, Jake began to notice that his ramblings we beginning to grate on his unit. The previous tour, his unit had laughed at his constant chatter. They'd try to find the most bizarre topics for him to prattle about, and it had been somewhat of a contest to see who could find a topic that Jake wasn't well versed in. Private Jones had thought he'd won when he laughingly told Jake to talk about pleasing a woman._

_Jake had talked for five hours about the mechanics of the female orgasm and how to best meet a woman's needs to not only bring her pleasure but to build it at the perfect speed for a truly satisfying release. Jake was still receiving Christmas cards yearly from grateful wives and girlfriends._

_Now though, his fellow soldiers seemed to be put on edge by his talking. Jake tried to talk less, but then his brain thought more about how he didn't trust these guys or the ones making decisions._

_Jake was just starting to think he understood what was happening when he unit was sent to guard an envoy headed into the nearest city. Jake felt uneasy from the start. Sorensen sat next to him in the back of the vehicle, and Martinez was across from him. Jake usually travel with Fredricks and Jones. The tension in the vehicle was maddening._

_“You've got your foot tapping a mile a minute man, chill out,” Martinez told him as they made slow progress._

_“It's either the tappy foot or talking. I don't do the whole zen is me, stillness thing,” Jake told him, tapping even faster._

_Sorensen rolled his eyes, but he didn't tell Jake to stop. Jake wouldn't have anyway, but at least he didn't have to get confrontational._

_Sorensen kept glancing at Jake as they rode, as if he was trying to figure something out. Jake wasn't sure what exactly, but he felt himself sweating even more than usual in his body armor—if that was even possible at this point._

_When the first explosion hit, everyone was taken by surprise. The vehicle shook, and men scrambled for their weapons as they tried to recover. When the second IED detonated, there was chaos. Jake followed protocol, and he tried to keep his senses about him. This wasn't his first firefight._

_He killed two combatants with efficiency, and he was heading around one of the vehicles to check on Martinez when he felt the knife slide between the plates in his tac vest. Jake could do little more than gasp as he felt the person behind him reached around to pull the emergency release on his vest—right where Sorensen's eyes had continually drifted. Three impacts hit his back as he stumbled forward, and his protection fell away. Pain so brilliantly vivid erupted in his back as he fell to his knees._

_Jake looked up to see Martinez approaching him from the front end of the truck. Jake didn't need to glance behind himself to know it was Sorensen that put the bullets in him. Martinez looked annoyed as he walked forward, removing a knife from his vest._

_“Always with the fucking noise, Jensen. Should've learned about that zen shit. Maybe you wouldn't be dead now if you had. You know you talk in your sleep if you haven't slept in days? Can't have you snooping around anymore, JJ,” Martinez told him, slashing down his ribs then again across his stomach. “And I can't let Sorensen take all the glory, you know?” he told Jake before burying the knife in Jensen's side._

_Jake cried out as he looked down at the blossoms of red spreading across his standard issue shirt. It felt like the world slowed as Martinez turned his back and walked away, lifting his weapon to join the fight again. Jake fell to the ground, using all of his coordination to land on his back instead of the knife in his side. He stared up at the smoke filled sky until Sorensen took up all of his vision. He held a non standard issue firearm, pointing straight at Jake's head._

_All Jake could think was that he really wanted to see Beth's first day of kindergarten. As Sorensen stood over him, Jake kicked up between Sorensen's legs with every ounce of strength he could call upon. He aimed behind his groin guard and by the grace of some higher power, Sorensen buckled to the ground like a marionette cut from his strings._

_Jake rolled to his stomach and dragged himself across the ground away from the burning convoy, but there was no hiding the trail of blood that followed him. He didn't know what the plan was. The will to survive wasn't a well planned thing, just an intangible need to keep existing. Martinez was going to come back for him. He was going to kill him, and Sorensen was going to be so mad when he could locate his testicles again._

_Still Jensen crawled on his belly, pulling his body along slower than a snail because he wanted to live even if only for another minute. The pain was so much that Jake could barely fill his lungs without increasing it tenfold. This was it._

_“Sorry, girls,” he said, mouth half full of dirt because he didn't have the strength to lift his head anymore. He could hear footsteps behind him, and he knew that either Martinez or Sorensen was coming to finish the job._

_The last thing he remembered was hearing the dull thump of a high caliber bullet hitting the hard dirt. There was a curse behind him that sounded a lot like 'sniper,' but the darkness was already taking him by then._

“Truth is, I don't know who saved me. At first I thought it was an Afghan soldier, but it had to be one of our own because their report—which I never got to see—corroborated my story. They wouldn't have taken someone's report if they weren't ours, cocky bastards. I never got to thank the guy who saved my life, and I never got to find out what Martinez and Sorensen were really up to. It was all classified way above my head. I was in the middle of it, and I'm not allowed to know about it,” Jake told her. “They took the information I found out on my own then kicked me out...honorably, which I guess was them thinking they were doing me a service.”

“I'm sorry, Jake. God, I'm so grateful you're alive,” Erin told him, pulling him against her chest and kissing his head the way their grandmother used to when they were small. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You deserved to know. I just never knew how to tell you,” he admitted.

“You did a fine job,” she said, rubbing his back. “We need food,” she told him.

“I can cook us something.”

“No way.”

“But I told you I can cook now.”

“But we need garbage that will clog our arteries and make us happy,” she told him, and Jake laughed. They ended up ordering pizza and spreading out all over the living room floor with blankets and pillows from the couch and beds.

“You probably guessed this, but it's the scars. That's why it never works out. I mean, it's not the scars, it's that partners can never accept my past, and I can never be honest with them because I'm all mess up in the head. The scars are just the thing that brings that all out,” Jake explained between bites of pizza.

“I'm sorry, Jakey. I can't imagine how that must feel. I know you don't want Beth to see them, and I respect that, but you don't need to hide from me. You never have. Obviously, I'm not what Cougar was to you, but I don't want you to think that Cougar's the only person who'll ever be able to embrace your past. We've been in this together since you were too young to talk nonstop,” she joked. Jake actually laughed and wrapped his arm around her.

“You're the best, sis,” he told her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“I haven't been, but I'll try to be better,” she told him.

 


	23. Chapter 23

Jake went back to his old routine though he cooked himself dinner more often than he had in the past—there was really no going back to ramen after experiencing Cougar's cooking. Seriously, Cougar's cooking was just as good as his lovemaking, and Jake really wasn't sure how a human being could be so skilled at multiple things. He definitely didn't think it was fair. There should be rules against such things.

Jake added books to what he'd come to recognize as his and Cougar's shelf when he came across a good one. He even found himself purchasing his own copy of _Frenchman's Creek_ especially for it. He wondered if Cougar would always be escaping or if he'd one day settle down. Jake hoped he could settle, because Cougar deserved happiness as much as Jake did.

That was something Jake had been working on a lot, recognizing that he deserved to be happy. He'd begun seeing his therapist again, and it was slow progress but if nothing else, his breakdown had showed him that he needed to work on himself and not just expect Cougar to fix everything.

Several weeks into his post Cougar slump, Beth reminded Jake that he'd promised to go to the picnic for her self-defense class. Jake cringed, remembering sharing milkshakes with her and Cougar the night Beth had thought it up. He was a bit surprised that they were still having it, but there was no way of getting out of it since he'd put in for the day over a month ago.

Jake didn't sleep the night before the picnic as he carefully cooked three trays of empanadas. He'd sat up until nearly two trying to think of what to cook, settling on Cougar's empanadas because if Cougar couldn't be with them, then at least a part of him would be. Jake hated how sentimental he'd become, almost throwing all three trays in the trash in a fit of anger, but he covered them and packed them into his car to drive them over to the park. It may have been only two blocks away, and he was completely capable of carrying all three trays at once, but cars made for fast getaways.

As Jensen pulled up along the sidewalk outside the park, he had to take a steadying breath. There were a lot of people there. Pooch must have extended the invitation to some or all of his other classes as well. He told himself that he didn't need to make small talk with everyone. He wouldn't get stuck in the crowd, and there certainly wasn't anywhere to get stuck without an exit.

He grabbed the trays and stacked them, so he didn't need to make several trips, and located Pooch over at one of the grills that were built into the park just for occasions such as this. His wife was next to him holding a small boy on her hip and swaying back and forth as she laughed at something Pooch said. Jake could do this. Sure he wasn't having a good day in the anxiety department, but this was something he could handle. Or at least, he hoped it was.

“Jake! Wasn't sure we'd see you today. It's good to have you, and you brought food,” Pooch greeted him happily.

“Um, yeah. Promised Beth I wouldn't miss it. Good to see you,” Jake replied, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.

“You can just put the trays on the table, Jake. I'm Jolene.” Pooch's wife introduced herself. “Pooch has told me a lot about you.”

“Nice to meet, Mrs. Pooch. And is this the Pooch Pup?” Jake couldn't help himself, but Jolene laughed sweetly at his words. Jake could see Pooch rolling his eyes in his peripheries.

“What did you bring?” Pooch changed the subject, though he didn't look annoyed by Jensen's comments.

“Oh, um, it's...um...empanadas. Cougar's recipe. Promise they won't poison anyone.” Jake fumbled with his words, feeling awkward about bringing his ex-boyfriend's recipe to a party that said ex-boyfriend's friend was hosting. He mentally berated himself for being so stupid, but Jolene looked elated.

“Seriously? Cougar gave you his recipe? We've been trying to get that recipe out of him for years, but he always said it was an Alvarez family secret,” Pooch told him.

“Well, I mean he didn't write it down or anything, but he showed me how to make—”

“He showed you? I don't believe you. You've got to be lying,” Pooch said, waving his arms in disbelief. “Cougar is the most territorial cook I've ever met. He once threw one of those giant carving forks at Clay for going into the kitchen for his lighter while Cougar was cooking.”

“Can it, Linwood. I'm sure these are delicious, and I know Cougar would be so happy you brought them,” Jolene told Jake.

Jake gave her a grateful smile.

“Feel free to grab a patch of grass and make yourself at home, or grab a picnic table, though we're using a bunch of them to put the food on,” Pooch told him, waving to the whole park.

Jake nodded before making his escape. He muttered to himself as he went back to his car to grab the blanket he had packed. It was the same blanket that Cougar and he had had their picnic on during their hike. He stared at the soft checkered material for a moment before tucking it under his arm and grabbing the book he'd started reading the night before. If he was reading, perhaps people would leave him alone.

Jake set up under one of the large maple trees, sitting down and opening his book. He found his page but couldn't focus on reading, too hyper aware of his surroundings. People were arriving and mingling, and Jake didn't know many of them. He recognized others from working in the library or as parents of Beth's friends. However, there were too many strangers crushing in for Jake to relax.

When he spotted Erin, he breathed a sigh of relief. Beth came running up to him, and he dropped his book in order to catch her. “Hey sweetpea,” he said as he kissed the side of her head.

“I'm so happy you came,” she told him, hugging him tightly.

“Wouldn't miss it for anything. Even brought us this sweet picnic blanket,” Jake said, running his fingers through her loose blonde hair.

Jake looked up at Erin, who was giving him the 'are you okay with this' look, nodding to her as Beth crawled over him and sprawled out on the blanket in her little purple sundress. Erin was also in a sundress. Hers was sage colored and it went beautifully with her strawberry blonde hair.

“Aren't I lucky? I get to sit with the two prettiest ladies here,” Jake said as he made room for Erin on the blanket.

“I'm gonna sit with Mandy,” Beth told him as she smiled up at him.

“Oh, I see how I rate,” Jake said.

“You're here to push us on the swings,” Beth said seriously, and Erin broke out in laughter.

“She's got your number,” Erin said, taking a seat and tucking her legs in to the side.

Jake grumbled, but he reached over and tickled Beth until she was kicking out and giggling uncontrollably. Erin rolled her eyes at them, and she plucked his book up off the blanket.

“ _Zorro_?” she said, raising an eyebrow at him. “Man, you have it so bad,” she told him, shaking her head.

“Got what so bad?” Beth asked, looking over at her mom.

“It,” Jake replied at the same time as his sister did.

“Love,” Erin told her daughter.

“Aw, come on Erin. I'm not that bad,” Jake complained, trying to snatch the book back from his sister.

“Really? Are you or are you not reading a book about a dashing Latino vigilante?” she asked him, smirk firmly in place.

“I can see we've moved on from the caring and concerned big sister to the evil and teasing big sis routine,” Jake complained.

“You didn't answer the question.”

“Yes, okay? I am reading a book about Zorro who happens to have some _minor_ similarities to a certain ex of mine. Is there a law against that?” Jake asked, snatching his book back and sitting on top of it before his sister started reading it aloud.

“Nope none at all. Just wanted to know if you were still madly in love with him,” Erin said, fixing her dress to lay nicely.

“And why is that?” Jake asked.

"Because I'm your sister, Jake.  After the designated waiting period, I'm going to tease you so hard about this.  Zorro!  Oh, I wouldn't change you for anything," she told him, reaching out and squeezing his cheek.  

“I _hate_ you,” Jake told her, feeling foolish.

“That's for turning my prom date blue,” Erin told him.

“I told you I wasn't responsible for that,” Jake told her primly.

“I'm sure you didn't twist your ankle trying to beat up Carlos either,” she retorted.

Jake just shrugged. He would not admit guilt, that was never a good idea. Instead, he offered to push Beth and her friends on the swings. Beth jumped at the opportunity, grabbing Jake's hand to pull him along.

Jake hung out with the kids for well over an hour. He pushed them on the swings, spotted them on the jungle gym, and chased them around the park. Some of the parents came and went, but Jake seemed to have been deemed babysitter while the other adults mingled. Jake didn't mind that one bit.

Pooch came over with his son after about an hour. “Hey, there's food if you want it. I can watch these guys if you need a break,” he offered as he placed his son in the kiddie swing.

“I'm okay,” Jake told him. The thought of eating wasn't really appealing at the moment. Jake kept seeing Cougar when he looked around, and he thought he might be crazy or delusional or just paranoid, and he didn't really want to spew his lunch all over the park in front of a bunch of people.

“Dude, go grab some food. You look like you could use a break,” Pooch insisted, and Jake just nodded and wandered toward the food tables. Erin was over there talking to Jolene and surprisingly Aisha. Aisha was telling them both about a really great way to get stains out of clothing.

Jake did a double take when he saw her. She didn't so much look different as she looked relaxed. She was in the same oversized tank top, black pants, and boots as he often saw her in. She was smiling though at his sister and Jolene.

Erin smiled at him as he put together a small plate of food, but she was too busy having girl time to come join him. He went back to his blanket and took a seat. He picked at his food while he people watched. Pooch seemed to be holding his own with the kids, Beth holding his son while he played the human jungle gym for her friends. Jake smiled at the way Pooch seemed to love kids as much as Cougar had. It was good that they had someone awesome to take his place because Jake didn't think he would let Beth stay in the class if Clay had taken over.

Jake was trying to find Erin in the crowd of bodies when he saw Cougar again. Jake blinked, but he didn't disappear this time. He was just entering the park with his arm wrapped around a gorgeous woman. She had long dark hair and curves, and her skin was golden brown like Cougar's. She was laughing at something Cougar said.

Cougar looked happy too. There was no tension in his shoulders like Jake often saw. He was wearing torn jeans and his bullseye shirt that hugged his chest perfectly. Jake bit his lip, telling himself that this was his imagination. He'd been reading too much Austen. Cougar wasn't walking back into his life, or at least Jake hoped he wasn't because he most definitely looked taken.

Jake pushed his plate away. He wasn't really hungry anymore. Suddenly, Erin was back on the blanket with him trying to make conversation that didn't involve Cougar. Jake watched as Cougar introduced his girlfriend to people as they walked up to greet him. She seemed to enchant everyone she met from what Jake could tell. Jake felt sick. He wasn't enchanting. He made people shake their heads because he was loud and obnoxious, and he didn't know when to back off, and he should've known he was easily replaceable. The first real conversation he had with Cougar involved them punching each other.

Jake took a deep breath and looked away.

“Hey, you're going to be okay, Jakey,” Erin told him when he looked at her pleading. “You can go home if you want. Beth will understand.”

Jake bit his lip and looked back to where Cougar was talking to Pooch and the kids. Jake got a good look at the woman with Cougar, and he realized that he knew her.

“You can't be serious,” Jake groaned, pulling his glasses off to clean them. He looked again when they were clean, and no, that was definitely her.

“What? What happened?” Erin asked eyes following Jake's.

“Carmen. He's dating the hot news anchor he'd watch every morning on mute. How did he even...Man, why am I even surprised? He's successful and gorgeous spouse material,” Jake said, accidentally knocking over the fruit punch he'd gotten with his meal. He watched as it splashed all over his khaki shorts, and he laughed. “And I'm me,” he finished, picking up the almost empty cup and putting it out of the way.

Cougar was standing in the middle of all of the children now, and they were so excited that they were practically climbing his leg. Pooch didn't look surprised to see Cougar, just giving him a fist bump. The bastard hadn't warned Jake. Jake took back all of the nice thoughts he had about Pooch.

“No, Jake, you're awesome. Stop that right now. Maybe they're just friends. Even if they are together, him being with her doesn't mean you're any less awesome—”

“Oh shit, they're coming this way,” Jake said as he watched as Beth pointed at them, and Cougar turned to look. Carmen started tugging him in their direction. “She's probably coming over here to tell me to stay away from her man. What are you doing Erin? Where are you going?” Jake asked as Erin got to her feet and greeted Carlos with a hug before excusing herself.

Jake wished Erin was still far too over protective of him as she ran away just as Cougar looked down at Jake who was pretty much still sitting in a puddle of fruit punch.

“Hola,” Cougar said softly. He was wearing the hat as always, and Jake couldn't see his eyes. Even so, Jake could tell he was no longer relaxed as he'd been when he arrived.

“Hey. Long time no see. No goodbye, no reply to my messages, no hey I'm still alive,” Jake said as he looked up at the good looking pair. He couldn't hold his tongue if his life depended on it. He used to be able to, but now he found being honest was much more satisfying.

“I was needed elsewhere,” Cougar said softly.

“I can see that,” Jake said, forcing a smile at Carmen.

“Hello, I'm Carmen. It's so nice to meet you,” she said with a big smile she never used on TV, but she was beautiful, and Jake was jealous of it. She had less of an accent than Carlos when she spoke English, and Jake realized that he'd never actually heard her voice before now. Cougar never watched her with sound.

“I know who you are. You always wear pencil skirts on TV. I must say, that you're even prettier in person,” he told her because he couldn't be mean to her no matter how much his heart hurt. He wasn't going to extend the same courtesy to Cougar though. However, before Jake could say anything else, Carlos spoke up.

“Carmen is my sister, Jake,” Cougar said, and Jake could almost see the eye roll he was doing.

“Is that what the kids are callin' it these days?” Jake said sharply, and Carmen laughed, but Cougar seemed to bristle at the implication.

“You are as sharp tongued as he said you were, but I'm afraid to tell you that he is actually my brother. Our mother should be coming by with my daughters soon,” Carmen explained, and Jake almost swallowed his tongue.

“ _Seriously_?” He scrambled to his feet, completely ignoring the fact that half of his shorts were stained with fruit punch.

“Sí,” Cougar said, holding Carmen tight to his side like he might bite anyone who got too close.

“But—”

“Not now,” Cougar said, shaking his head.

“You made our mother's empanadas,” Carmen said, changing the subject as Cougar tensed. Carlos grumbled beside her, but Jake couldn't help but notice that Carmen seemed pleasantly amused by it.

“I only know how to cook what Cougar taught me. So if it wasn't her empanadas it would've been her enchiladas or tamales. Or ramen. I can cook ramen,” Jake told her bashfully.

“Mamá will love it, won't she, Carlito?” Carmen asked, knocking her hip against his.

Cougar hummed softly. Carmen frowned at him.

“Would you excuse us uno momento?” she asked Jake, tugging Cougar away. “All you do while we drive is say Jake this, Jake that. Jake works at a library isn't that cool? Jake knows a lot about computers. Jake wears silly shirts but in a good way,” Carmen said, and Jake could hear every word not spoken softly enough. It was interesting to see this happen to someone else because Erin had done this enough times to him. “All you talk about is Jake. Why are you not talking now? He is right there looking adorable in his stained pants.”

“It is over. I have nothing to say,” Cougar said, far more softly than Carmen, but Jake felt it like a punch in the gut. Quickly grabbing his book and the wet blanket, he walked away as fast as he could without looking like he was fleeing. He was. He could admit that, but he didn't want everyone else to witness it.

Shoving the blanket into the passenger seat, he got behind the wheel and sped away. When he got to his building all of a minute and a half later, he got out and walked right into the coffee shop.

“Coffee, and make it Irish,” Jake demanded as he got to the front of the line.

Sam looked at him like he'd grown an extra head. “Do I look like I have a liquor license?”

“You look like you have a bottle of whiskey in your maintenance closet for the nights you stay late to do your bills,” Jake told her, giving her the pleading eyes.

Sam sighed. “You okay, Jake?”

“Not at all. I just want to mix some uppers and downers. It's no big deal...”

“Said no one ever. Go sit. I'll see what I can do for you,” she told him.

Jake didn't have to wait long before a decadent cup of coffee was placed in front of him. It was strong, made more so by the amount of alcohol she'd added. Jake would never say that Sam didn't take care of him when he needed it most.

“If that's gone in two minutes, I am going to be royally pissed off,” she told him, reaching up to ruffle his hair. Then she tugged the cup back before he could grab it. “Go get your laptop. I'm babysitting you.”

Jake did as asked and retrieved his laptop so he could stay in the coffee shop with her. That's where Erin found him. She looked like she'd spent a little too much time in the sun, collapsing into the seat beside him and resting her head on his shoulder.

“Why'd you bolt, Jake? She's his sister, and she's quite lovely when you talk to her,” Erin said, lifting Jake's cup and taking a sip only to sit bolt upright. “Jesus, that is poison. Warn a girl.” she frowned, pushing the cup over to him again.

“It wasn't Carmen. She was really nice. Cougar doesn't want anything to do with me,” Jake told her, lifting his arm to run his fingers through her hair. He was pretty drunk, and he'd put off more than a few customers with his ramblings and tears. He'd mellowed out now though, and it felt nice to have Erin against him.

“I'm sorry, Jake,” she said, squeezing his thigh beneath the table.

“Where's Beth?” he asked.

“So, Beth and Carmen's daughter got on like a house on fire. They insisted that they couldn't be separated just yet, so Carlos promised to return my daughter to me this evening.”

“Those damn Alvarezs and their irresistible charm. Us Jensens just don't stand a chance,” Jake lamented, taking another sip of his drink—he didn't know what Erin was talking about. This drink was delicious.

“If Carlos had a brother, I would not mind falling for an Alvarez of my own,” Erin said, laughing softly.

“Just sisters as far as I know,” Jake told her.

“I have the worst luck. Should never have let you bring Beth to class. Maybe then I'd have my own Alvarez.”

“You wouldn't have fucked it up like I did.”

“That doesn't mean it would've worked out. Why don't we get you up to bed?” Erin asked as she pulled herself up and looked down at him in concern. “You look like you're beat. Did you sleep last night?”

“I was too nervous about the picnic. How embarrassing is it to make someone else's recipe and then they show up to find out?”

“Cougar's mom came up to tell me how good they were, Jake. No one thinks you're weird...because of that, anyway. Even Cougar said it was sweet,” she said before pulling him up and dragging him outside, so they could go up to his apartment.

Jake let Erin push him into bed and fuss over him. He didn't even complain when she kissed his forehead and tucked him in.

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I've been neglecting this fic a lot lately because life got hectic, and I'd also signed up for some challenges that I needed to finish. Sorry about that. I hadn't meant to let this get away from me, but it got away from me anyway.
> 
> The good news is that there are only three chapters left after this. The better news is (depending on if you don't like to have to wait for things) I want to finish posting this by the end of next week, so when life inevitably gets hectic during the holidays, this doesn't get forgotten again.
> 
> So, the tentative schedule for the last three chapters is chapter 25 goes up on Sunday evening, chapter 26 on Tuesday, and the epilogue will go up on Friday. Then I'll hopefully have a new long fic to start posting by the following week. *fingers crossed*

Jake woke to find a glass of water and pain killers next to his bed. He gladly drank them both down. His body ached more from the extended period without sleep followed by drunk sleep than it did from the hangover.

Still, Jake sluggishly pulled himself out of bed and groped around on his nightstand for his glasses. They were horribly smudged when he looked through them, and he spent the walk from his room to the bathroom trying to clean them on his t-shirt.

He walked into the kitchen a couple minutes later and froze as he saw a cup of coffee steaming on his counter top. Jake whipped his head around, but no one was there. He balled his hands into fists and marched over, prepared to toss the cup out the window until he saw the note underneath. He would've thrown that out too, but it was much longer than those left for him in the past.

Jake took a breath, picked up the scrap of paper, and started to read.

 

Jake,

—First, I would like to apologize for never telling you who Carmen was. It was cowardly, but I knew if you knew you would have made me contact her. You would have understood what a coward I am, watching her daily but denying her even the knowledge of my survival.

I would also like to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I'm sorry if it was cause for you to leave the picnic. That wasn't my intention. I was ~~uncomfortable~~ afraid to talk to you. Afraid that if I spoke to you that it would be obvious that I still love you as much as when I left. You had been so adamant when I left that I was afraid to let myself hope you would have a change of heart.

I had not intended to leave, I wanted to be with my family. I've wanted that for over two years, and after what happened between us I missed my family even more. I've worried for them constantly, and I was afraid I could not be what you needed with such fear in my heart. I watched the news to see Carmen, but as I watched I started to not see the sister I remembered. Something weighed on her, and so it weighed on me.

You told me I'd never be happy here until I faced my past, and I knew you were right. I asked Aisha and Clay to come with me because I did not know what I would find, only that Carmen looked more hollow every day. I would've asked you to go with me, but I didn't think I had the right to ask that. Maybe I was just afraid to ask.

When I arrived, it was to a broken family. ~~One I did my part in breaking.~~

Carmen's husband died in combat while I was presumed dead. I was not there for her or my nieces, and they thought they'd lost us both. Her bosses gave her trouble because she wanted to be able to spend more time with her daughters—to help them adjust and come to terms with their grief. Then her landlord started to give her trouble because the expenses were burying her, so she moved back in with my mother.

Aisha handled her boss, but Carmen agreed to come live with me as did my mother. I think they were relieved to leave it all behind, even the girls. They need a fresh start as much as I do. So, because of you I have my family again, and you are right—they do not find me a burden.

I hadn't intended to them here, but what you said played on my mind while I was away. You said you feared the night when we'd wake to each other's nightmares, but we wouldn't comfort each other. I woke to nightmares while I was away, and I found myself lying on my back for hours. I would glance to the side from time to time as though you were still beside me, and I wondered if you were sleeping well. I worried that you had woken much as I had, but no one was with you. I worried that no one was there to remind you to sleep when you worked too hard. I worried that you weren't eating well.

It was those nights that I itched to call you, to read with you over the phone even if we didn't have the same book in front of us. I could never turn away while you suffered. Walking away when you asked me to was hard enough, ~~but I'd rather never sleep again and hold you through every bad night than I would turn my back on your pain~~.

I left, not because I wished to go, but because you made it clear that I was no longer welcome. I left town, not because I wished to be rid of you completely, but because my family needed me.

Until yesterday, I was certain that our time together was over. But you were worried. You said as much when you said I didn't call. You were jealous until we told you Carmen is my sister. I could see it in your eyes. I've seen it pointed at me before.

It gave me hope. Not hope that you were miserable without me, but hope that maybe there was still a place for me here. It gave me hope that maybe you still feel the same way I do.

Now you know how I feel. So, I leave it up to you. You know where to find me if you feel the way I do.

 

                                                                                With all my love,

                                                                       —Carlos—

P.S. I like our shelf. I hope you don't mind, but I added a book.

 

Jake glanced into his living room as he finished the letter. He didn't know how to feel. Part of him was overjoyed that Cougar still wanted him, but part of him was terrified. It was the same part that had pushed Cougar away the first time. Cougar wasn't the only one aware of his own cowardice.

Jake walked over and browsed their shelf, not seeing anything new at first. Then he realized that it wasn't exactly new. They'd read it, but Jake hadn't owned it.

“Seriously?” he cried as he pulled the book off the shelf.

\---

Jake strode into the studio without pausing to see if anyone else was there. He just walked right in, holding Cougar's note and book.

“Seriously? Austen? The note? You picked _Persuasion_ to use to woo me? You're not even a sailor!” Jake marched straight over to Cougar, who was standing in the middle of the mats. He paid no mind to the other people in the room, including, but not limited to, Cougar's sister and niece.

“I like robots, Cougs, and you give me regency romance!” he said as he grabbed Cougar around the waist, reeling him into Jake's body. Cougar did not fight him, holding him securely. “I would've built you a robot that would tell you the exact shade of your eyes and how they make me think of liquid amber which makes me think of dinosaurs which are awesome. I would've risked sentient A.I. for you.” Jake leaned in, kissing Cougar with every ounce of longing he'd felt while Cougar was away. “I—”

“You wanted romance; I gave you romance. I cannot build you robots. I cannot even hold the books we read steady most nights, but I can be steadfast, so I chose _Persuasion_ ,” Cougar breathed back, pressing his sweaty forehead to Jake's as their noses brushed together.

“Fine, I'll admit, it's pretty romantic. I mean, you could've just stood under my window with a boombox, blasting Peter Gabriel, and I would've gotten the idea, but breaking into my apartment to leave me a love/apology letter is pretty cute too. Not John Hughes cute, but still cute. More I'm dating a wanted criminal cute.”

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Te amo con todo mi corazón, but I am in the middle of a lesson, so maybe we could argue how best I could've apologized a little later?”

Jake pulled back and looked around at the smiling faces of the waitresses from the bar, as well as Cougar's family. Blushing, he ducked his face down against Cougar's shoulder, and Cougar cradled the back of his head for a moment, before swatting his ass and pointing Jake toward his sister and niece.

Jake walked over to them sheepishly. Carmen was grinning, but her daughter looked annoyed. “Sorry you had to witness us be a couple of idiots,” Jake apologized as he sat next to them. “I'm Jake,” he said, holding his hand out to Cougar's niece.

“You ruined our whole plan to get you back together,” the girl complained.

“I did what?”

“We had it all planned out. Tricking you into meeting each other so you'd fall in love again. Dragging you two to the same things and running into each other. It was gonna be perfect, and you ruined it by making up with each other,” she pouted.

Carmen was beside her daughter, laughing quietly to herself as Jake looked at her in confusion. “They had a busy day after the picnic. They were very concerned about you and my brother's happiness, or maybe just the opportunity to meddle,” Carmen told him, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.

Jake returned the greeting, his head still wrapping around how quickly Beth and Cougar's niece had come up with a plan of attack. “Sorry, about that, but what's your name?”

“Jake this is Anita. Anita, please don't terrify your uncle's boyfriend. It must be difficult enough putting up with Carlito,” Carmen gently scolded her daughter.

Jake snorted as he started to laugh too hard, glancing up to see Cougar looking at him with a disgruntled, though affectionate, expression. Carmen definitely had her brother's sense of dry humor, but the difference was she said it all out loud whereas Cougar said it through facial expressions.

“You wouldn't happen to be the sister who coined Uncle Jesús?” he asked between peals of laughter.

“I can't believe he admitted that to you! He was so sensitive about his hair when it was growing out,” she told him, and even Anita was laughing about it.

“Really? I can't imagine Cougar sensitive about anything. He's like the most self-assured guy I know,” Jake said, glancing over at Cougar again, who was carefully blocking attacks from the girls.

“He is, but _everyone_ picked on the hair. We picked on it because we didn't want to point out the limp he had or the distant stares. We didn't want to make him feel defective, so he teased about something superficial to take his mind off it. He didn't realize what we were doing at the time. Maybe he has realized since,” she said, but her mood became somber. “It was my husband who started it. He was a Captain, a lifer like Carlito, but he wasn't Special Forces. They always understood each other better than the rest of us could,” she choked, and Jake was afraid she was about to cry. Before she could, Cougar was pulling her up into his arms and rubbing her back.

Anita looked sad too, but she put on a brave face in front of her mom. Jake bit his lip and opened his arms, and she quietly leaned in for a hug. Jake watched as Becky and Melanie ushered the other waitresses out to give them some privacy.

“Lo siento. Lo siento, Carlito. I didn't mean to make a scene,” Carmen apologized, her face still pressed to his chest.

Cougar quieted her, promising he didn't care at all. He wiped away his sister's runny makeup with the pads of his thumbs and kissed her forehead. When Carmen pulled herself together, she looked just like she did on TV, and Jake understood how Cougar had known things were wrong. She didn't look bad at all, but there was an iron to her that was from trying so hard to keep her composure. It worked for her as an anchor with the amount of bad news out there, but here in the studio it made Jake's heart ache a little.

“Carmen,” Cougar said, as she pulled away from him, both physically and emotionally—another trait they shared, the ability to pull away so fast.

“Yes, Carlito?” she asked, sounding sunny once again, but now Jensen knew it was all for show.

“Come,” Carlos said, tugging her wrist as he walked toward the back office.

“I promise, I'm fine, Carlos...”

“You aren't, and you don't have to be. I'm here now. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, but I'm here now, and you don't need to put on an act for us,” Carlos told her, facing her once again.

“It's okay, mamá. He's right,” Anita told her mother, still clinging to Jake like she was afraid of pulling away. “I know you're sad. You don't need to pretend you aren't.”

That seemed to make Carmen crack, and Jake felt like he was definitely intruding as Carmen threw herself into Cougar's arms as she sobbed loudly.

“You want some ice cream while they're fixing things?” Jake asked Anita. She looked torn at first, but she seemed to decide that it was better if she left, and gave him a silent nod. Jake waved to Cougar and escorted Anita next door.

Anita got a sundae while Jake stuck to a milkshake. He wasn't about to tell her she couldn't have ice cream before noon. He figured, she deserved it.

“So—”

“Uncle Carlos really likes you. He told abuela that he'd happily suffer eternal damnation for you. Abuela promised to pray for both of your souls if he was that serious about it,” Anita told him, making Jake choke on his milkshake. “Don't take that the wrong way. That's how she shows love. She prays for mamá's soul because her tortillas are always soggy. And she prays for Tía Maria...for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she says it isn't healthy for one woman to own so many cats. Anyway, Uncle Carlos really likes you, so what are your intentions toward my uncle?”

Jake was still getting over Carlos' mother's reaction and the fact that he'd told her about Jake in the first place. “Um, well, I love your uncle. I can be a bit of a bonehead sometimes...”

“He mentioned that. Then he started speaking a language I don't know, but I thinking he was cursing at you.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. I was a bit of a...how old are you anyway?”

“Thirteen.”

“Yes! Finally, PG-13. Ass. That's what I was,” Jake told her.

“Sorry my mom's emotional breakdown is putting a cramp in your reunion,” Anita apologized, but Jake just shrugged.

“To be honest, we're not gonna be good until Cougar works some stuff out with your family. He's been hurting without you guys, kinda like your mom has, so maybe this will be good for all of you. I needed to work my own stuff out too,” Jake said, stirring his shake with his straw.

Anita nodded like she understood. They finished their treats while they talked about the local soccer league. It turned out that Anita also played, and Jake was more than excited that Beth would have a new friend to play with. It also turned out that Cougar's family was staying with Pooch, and Carmen's younger daughter was the one that had become fast friends with Beth. Her name was Carla, and Jake couldn't fight his smile at that. He was certain that Cougar was quietly proud of being her namesake.

Anita got a text while they were talking about anything that came to mind. Anita was much more talkative than her uncle, but she was reserved when she spoke. Jake thought that might be how the loss of her father affected her, but he didn't know her well enough to be certain.

“Mamá says that you're invited to supper,” Anita informed him, putting her phone down again.

“Should I be worried?”

“Mamá won't be cooking, so no you won't be forced to eat soggy tortillas,” she said with a shrewd grin. Jake was starting to feel out classed by a thirteen year old— he did not look forward to Beth's teenage years.

“Not about the food.”

“Probably. Abuela hasn't had anyone to interrogate since my Tía Maria brought her husband to meet the family...They're divorced now,” Anita told him.

Jake liked her calm sense of humor, though it was doing nothing for his nerves right now. Jake hadn't even showered before leaving the house to find Cougar. Hell, Jake wasn't actually sure where he stood with Cougar yet. He wanted to work things out, but they still needed to do the whole working things out part. As good as kissing Cougar was, that wasn't enough to fix everything. Jake still had his doubts, and Cougar had to have plenty after what Jake had pulled.

“Jake?”

“Huh?” Jake looked up at Anita.

“Abuela's already praying for your soul. She wouldn't be doing that if she wasn't certain she was gonna love you. Uncle Carlos is kinda her favorite. She loves my mom and my aunts, but Uncle Carlos took over when Abuelo died. So, unless you aren't good to him, she's going to love you, even if you show up in your pajamas,” she said, addressing the fact that Jake was in fact in his pajama pants and a t-shirt.

“Maybe I should change anyway,” Jake told her. Anita shrugged, but she didn't disagree. “Let's go see how your mom is doing,” Jake suggested, and she nodded.

They found them in the office. Cougar was sitting on the couch next to Carmen—her eyes red rimmed though she was no longer crying— as she quietly drank a cup of tea. Cougar looked exhausted but content as Jake smiled at him.

Anita walked over and wrapped her arms around her mom, careful not to spill her tea. They whispered to each other in Spanish while Jake stood there feeling like he was intruding again.

“I'm just gonna go...put on some real pants,” Jake said awkwardly, swaying back and forth from his heels to the balls of his feel.

“Wait,” Cougar called, before turning and whispering in Carmen's ear for a moment. Then he pushed off the couch and ushered Jake out of the office. “Thank you for taking Anita. Carmen has been using Anita and Carla as a shield since I arrived. It was good to be able to really talk to her,” Cougar told him, standing just outside of Jake's bubble as though he was afraid of getting too close.

“Hey, no problem, but we're gonna need to talk too, so don't try to pull that shit on me,” Jake told him, stepping right into Cougar's space and lacing their fingers together.

Cougar smiled, leaning in to peck Jake's lips. “I'm not hiding. I just need to get them settled. They need a house, and since I've been living here...”

“You're all at Pooch's place. I got the skinny. You've got a lot on your plate, and I'd like to help if you'll let me. I asked you to go when I shouldn't have, and I know that couldn't have been easy on you either, especially when you had all of this on your mind too. You were right, we don't need to fix each other, and no, I'll never be able to turn away if you have a bad night. So, it's gonna be hard for me not to want to help you now,” Jake told him, tugging Cougar until his arms were wrapped around Jake's waist. “Maybe I'll start breaking in here and leaving little notes for you. Take your vitamins. Drink enough water. Have you taken a moment for yourself today? Shoot something. I can be very helpful, you know, if Aisha doesn't shoot me for trespassing.”

“You being here is enough,” Cougar sighed, leaning into Jake.

“Anita said your mom is praying for our eternal souls because you said you'd happily burn for me,” Jake changed the subject.

“My mother is full of faith, though she thinks that she has her own personal party line with God, and her prayers fix all,” Cougar told him, sounding very amused.

“Anita says she also prays for Carmen because she makes soggy tortillas.”

“My mother is more upset about Carmen's inability to follow a recipe than by our relationship. She had hoped Carmen would go to culinary school, but thankfully she became a journalist. She is much better at reading a teleprompter than she is at cooking. You two should get along,” Cougar joked, and Jake grumbled, but it felt so good to be in Cougar's arms.

“We've got a lot of books to read.”

“I saw. I have a few suggestions of my own.”

“Good.” Jake smiled as he leaned in to Cougar, nuzzling his jaw before going in for a kiss.

“I will pick you up in an hour. Just let me get them home and settled, then we can worry about my mother and her prayers together, sí?” Cougar suggested, still holding Jake close.

“Okay, sounds good. I'll try not to freak out while I wait, but I'm totally going to freak out, so maybe approach with caution when you come get me,” Jake told him, already feeling the tickle of doubt and anxiety creeping into his chest.

“Take a bath. I will pick your clothes and anything else,” Cougar ordered, pressing a kiss to Jake's temple. “She is five foot two and has had arthritis for twenty years. She is far from terrifying, Jake. I promise.”

“That only makes her more terrifying. The woman is accustomed to pain.”

Cougar rolled his eyes. Jake pouted, but he pulled away. “Would it be better if you stayed?” Cougar asked, sounding tired again. Jake felt bad because while he'd been putting himself back together slowly, Cougar had been setting someone else's life to rights and moving his family across the country. Now Jake was being needy, and it wasn't fair to Cougar. “Stop thinking, my love,” Cougar told him, before Jake could start beating himself up.

“You know I can't do that.”

“Then stop worrying. You are not a burden. I wish I could come home with you, and we could talk and argue until we are on steady ground again, but she needs me. She needs to know that I'm here, and she hasn't abandoned the life she built just to be alone somewhere else. So, go home, sit in the tub, and think about me. Touching you, massaging your back and arms, kissing your neck...” Cougar did just that, pressing his lips just below Jake's ear. “Taking you apart slowly until you are exhausted and pliant in my arms, then bringing you over the edge with my mouth,” Cougar continued, his fingers stroking Jake's side as Jake shivered.

“I'm not going to make it to dinner if that's what you expect me to do,” Jake joked, squeezing Cougar close, unwilling to let go of him just yet. Jake could feel Cougar's smile against his neck.

“I want you. You've had so much patience with me. Please, just a little longer,” Cougar implored, nuzzling Jake's neck.

“Dude, it's been six years since someone's been this close to me. I'm more terrified I'm going to fuck this up again than I am that we can't have make up sex for the second time...shit, scratch that, I hate our sisters. Cock-blocking our mind-blowing make up sex. We could have done it on my kitchen island or in my tub, but _no_ —”

“I promise to make you mad for years to come,” Cougar told him, twining their legs, so he could sweep Jensen off his feet and take him down onto one of the mats. Cougar laid over Jake pressing kisses to his neck and jaw.

“That so? Does that mean you're out?” Jake asked, terrified by what Cougar's answer might be.

“I told Aisha to take the weapons, rifles and all. I only saved our revolvers...in case you wanted to shoot. You were right, I have things here that need me, and I have someone who knows what I need,” Cougar told him, lifting one hand off the mat to cup Jake's jaw.

Jake reached up and knocked Cougar's hat off, so he could bury his fingers in his hair. “You loved those rifles,” Jake said, knowing how big such an action was.

Cougar smiled down at him, turning his head so he could kiss the inside of Jake's wrist. “It was not a good love. I did not love the man I was when I used them. I did not love the things I did.” He leaned down and pressed his forehead to Jake's chest.

“You've changed since you left,” Jake said softly, not knowing how to express the difference he saw in Cougar.

“It is easy to forget responsibilities when you go out of your way to have none. My family has reminded me of these things. You have Erin and Beth and Sam to keep your grounded. Pooch, Clay, and Aisha did the opposite for me. My mother, she keeps me in line,” Cougar said, shaking his head. There was laughter in his eyes as he looked at Jake.

“I'm terrified. She's going to think I'm a bad influence on you. She's...”

“...going to love you,” Cougar finished Jake's sentence for him. “I'm sorry I walked out.”

“I'm sorry I pushed you out the door. My head was a mess with thoughts about what happened to me then Erin implying I wasn't date-able, and it's no excuse. I'm so sorry,” Jake apologized, running his fingers through Cougar's hair.

“Why is it every time I walk in here, you two are humping on the mat?” Clay asked as he walked through the door with Pooch and Aisha.

“Dude, The Pooch walked in on them doing it on the couch in the office,” Pooch complained stepping around Clay toward that very office.

“Is that jealousy I'm hearing boys?” Aisha asked, tossing her bag down onto the mats. Both Clay and Pooch grumbled out denials, but Jake snorted because they totally were.

“It's alright, Pooch-man. Maybe Cougar's niece'll watch the pup, so you and Jolene can have some sexy time,” Jake suggested.

Cougar shook his head, pushing himself off of Jake before helping him to his feet. Pooch laughed, but he sounded like he was desperate enough to do just that. Jake didn't ask what they were all doing there, and Cougar didn't volunteer anything, so Jake assumed it was a super secret former soldier meeting that he wasn't invited to.

“Okay, so I'll see you soon?” he said as he set himself to rights.

“Sí, and do not fret,” Cougar told him, leaning in for a gentle kiss that had Clay groaning. Jake gave him the finger, but Aisha seemed to have a handle on it as she punched Clay in the shoulder and gave him a dirty look.

“Will they be at dinner too?” Jake asked, jokingly.

“Sí, unfortunately,” Cougar said, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Yo, Cougar. Your niece wants to know if she can come out, or if she's going to be scarred for life by you two,” Pooch called from the doorway.

“Tell her to save herself, and hide,” Clay called over before Cougar could say anything.

“I sort of hate your friends,” Jake told Cougar who was laughing softly. Cougar just pulled Jake in for a hug.

“They are being well behaved,” Cougar admitted, pressing as kiss to Jake's cheek before slapping his ass and pushing him toward the door.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm going,” Jake complained as he walked past Aisha and Clay who were both too busy making eyes at each other to notice him. Jake wasn't sure what kind of eyes, whether murder eyes or bedroom eyes, but something told him that they had fantastic make up sex that no one interrupted. Jake grumbled all the way to his car.

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

Sam caught Jake on the way up to his apartment. She looked a little concerned as she approached him.

“Hey, you okay? Carlos came in this morning, and I gave him an earful and threatened to kick him out, but he still bought your regular. I wasn't sure if you were okay with seeing him, but I didn't want to call the cops if you were,” she said as she gave him a hug.

“He left it on my table with a note actually, but he apologized and told me why he disappeared, and it was for a good reason. I was just at the studio, and we're okay. I mean, we've got a lot of stuff to think about, but I think we're both still trying to figure this out with what we've been through, so we need to give ourselves and each other a little more understanding. But, don't worry, if he comes for my coffee it's okay,” Jake told her, messing up her hair playfully.

“Okay, I'm glad, but I'm still charging him for it until I deem him forgiven,” she said, pulling back and smacking his hands away from her hair. “Don't forget to tell your sister that you're good, and your niece. They've been texting me for updates on whether you came down for coffee or needed cuddles to lure you out of bed.”

“I'll be sure to call them before I do anything else,” Jake promised, leaning down to kiss her forehead. “Thanks for being a great friend...and for spiking my coffee when I'm heartbroken.”

“No problem. I don't know what I'd do without my favorite tenant.”

“I'm your only tenant.”

“You're right. That also makes you my least favorite tenant. Fear me!”

Jake laughed as he shoved her toward the shop, so he could get to his apartment. She laughed at her own joke all the way into her shop, but Jake loved it. He felt like he fit in here with Sam and his family and even Cougar's family and friends. He belonged.

He went up to his apartment and looked at the mess. It had been neater while Cougar was around. Jake had been more conscious of where he dropped things. Cougar always did dishes after using them. They needed room to sit while they read or Cougar slept, so the couch had been clear.

Now, his place was a mess, and Jake wondered again if he was really doing as well as he thought he'd been doing before he met Cougar. He grabbed his phone off the counter where he'd forgotten it, and he called Erin before she could leave another worried voicemail, or he could think too much.

“He apologized. He left because he was worried about his sister, and it turned out her husband died, and things weren't great, and I'm forgiving him for leaving, and he's forgiving me for being me, and you can't stop us from being together,” he said as soon as Erin answered the phone.

Jake was already stripping out of his clothes as he walked to the bathroom, still on the phone with Erin.

“I guess you're alive then,” Erin said on the other end. Her sarcasm far surpassed his own.

“Yes.”

“Okay, good. I can stop worrying now. You're worse than my daughter with making me worry. Now, I'm going to have to worry about Carlos too because I have no doubt you get him into all sorts of trouble...”

“I do not! He gets me into trouble.”

“Sure Jake.” She sounded unconvinced. Jake argued with her until the tub filled then he had his revenge.

“Gotta go, Erin. I've got a bathtub full of bubbles here, and Cougar put some terribly dirty images in my brain, so I've—”

Erin hung up on him.

\---

Jake was building sculptures out of the bubbles in the tub when Cougar walked into the bathroom, carrying a pair of light wash jeans and a subdued button down.

“Are those even my clothes?” Jake asked, transferring the pile of bubbles to his head like a crown.

“Sí, but the shirt still had tags,” Cougar told him, hanging the clothing on the back of the door before sitting on the closed toilet lid beside the tub.

“Probably one of Erin's sneaky attempts to get me to dress like an adult. I'm very good at ignoring those,” Jake said, gathering another pile of bubbles. Only his chest and knees rose out of the cloud of foam floating on the tub.

“How is your mind?” Cougar asked him, dipping his finger into the bubbles then putting a dob of them on Jake's nose, making his face scrunch.

“That is an act of war, I'll have you know,” Jake told him. Cougar just grabbed Jake's chin and angled it up, so he could kiss him. “Mind's okay. I'm going to embarrass myself and probably you by extension, but I'm probably not going to go in and challenge your mom to a wrestling match. So I figure if you can still love me after that, then they'll hopefully get over whatever stupidity I cause in the middle of dinner.”

“I would not have you any other way,” Cougar told him.

Jake smiled up at him, craning his neck to try to get another kiss. Cougar leaned in, but remained just out of reach.

“I'm not above dragging you in here with me,” Jake said, inching a little closer. Cougar gave him a challenging look. “What time is your family expecting us again?”

“We have some time,” Cougar promised.

“You did just teach a class. You could probably use a bath is all I'm sayin',” Jake told him.

Cougar rolled his eyes before taking his hat off in order to remove his shirt. Jake watched as Cougar's body was put on display.

“You haven't been eating,” Jake said without filter as he saw how lean Cougar had gotten. Ordinarily, Cougar was built solid where as Jake's body tapered. Now though, Jake could easily see Cougar's ribs.

Cougar ignored Jake's comment as he removed his pants as well. This time Jake reached out and wrapped his fingers around Cougar's wrist. His legs were thinner too, and since Cougar had always carried most of his bulk in his upper body, the depletion of muscle was very clear in his legs.

Cougar didn't meet his eyes as he climbed into the tub, sending bubbles into the air. Jake pulled Cougar to straddle his lap, but Cougar pinned Jake to the wall of the tub as soon as he was in position, showing Jake there was definitely still power in his body.

“I am not weak or frail. I just haven't had time to train. My body doesn't hold mass like it did before,” Cougar told him—leaving the 'before I nearly died' unspoken.

As soon as Cougar eased up, Jake wrapped his arms around Cougar and held him close. “Sorry, I didn't mean to imply any of that. I'm just worried that you've been taking care of everyone else and not letting anyone take care of you, because I know you're awesome at taking care of other people, especially me,” Jake told him, still feeling like they were on unsteady ground.

“It's sleep that's been hardest,” Cougar admitted, leaning in to press his lips to Jake's jawline.

“I know. My insomnia's been back with a vengeance. I'm sorry your nightmares are too,” Jake told him, pressing a kiss to the tattoo over Cougar's heart. Jake ran his fingers up and down Cougar's sides gently, loving that Cougar was back in his arms. He leaned up to capture Cougar's lips.

Cougar's kiss was subdued, like he had something on his mind that was keeping him from giving himself to Jake. When they pulled back, Jake tried to kiss Cougar's neck, but Cougar stopped him.

“It's not going to happen,” Cougar told him, sounding tired.

“I thought you said we had some time,” Jake said, still feeling like he was missing something.

“It is not that,” Cougar said, pausing to move so he wasn't in Jake's lap anymore. Jake moved his legs to accommodate him, but Cougar's sudden need for distance only worried him more. Still, he waited for Cougar to speak since he knew that sometimes words were difficult for him.

“I've told you that it was sometimes difficult to feel...arousal after what I've been through,” Cougar said, and Jake had never seen the man look so unsure of himself.

“Whoa, hey, come back here,” Jake said, splashing water around as he moved into Cougar's space, kneeling between his legs and resting his arms on the lip of the tub to get in his face. His crown of bubbles tipped and fell over his face as he loomed there.

“You have _no_ idea how happy I am that you're back, right here with me in this ridiculously bubbly bathtub. You're here, that's what matters to me. I know that I show a lot of affection and feelings through touch, but I don't want you to feel like that ever has to lead anywhere. Having you in my arms is seriously like a drug. I've never known calmness like when I'm with you. You don't need to prove you're strong to me. You don't need to feel like you've got to be able to perform for me. I know you're strong and not just physically. I love you whether you're wringing the best orgasm of my life out of me or teasing me for being gullible. And if it bothers you, we'll work on it just like everything else. If I can learn how to cook, I'm sure you can get your groove back,” Jake said, giving Cougar a lopsided smile.

“Fuck you,” Cougar said, but he was laughing softly.

“See, I even love your verbal abuse,” Jake teased.

“Come,” Cougar told him, pulling Jake in for a passionate kiss. This time Cougar was focused, teasing Jake with his tongue and nipping him playfully when he tried to retaliate.

“Why don't we get washed up and just cuddle until we need to go?” Jake suggested, lifting some bubbles to turn Cougar's goatee into a full beard. Jake grinned at the ridiculous look.

Cougar acquiesced, and he let Jake position him between his legs so Jake could wash his hair. Jake smiled at the way Cougar went boneless as he massaged the shampoo into his scalp.

“You like that, huh?” Jake said, kissing Cougar's shoulder.

“Sí. It is nice to be taken care of,” Cougar admitted.

“Damn right it is,” Jake laughed, helping Cougar lean back to rinse his hair.

They laid in the water with Jake's arms around Cougar for a few minutes. Jake was just happy to have Cougar back. Surprisingly, Cougar's doubts and his body's obvious wear eased Jake's mind. He hated to see Cougar like this, but knowing he wasn't the only one unsure and unsteady helped Jake center himself. He needed to be there for Cougar too. He wasn't the only one overcoming his own mind.

When they rose to get out of the tub, Cougar's legs almost buckled under him. “Hey there, what's got you all noodle-y? Usually I'm the one falling all over myself,” Jake said, easily supporting Cougar's weight.

“Tired,” Cougar told him as Jake helped him out of the tub. Jake wrapped a towel around Cougar's waist before grabbing his own. Cougar slowly walked into Jake's bedroom as Jake dried himself.

Jake found Cougar sprawled on the bed already half asleep by the time he got in there. He smiled at Cougar and held his tongue about getting the pillows wet with all that soaked hair. Instead, Jake dropped his towel and crawled onto the bed and over Cougar's body. He seated himself on Cougar's bare ass since Cougar was lying on his stomach.

Jake leaned forward and kneaded his fingers into Cougar's shoulders. He could feel the breath ease out of Cougar's body as he sighed.

“That feel good?” Jake asked, massaging the muscles with strong fingers.

“Yes,” Cougar whispered, patting Jake's knee with his hand.

“Excellent. Just relax and let me help you feel good for a little while,” Jake told him, working his way down Cougar's back. He watched Cougar's eyes drift shut, and he smiled when he began to hear light snores as he slowly worked the tension out of Cougar's lower back.

“Sleepy kitty,” Jake said under his breath, and he wasn't even surprised when Cougar noticeably smiled though he didn't open his eyes. The snores started up again almost immediately, and Jake couldn't stop himself from bending to place a kiss over the scar on Cougar's shoulder.

“Te amo,” Jake whispered, pulling back to continue to massage Cougar's back lightly, more to keep the connection between them than to work out any more aches.

Jake carefully got off of Cougar when the snores started to become louder. They didn't have a lot of time before they needed to go, but Jake wanted to give Cougar as much time to rest as he could.

So, he tiptoed back to the bathroom and dressed in the clothes that Cougar had picked for him. He carefully arranged his hair to stand up instead of being plastered to his head. When he was completely ready, he went back into his room.

“Cougs, I can't go to this on my own without having a meltdown,” Jake said softly as he found a pair of boxers for Cougar. He found the henley of Cougar's that he'd borrowed after Pooch walked in on them, and he laid it on the bed. “You're lucky you wore jeans over here because I'm not so sure my pants would stay up on your skinny ass,” Jake teased as Cougar rolled over to blink at him sleepily.

“How long was I asleep?” Cougar asked.

“About forty minutes. Tried to give you as much time as I could since you looked like you needed it. Never seen you unsteady on your feet before,” Jake said, leaning over the bed to give Cougar a quick kiss.

“Gracias,” Cougar told him, making no moves to get up.

“I'm not dressing you,” Jake told him, pointedly looking at Cougar's naked body sprawled over the bed.

Cougar smirked at him. “You prefer me naked anyway,” Cougar told him cheekily, running his hand down his body then cupping himself.

“Don't make me come over there,” Jake said, though it sounded anything but threatening.

“Or what?” Cougar challenged, grinning.

“Or you'll be sorry, Mr. Naps-make-me-saucy,” Jake said, shaking his finger.

Cougar didn't say anything. Instead, he raised his arms and stretched his whole body out as he yawned.

“Oh that's it. You aren't playing fair,” Jake said, diving onto the bed and on top of Cougar.

Cougar laughed as he rolled Jake onto his back and tried to get his fingers under Jake's shirt in order to tickle him. Jake slapped his hand away and pulled Cougar down against his chest. He wrapped one arm tight around Cougar to keep him from escaping, and he used his other hand to slap Cougar's ass sharply.

Cougar absolutely growled and squirmed in Jake's arms trying to get revenge for the indignity. Jake grinned and slapped him again.

“Told you you'd be sor—”

Cougar squirmed out of Jake's arm and tugged Jake's shirt open, sending buttons flying. Jake was left gasping when Cougar used one hand to tickle him and the other to pinch his nipple. Jake wrapped his arms around Cougar's too thin waist and tossed him down beside Jake on the bed.

Cougar didn't attack again. Instead, he rolled onto his back, arm pressed to Jake's. They laid side by side as they both caught their breath.

“Not that you tearing my shirt opened wasn't all manner of hot, but I think you're going to have to pick me another one to wear now,” Jake said, chuckling at the absurdity of what just happened.

Cougar laughed as well, getting off the bed and walking over to Jake's closet, still naked. “Oh man, I really slapped you on the ass, didn't I? Got you good,” Jake said, admiring the rosy color of Cougar's left cheek. Cougar didn't seem bothered by it at all. He even wiggled his ass as he reached into the closet and pulled out a second button up, this one a little brighter.

“Dude, how many of those are in there? Is it a little chilly in there? Do you see a fawn?” Jake asked, completely bewildered by the sudden appearance of respectable clothes.

Cougar rolled his eyes as he walked back to the bed and tossed the shirt onto Jake's bare tummy. “You are too old to find Narnia in your closet,” Cougar told him, grabbing his shirt and pulling it on. Jake frowned.

“Maybe the door just got confused. Beth does stay here a lot. We should check it out,” Jake reasoned.

“Put on your shirt. We are late,” Cougar told him, still sounding tired, but he also seemed happy.

“Well, I'm not the one that tore it off of me in the middle of a fight he started,” Jake said, sitting up and changing shirts quickly.

Cougar just shrugged as he pulled on a pair of Jake's boxers and wandered back to the bathroom for his pants and hat.

“Forget the pants. I like the view better without them,” Jake called.

Cougar stuck his arm out the bathroom door to give Jake the finger, and Jake chuckled happily.

They didn't leave the apartment for another ten minutes because any time they came within three feet of each other they poked and tickled and playfully slapped each other. Finally, Jake pulled back and looked at Cougar while grinning. “We're late, and you're mom's gonna be sayin' her rosary when she sees how flushed we are,” Jake said, laughing.

“It is your fault,” Cougar said childishly. Jake's eyebrows shot up because this was absolutely not his fault whatsoever.

Five minutes later, Jake was in a third shirt, and Cougar was down a hair tie, but they made it to Cougar's car. When they were settled, Cougar turned to Jake before starting the engine.

“Jake?” he said, trying to get Jake's attention.

“Sup, Cougs? Tell me you didn't lose your keys,” Jake said, still smiling from the kiss Cougar'd laid on him before they came down finally.

“Te amo tambien,” Cougar told him quietly.

Jake's smiled grew even wider until it hurt his cheeks. Cougar started the engine and pulled away from the curb without another word.

 


	26. Chapter 26

Jake didn't know what Cougar was talking about. His mother was terrifying. Jake would never trust Cougar's judgment again when it came to what was scary or not. Clearly, the man had no idea what terrified the general populous.

Mrs. Alvarez was standing at the door when they arrived, looking like she'd been stood up. She may have only been about five feet tall, but that didn't make her any less menacing. Her hair was pinned back into a bun at the base of her skull; and while her hair was graying, Jake could tell that it was originally the same deep brown as Cougar's.

Cougar smiled at the way she tapped her food as he slid out of the massive truck. He almost seemed amused by her visible irritation. Jake was not amused. Jake was ready to take cover.

“Do not smile at me, Carlito. You know that supper is served at two o'clock every Sunday. Not 2:05, not 2:15, and certainly not _2:37_.” She even checked her watch for the exact time which was definitely a mom move in Jake's book. Erin did that to him a lot since having Beth. “For nearly thirty-five years you have known this,” she told her son as he came around the Bronco to open Jake's door. Jake was too terrified of the tiny woman holding a large wooden spoon to open his own door.

“I know, mamá. I lost track of time,” Cougar said, as he yanked open the door and practically dragged Jake from the vehicle. If Jake had been smaller and in possession of claws, he would've climbed onto Cougar and refused to come down, but unfortunately he was an adult human instead of a cat.

“Oh, I know you lost track of time. Young people in love always do, but the whole family should not have to eat a cold meal because you are in love,” she scolded.

Cougar didn't seem put off at all by her sharp tongue, and Jake tried to stand up straight as he followed Cougar to the front door.

“Mamá, this is Jacob. Jake, this is my mother,” Cougar introduced, stepping to the side so Jake couldn't hide behind him. Traitor.

Mrs. Alvarez looked Jake up and down with narrowed eyes. “This is the boy you give our recipes to? Our family secrets?” she asked. She barely reached Jake's shoulder, but Jake wanted to hide from her. Memories of his own mother's annoyance floated through his mind.

Cougar smiled and nodded. Jake shook his head at Cougar, suddenly wishing he hadn't been taught anything by Cougar, especially not anything resembling an Alvarez family secret.

“Your empanadas were passable, but they made my son smile for the first time since I learned he was alive which I am grateful for. We can work on your technique,” she told Jake, motioning for him to bend down with her spoon.

Jake leaned in close, fearing she meant to hit him, but she pulled him into a fierce hug. “Welcome,” she said, kissing both of his cheeks before pulling back and waving them in. Cougar's sister was standing behind their mother looking amused. Her eyes showed how exhausted she was—it was honestly reflected in all of Cougar's family—but her smile was genuine when she greeted him.

“When I brought my husband home for the first time, she threatened to castrate him like she did the farm animals growing up. You got off easy,” Carmen said, swirling her glass of wine red wine.

Jake reached down and adjusted himself just at the thought of that. Cougar snorted at that. Carmen looked very pleased with herself.

“She used to castrate the animals?” Jake asked, imagining Cougar's tiny mother with a giant butcher's knife, chasing a poor little calf around.

“Whatever you are thinking, you are wrong,” Cougar told him, laughing softly. “She didn't castrate any of my sisters' boyfriends. I doubt she will start with you,” Cougar said, kissing Jake's temple. Then he followed his mother into the kitchen, ignoring Carmen's teasing grin. Jake watched him walked away then looked back at Carmen, torn between where to go.

“Jacob, get in here. How are you going to know how to cook for my son if you are talking to Carmen. Carmen's tortillas are always soggy. Do you want to make soggy tortillas for my only son?” Mrs. Alvarez called from the kitchen.

“Does it bother you that everyone makes fun of your cooking?” Jake asked sympathetically, but Carmen just laughed.

“When I was young it was frustrating, but it was a blessing. My mother took it as a sign that my calling was not to be a homemaker. She supported me when I wanted to get an education and pursue journalism. She stitched the suit I wore to my first interview herself even though her arthritis was already bad by then. She and my brother have that in common,” she said, looking down into her glass.

“What's that?”

“They will help those they love even when their own pain is crippling,” she told him, giving him a significant look before shooing him toward the kitchen. Jake went without a fight though her words followed him.

Jake heard music playing as he approached, but he stopped in his tracks in the archway leading to the kitchen itself. Cougar was leading his mother in a salsa, laughing at how she tutted about needing to keep an eye on the food. Jake watched wide eyed as Cougar moved to the music like he'd done this a thousand times. Mrs. Alvarez laughed as he spun her and danced around her, though her talent was impressive as well.

It looked like something they'd done a thousand times, and they looked so happy to be able to do it together even just once more.

Jolene was sitting at the kitchen table with her son in her lap smiling as she too watched the pair. Even Aisha looked happy as she stood between Clay and Pooch at the counter, covertly keeping an eye on the food in case the pair were distracted.

“Carlito, you must dance with your young man,” Mrs. Alvarez said as the song switched over to a more sensual dance. She shooed him as she returned to the pots that were heating up their dinner.

“Oh, I don't dance. Trust me, it wouldn't be pretty,” Jake said, shaking his head and holding his hands out to keep anyone back. He wasn't expecting Carmen to attack from behind, giving him a gentle push in Cougar's direction. It was a betrayal, but Cougar caught him easily before he could trip completely.

“Oops, I needed to refill my glass,” Carmen said, unapologetic, as Jake stumbled into Cougar's waiting arms.

“Coug, you could lose a toe this way,” Jake warned as Cougar pulled Jake to his body. “I don't want to be responsible for hurting you.”

“You've never succeeded before. Why should I worry now?” Cougar asked, grinding his hips against Jake's butt, trying to get Jake to follow the motion. Jake was suddenly keenly aware of every move Cougar made.

“Those are the sorts of words someone says right before they get hurt,” Jake told him, but he moved his hips with Cougar anyway. It was either move with him or feel Cougar move against his ass with all of these people watching them. Cougar didn't try any fancy tricks. He just swayed with Jensen as the others heckled them. It was actually quite nice. Cougar's arms were secure around his waist, and Cougar's lips were pressed to his shoulder.

Jake could get used to this—wrapped in Cougar's arms and surrounded by friends and family. It was still terrifying, but Jake didn't think it was a bad thing. It was just something he hadn't really had before. He'd thought he'd had it when he joined the Army, but that hadn't been true. This though, this was real.

Cougar loved him whether he was messed up or not. Cougar was going to have his back, and with Cougar came these people. It was obvious that each of them had their own wounds and flaws, but they stuck together, and they seemed to welcome Jensen to be part of that.

Jake leaned back into Cougar and let himself be led in whatever dance Cougar chose. This was it. This was where he belonged.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, just the epilogue left. I can't believe this is just about over. I also can't believe it's over 100k words long. Thanks for sticking with this story.


	27. Epilogue

Six Months Later

“Cougar, they're gonna be here any minute!” Jake cried as he tried to clean their already spotless apartment some more.

Cougar had moved in with him once his sister and mother settled in a small house not far from Erin and Beth. It was strange having so much family and friends close by, when until recently it had just been Jake, Beth, and Erin, and Sam downstairs.

Now, there was Cougar's family, and Pooch's family, and even Clay and Aisha were warming to him. They'd decided to stay. After seeing what Cougar's family had gone through, they were running a shelter of sorts for families that needed help when they lost a loved one overseas. Jake was actually stunned by how much they really cared. He'd always assumed that they were in it for the thrill, but it seemed that Cougar had been right that they just needed a worthy cause to fight for. This one was definitely more legal than their previous cause. Well, it was if you overlooked the fact that Jake had had to create them completely new identities, Pooch too.

Pooch and Jolene were actually planning their second wedding, so she could officially be his wife again instead of his widow. Even Aisha had joined in on the wedding planning, but that was mostly to veto things she found ridiculous. Jake was still a little miffed that she'd vetoed his idea to do the ceremony while skydiving. Her reasoning that Pooch was the only one of them capable of flying a plane to jump out of seemed like a cop out, but Jolene hadn't seemed too keen on it either.

“Jake stop dusting the books,” Cougar told him, standing in the kitchen surrounded by the feast they'd prepared together. Jake was actually getting pretty good at the whole cooking thing. Mrs. Alvarez even said his risotto were edible last week.

He really couldn't be held responsible for the previous risotto attempt because it had been the perfect opportunity for Jake and Cougar to finally have makeup sex on the kitchen island. Jake wasn't sure what they'd been making up for, probably their lack of make up sex. Well, it hadn't been _perfect_ because the rice turned into a gluey brick, and they didn't have enough time to start over. Maybe he could be blamed, but Cougar was like a swarthy sex god, so Jake was blaming Mrs. Alvarez for contributing to Cougar's DNA.

“Your mother has the eyes of a hawk...or a sniper. I see where you got it from,” Jake said, narrowing his own eyes.

“I used a scope,” Cougar said, sounding completely amused. He always sounded amused when Jake was being silly. Jake loved that his personality never annoyed Cougar. Jake didn't mind being laughed at, so long as Cougar had that fond look in his eye when he did it.

“Your mom wouldn't need one. She'd just laser beam eyes at her target, and it would disintegrate,” Jake told him, dusting the shelf once more just to be contrary.

Cougar gave him the unimpressed eyebrow.

“Sorry. You're mother is lovely, and that was rude,” Jake told him, putting the orange feather duster down.

Cougar actually laughed at that, waving Jake into the kitchen.

“You are nervous,” Cougar said, pulling Jake into his arms.

“We've never had everyone over together. I'm not even sure how we plan to fit them all. Our apartment is big, but not fourteen people big,” Jake said, nuzzling Cougar's neck.

“There is plenty of room,” Cougar assured him.

“It's just kind of big, you know? Our families are all coming over. It's kind of like we're one big family now. That's big, isn't it?” Jake realized he was being repetitive, but big was the only word coming to mind at the moment. This was monumental really. He'd never done this with anyone else. Even growing, his parent's families were kept apart at all cost.

“Sí, but it is good big.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jake agreed, his nerves easing at how nice that sounded.

Jake was just leaning in to press a kiss to Cougar's lips when there was a knock on the door. Jake groaned. “Every damn time,” he pouted, but Cougar dipped in and stole a kiss before walking down the hall to the door.

Hearing his sister's voice, Jake smiled, following Cougar and catching his niece as she barreled toward him. “Hey princess, how's it going?” he asked her, lifting her high into the air just because he could. She laughed happily, spreading her arms like she was flying. Close to eleven years old, and she was still his princess. He'd take it.

He put her down and leaned over to kiss Erin on the cheek. Erin smiled at him when she pulled away. “You smell like Carlos,” she whispered, making Jake blush. He may have been all over Cougar while they were setting up, but he was blaming it on his nerves.

“Maybe I got our colognes mixed up,” Jake lied.

“Maybe you're just worse than a horny teenager,” she teased him, flicking his ear playfully.

“Cougar, she's abusing me,” Jake complained, but Cougar flicked his other ear before attempting to close the door. However, before he could, Pooch, Jolene, and their son Marcus came up the stairs carrying desserts.

They went through another round of kisses and back pats before moving into the living room. Pooch made drinks while the girls talked about Jolene's wedding plans and how they were going. Beth played with Marcus, who was starting to get big at two years.

Jake and Cougar carried drinks in for the girls and made sure dinner was ready for when the rest arrived.

It didn't take long before Sam showed up, having closed early to join them, Cougar's family not far behind. Only Cougar's sister had been to the apartment before—coming over to escape Mrs. Alvarez more than once.

Mrs. Alvarez pulled Jake down to kiss both his cheeks. “This is a nice sweater. I brings out your eyes,” she said, patting his sides. Jake smiled. He didn't know if Cougar had put her up to it, but he appreciated her comment. He'd dragged Cougar to the store to buy a respectable sweater for this because he didn't own any. He really wanted this to go well.

“Thanks, Mrs. Alvarez,” Jake said, blushing. She shook her head fondly and squeezed his arm before moving on to hug her son tightly.

Jake was still getting used to Cougar's family and their casual touches. He didn't flinch when Mrs. Alvarez touched him, but he doubted he'd be able to keep his cool if Cougar's love for his family wasn't visible in everything he did for them. It had been staggering when Jake realized that he trusted Cougar so much that just being beside him eased his mind. He trusted Cougar to read a situation, and he trusted him to have his back. It wasn't a conscious decision. He would've trusted people a long time ago if he could just decide to. It was Cougar. He'd risen to every challenge, and he just understood Jake.

Jake grabbed Cougar's hand as Mrs. Alvarez walked toward the living room, giving the place a steady look. Jake felt like this was the big inspection. Did their home live up to her standards? Was Jake giving her favored child the life he deserved?

Carmen elbowed Jake in the ribs as she stepped through the door behind her mother and daughters. “You know she can smell fear, don't you?” she teased, pressing a kiss to his cheek before roughly rubbing away the lipstick stain. She loved doing that to him. Cougar never got that treatment, but Jake supposed he was her honorary little brother.

“She already knows I'm terrified of her,” Jake whispered back.

Carmen snorted, patting his cheek. “I brought you boys a house warming gift. Don't argue. I'm perfectly aware you've been living together in sin for months. Just saw this and thought of you,” she said, handing over a rather heavy box she'd had propped on her hip.

Jake was all greeted out when Aisha slipped through the door. She walked right past him, so clearly she wasn't in the greeting mood either. Clay gave him an apologetic smile before patting him on the back and walking by as well.

Before Jake could go and join their guests, Cougar pulled him in for a soft kiss. “This is our home. They are guests. When they leave, we will still be here...together,” Cougar told him.

Jake smiled. Cougar got it. Cougar always got it. This didn't change anything, even if Mrs. Alvarez found it lacking. It was their home, and therefore it was the best.

“Jacob, stop kissing my brother and come open your gift. Mamá wants to see what hideous thing I bought you, so she can berate me about more than just my cooking,” Carmen called to them.

Cougar rolled his eyes, but he leaned in to whisper in Jake's ear. “Carmen is a liar. She is a perfectly good cook, but she makes everything wrong because she did not want to be the women she was expected to be. Her tamales are better than my grandmother's,” Cougar revealed. Jake's mouth fell open. So much of Carmen's dynamic with her mother made sense now.

“A family of sharks, the lot of you,” Jake told him, pulling back.

“You have not met my other sisters. The eldest is the worst of us all,” Cougar told him, and Jake didn't doubt him. The Alvarez family were a unique bunch. “Come.”

Cougar led Jake to the living room where Jake set the box down on the coffee table. It had a big yellow ribbon on it, and the wrapping paper was a hideous mishmash of vibrant colors. Everyone watched them expectantly as Jake carefully untied the ribbon before stepping around Cougar and tying his hair back with it.

Cougar just rolled his eyes and tore open the ugly paper while Jake was busy making him pretty. Jake watched him pull out a pocket knife and flip it open to cut the tape holding the box shut. That sort of action would've set Jake off in the past, but Jake was making progress day by day. It wasn't always as fast as he liked, but he was learning to take the small victories as they came.

“What's in it?” Jake asked as Cougar opened the flaps.

“Styrofoam,” Cougar deadpanned.

Jake punched him in the shoulder then pressed his body to Cougar's back, watching over his shoulder. Cougar lifted the packing foam out and removed it from a beautiful stone wild cat.

“Neat, but what is it?” Jake asked.

Cougar nudged his chin with his shoulder to let him know he was being rude even if it was unintentional.

“There's two, and they're bookends. I thought they'd go nicely on your shelf,” Carmen told him, pointing to the shelf that was designated his and Cougar's even if the books on all of the shelves belonged to them too. Jake had told her all about their shelf one night when she came over with a bottle of wine and a headache from her mother.

“Oh, that's awesome,” Jake said, grabbing the heavy cat statue and carrying it over to the shelf. “Look Cougs, you can keep an eye on our stash at all times,” Jake said, carefully placing the cat on the shelf.

Cougar carried its counterpart over as well and gently slid it onto the other side of the shelf, giving Jake a tender look. That expression always made Jake feel like a puddle of warm goo.

“Ugh, don't give each other that look. There are children present,” Pooch told them, coming out of the kitchen with drinks for Clay and Aisha.

“Don't be a party-pooper, _Linwood_ ,” Jolene told him, and Jake grinned at the horrified look Pooch shot his wife for using his given name.

“Do you like them?” Carmen asked. Her smiles were genuine these days even if she was still hurting.

“They're awesome. Thank you,” Jake said, smiling at her. His smile only got wider as Cougar slipped his hand into Jake's.

“Do you like our home, Mamá?” Cougar asked, wrapping his arm around Jake.

“It is pleasant,” she said, and Jake felt like he'd just won the lottery.

“She likes our place,” Jake whispered in Cougar's ear, and he knew Cougar was rolling his eyes. Cougar spoke his mother's language. He knew things she liked without needing to be told. He understood her understated praise for what it was. She loved her son—her whole family really—and she was proud of him, and there was really no chance she wouldn't support him and therefore Jake. Jake just wasn't as good at believing that without proof.

“We should eat. It is already after two,” Mrs. Alvarez announced, and Jake had pulled back enough to catch both Cougar and Carmen's shared look. “What disrespectful children I have created,” Mrs. Alvarez said, shooing everyone toward the table they'd set up in the dining area—Jake had been using it as a computer room until Cougar moved in.

Everyone found a place, leaving Clay at one end of the table and Mrs. Alvarez at the other. Cougar and Jake brought the food over from the kitchen while everyone passed it around. Jake was surprised they were so organized about it.

The whole affair was a bit of a relief. It was going so well; everyone got along and had people to talk to, and no one was left out. Jake even bowed his head and thanked whatever benevolent spirit that might be listening when Mrs. Alvarez said Grace.

Everything was going swimmingly until Mrs. Alvarez turned to him and Cougar with a stern expression. Jake searched for Cougar's hand beneath the table.

“So, when do you give me grandchildren?” Mrs. Alvarez asked.

Jake choked on his soup. He glanced at Cougar who looked amused, as he always did when his mother was being his mother.

“Um, Mrs. Alvarez, we can't exactly have kids, us both being dudes and all,” Jake said when he realized that Cougar was totally leaving this to him.

“What do you mean you can't have children?” she sounded completely offended.

“I don't have the equipment, and I'm sure you're aware that Carlos—”

“This is America in the twenty-first century. Of course you can have children. If that actress woman can adopt children from all over the world, why can my son and his novio not have a child of their own? Is there suddenly a shortage?” Mrs. Alvarez asked, and this time it was Cougar who choked, though Jake was certain it was from holding in his laughter. Mrs. Alvarez must have had the same thought because she narrowed her eyes at her son.

“Why don't _you_ answer that, sweetie?” Jake asked, kicking Cougar under the table. Cougar kicked him right back, but he turned to his mother with a doting smile.

“Mamá, the world still believes that I am dead. Dead men cannot adopt children,” Cougar told her. Jake didn't know how he could find such a reasonable answer to such a question, especially under Mrs. Alvarez's scrutiny. Jake was still hung up on the thought of one of them actually getting pregnant.

“You think I do not know your boyfriend can do illegal things with his computer? Do you really think I am so naive? I raised five rambunctious children, Carlito. I know what happens in my family. He can make it happen. You are just being difficult,” she told them both. “I will not live forever.”

Jake's mouth opened and shut as he tried to think of something to say. He'd never thought about adopting. He'd never let himself think about kids after the painful realization that he'd probably never have any. He felt Cougar squeeze his hand underneath the table.

“Mamá, it is not so simple as that, and you know it. It would require much discussion and planning—”

“Discussion and planning? You think that is how your father and I had five children? There was no plan. We could not keep our hands off each other,” she told them.

Jake didn't miss the way his and Cougar's nieces wrinkled their noses at that. Even Carmen looked like she'd lost her appetite.

“I've always wanted kids,” Jake blurted out, and Cougar stopped in his tracks. Jake could sense Mrs. Alvarez's smug smile more that he could see it, because he was looking right at Cougar.

Jake knew he should've waited until they were alone, but the words had just slipped out as they had a tendency to do. Cougar was looking at him with an unreadable expression, even without his hat—his mother refused to let him wear it at the dinner table.

“Does that mean I'd have cousins to babysit?” Beth asked from Jake's other side, no doubt looking as excited as Jake felt.

Jake bit his lip as he continued to look at Cougar, praying that he wasn't putting Cougar on the spot when he wasn't ready or didn't want children. Though he doubted Mrs. Alvarez would have brought it up if Cougar didn't want them. Sometimes Jake thought Cougar and his mother had some telepathic link, always knowing what the other was thinking.

“We will see what you can do, yes? I do not want to get hopes up...”

“I can do it. For us, I can definitely do it,” Jake promised, pulling Cougar in for a searing kiss.

“Finally, some sense. I will start knitting the booties and hats,” Mrs. Alvarez announced, ignoring the way Jake was practically mauling her son at the dinner table.

“You can knit cowboy hats?” Jake asked, pulling back from Cougar for just a moment, because this was pertinent information.

He could hear Cougar's sigh which was accompanied by an entire table of groans. Even their nieces seemed completely done with him. What did Jake do to deserve such squares in his life?

“Maybe they will prefer pirate hats,” Cougar whispered in Jake's ear, and Jake grinned.

“You're right, Cougs, my love-kitten. We can't possibly force this sort of thing on our children. They'll have to choose for themselves the type of headgear they will go through life wearing like a badass, because let there be no doubt in your mind. Our children will be badasses,” Jake said proudly, and Cougar looked like he couldn't agree more.

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, this is really the end. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed this story. Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos along the way. Your support has been greatly appreciated even if I'm sometimes slow to respond. I love to hear what you think.
> 
> I have loads of ideas for time stamps and maybe one day a sequel to this story, so keep an eye out.


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